MAMA'S FAMILY (partial) "Mama's Boyfriend" (1983) Mama takes a weekend trip with an old beau.
Season 1:9 Mama's Boyfriend (19-Mar-1983)
Scene 1 Thelma’s living room where she’s arranging the
THELMA: Down in the meadow in the itty-bitty pool (sings as she watches the door) Swan three little fish—(opens door) Frannie! Well, here, let me help you with that. (takes a bag of groceries) Swam three little fishies and a mama fishy, too swim, said the mama fishy, swim if you can (they walk to the kitchen) and they sawm and they swam all over the dam. Everybody! Boo, boo, dittum, dittum, why don’t you? (puts grocery bag down the table and puts on an apron)
FRANNIE: Somebody is certainly in a good mood.
THELMA: Well, what’s so unusual about that?
FRANNIE: Well, you are in an extraordinarily good mood. What’s going on here?
THELMA: Nothing’s goin’ on.
FRANNIE: What do you mean? You’re all gussied up, Thelma. My lord, you’re wearin’ lipstick and unless my poor, stuffed-up nose deceives me, is that no perfume you have on? What’s the big occasion here?
THELMA: No big occasion. I just happen to be goin’ out to dinner, that’s all. So, how was your day?
FRANNIE: My day was tragic, if you want to know. Mr. Yeagley called me from the First Methodist Church and said just because I have this little touch of laryngitis, he would propose I forgo choir practice this evening.
THELMA: Isn’t that a shame?
FRANNIE: Did you say you were goin’ out to dinner?
THELMA: Well, it’s not that unusual. I ran into an old friend today and we’re goin’ out to dinner. End of story. Don’t sit down, don’t sit down! I wanna show you somethin’.
FRANNIE: What?
THELMA: (opens refrigerator) this is your lasagna for dinner tonight. All you got to do is put it in the oven 350 degrees for 90 minutes.
FRANNIE: You are not suggesting that I prepare dinner after the exhausting and emotional day I have just had.
THELMA: Well, Vinton’s not as good with numbers as you are.
FRANNIE: I hardly think that a valid argument—
THELMA: Well, fine, they just don’t cook it! Eat a lasagna popsicle.
FRANNIE: Well, all right, I really don’t mind, I’ll do it. Actually, I’m glad to learn that you have a friend to go out to dinner with. What’s her name?
THELMA: (takes out dishes and utensils) His name is Woody Miller. (sings) Boo, boo, dittum dittum…
FRANNIE: A man?! Thelma… (runs to her) You are going to dinner with a man?
THELMA: No, Frannie, a basset hound.
FRANNIE: Oh, Thelma, it’s not that big, beady-eyed shoemaker— The one that’s always tryin’ to give you a free half sole?
THELMA: Well, for pete’s sake, Frannie.
FRANNIE: Well, it’s not that runty, little produce man? Thelma? You know, the one with the twitch?
THELMA: Well, good lord, Fran, I know more men than that.
FRANNIE: Well, I’m just tryin’ to find out. If you’re gonna go out with somebody peculiar.
THELMA: Down in the meadow in the itty-bitty-pool (sings)
FRANNIE: Thelma?
THELMA: Swam three little fishies and a mama fishy too. (goes to kitchen)
VINTON: Oh, hey, mama.
THELMA: Hello, Vinton. (opens ref) well, thank you.
VINTON: Well, look at you, all gussied up. Hee! You look great.
THELMA: Thank you.
VINTON: Oh, my lord, who died?
THELMA: Nobody died.
VINTON: Well, what are you wearin’ your funeral clothes for?
THELMA: Vinton, just because I wore this to a funeral once doesn’t make it a funeral dress. I wore it to the airport once too. Does that make it an airport dress?
FRANNIE: Your mama, it seems, has a date with a man this evening. Isn’t that wonderful?
VINTON: Well, yeah, that is wonderful. A date?! Well, I don’t know, mama, who is he?
THELMA: Woody Miller. We knew each other when we were young. (cuts cabbage) he got married and moved out of town, and I got married and stayed in town. I never saw him again till today.
VINTON: You saw him today?
THELMA: I was doin’ my marketing. Not expecting to run into anybody in particular—except for old Mrs. Potts, who always does her marketing every Wednesday afternoon. Anyhow, I noticed that somebody’s wavin’ at me.
FRANNIE: And it was Woody?
THELMA: Well, I can’t tell the story if I’m gonna be interrupted every time I open my mouth!
FRANNIE: I’m sorry, Thelma, I won’t interrupt.
THELMA: And it was Woody. He’s a widower living in Chicago, and he’s in town till tomorrow night visiting his sister.
FRANNIE: Oh, you mean he’s just in town overnight? Oh, well, isn’t that adorable? [giggles] Our Telma’s gonna have herself a fling.
THELMA: Oh, good lord, Frannie. What sort of fling could two old fossils like me and Woody have?
BUZZ: Hi, everybody. (grand kids enter)
FRANNIE: Children, look at your grandmother, doesn’t she look nice?
BUZZ: Sure do, grandma, who died?
VINTON: Nobody died, Buzz.
SONIA: Is she goin’ to the airport?
FRANNIE: Your grandma has a date with a man tonight.
BUZZ: I think that’s real nice (puts arm around her)
SONIA: I think it’s weird.
[doorbell rings]
BUZZ: I’ll get it.
THELMA: Freeze! It’s for me! (runs to the door, everyone watches) Who’s there?
WOODY: Down in the meadow in the itty-bitty pool (sings back)
THELMA: (looks at her family watching, straightens dress) Swim three little fishies (opens door)
WOODY: And a mama fishy, too.
THELMA: Swim, said the mama fishy, swim if you can (they both sing and dance) and they swam and they swam over the dam (hug)Oh, Woody!
WOODY: You cute thing you!
THELMA: Oh, bless your heart.
WOODY: I do hope that yellow roses are still your favorite. (hands her a bouquet)
THELMA: Well, you darlin’, you remembered! (they look at the family watching) That’s my family.
WOODY: That’s a relief, I thought it was a painting.
THELMA: Oh, come on out there, come meet Woody. (walk over) Come on, hurry up. Woody, this is my son, Vinton.
WOODY: Vint (shakes hand)
VINTON: Woody.
THELMA: This is Buzz and Sonia (shakes) Vinton’s children by his first wife who left him.
WOODY: Buzz, how are you?
THELMA: His current wife, Naomi, is out of town visiting relatives. Sonia, you wanna put those on water? (hands her bouquet)
WOODY: Wait a minute. (pulls one) A rose for a rose.
SONIA: (laughs and takes it) get serious.
WOODY: And who have we here?
THELMA: This is my unmarred sister, Fran.
FRANNIE: Yes. Ordinarily, they keep me hidden away in the attic. The mad spinster, don’t you know?
WOODY: (kisses hand) How do you do, Fran?
FRANNIE: Of course, I am unmarried by choice. I prefer to play the field, if you know what I mean.
THELMA: Woody, come on, we’re gonna be late.
VINTON: Uh, I don’t believe mama mentioned what line of work you’re in.
WOODY: She didn’t? I won a string of massage parlors.
VINTON: Oh?
THELMA: Oh, would you stop it?! He owns a great, big company, makes frozen foods.
WOODY: I was just pullin’ your leg, Vint.
VINTON: Well, I knew that. Frozen foods, huh? Bet there’s a pretty penny in that, huh?
WOODY: Probably not as lucrative as massage parlors, but I do alright.
THELMA: Well, you better do alright. Takin’ me to a fancy place like the Babylonian Roof Gardens.
VINTON: Babylonian Roof Gardens? Whoo! They even got valet parking down there. Boy, I’d be afraid to let one of ‘em park my car. How do you know it’s a real valet and not just some joker in a red coat who’s gonna take off in your vehicle?
THELMA: I wouldn’t worry about it, Vinton. They rarely steal pickup trucks without doors. Get the lead out, let’s go.
WOODY: Awfully nice meeting you all and don’t worry –I promise to have her home by curfew.
THELMA: Don’t wait up!
Scene 1 Thelma’s living room where she’s arranging the
THELMA: Down in the meadow in the itty-bitty pool (sings as she watches the door) Swan three little fish—(opens door) Frannie! Well, here, let me help you with that. (takes a bag of groceries) Swam three little fishies and a mama fishy, too swim, said the mama fishy, swim if you can (they walk to the kitchen) and they sawm and they swam all over the dam. Everybody! Boo, boo, dittum, dittum, why don’t you? (puts grocery bag down the table and puts on an apron)
FRANNIE: Somebody is certainly in a good mood.
THELMA: Well, what’s so unusual about that?
FRANNIE: Well, you are in an extraordinarily good mood. What’s going on here?
THELMA: Nothing’s goin’ on.
FRANNIE: What do you mean? You’re all gussied up, Thelma. My lord, you’re wearin’ lipstick and unless my poor, stuffed-up nose deceives me, is that no perfume you have on? What’s the big occasion here?
THELMA: No big occasion. I just happen to be goin’ out to dinner, that’s all. So, how was your day?
FRANNIE: My day was tragic, if you want to know. Mr. Yeagley called me from the First Methodist Church and said just because I have this little touch of laryngitis, he would propose I forgo choir practice this evening.
THELMA: Isn’t that a shame?
FRANNIE: Did you say you were goin’ out to dinner?
THELMA: Well, it’s not that unusual. I ran into an old friend today and we’re goin’ out to dinner. End of story. Don’t sit down, don’t sit down! I wanna show you somethin’.
FRANNIE: What?
THELMA: (opens refrigerator) this is your lasagna for dinner tonight. All you got to do is put it in the oven 350 degrees for 90 minutes.
FRANNIE: You are not suggesting that I prepare dinner after the exhausting and emotional day I have just had.
THELMA: Well, Vinton’s not as good with numbers as you are.
FRANNIE: I hardly think that a valid argument—
THELMA: Well, fine, they just don’t cook it! Eat a lasagna popsicle.
FRANNIE: Well, all right, I really don’t mind, I’ll do it. Actually, I’m glad to learn that you have a friend to go out to dinner with. What’s her name?
THELMA: (takes out dishes and utensils) His name is Woody Miller. (sings) Boo, boo, dittum dittum…
FRANNIE: A man?! Thelma… (runs to her) You are going to dinner with a man?
THELMA: No, Frannie, a basset hound.
FRANNIE: Oh, Thelma, it’s not that big, beady-eyed shoemaker— The one that’s always tryin’ to give you a free half sole?
THELMA: Well, for pete’s sake, Frannie.
FRANNIE: Well, it’s not that runty, little produce man? Thelma? You know, the one with the twitch?
THELMA: Well, good lord, Fran, I know more men than that.
FRANNIE: Well, I’m just tryin’ to find out. If you’re gonna go out with somebody peculiar.
THELMA: Down in the meadow in the itty-bitty-pool (sings)
FRANNIE: Thelma?
THELMA: Swam three little fishies and a mama fishy too. (goes to kitchen)
VINTON: Oh, hey, mama.
THELMA: Hello, Vinton. (opens ref) well, thank you.
VINTON: Well, look at you, all gussied up. Hee! You look great.
THELMA: Thank you.
VINTON: Oh, my lord, who died?
THELMA: Nobody died.
VINTON: Well, what are you wearin’ your funeral clothes for?
THELMA: Vinton, just because I wore this to a funeral once doesn’t make it a funeral dress. I wore it to the airport once too. Does that make it an airport dress?
FRANNIE: Your mama, it seems, has a date with a man this evening. Isn’t that wonderful?
VINTON: Well, yeah, that is wonderful. A date?! Well, I don’t know, mama, who is he?
THELMA: Woody Miller. We knew each other when we were young. (cuts cabbage) he got married and moved out of town, and I got married and stayed in town. I never saw him again till today.
VINTON: You saw him today?
THELMA: I was doin’ my marketing. Not expecting to run into anybody in particular—except for old Mrs. Potts, who always does her marketing every Wednesday afternoon. Anyhow, I noticed that somebody’s wavin’ at me.
FRANNIE: And it was Woody?
THELMA: Well, I can’t tell the story if I’m gonna be interrupted every time I open my mouth!
FRANNIE: I’m sorry, Thelma, I won’t interrupt.
THELMA: And it was Woody. He’s a widower living in Chicago, and he’s in town till tomorrow night visiting his sister.
FRANNIE: Oh, you mean he’s just in town overnight? Oh, well, isn’t that adorable? [giggles] Our Telma’s gonna have herself a fling.
THELMA: Oh, good lord, Frannie. What sort of fling could two old fossils like me and Woody have?
BUZZ: Hi, everybody. (grand kids enter)
FRANNIE: Children, look at your grandmother, doesn’t she look nice?
BUZZ: Sure do, grandma, who died?
VINTON: Nobody died, Buzz.
SONIA: Is she goin’ to the airport?
FRANNIE: Your grandma has a date with a man tonight.
BUZZ: I think that’s real nice (puts arm around her)
SONIA: I think it’s weird.
[doorbell rings]
BUZZ: I’ll get it.
THELMA: Freeze! It’s for me! (runs to the door, everyone watches) Who’s there?
WOODY: Down in the meadow in the itty-bitty pool (sings back)
THELMA: (looks at her family watching, straightens dress) Swim three little fishies (opens door)
WOODY: And a mama fishy, too.
THELMA: Swim, said the mama fishy, swim if you can (they both sing and dance) and they swam and they swam over the dam (hug)Oh, Woody!
WOODY: You cute thing you!
THELMA: Oh, bless your heart.
WOODY: I do hope that yellow roses are still your favorite. (hands her a bouquet)
THELMA: Well, you darlin’, you remembered! (they look at the family watching) That’s my family.
WOODY: That’s a relief, I thought it was a painting.
THELMA: Oh, come on out there, come meet Woody. (walk over) Come on, hurry up. Woody, this is my son, Vinton.
WOODY: Vint (shakes hand)
VINTON: Woody.
THELMA: This is Buzz and Sonia (shakes) Vinton’s children by his first wife who left him.
WOODY: Buzz, how are you?
THELMA: His current wife, Naomi, is out of town visiting relatives. Sonia, you wanna put those on water? (hands her bouquet)
WOODY: Wait a minute. (pulls one) A rose for a rose.
SONIA: (laughs and takes it) get serious.
WOODY: And who have we here?
THELMA: This is my unmarred sister, Fran.
FRANNIE: Yes. Ordinarily, they keep me hidden away in the attic. The mad spinster, don’t you know?
WOODY: (kisses hand) How do you do, Fran?
FRANNIE: Of course, I am unmarried by choice. I prefer to play the field, if you know what I mean.
THELMA: Woody, come on, we’re gonna be late.
VINTON: Uh, I don’t believe mama mentioned what line of work you’re in.
WOODY: She didn’t? I won a string of massage parlors.
VINTON: Oh?
THELMA: Oh, would you stop it?! He owns a great, big company, makes frozen foods.
WOODY: I was just pullin’ your leg, Vint.
VINTON: Well, I knew that. Frozen foods, huh? Bet there’s a pretty penny in that, huh?
WOODY: Probably not as lucrative as massage parlors, but I do alright.
THELMA: Well, you better do alright. Takin’ me to a fancy place like the Babylonian Roof Gardens.
VINTON: Babylonian Roof Gardens? Whoo! They even got valet parking down there. Boy, I’d be afraid to let one of ‘em park my car. How do you know it’s a real valet and not just some joker in a red coat who’s gonna take off in your vehicle?
THELMA: I wouldn’t worry about it, Vinton. They rarely steal pickup trucks without doors. Get the lead out, let’s go.
WOODY: Awfully nice meeting you all and don’t worry –I promise to have her home by curfew.
THELMA: Don’t wait up!
posted by Shalla at 3:42 PM
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