JAKE IN PROGRESS: Season One PILOT

=== CAST: ===

John Stamos as Jake Phillips

Ian Gomez as Adrian

Rick Hoffman as Patrick

Wendie Malick as Naomi

Transcript

OPEN ON: [EXT. NY CITY STEET- DAY]

Camera pans up a NY Skyscraper, NY neighborhood, people, park, street sign, taxi, bus/city, pans down from a builing to Stamos in a suit with a cell phone to his ear, talking:

JAKE: Shane, listen. You gotta stop beating yourself up over this.

SHANE: This is terrible! It’s gonna wreck my career!

JAKE: Please, you’re a superstar. Now, here’s the plan. I’m gonna book you on 20/20. You’re gonna cry a little bit and then tell everyone your side of the story.

(Cut to Shane on the tub, feet up on the side.)

SHANE: Who? Who? And what’s my side of the story again?

JAKE: It was dark out. You were woozy from cough medicine.
Come on. There’s no way you could have known she was a hooker… or cop… or a man.

SHANE: Ohh! The whole world’s gonna think I’m gay.

JAKE: Oh no, they’re gonna think you’re complex. (drops down and pets a dog) You know it’s all part of the whole Shane bad-boy mystique (Jake passes a woman and they connect eye to eye)

SHANE: Good, ‘cause I’m not gay. Right?

JAKE: Absolutely, yeah. You’re not gay. Listen um, stay in tonight okay? Get some rest, because you start shooting tomorrow morning.

SHANE: Yeah, I was thinking I could do one more boxing workout before Bruckheimer sees me tomorrow.

JAKE: Okay, there’s a gym at the hotel.

SHANE: I want to do it at Madison Square Garden.

JAKE: Madison Square Garden?

SHANE: Yeah, it feels right for the character.

JAKE: All right. Let me make some calls and see what I can do.

SHANE: Hey, you sure this whole sex-with-a-guy thing isn’t a big deal?

JAKE: Shane, I’m telling you., it isn’t even news.

Jake looks down and sees latest newspaper headline SHANE NABBED AT POLICEMAN’S BALL. He closes the phone with a worried look on his face.

Cut to: The same Headliner.

KYLIE: Naomi, I’m really not sure about tonight.

NAOMI: Hey, don’t you even think about canceling on him.

KYLIE: You know how I feel about blind dates.

NAOMI: Well, blind dates are better than no dates which is what you’ve had for months.

KYLIE: Oh, you’re one to talk.

NAOMI: Oh, yeah, because nothing turns guys on more than a middle-aged pregnant woman on the loose.

KYLIE: But I barely know anything about this guy.

NAOMI: Well, he’s got a job, so you know, that might scare you off. And he doesn’t wear sandals, so you’d have to get used to that.

(split screen)

KYLIE: Excuse me for liking guys who are passionate and artistic and maybe, just maybe, have something called a soul, as opposed to some slick-suited with his ear permanently attached to his cell phone.

(3 screen split Kylie, Jake and Naomi and we see Jake exits elevator, gets greeted by co-worker with Shane’s newspaper headline; grabs balloon from flower arrangement, checks his reflection on it, hands it to secretary/receptionist who gives him a note)

NAOMI: Would you just trust me, please? Jake is different. He’s honest and he’s handsome without knowing it.

KYLIE: Uh-huh.

NAOMI: Really, he’s very charming. Oh, what can I say, Kylie? He’s just…Jake.

Jake’s walking with male assistant following right behind him with pad and pen, taking his orders down.
JAKE: Kenny, Shane Cox wants a box at Madison Square Garden. Make it happen.

KEN: How am I supposed to do that?

JAKE: Hey, we rented out the Statue of Liberty so 50 cent could have an Easter Egg Hunt. Pull some strings. Use my connections. Any calls?

KEN: Uh, yeah, Bethany.

JAKE: Again? How many times is that?

KEN: That’d be three.

JAKE: Rule of four, Ken. One more unreturned call, and she’ll get the hint. And grab my blue suit pronto. (Jake enters his office) Adrian.

ADRIAN: (sitting on his chair, watching TV, remote in hand) Hey sexy. Check out this David Blaine wannabe. He locked himself in that box for a month. Some kind of performance arts thing. People are nuts.

JAKE: Fascinating. Out of my chair. What are you doing here?

ADRIAN: Well, buddy, I got some really big news and I thought you should be the first to know. Caitlin’s out of town! (he dances)

JAKE: Stop it. Stop that.

ADRIAN: We’re going out tonight, Jakey. You and me, just like we used to. No curfew. No guilt from the wifey. No faking an asthma attack to avoid talking about our relationship

JAKE: Listen, I would love to go out with you tonight but I can’t.

ADRIAN: Wait, well, what are you talking about? Jake, this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity (follows Jake around the desk) because I’m pretty sure Caitlin’s Aunt is not going to die again. Why can’t you?

NAOMI: Oh, there he is. My knight in Shining Armani. Mmm. MMM! God, you smell good, (she hugs Jake) which already puts you leagues ahead of her last boyfriend.

JAKE: Yeah, Naomi, you remember, my collage roommate, Adrian.

NAOMI: Mmmm, yeah.

ADRIAN: Wow, you sure are big. Any day now?

NAOMI: I’m only six months pregnant.

ADRIAN: Oh. Your husband must be proud.

NAOMI: Dad is donor number 328.6A. I only care that he’s blond and not retarded. (to Jake) Okay, now listen to me. When you get over to her apartment tonight, don’t forget to compliment her photography.

JAKE: Just so we’re clear on this, does she take it, collect it or pose for it? Please tell me she poses for it in a way that makes her feel ashamed later.

NAOMI: (She takes it.) Jake, I want you to be very sweet to my baby sister. The girl hasn’t had a date in like months. So just, you know, show her a good time.

JAKE: All right.

NAOMI: Not a great time. Just, you know, a good time.

ADRIAN: You’re going on a blind date with your boss’ sister? You are so screwed.

JAKE: Oh, I’m not screwed if I don’t go. Oh, it’s my own fault. I made the mistake of telling Naomi I’m tired of dating women who never challenge me. (Jake takes his shirt off and women and even a guy watch appreciatively) I mean come on, Adrian. How many vapid, thong-wearing tantric-sex-loving models with fake tans and butterfly tattos on the small of their back can I date? It’s horrible.

ADRIAN: Caitlin doesn’t even have a small of her back. It’s all large.

JAKE: Don’t complain. At least you have someone to go home to every night. Someone who knows you and loves you. I haven’t had that since Annie left.

ADRIAN: You’ll find it again, Jake and when you do, you’ll realize it’s… overrated.


(Cut to Kylie in blue sweater.)

KYLIE: How do I look?

VAL: Like a Hasidic Jew going on your first trip to the mall.

KYLIE: All right, maybe this skirt’s a little long but I just don’t want to give off the wrong idea. What, the fun zone is off limits.

VAL: I think that’s coming thru loud and clear.

(phone rings and Kylie runs to it while roommate goes to the bathroom)

KYLIE: Hello?

PATRICK: Hi, Kylie. What are you doing?

KYLIE: Not much Patrick.

PATRICK: Really? Because it looks to me like you’re getting ready for something. Like a date, per se.

KYLIE: You got to stop watching me. (she goes to her window, it’s the Davin Blaine wannabe)

PATRICK: Um, Kylie, I’m entombed in a plexiglass right now, so there’s really not a lot to do in here, you know what I mean? Especially since my favorite fly died. Wait, Kylie, where are you going?

KYLIE: We broke up three months ago, Patrick. My life is no longer you’re business.

PATRICK: Oh, no, no, no, no. no no no no. you see, don’t you understand. I’ve stayed in this thing for 27 long days because of you. And whatk, now you’re telling me like, it’s just none of my business?

KYLIE: I didn’t ask you to do it.

PATRICK: Oh, no. You didn’t have to because I chose to create an original artistic state men as a symbol of my commitment to you.

KYLIE: Yeah, did you kind of copy that from David Blaine?

PATRICK: Okay, you know what? Ay, David Blaine is a hack, Kylie. And just so you know, I was encasing myself in plexiglass when he was still pulling coins out of kid’s asses at birthday parties. Wait, I’m sorry, I’m sorry Kylie, come back. Can you just come back? Hey? Hi. Hi, listen, K-bear, I need you.

KYLIE: You need fluids, fresh air and a trained professional for 50 minutes twice a week. Got to go. (closes blinds) Oh crap! (Clock 7:10)



Cut to another Scene (Clock that says. 7:10)

ADRIAN: Ew, you still got that disgusting sweaty palms thing.

JAKE: It’s called hyperhidrosis, and it’s a serious medical condition. Why don’t you go tease a guy in a wheelchair?

ADRIAN: Are you actually nervous about this date?

ADRIAN, I got to tell you, these random hookups are more stress than they’re worth. They’re not even fun anymore.

ADRIAN: Random hookups. All mine are scheduled and involve Caitlin.

(cell phone rings)

JAKE: Hold on. (Jake answers his cell) It’s Jake.

SHANE: Yo.

JAKE: Oh, hey, Shane, you’re all set. Madison Square Garden is yours for the next hour.

SHANE: Sweet, Jake baby! Now, just one more thing, find me a sparring partner and have him there in 10.

JAKE: But. (Shane hangs up) Pallie, how’d you like to go to a boxing match at Madison Square Garden?

ADRIAN: How are the seats?

JAKE: Very close.



Cut to Kylie’s apartment where she tries to go to bathroom but door’s lock.

KYLIE: Val, Val, open up, honey. I need a good mirror to finish my makeup.

(But Val’s in the tub with headphones listening to music and can’t hear)

KYLIE: Val? How many times do I have to tell you that when you listen to music in the tub, you can’t hear me?

(no answer)

KYLIE: why am I yhelling at you if you can’t hear me?



Cut to Adrian and Jake in a taxi

ADRIAN: He’s buff and scary and he’s gonna kill me!

JAKE: Come on, look, he’s just an actor pretending to be a boxer and he’s not that good an actor. Oh, hey, right here, right her. Look, please, just babysit the guy for an hour. That’ll give me enough time to grab a quick drink with the girl and make my boss happy. Come on, then we’ll have a good time after that, you and me. We’ll go out. Maybe we’ll go to a—

ADRIAN: Strip club and massage parlor, S& M?

JAKE: You’ve been thinking about this night for a long time, haven’t you?

ADRIAN: Maybe.

JAKE: (gets out of cab, drops wallet on floor) Oh and by the way, Shane’s a recovering alcoholic don’t let the guy near a drink.

(Jake walks up the apartment door)

ADRIAN: Ow. (to driver) Garden.


Cut to Kylie’s apartment. Val? Val. (Kylie knocks on bathroom then puts eyeliner and accidentally pierces her eye when Jake rings the doorbell.) Uh…oh. Her white top is stained by the pencil and she tries to rub it off but make it worse. Buzzer rings again.

MAN: They heard you the first time. Nobody likes a double buzzer.

JAKE: Thanks for the tip.

MAN: You’re gonna buzz again, aren’t you?

JAKE: I was thinking about it, yes.

KYLIE: Jake?

JAKE: Yep.

KYLIE: Can you come up? (having trouble with her eye, blinking rapidly)

JAKE: Sure. Oh, by the way, if this doesn’t work out, you and me, we’re going dancing.

(Man puts tobacco into his mouth, shaking his head.)

(Jake goes up the staircase-Kylie still fixing her eye in front of the mirror, Jake knocks, puts powder on his hands, shakes excess off and knocks again)

JAKE: (sighs) One drink and I’m out. (Split Screen, Jake on left side, Kylie on right still rapidly blinking, coming to open the door, a black stain now on her white top)

Compliment her photography, or her painting.

KYLIE: (split screen behind the door) This is gonna be fun. I can do this.

JAKE: No, no, her photography.

KYLIE: (opens the door, smiling.) Oh my god, it’s you.

JAKE: Yah, hi, I’m Jake Phillips. Nice to meet you.

KYLIE: Nice to meet me? (she looks upset) Nice to meet me? Ohh! (slams the door to his face)


JAKE: (chuckles) Hello? I couldn’t look that bad, could I? I love your photography…

KYLIE: (Making a face, she opens the door)

JAKE: Hi there.

KYLIE: You don’t remember me, do you?

JAKE: Yes, I do. Of course I remember you. You’re—I remember you—you’re Kylie.

KYLIE: Uh-huh.

JAKE: Naomi’s sister.

KYLIE: And?

JAKE: And her favorite sibling.

KYLIE: And?

JAKE: And quite frankly, a little conversational.

KYLIE: Okay, had a great time. Thanks for the date.

JAKE: Oh, oh, no, no I remember. Of course I remember you. You… (sneezes) you have a cat and I have allergies. See, I remember everything. Uh, so why don’t we go grab a drink?

KYLIE: I don’t think I’m gonna be grabbing a drink with you.

JAKE: Why not?

KYLIE: Oh I don’t know, maybe because I thought we had a great night together and you never called. And the worst part about it is you’re such a man whore you don’t even remember it.

JAKE: Man-whore. I think you’re confusing me with someone else.

KYLIE: Oh really? Let’s see, you cry every time you watch Jerry Mcguire.

JAKE: Who doesn’t.

KYLIE: You celebrated your 32nd birthday for the past three years because you’re terrified of getting older. And you carry around a little talcum powder in your pocket, because when you get nervous your palms get sweaty.

JAKE: H-How do you know about that? (Jake sees he leaves wet hand print on her wall

KYLIE: Because your hands were so slippery that night, I had to take my own bra off. (she turns away he pulls her back)

JAKE: Wait, wait, quick question. You haven’t mentioned any of this to your sister, have you?

KYLIE: No, not yet, but…

JAKE: He looks behind her as her roommate comes out of the bathroom naked.

Jake waves at her while Kylie’s mouth’s open in shock.

VAL: No way. (slips on the floor)

KYLIE: Oh! Can you excuse me a second?

JAKE: It’s okay, I’ve seen naked women before. I won’t remember a thing, just ask Kayla.

VAL: Kylie!

JAKE: See? (looks around looking for clues and calls friend)

ADRIAN: Hello?

JAKE: Hey Adrian, my blind date says we’ve hooked up before, but I don’t remember her.

ADRIAN: (Laughs).

JAKE: This isn’t funny. I need your help. All right, you know what I’ll do? I’m gonna send you a picture of her. You’re gonna help me figure out who the hell this girl is. Okay?

ADRIAN: Okay, all right just relax. I know exactly who can help. Just call your boss and ask her where you might have forked her little sister (laughs, leaves wallet in taxi and greasy looking man picks I tup) You are so screwed.

JAKE: Oh god, this is so terrible. I should remember someone I slept with especially this one. It’s the first girl that called on my crap in a long time and I got to tell you, it’s kind of working for me.



Cut to Kylie and roommate talking in the bedroom

VAL: Why didn’t you tell me there was a guy out there?

KYLIE: Do you realize who that is? Tricia’s wedding Jake.

VAL: The Tricia’s wedding Jake?

KYLIE: Yeah. Can you imagine that’s my sister’s idea of a guy I would be attracted to?

VAL: Well, didn’t you sleep with him?

KYLIE: Okay, but that’s not the point. We really connected that night. We drank tons of champagne. We danced to every song, even celebrate good time. I really opened up to him.

VAL: Yeah, I’ll say. How many times did you guys, uh….

KYLIE: That’d be four.

VAL: That’d be…jealous.

KYLIE: Don’t be. Stupid jerk doesn’t even remember who I am. You know what? I’m done. I don’t care anymore. Does this look cute?


JAKE: (split screen Adrian and Jake) Did the picture come through yet?

ADRIAN: Adrian checks picture on phone as sees boxer on ring) oh my sweet lord.

JAKE: You recognize her?

ADRIAN: No, god, no.

SHANE: Who are you?

ADRIAN:I-I’m your sparring partner?

SHANE: Good, because I’m in the mood to hit somebody. (boxer throws jabs)

ADRIAN: Of course you are. (grunting)


JAKE: (Jake on phone) Adrian? (cat scratches his hand) Son of a—aah! (Jake washes scratch on running water in sink)

KYLIE: You okay?

JAKE: Yes, no, I’m fine, I’m fine. I’m just bonding with your kitty. Friendly pet. Nice top. Adrian, I’ll call you back.

KYLIE: You, know, typical—I leave the room for a second and you’re already on your cell phone.

JAKE: Well, you were gone a long time.

KYLIE: I know, that was a cue for you to leave.Listen, I’m gonna let you off the hook. I won’t get you in trouble with my sister. I’ll just say that we had a great time, but that it just wasn’t meant to be (blinking rapidly) Okay?

JAKE: What’s the deal with your eye? (points to it)

KYLIE: Nothing, I poked myself with an eyeliner before you got here.

JAKE: All right, let me see

KYLIE: No, no I’m fine.

JAKE: Don’t worry, I have gentle hands.

KYLIE: Yes, I remember.

JAKE: Ahh, mmm. (sits her down) All right. (wipes hand on jacket) look up. Let’s see. Look up. (looks in her eye, pulls its side)

KYLIE: Ay, you’re being really nice right now but it doesn’t change the way I feel. One-n9ight stands might be a regular event in your world, but I had never done that before.

JAKE: Never?

KYLIE: No! I believe in romance and commitment before I do something like that.

JAKE: I believe in booze and soft lighting before I do it.

KYLIE: See, that’s exactly—

JAKE: Shh! Look up. (he wipes the rim of her eye with handkerchief) Almost. There, got it. See?

KYLIE: (She tests her eyes, rolls it around and closes it) wow, that—that’s uh, much better. Thank you.

JAKE: All right. Well, I’m gonna go.

KYLIE: Okay.

JAKE: I’m leaving. (stalls) I’m just gonna leave and once again, nice naked photography.

(telephone rings)

ANSWERING MACHINE: Hi, you’ve reached Kylie and Val. Leave a message.

JAKE: That’s cute.

PATRICK: Hi Kylie. What are you doing? I just want to say that AI hope you and that guy from Menudo over there are really happy. But who knows? Maybe he’ll give you all thoses things that you think I lack. I mean, maybe he’ll be more reliable, or he’ll have a checking accoung—oooh! Or in bed, he won’t—

KYLIE: Patrick, stop! Patrick! (raises blinds and Patrick’s face is on the window)
Aah!

PATRICK: Oh good, you’re home.



Patrick enters the house thru the window.


KYLIE: You, you get out of your cage?

PATRICK: If you mean my cell enclosure, sacrificially symbolic performance space, yes.

KYLIE: What happened to staying in there 30 days?

What happened to—I come out for—(trips then stands quickly) I came out for him. Excuse me, could I talk to you for a second? Um just so you know, I survived on nothing but stale water and sunflower seeds for 27 days. But the fire in my soul still burns strong enough to take your ass down! Is that food?

JAKE: You’re only eating sunflower seeds?

KYLIE: He’s been living in a glass box.

JAKE: Is he the guy who ripped off David Blaine?

PATRICK: Whoa, excuse me, excuse me, what did you say? What’s up with that?

KYLIE: Patrick, stop, you’re being ridiculous. Just go.

JAKE: Yeah, next time you build a glass box, put a shower in it.

PATRICK: Oh, hey, that’s a funny joke, funny bones. What are you, like a macho man? You want to tussle?

JAKE: I’m not afraid.

PATRICK: Hit me slugger. Because I’ll tell you right now, pain and I, we are old chums.

JAKE: I’m not gonna hit you in front of the lady.

PATRICK: Fine. Roof, now Chachi.

(in open mouthed shock as the men crawl out the window)

Okay homey, let’s do this.

JAKE: Yes, let’s but before we do… has Kylie ever mentioned a “Jake” to you before?

Say what?

JAKE: Look at his face, ringing any bells at all?

PATRICK: Okay, jackass, when the sugar from the cereal kicks in, guess who’s going off the ledge. (pushes Jake)

JAKE: Before anyone goes anywhere Patrick, may I give you some advice? This whole needy, desperate guy demeanor thing you’ve got going—wrong approach.

PATRICK: Oh, really pretty boy? I doubt that.

JAKE: Trust me. I’ve been in a lot of relationships okay? You can’t force it Patrick. Because if you do, you turn form romantic guy into creepy guy.

PATRICK: Eep, no, I don’t want to be creepy guy.

JAKE: You’re a little creepy.

PATRICK: Well, I don’t want to be that guy. See, you know what it is? It’s-- it’s-- I miss her…so much. (sobs, Jake puts his head closer to him as Kylie looks out the window and sees them)

JAKE: I know, I know.

(Kylie makes a face and turns away)

PATRICK: And It’s just all—It’s just her friends’ fault. It was like Val and—and—and Tricia and Nikki. I mean, no matter what I did, they never liked me.

JAKE: (pets his head) Wait, wait wait, did you just say Tricia?

PATRICK: Yeah.

JAKE: Tricia-married to Zach Tricia?

PATRICK: Zach, there’s another one who stabbed me in the back.

(pager beeps, stands) Oh snap, no, this is me, actually. The webcam hooked up to my performance space takes pictures every 10 minutes so I got to go.

JAKE: Wait, wait, hold it. Does that mean you’ve left your box before?

PATRICK: Yeah, occasionally. I have errands, dude. (goes up the ladder)



JAKE: (turns around and sees Kylie watching, smiles with a confident, knowing look and goes back thru window)

You and my ex have fun bonding?

JAKE: Yeah, I can’t believe you let that go.

Well, it was nice meeting you, Kylie…again. Oh, and um, not that it matters, but we met at Zach and Tricia’s wedding.

(crosses arms)

We stole a couple bottles champagne and we had an amazing night. I wanted to call you after and I never did. And um, it’s not something I’m proud of. It’s the kind of thing I’m trying not to do anymore. So, for what it’s worth, I’m—I’m really sorry. Good night. (walks to leave)

KYLIE: Hold on a minute.

(Jake turns back)

KYLIE: You really do remember that night?

(cell phone rings, Kylie makes a face like ‘here we go again.’)

SHANE: It’s Jake. (split screen) Man, your friend’s a horrible sparring partner. When you gonna get here?

JAKE: Um, Shane, I don’t think I’m gonna make it. (3 screen) I’m in the middle of something more important. (hangs up)

SHANE: What? I don’t believe it. He just hung up on me!

ADRIAN: He did? I’m sorry.

SHANE: So, you want to go a couple more rounds?

ADRIAN: I really cant…feel my legs.

SHANE: Well, we can go to a strip club.

ADRIAN: Strip club? I’d love to. (gets up)

(3 screen changes to split screen, Jake and Kylie)

KYLIE: One drink.

JAKE: One drink.

KYLIE: Just one drink.

JAKE: That’s all I ask.

KYLIE: This is not gonna be Tricia’s wedding all over again.

JAKE: Oh and I was so looking forward to dancing the hora.

(they exit apartment building, carrying jacket and purse.)

KYLIE: (she waves for a taxi) What, we’re walking?

JAKE: It’s three blocks away.

KYLIE: Have you seen these heels?

JAKE: Would you like me to carry you?

KYLIE: Ah, keep your sweaty hands to yourself.

~END ~

Shalla de Guzman writes multicultural, fantasy and paranormal novels with a chick lit tone. A former writer and producer of a health and fitness cable show, Shalla is now writing her top secret future NY Times best-seller. She is a member of OCC/RWA Chapter and FF&P.

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