My Family: Blind Justice (2005)

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My Family

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UK, BBC (DLT Entertainment UK/Rude Boy Productions), Sitcom, colour, 2000
Starring: Robert Lindsay, Zoe Wanamaker, Kris Marshall

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Ben is the harassed centre of the Harper family. His wife Susan is intelligent, sharp, witty and something of a control freak, and their still-loving marriage is a vehicle that may squeak but nonetheless keeps moving along. *for more

Scene 1 In the kitchen, Ben enters

All right, dad. Look.
Nick, that’s, uh, that’s so, um… ah, you shouldn’t have. That’s that’s really—
It’s well wrapped, isn’t it?
Yes. Yes, it’s well wrapped. Yes. You didn’t have to buy me a good luck present.
I didn’t.
It’s the salt, Nick, it’s the salt.
What’s this, English for the stupid?
Nick’s wrapped the salt seller.
I’m trying to be a wrapping artist. Like the great Christo, you know. He wraps up huge monuments for art to elicit emotional response.
Like irritation?
Good, good, go with that, go with that.
How about wrapping up the rubbish? Then you can put it in the dust bin.
But that will mean a switch from the artistic to the merely functional.
Oh, and you would never want to be functional.
Exactly, you’re on my wavelength there.
That explains the static.
Ah, got to go.
You’re wearing that, are you, Ben?
Apparently I am.
No, it’s just that if this were my first day of jury duty, I would have dressed up for the occasion.
You’d be wearing a long gown, a curly wig, and a black cap.
No, I’d love to be on jury duty. Put something back into society. Show how much I care. Might get a nice, juicy murder.
Oh, very caring.
No, it’ll be so exciting. Exhibit A, exhibit B, silence in court. Let’s reexamine the evidence before us, my lad. Exhibit C.
Susan, you do realize I’ll be forbidden from discussing the case with you, okay? Or for that matter… anything else, ever again. Of course, we can still have sex.
Don’t kid yourself.

Scene 2 Susan enters the bedroom carrying a pile of clothes.


Oh, why does he have to be so… (Susan flips the blanket over and finds her son naked with a girl) In bed?
Mum, um, I, uh—we, um. Did I mention I had the afternoon off?
No, no, no, that’s perfectly fine. I’m cool with this. (steps back)
I’m okay, you’re okay, I mean…
You’re 16, going on 17. I’m cool, I’m cool. (Susan exits, looking dumbstruck, her daughter catches her)
If cows sleep standing up and sit down when it rains, what do they do if it rains while they’re sleeping?
Susan’s still in shock.
I know, it is a real brainteaser.
Did you Michael had the afternoon off?
Are you okay?
Yes, I’m absolutely fine?
(Susan bumps into the wall)

Scene 3 Susan and Abi in the livingroom


Shouldn’t I run you to the doctor’s?
No, Abi, Abi, it’s nothing really, technically, it’s known as blindness. (sips coffee)
Oh, what kind of blindness?
Blindness.
Coughing blindness?
Psychologists call it hysterical blindness, but they’re wrong. I see it more as stress-related myopia.
What was the stress?
I went to Michael’s room and… it was a total mess.
Wow, at least you didn’t see the girl he had up there. (Abi laughs)
I don’t want to talk about it. Anyway, it’s just temporary, a little stress thing. It’s happened to me once before.
Really?
Yes, during my first driving test.
Did you pass?
Yes, and I took it 10 more times because I liked passing. Of course, I failed, I was temporarily blind.
Okay. How many fingers am I holding up?
Abi, I can’t see.
I’ll give you a clue, it’s between 1 and 3.
Oh, for god’s sake.
Don’t feel so bad, it was 2. maybe, I should ring Ben and let him know.
No, no, Abi, no, Abi, you musn’t. if he finds out my response to see Michael in bed with a girl was to get hysterical blindness then he’ll think I responded… hysterically.
Oh, didn’t you, then?
Of course not.
This isn’t me, it’s just my body letting me down. I don’t want him thinking I’m an uptight reactionary. Ust because my eyes are open are prudish.
Your eyes aren’t prudish. They’re more periwinkle blue.
Look, look, just let me sit here quietly until my sight comes back. Oh, crap.

Scene 4 Courtroom, Ben enters


Yeah, this is my kind of trial—over in time to get to the pub.
British justice, wonderful thing.
Um, I shall be just outside the door if you want anything.
Cappuccino, easy on the froth. (Ben bumps into a woman)Oh, sorry, go ahead.
Don’t patronize me.
Okay, I won’t. (Ben sits on the empty chair)
I want to sit there.
Mm—I want you to sit here so much. But even more, I don’t want to patronize you. Can we got on, please?
Yes, can we get on?
I doubt it, you’re not my type. (Ben chuckles)
(Woman eyes him)
Okay (Ben gets up)
(Woman sits on the chair)
Right, let’s get this show on the road and out of here.
The correct procedure—edsin Taylor vandalized his ex-boss’ office by placing a decomposing haddock in the heating duct.
Guilty as hell. Show of hands.
The correct procedure is to elect a foreman from amongst us which we will proceed to do after we have all proceeded to introduce ourselves.
Why bother? We’re never going to meet again.
So, let’s go around the table, starting with me. My name’s Joanna Elton Johns.
Elton Johns? (Ben chuckles and claps)
It’s my name.
Yes, I think so. It’s your name.
And what’s yours?
My name’s Ben, Ben Judy Garlands. (chuckles)