MAMA'S FAMILY "The Return of Leonard Oates"

The Return of Leonard Oates (1983) Naomi’s second husband pursues her.

Scene 1 At the supermarket where Naomi works. Mama is putting her groceries on the stand

NAOMI: Hey, kids.

BUDD: How’s it goin?

SONIA: Hi.

NAOMI: Wait a minute now, I’ve told you this check stand is 10 items or less.

THELMA: Oh, well, I know that, I know, I know, I’ve got bread, milk, fruit, meat and vegetables, that’s 5 items.

NAOMI: I know, but you got six kinds of vegetables and each one counts as an item.

THELMA: Well, I’ve also got a loaf of bread, you gonna count every slice?

NAOMI: The point is, this is the express lane. (hands her back the bread)

THELMA: Well, quit expressin’ yourself and start checkin’.

NAOMI: Vint.

VINTON: Yo!

NAOMI: Honey, come on over here, pack up these groceries for me. The sooner you get them packed up, the sooner you can get the bag home.

(Gives her a look)

SONIA: Grandma, can we get this? (brings a magazine) It has Rod Stewart on the cover.

THELMA: Well, this rag isn’t fit to wrap fish in. Wait a minute. Lookie here at Liz Taylor it says she may tie the knot again. Nice to see somebody’s been married more times than Naomi.

NAOMI: For the record, Vinton Harper is only my 3rd husband. The first one didn’t count ‘cause Tommy Ray and I were kids and didn’t know what we was doin’… at least Tommy Ray didn’t. Now, I admit that I made a big mistake with my second husband, Leonard Oates. Oh, that silver-tongued devil – he got me into so much trouble –

THELMA: Naomi, I just came in her for groceries, not to hear the untold story of your pitiful life.

NAOMI: Are you gonna buy that thing?

THELMA: I don’t read this trash.

NAOMI: Well, then, put it down. The total here is $36.44.

THELMA: 40 bucks for 10 items or less? That is highway robbery. Vinton, pay here before the prices go up.

VINTON: Oh, gee, I’m sorry, mama. I had a lot of big expenses this month.

THELMA: Too bad none of them was rent. Just give me a pen. I’ll write you out a check.

NAOMI: Ms. Harper, this is the express lane. I am forbidden to take a check. It’s cash only.

THELMA: I have been tradin’ with this market since you were knee high to that cash register. Are you gonna tell me my check’s no good?

NAOMI: Oh, just forget it! I will pay for it myself. (takes her bag and gets cash)

THELMA: Well, if that’s the way you want to handle it, that’s real nice of you, sweetheart. Kids, you want to help your daddy with these groceries?

VINTON: So long, Skeeter. (they kiss)

NAOMI: Bye, darling.

THELMA: Supper’s gonna be early, so you can give me my permanent.

NAOMI: Oh, all right, all right! It’s gonna be the highlight of my week.

(A man carrying a bouquet of roses in a red suit walks up and slips a yellow box on her stand)

NAOMI: Oh! This is the deluxe sampler, $12.95 Oh, mister! You must have one hot date.

MR. OATES: Well, no, actually, I was just hopin’ this might help me make up with my wife. (lowers flowers from face)

NAOMI: Leonard Oates.

MR. OATES: Boy when you let that hair grow, that hair can do a bit of growin’.

NAOMI: In three years, Leonard. Where’d you get that outfit, you rob a bank or somethin’?

MR. OATES: No, I didn’t rob a bank, but I could own me a couple of banks if I wanted to, Naomi. I’m only worth $2.5 million.

NAOMI: Where’d you get that kind of cash?

Worms.

NAOMI: Worms?

MR. OATES: Worms—earthworms, mealworms, night crawlers, started me a mail-order bait business. Next thing you know, Naomi, I’m sendin’ worms all over the United States. You know what they call me down in Tallahassee now?

NAOMI: What?

MR. OATES: “The Worm King.”

NAOMI: Well, I guess it takes on to breed one, Leonard. What brings you back to Raytown, gonna start a franchise here?

MR. OATES: Naomi, I have come back. And I want to give you the life that I promised you a long time ago. I want to take you back to Florida with me.

NAOMI: Well, I’m afraid you’re a little late, Leonard. I’ve married again.

MR. OATES: Oh, married, well…

NAOMI: That’s right.

MR. OATES: Don’t look like he’s doin’ too well by you, does it?

NAOMI: Why, because I’m workin’, you mean? Oh, I don’t have to do this. My husband is a very wealthy man. I just do this as a kind of public service to fill my idle time.

MR. OATES: Oh, you know, when you and I were together, we didn’t have a lot of idle time, did we? (kisses her on the neck)

NAOMI: Goodbye, Leonard. I hope you have a nice trip back to Florida.

MR. OATES: Naomi, I’m not goin’ back to Florida… not till I get what I came after. I mean, let’s face it. You can’t say no to me, you never could. (kisses her cheek)

Scene 2 kitchen, Naomi and Thelma enter

THELMA: Naomi, do somethin’. This solution’s likely to have eaten through to my scalp.

NAOMI: All right, I’m gonna rinse it off, just as soon as my angel boy turns the water back on.

VINTON: Ow!

THELMA: I should’ve known better than to trust my head to a beauty-school dropout.

NAOMI: For your information, I was head of my class in permanent wave.

FRAN: Thelma, why don’t we just go to Miss Boyland and rinse out your hair?

THELMA: Are you nuts? That woman thinks I got naturally curly hair.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

(Sonia walks in singing)

NAOMI: Oh, I’ll get it.

THELMA: (Fran and rest of the family go to bar) Now be careful Naomi, it could be a wild man with a gun to kill us all.

NAOMI: All right. (opens door and sees it’s Leonard, slams it)

THELMA: Well, who was it?

NAOMI: Behind this door is my second husband, Leonard Oates, who came through my check stand today, and he has become rich. Rather than let him rub my nose in that fact, I told him we were too, so get on out here and act prosperous! (opens door)

NAOMI: Leonard, what an unexpected surprise.

LEONARD: I’m sorry to barge in on you like this, Naomi, but I’m leavin’ town tomorrow, and I just wanted to stop by and say a—a proper goodbye.

(Whole family’s out watching)

NAOMI: How did you know where we lived?

LEONARD: Well, you know, a town this size, money talks, Naomi. (puts gift on table)

NAOMI: I’m sorry I cant ask you to stay, Leonard, but we was just on our way to the opera.

(looks at family, who is still watching)

LEONARD: I see.

NAOMI: May I present my lovin’ husband, Vinton Harper? Honey, put the wrench down! These are my stepchildren, Buzz and Sonia. This is our Aunt Fran and this is Vinton’s mama, Mrs. Harper.

LEONARD: Uh… I’m Leonard. (holds out hand)

VINTON: (shakes it) Vint.

LEONARD: Quite a family you’ve acquired here, Naomi.

THELMA: Well, enough of this chitchat, just what is it you’re sellin’?

LEONARD: Uh, I beg your pardon?

THELMA: I have watched the Days of our Lives long enough to know that ex-husbands don’t show up at the door unless they’re after somethin’. Now, I don’t know what lies Naomi’s been feedin’ you, but if it’s money you’re after, you hit a dry well.

LEONARD: Well, Ms. Harper, I’m here for one reason, ma’am. And that’s to see if Naomi is really happy.

THELMA: If you were so all-fired worried about her happiness, why’d you skip out on her? You got any idea what it’s like to live with a broken heart?

VINTON: Naomi’s with me now. She doesn’t have a broken heart.

THELMA: No, but I do!

NAOMI: Leonard, as you can see, I’m very happy. So, if you’ll excuse us, we’d like to ge—(pulls him to door)

LEONARD: Uh, Naomi, If you don’t mind, I bought a gift that I would like to leave with the family. Young fellow, would you come down here and help me with this?

VINTON: Sure. Oh, go ahead Buzz, go on.

BUZZ: Hey everybody, it’s a video game with a whole slew of cartridges! They even got Asteroid’s Revenge!

VINTON: Asteroid’s Revenge? That’s my favorite!

BUZZ: Oh, wow! Check it out, dad.

NAOMI: Thank you, Leonard, but we can’t accept this, can we, Vinton? I say, we can’t keep this.

VINTON: Ohh.

SONIA: Ohhh.

VINTON: Oh, no, i guess it wouldn’t be right.

LEONARD: Vint, ol’ boy, if you will allow me a few moments alone with your lovely wife, I bet I can make her change her mind.

SONIA: Last one in the kitchen is a rotten egg!

VINTON: Come on every body! Nobody wants to be a rotten egg.

LEONARD: That’s right. (winks and adjusts his collar)

FRAN: Oh, uh, well, come on. (pulls) Thelma, let’s just go in there and finish up those dishes. Thelma!

THELMA: Where did you get that jacket, was sittin’ bull havin’ a garage sale? (walks off to)

LEONARD: Naomi… why are you fightin’ me? You know you and I were meant for each other, honey. (blows into her ear) And you know I’m gonna give you the kind of happiness you’re never gonna find with that bozo.

NAOMI: Take your hands off me, Leonard, or I’m gonna scream.

LEONARD: (turns her around and kisses her) Scream. (let’s go)

NAOMI: Don’t do this to me, Leonard.

LEONARD: My plane leaves at 1pm tomorrow. (brushes her hair) Why don’t you meet me at the Jigger, say 12 noon? (goes to door)

NAOMI: I won’t be there.

LEONARD: 12 noon. (exits)

THELMA: Naomi, my head is on fire, are you gonna come in here and take this perm down or I just let it eat through to my brain?

NAOMI: (Naomi, arms crossed, pouts)


Scene 3 kitchen, Fran enters

FRAN: Well, good morning, Naomi. Hmm, my, you look pensive. (takes a cup)

NAOMI: No, just thinkin’. Oh, Frannie, I’m a nervous wreck this mornin’.

FRAN: You know, it’s probably all that coffee you drink all that caffeine is just a nervous shock to your system. That’s why I myself never touch it.

NAOMI: No, this is more than just a caffeine buzz. Fran, I have a terrible problem, and I need to talk to somebody about it.

FRAN: Oh.

NAOMI: Frannie, can you keep a secret?

FRAN: No! I never could. I tell everything I know. Telephone, telegraph, tell Fran. So if there’s something you don’t want repeated, you better do us both a big favor, Naomi, and don’t tell me. Just keep it to yourself.

NAOMI: Okay.

FRAN: Oh, heck. I guess I could make an exception just this once. (sits down with glass and soda can)

NAOMI: Oh, Fran, have you ever met a man who swept you off your feet and made you go so weak in the knees that you could no longer tell right from wrong?

FRAN: I need some coffee. (gets up)

NAOMI: I’m talking about the kind of man who no matter how hard you try, you cannot say no to?

FRAN: Naomi, could you possibly be referring to your Mr. Oates? (sits back down with coffee)

NAOMI: Leonard Oates came all the way from Tallahassee, Florida, to take me back with him, Fran. He’s waitin’ for me at the Jigger right this minute.

FRAN: But, Naomi, what could Leonard possibly offer you other than indulgences of the flesh?

NAOMI: $2.5 million.

FRAN: I see your dilemma.

NAOMI: It’s not that I don’t love Vinton, it’s just that whenever Leonard’s around me, Vinton kind of slips my mind.

FRAN: Well, Naomi, as I see it, it all boils down to this—no matter what decision you make, you have got to live with yourself.

THELMA: Naomi, I would like to have a word with you!

NAOMI: I’m afraid, I may have left the solution on a little long.

THELMA: A little long?! You’ve turned me into a human Q-tip!

NAOMI: Well, that’s all right, Ms. Harper. Just run on up and get the pink rollers. That’s take the kinks right out.

THELMA: You better get a move on. I’m supposed to be at that luncheon in an hour and a half!

NAOMI: Okay, get your rollers.

FRAN: Thelma! It doesn’t look that different. I don’t think anybody will even notice.

VINTON: Good mornin’ everybody!

THELMA: Notice anything different?

VINTON: If your’re talkin’ about your hair, no.

THELMA: Well, its’ a shame the Marx Brothers ain’t around anymore. Shoot, I could be mom-o. (leaves)

VINTON: Well, if you ladies will excuse me, I’m on my way to Asteroids Revenge.

NAOMI: No, you’re not, Vinton.

VINTON: Why?

NAOMI: It has to go back.

VINTON: How come?!

NAOMI: Because it’s not right for us to keep it.

VINTON: It’s just a toy! It’s not gonna hurt anybody!

NAOMI: Vinton, don’t you know there’s no such thing as a free lunch? Honey, are you so blind that you cannot see what that man is tryin’ to do?

FRAN: I need some more coffee.

VINTON: Sure, sure, I know what he’s up to. He’s tryin’ to make up for the bad way he treated you when you were married. He realizes what a good thing he lost… and what a good thing I got.

NAOMI: But, honey, Leonard’s comin’ back here has put a very big question in my mind, and I don’t know what the answer is.

VINTON: Well, I do. It’s simple.

NAOMI: It is?

VINTON: Sure! I say… there is no harm in keepin’ the game. There! Question answered. (gives her a peck) Anybody for Asteroids Revenge? (exits)

NAOMI: Frannie?

FRAN: What? Oh.

NAOMI: I’m goin’ to the Jigger. (rushes out)

FRAN: I don’t want to know that!

THELMA: All right, Naomi, let’s shake a leg, Naomi! Well, where in the world did that girl go?

FRAN: What girl?

THELMA: Frannie, are you keepin’ somethin’ from me?

FRAN: Why, no, I-I…

THELMA: You are! You know you can’t keep a secret. Telephone, telegraph, tell Fran.

FRAN: That’s not true.

THELMA: Frances Crowley, you look me in the eye.

FRAN: Don’t be ridiculous.

THELMA: In the eye, Frannie!

FRAN: She’s at the Bigger Jigger. Oh (snaps fingers)

THELMA: The Bigger Jigger, she went off on a toot and left me lookin’ like a frizzpot? Lord! Vinton, you’re takin’ me over to the Jigger to get my hair set!

FRAN: (gasps) Oh! (gets keys, and rushes out)






Scene 4 At the Bigger Jigger, country music plays. Leonard is at a table, waiting.

NAOMI: Leonard.

LEONARD: Ah, see, I knew you’d come. Bartender! Bartender, beer for my wife right over here, please.

FRAN: Ohh, Naomi, I cannot be blamed for my actions. I begged you not to tell me, oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive.

NAOMI: Spit it out, Fran.

FRAN: It’s hit the fan, Naomi, Thelma and Vint are on their way over here.

THELMA: Thelma and Vint are here, what are you doin’ here?

FRAN: Where? Oh, here? Oh, I thought it would—might be a good place to—uh, excuse me—to meet—I mean—I thought maybe it might be a good place—oh, excuse me—to make new acquaintances. (walks to the bar) Hello there. How are you?

VINTON: Well, what have we got here, a little goin’ away party? I’ll get the beer and nuts.

THELMA: I would like to know why you left me holdin’ a sack of pink rollers to come here and play footsie with your ex-husband.

NAOMI: I’m gonna give you the straight goods. Now, just sit down here and stop makin’ such a scene! Now, Ms. Harper, I know what you have always thought of me. I know that you have thought I was no better than trash ever since I married your son.

THELMA: That’s not true, I thought that long before you married him.

NAOMI: Well, be that as it may, what I’m tryin’ to tell you now is that I…

THELMA: Naomi, you could be rollin’ my hair while you’re spillin’ your guts.

NAOMI: Oh, all right. What I was tryin’—

THELMA: Are you gonna set my hair with beer?

NAOMI: I am gonna set this hair on fire if you don’t quit interrupting me. Now, as I was sayin’ I know that you all are probably very upset because you think that I have come down here today to run off with Leonard Oates.

(Vint returns with beer) Oh, now, Skeeter, nobody thinks that.

LEONARD: I do.

NAOMI: That’s because I could never refuse you nothin’, Leonard, anytime, any place, anywhere, any shape, any form—

THELMA: Well, good lord, do I have to sit here and listen to this smut?

NAOMI: That is, until today. I’m not goin’ anywhere with you, Leonard.

LEONARD: Uh, Naomi, listen—listen to me. I am offering you a life of luxury, honey. “The Worm Queen of Tallahassee”—How are you gonna turn that down?

VINTON: I’d kind of like to hear the answer to that myself.

NAOMI: It was because of you, honey.

VINTON: Me?

NAOMI: Yeah, most guys would have been real upset if their wives’ ex-husbands had come back rich and started offerin’ her the moon. Most guys would have thought that they was up to no good.

VINTON: Yeah.

NAOMI: But you trusted me… (walks to him) And that’s somethin’ that nobody else has ever done before. (sits on his lap) And then I realized that it would never even occur to you to leave me. And if that’s not love, Vinton, I don’t know what is. (kisses him)

FRAN: Isn’t that beautiful? (drinking cocktail) I was at their wedding.

THELMA: Naomi, would you get your fingers out of his hair and back into mine?

LEONARD: Naomi… may I wish you a lot of luck, honey? ‘Cause if you crazy enough to hang out with these yo-yo’s, you’re gonna need it.

THELMA: Now, you hold on just a minute. (grabs him by the collar) You… worm wrangler. Naomi may have a checkered past, she may have had more that her share of boyfriends, lord, we know she was as bimbo… but she happens to be somethin’ that she’s never been before and that is a Harper. And there ain’t nobody gonna insult a Harper, not as long as I’m alive.

LEONARD: (clears throat) Thank you, Ms. Harper. Looks like the best man won.

VINTON: Thank you.

LEONARD: No, not you—her. Naomi, I want to tell you somethin’. Honey, he’s goofy… she’s crazy, I’m gone. (winks and leaves)

NAOMI: Thank you, Ms.—mama. (hugs her)

THELMA: Oh, well, good lord.

VINTON: Well, come on, Skeeter, let’s go home. Looks like we’re all still one big happy family. Come on, come on, come on.

FRAN: It was delightful to have made your acquaintance, Bruno.




Scene 5 (living room)

VINTON: Wow! You sure blasted the daylights out of that meteor.

NAOMI: That was easy, honey. I just made believe he was Leonard Oates.

THELMA: Our little, green spaceships were there first.

FRAN: Oh, face it Thelma. You and I just weren’t cut out for intergalactic combat.

THELMA: Well, I think the force is with me, Frannie. Hang on to your asteroids!

-END-