MAMA'S FAMILY Mama Gets a Job (1983)

Mama Gets a Job (1983) Mama goes to work for a travel agency.



Scene 1 Harper’s living room, Naomi’s painting her nails and Vint is reading something.

THELMA: Do you have to do that here?

NAOMI: Well, I’m just paintin’ my toenails.

THELMA: Some things should be done in the privacy of your own bedroom.

NAOMI: Some things are done in the privacy of our bedroom.

THELMA: Oh, I know, I know, I know (knitting) all the time.

VINTON: It’s part of the marriage contract.

THELMA: Well, I got a contract with the Exterminator, too, but he don’t come over here and spray for ants every blessed night of the week.

NAOMI: Ms. Harper, what has gotten into you tonight?

THELMA: Nothin’. I’m just a old lady who haven’t done nothing with my life.

NAOMI: Nonsense, you’ve got half your life ahead of you yet.

THELMA: Half my life –ha! How many people you know live to be 130?

NAOMI: Well, age doesn’t matter. It’s what’s inside that counts.

THELMA: Naomi, my insides are as old as my outsides.

VINTON: Well, mama, you been old for years. Why is it just botherin’ you know?

THELMA: Oh, put a cork in it, Vinton. I ran into crazy old Aunt Effie today, well, she starts bendin’ my ear about how she’s just gone out and gotten herself a job.

VINTON: Aunt Effie? Why she’s three days older than God.

NAOMI: Yeah, what kind of job could she possibly get?

THELMA: A good one accordin’ to her she’s workin’ as a filin’ clerk down at the courthouse, can you beat that? And you know what the old bat had the nerve to say to me after she finished braggin’ about her highfalutin job?

NAOMI: What?

THELMA: Get this—Thelma, how’s the family? ANow, what do you figure she meant by that?

Mam, don’t be silly.

THELMA: It isn’t silly! You’ve all got jobs to keep you interested. You’re doin’ somethin’ useful with your life. But what purpose do I serve? There’s gotta be somethin’ more than sittin’ here watchin’ the Days of our Lives. (gets up, goes to kitchen) and foldin’ your Fruit of the Looms.

NAOMI: I’ll take care of this, honey. (Naomi follows her)

(sits on the kitchen table)

NAOMI: Ms. Harper?

THELMA: What?

NAOMI: I know just how you feel but we gotta find somethin’ that’s gonna keep you interested. So how ‘bout a nice hobby?

THELMA: Oh, it’s come to that, has it? Sit mama a corner somewhere and let her make fancy doo daahs out of beer-can tops – no thank you.

NAOMI: Well, then, maybe you oughta go out and find yourself a job.

THELMA: A job? Well, lordy, what could I do?

NAOMI: There’s a placement agency down at the mall, they could find a job for you.

THELMA: For somebody my age?

NAOMI: Sure, they’re always looking for women who aren’t gonna run off and get married or turn around and get pregnant.

THELMA: Well, I certainly fit that description.

NAOMI: So, why don’t you get your rear in gear and go down, apply for a job?

THELMA: Oh, Naomi. You really think I could get my rear in gear and get me a job?

NAOMI: I sure do, Aunt Effie did.

THELMA: Well, that’s right, she did. If Effie can do it, so can I. Hell, she’s been runnin’ on empty for years.


Scene 2 Employment Agency, filling out application

THELMA: If 6 men can dig a ditch 3 yards wide, 4 feet deep, and 25 feet long (read aloud) in 8 hours, 8 men can dig the same ditch in 5 hours, how long would it take 2 men to… (peeks at the answers of the guy next to her, he moves away) I don’t know why these suckers don’t just drop their shovels and go have themselves a beer. (tears application) Well, what are you starin’ at? Ain’t you ever seen an old woman freak out on a test before?

EMPLOYMENT AGENT: Mrs. Harper, I’m ready to interview you now.

THELMA: Well, I ruined my test, I didn’t finish it.

EMPLOYMENT AGENT: Well, that’s all right, we’ll worry about that later, come along right this way.


Scene 3 Office

EMPLOYMENT AGENT: Now, if you’ll just sit right here.

(clears throat)

THELMA: I’m sorry I broke your pencil (shows it)

EMPLOYMENT AGENT: Well, that’s quite all right.

THELMA: I get real nervous when I take tests.

EMPLOYMENT AGENT: Well, that’s understandable, so do I.

THELMA: I’m sweatin’ bullets right now.

EMPLOYMENT AGENT: I just have a few questions I must ask you.

THELMA: Well, all right, as long as I don’t have to dig that ditch again.

EMPLOYMENT AGENT: Now, first, I must have your age, Miss Harper.

THELMA: 53.

EMPLOYMENT AGENT: (laughs) Uh, are you married?

THELMA: No, I’m widowed.

EMPLOYMENT AGENT: I’m sorry.

THELMA: So is he.

EMPLOYMENT AGENT: Did you graduate from college?

THELMA: No.

EMPLOYMENT AGENT: High school?

THELMA: No.

EMPLOYMENT AGENT: But you did complete grade school?

THELMA: Well, boy, this is sure pick on Thelma Harper day.

EMPLOYMENT AGENT: Not really, it’s just that I am trying to find something that is suited to you. Have you any experience?

THELMA: (wipes hand on table) Well, no, I haven’t worked in 40 years.

EMPLOYMENT AGENT: Well, Mrs. Harper, it’s going to be difficult finding a position for you.

THELMA: Well, why is that?

EMPLOYMENT AGENT: You have very little education, you’ve never done anything and have no special skills.

THELMA: Well, that never stopped them people down at the post office.

EMPLOYMENT AGENT: Ah, here’s something, Raytown Travel Agency. Do you know how to answer the phone?

THELMA: No, usually when it rings at my house, I run around in a little circle and yell, What’ll I do? What’ll I do? (throws hand up)

EMPLOYMENT AGENT: (fixes hair) I mean in a business office.

THELMA: I imagine they all work pretty much the same—you talk into the end that has the big holes, and the voice comes out the end with the small holes.

EMPLOYMENT AGENT: Well, I think this will be ideal for you. The Raytown Travel Agency is looking for a mature woman to answer phones and to direct people who come into the office.

THELMA: Well, I guess I can handle that.

EMPLOYMENT AGENT: Well, if you want the job, it’s yours. You start tomorrow.

THELMA: Tomorrow’s Saturday, don’t I even get a day off?

EMPLOYMENT AGENT: Usually, it’s their busiest day. Now, this is all the information you’ll need. (they get up to the door) I’ll call them and tell them to expect you.



Scene 4 Kitchen, Thelma’s dong the dishes when Vint enters

VINTON: Mama, can I talk to you?

THELMA: Well, yeah, just grab this dish towel and talk to me while you help with the dishes.

VINTON: I can’t think and dry dishes at the same time.

THELMA: Well, how do you know Vinton, you’ve never really tried either.

VINTON: Mama, tomorrow you are goin’ out there into the workin’ world. It’s a jungle out there. You’re gonna meet some mean people. (sits down with soda)

THELMA: Vinton, I’m goin’ to work for the Raytown Travel Agency, not the Roller Derby.

NAOMI: Well, for heaven’s sake, Ms. Harper. You shouldn’t be doin’ the dishes on the night before your very first day on the job. You get up first thing in the mornin’ and do ‘em then.

VINTON: She won’t have time to do ‘em—she’s got to iron my shirt.

THELMA: I ain’t ironin’ your shirt and I ain’t doin’ anymore dishes if I’m gonna be a workin’ girl, then we’re all gonna have to pitch in here, and there’s no better time to start than right now. (throws a towel at Vint)

VINTON: What? I can’t wash dishes? These are the hands of a locksmith.

THELMA: Well, this is the mouth of a mother, and this mother is sayin’ get up here. (slips apron on him) Apron goes just like that. Come on over here to the sink, say hello to Mr. Sponge, say hello to Mr. Hot Water, and say goodbye to me. Here you go. (throws towel to Naomi)


Scene 5

HERBERT: Right this way, Mrs. Harper.

THELMA: Oh, my, look at this, isn’t this nice?

HERBERT: Mrs. Harper, you are going to be very important to this office because you’re going to be the first person that the new customer sees.

THELMA: All right.

HERBERT: And we want you to greet them with a great big, cheery smile. Now, let’s see that smile.

THELMA: (smiles)

HERBERT: Thatagirl. You know how happy people are when they travel, Mrs. Harper? We want that happiness to begin right here in this office with that beautiful smile.

THELMA: Well, you sweet thing. (pats his arm)

HERBERT: Now, here’s your desk, sit there. There’s your phone. You put the customers here and then you offer them a cup of coffee.

THELMA: All right, fine, how much do I charge ‘em?

HERBERT: Oh, no, it’s free, compliments of Raytown Travel Agency.

THELMA: Well, it’s your money.

HERBERT: Now, in the top drawer, you’ll find some forms.

THELMA: Oh, yes.

HERBERT: That’s it, that’s it. Now, you simply fill that in, direct the customer to one of our agents. Any questions?

THELMA: When’s payday?

HERBERT: Every other Friday. Now, you’ll also be answering our phones and this is the way to do that. It’s a great day here at Raytown travel Agency! May I help you?! Would you try that? (gives her receiver)

THELMA: You want me to try that right now? I-It’s a great day here at Raytown travel Agency! May I help you?!

HERBERT: No, no. It’s a great day!

THELMA: It’s a great day here at Raytown travel Agency. May I help you?

HERBERT: No, no, no, May I help you?!

THELMA: May I help you?!

HERBERT: Thatagirl! If you have any problems, pop into my office any time.

THELMA: Thank you very much.

HERBERT: Let me see that smile.

THELMA: Oh, Mr. Vogelman. (shoos him off)

HERBERT: Ha ha ha, you can call me Herbert.

THELMA: Oh, Herbert. (he leaves, she practices) It’s a great… it’s a great… day here at Raytown travel Agency. May I help-- you? (takes out a pic of family, sets it down) Buzz and Sonia there. (takes out a plant) It’s a great day here… at Raytown travel Agency. May I help you? (takes out a cup) It’s a great day here at Raytown travel Agency. (raises arms with voice) May I help you? (clasps hands together, waiting) It’s a great day here -- at Raytown travel Agency. (looks around desk) May I help you? It’s a great day here. It’s a great day. (switches cup with plant) It’s a great day here at Raytown travel –

[ring]

THELMA: Uh, oh.

[ring]

It’s a great day here at Ray—[ring] It’s a great day here at Raytown travel Agency. [ring] It’s a great day here at Raytown travel Agency! May I help you? [ring] Well, what the – hello!

HERBERT: No, no, no! You have to press down the button that’s flashing.

Oh, well, it’s a great day here at the Raytown travel Agency. May I help you?

[dial tone]

Hello? Hello. Well, I guess… (puts receiver down) If it’s important, they’ll call back. I feel like such a fool, Herbert.

HERBERT: Well, it’s an honest mistake, Mrs. Harper.

THELMA: Thelma.

Now, look, it’s simple. Press down the button that’s flashing, take the message, and press the hold—that’s the red button—and press the com—the intercom—and then take the names off the list on the side of the phone. Got that?

THELMA: Not really. (he leaves) All right now, press the one that’s flashing, then, I press the hold button, that’s the red one, and then I—

(customers enter)

Well, now, I forgot to take the message here. You press the one that’s flashing then you take your message. Then you press your hold button, and then you—(sees customers) Well, just don’t stand there, come in. ( gets up) come on in, come on in, you’re standin’ there like a couple of dodos. Come on, come on. Come over here and sit down. There you go. Go on, go on, sit down there. Go on, go on, put it right down there. There you go, now you want some coffee?

MR. BRENNAN: That would be very nice.

THELMA: I’m gonna get it for you right here. Cream and sugar?

MR. BRENNAN: Yea, please, three lumps for each of us.

THELMA: Well, now, I’m only gonna put two lumps, you keep puttin’ three lumps, you’re gonna wind up with diabetes or boils on your neck.

BRENNAN’s: (look at each other)

THELMA: Alright, here we are now. (brings cups) this here is free. It’s compliments of The Raytown Travel Agency.

[rings]

Oh, well, now, I have to get that. The one that’s flashing.


It’s a great day here at Raytown travel Agency! May I help you? Oh, hello Buzz. It’s my grandson, Buzz. What is it, Buzz? No, grandma doesn’t know where your sneakers are. Well, I would imagine they’re probably right were you took ‘em off, baby. All right, bye bye sweetheart. He can’t find his sneakers for basketball practice.

MR. BRENNAN: We would like to arrange a trip to Tahiti.

THELMA: Tahiti? Well, you wouldn’t know it to look at the two of you that you had a nickel to your name. Okay, now, let’s see. (fills out paper)

[ringing]

THELMA: It’s a great day here at Raytown travel Agency! May I –well, hello Vinton. It’s my son, Vinton, well what do you want Vinton? Well, no, I didn’t iron your shirt. Well, if you don’t got one to wear to work, you just don’t. Well, maybe that wife of yours could learn how to use the iron. Tell her that the flat side goes down. Bye. Honestly. Children—they’re nothin’ but heartaches.

MRS. BRENNAN: Our children are sending us to Tahiti.

MR. BRENNAN: Uh-huh.

THELMA: I couldn’t even get mine to drive me to work. All right now, let’s see here. What is your name?

MR. BRENNAN: Mr. and Mrs. Br—

[rings]

THELMA: Well, good lord. It’s a great day here at – Naomi, I’m at work. No, I don’t know where Buzz’s sneakers are. Well, I’m real glad you got a bridal shower to go to. That’s real nice. If you can’t iron Vinton a shirt, you can’t, that’s all. Just tell him to wear the same shirt he wore yesterday. He doesn’t work hard enough to sweat anyway, bye. All right, now, what’s your name?

MR. BRENNAN: Mr. and Mrs. Brennan.

THELMA: Breannan, that’s probably got two “n’s” there in the middle.

MR. BRENNAN: Uh-huh.

THELMA: All right, and what’s that address?

MR. BRENNAN: Uh, 1608 Bedford—

[rings]

THELMA: Well, hell! Who is it? Naomi, quit screamin’ at me and tell me why you can’t go to your party. You can’t put your makeup on? Well, why not? Where is it? Just hold your horses, Breannan, I got a family crisis here. Well, why in the world would Sonia lock herself in the bathroom? Will you listen to this? Naomi’s blamin’ sonia for losin’ Buzz’s sneakers. Now, nobody can get into the bathroom. Just have Vinton get her out. Hell, he’s a locksmith, isn’t he?

MR. BRENNAN: Miss, could we get on with this?

THELMA: Well, you’re sure in an all-fired hurry to see them naked women, ain’t you?

MRS. BRENNAN: We don’t have to sit here and take this. (gets up)

THELMA: No, but I see you’re sure gulpin’ down that free coffee in a hurry.

HERBERT: (enters) Is there a problem here?

BRENNANS: Yes, we came here to arrange a trip, and we get nothing but insults form this lady.

THELMA: Well, will you just keep your drawers on? I’ll get you to Tahiti if I have to tie an inner tube to two trees and shoot you there myself.

HERBERT: Mrs. Harper! I am very disturbed at this!

THELMA: Well, that makes two of us, Herbert.

HERBERT: May I remind you that your job is to make the customers feel welcome?

THELMA: Well, that doesn’t mean I gotta let them treat me like a doormat.

HERBERT: Yes, it does! That’s the name of the game.

MR. BRENNAN: Look, we don’t want to step on anybody. All we want is a trip to Tahiti.

THELMA: Oh, will you give it a rest? We all know about the free trip you mooched off your kids.

MRS. BRENNAN: We’ll just take our business elsewhere, thank you. (give Boss their cups)

MR. BRENNAN: I take three lumps, anyway.

HERBERT: I’m afraid your employment here is terminated. Why don’t you go back home to your loved ones?

THELMA: It if wasn’t for my damned loved ones, I’d still have a job. (puts her stuff into her purse)

[rings]

I don’t care if you can’t find your sneakers, I don’t care if you don’t got a shirt, I don’t care if you can’t get to your makeup! This is not my problem! It’s for you, Herbert.

HERBERT: It’s a great day here at Raytown travel Agency! May I help you?

THELMA: The hell it is.


Scene 6

VINTON: All I’m sayin’ is, the next time you yell at the kids, plan ahead and iron me a shirt before the fight starts.

NAOMI: Oh, iron your own shirt. I am not your slave, I am your wife.

VINTON: Ironin’ is woman’s work, Na—

NAOMI: Well, Mrs. Harper, what are you doin’ home so early?

VINTON: Well, mama, I didn’t expect you back so…

BUZZ: Hey, I found my sneakers! They were right where—

THELMA: Right where you left ‘em. Get to your basketball practice.

BUZZ: Yes, grandma.

THELMA: Naomi, get your stepdaughter out of the john.

NAOMI: Yes, Ms. Harper.

THELMA: Vinton, give me five minutes, I will have your shirt ironed.

VINTON: Yes, mama.

NAOMI: (knocking) Sonia, you come out of there right this minute.

SONIA: In your dreams.

THELMA: This is your grandma speaking! You get out of there before I count to 3 or I’m comin’ in after you. 1—

SONIA: (comes out and runs) Bye, everybody, I’m going to Becky’s house.

THELMA: Naomi, you may put on a new face now if you like, and don’t anybody speak to me for the rest of the day. (goes to ironing board)

VINTON: Mama? What happened?

THELMA: (ironing) I got fired.

VINTON: Aw, mama, I’m sorry. I told you it was a jungle out there.

THELMA: Vinton, have you ever seen any of them Walt Disney true-life adventures? You know, like, where a mama has a bunch of baby birds in her nest, you know?

VINTON: Oh, yeah, I love those.

THELMA: And the mama bird protects the babies and takes care of ‘em and feeds ‘em and does all that for ‘em until the time that she feels that maybe they’re able to be out on their own.

VINTON: Yeah.

THELMA: So then she just kind of gives ‘em a little nudge out of the nest and if they can fly, they fly away and they don’t ever come back. But if they can’t… splat!

VINTON: What are you trying to tell me?

THELMA: Vinton, don’t ever climb a tree with me.

VINTON: Well, it’s not my fault you got fired.

THELMA: It is your fault. And it’s Naomi’s and it’s Buzz’s and it’s Sonia’s—it’s all your faults.

VINTON: Well, you can still get another job.

THELMA: I’ll get another job when you birds learn how to fly!