COUPLING: The Girl With Two Breasts (2000)
COUPLING: The Girl With Two Breasts (2000)
Jack Davenport, Gina Bellamn, Sarha Alexander.
At a Bar Patrick is carrying drinks and checks out a big breasted woman’s cleavage.
JEFF: Georgia, no, it’s too ordinary.
Sophia.
No, it’s too obvious.
I was right, it’s a foreign language book.
That’s good.
Why?
Intellectual depth. She’s learned a new language. There’s a bit more to her than just the potential for nudity.
That’s not bad, Jeff. Here’s the first time you’ve managed to express a view without lowering my opinion of you.
Plus, learning a new language is like a whole workout for the mouth.
There are times when I worry about the way you see women.
I see women as people in their own right.
In many ways, they are.
You see women as transport for breasts.
Hey, I can see past, I can see past breasts now, Steve. I need more than that.
I can tell.
I need breasts with brains. I don’t mean individual brains obviously.
Well, no.
I mean, not a brain each. You know, I like intelligent women, but you’ve got to draw the line somewhere.
And you draw the line at intelligent breasts.
Well, I think breast brains would be over-egging the woman pudding.
Besides, it would give breast the power of independent thought, and the next thing is, they don’t get on. There’s a clash of personalities.
Yes, so often happens with similar people in similar jobs, working in the same bra.
Exactly.
I mean, what if a fight broke out?
It’s going to be a tough image to shake, really, isn’t it?
Do you know, I’ve got an idea for a new film.
(Steve an Patrick sigh as woman adjusts her dress)
do you know what would be the best way to wipe out all of human kind if I were a space alien with a special kind of mind ray?
No, I don’t believe it’s ever come up, mate.
Make all women telepathic. Because if they suddenly found out about the kind of stuff that goes on in our heads, they’d kill us all on the spot. Men are not people, we are disgustoids in human form.
“Wobble Wars.”
What?
“Wobble Wars,” the title for the new porn film about the battling breast brains.
In the event of a mind ray alert, stand next to Patrick.
Yeah, but we’re all the same as Patrick. See, women think we’re normal, like them, because we talk to them like normal people. You know, we say, “hello, how are you? Haven’t seen you in this place before. What kind of music do you like?” but all the time, in our brains, we’ve got the word “breasts” on a loop. If we ever lost control for a second, we’d all start shouting “breasts, breasts, breasts, breasts, breasts.”
Did you see that?
Yeah, I certainly did.
You got a glance, Jeff.ss
Yeah, that confirmed that was a first glance. We have confirmed glancing.
Okay, time to maximize your advantage. Get over there and talk to her,. Don’t say “breasts.”
I can’t talk to her now.
Why not?
We’ve been watching her for an hour.
So?
What do you mean, so?
I’m way past the nudity buffer, be serious.
When you say things like “nudity buffer,” do you actually expect people to understand what you’re talking about?
Jeff chuckles. Right When you first see an attractive woman, you’ve got a nudity buffer of maybe five minutes before you’ve fully mapped out what she looks like naked.
A whole five?
Yeah, well, you’ve got to assess her nipple type. That takes time.
Good point.
If you don’t get in there and talk to her during the first five minutes, it’s too late. Because then she’ll be naked in your head and you’ll forget rule one of playing it cool.
Which is?
Only smile at her face.
(Woman smiles at Jeff)
forget the nudity brother, she just did another glance.
Forget it, forget the power of the buffer, Patrick? Did I tell you about the little redhead in my office?
Never mind about the little redhead.
Been there two years, but I missed the buffer. That redhead has been naked in my head for two years now, performing deviant sex acts that would make the world’s top porn stars go white and steady themselves on the furniture. I lose the ability to speak the moment she comes into the room. Every time she passes me in a corridor, I walk sideways into the wall. She thinks I’m a mute with a balance problem.
Jesus, definitely a look, possibly even a linger.
Right, if she touches her hair, you’re in.
Her hair?
Their second thoughs is always to worry about their hair.
What, when they see someone they like?
Just generally.
This is not a drill!
Right, if she angles an extremity in your direction, we’re in business.
Incoming.
Right, Mr. Spock, put the Enterprise on Red alert. And you know what that means Captain Kirk, it is time to shag the alien’s girlfriend.
Do you remember when Captain Kirk saw a beautiful woman, the screen would go all misty. I thought his eyes were steaming up because he was so excited. Every time I talked ot a girl in my class I tried to make my eyes steam up. They called me Scary Jeff.
Scary Jeff, beam over.
I can’t.
Just get over there, get us some drinks, start chatting casually, it’s dead easy. And the next time you walk past the office redhead, you’ll just smile.
No, I tried smiling at her once, I destroyed a water cooler.
Go.
(Jeff stands) I’ve got all that digustoid stuff in my head now. What if I say “gusset” accidentally?
My advice?
Yes.
Don’t.
Thanks.
Any time.
(Jeff walk to the woman and tries to move in)
Two minds, one bra?
No, I preferred “Wobble Wars.”
You can read.
(She looks at him, smiling)
I mean, you are reading. Sorry. It’s nice to see people reading. Not a lot of people read these days. People prefer to, um… hear. But all this hearing is just reading for lazy people. Kids today should be prepared to pick up a book, and not just go around the whole time with all these modern… ears. Sometimes I just want to rip people’s ears off and say, “read a book for god’s sake.” Well, actually, I’d probably say “read a book” first and then rip their ears off, otherwise they wouldn’t hear me. Actually, I probably wouldn’t rip their ears off at all. I’m not a violent person. I like ears, especially women ears, they’re my favorite. I don’t mean I collect them or anything. I don’t have a big bucket of women ears hidden away somewhere. No, no, no, I’m not after your ears really, not that there’s anything wrong with your ears, you know, if I was some kind of mad ear person, your ears would be the pride of my, um, ear bucket. Oh, my god.
(Woman speaks Hebrew)
I forgot how to understand English. I hate it when that happens.
She’s from Israel. She speaks Hebrew. (The women speak Hebrew to each other)
So sorry I exist. Men get so disappointed whent eh flat-chested friend turns up.
Well, that’s a bit unfair. It’s hardly your fault.
Thank you.
(breathing heavily) so, she doesn’t understand a word I’ve been saying?
Nope.
Result! (laughs)
Result?
That’s the first good thing that’s ever happened to me every, ever!
(Speaking Hebrew)
she’s apologizing for letting you talk so long.
No, no, no, no! It’s great! I was explaining how I collect women’s ears.
(Speaking Hebrew)
Jeff is enthralled with a foreign woman who doesn’t understand English.
Jack Davenport, Gina Bellamn, Sarha Alexander.
At a Bar Patrick is carrying drinks and checks out a big breasted woman’s cleavage.
JEFF: Georgia, no, it’s too ordinary.
Sophia.
No, it’s too obvious.
I was right, it’s a foreign language book.
That’s good.
Why?
Intellectual depth. She’s learned a new language. There’s a bit more to her than just the potential for nudity.
That’s not bad, Jeff. Here’s the first time you’ve managed to express a view without lowering my opinion of you.
Plus, learning a new language is like a whole workout for the mouth.
There are times when I worry about the way you see women.
I see women as people in their own right.
In many ways, they are.
You see women as transport for breasts.
Hey, I can see past, I can see past breasts now, Steve. I need more than that.
I can tell.
I need breasts with brains. I don’t mean individual brains obviously.
Well, no.
I mean, not a brain each. You know, I like intelligent women, but you’ve got to draw the line somewhere.
And you draw the line at intelligent breasts.
Well, I think breast brains would be over-egging the woman pudding.
Besides, it would give breast the power of independent thought, and the next thing is, they don’t get on. There’s a clash of personalities.
Yes, so often happens with similar people in similar jobs, working in the same bra.
Exactly.
I mean, what if a fight broke out?
It’s going to be a tough image to shake, really, isn’t it?
Do you know, I’ve got an idea for a new film.
(Steve an Patrick sigh as woman adjusts her dress)
do you know what would be the best way to wipe out all of human kind if I were a space alien with a special kind of mind ray?
No, I don’t believe it’s ever come up, mate.
Make all women telepathic. Because if they suddenly found out about the kind of stuff that goes on in our heads, they’d kill us all on the spot. Men are not people, we are disgustoids in human form.
“Wobble Wars.”
What?
“Wobble Wars,” the title for the new porn film about the battling breast brains.
In the event of a mind ray alert, stand next to Patrick.
Yeah, but we’re all the same as Patrick. See, women think we’re normal, like them, because we talk to them like normal people. You know, we say, “hello, how are you? Haven’t seen you in this place before. What kind of music do you like?” but all the time, in our brains, we’ve got the word “breasts” on a loop. If we ever lost control for a second, we’d all start shouting “breasts, breasts, breasts, breasts, breasts.”
Did you see that?
Yeah, I certainly did.
You got a glance, Jeff.ss
Yeah, that confirmed that was a first glance. We have confirmed glancing.
Okay, time to maximize your advantage. Get over there and talk to her,. Don’t say “breasts.”
I can’t talk to her now.
Why not?
We’ve been watching her for an hour.
So?
What do you mean, so?
I’m way past the nudity buffer, be serious.
When you say things like “nudity buffer,” do you actually expect people to understand what you’re talking about?
Jeff chuckles. Right When you first see an attractive woman, you’ve got a nudity buffer of maybe five minutes before you’ve fully mapped out what she looks like naked.
A whole five?
Yeah, well, you’ve got to assess her nipple type. That takes time.
Good point.
If you don’t get in there and talk to her during the first five minutes, it’s too late. Because then she’ll be naked in your head and you’ll forget rule one of playing it cool.
Which is?
Only smile at her face.
(Woman smiles at Jeff)
forget the nudity brother, she just did another glance.
Forget it, forget the power of the buffer, Patrick? Did I tell you about the little redhead in my office?
Never mind about the little redhead.
Been there two years, but I missed the buffer. That redhead has been naked in my head for two years now, performing deviant sex acts that would make the world’s top porn stars go white and steady themselves on the furniture. I lose the ability to speak the moment she comes into the room. Every time she passes me in a corridor, I walk sideways into the wall. She thinks I’m a mute with a balance problem.
Jesus, definitely a look, possibly even a linger.
Right, if she touches her hair, you’re in.
Her hair?
Their second thoughs is always to worry about their hair.
What, when they see someone they like?
Just generally.
This is not a drill!
Right, if she angles an extremity in your direction, we’re in business.
Incoming.
Right, Mr. Spock, put the Enterprise on Red alert. And you know what that means Captain Kirk, it is time to shag the alien’s girlfriend.
Do you remember when Captain Kirk saw a beautiful woman, the screen would go all misty. I thought his eyes were steaming up because he was so excited. Every time I talked ot a girl in my class I tried to make my eyes steam up. They called me Scary Jeff.
Scary Jeff, beam over.
I can’t.
Just get over there, get us some drinks, start chatting casually, it’s dead easy. And the next time you walk past the office redhead, you’ll just smile.
No, I tried smiling at her once, I destroyed a water cooler.
Go.
(Jeff stands) I’ve got all that digustoid stuff in my head now. What if I say “gusset” accidentally?
My advice?
Yes.
Don’t.
Thanks.
Any time.
(Jeff walk to the woman and tries to move in)
Two minds, one bra?
No, I preferred “Wobble Wars.”
You can read.
(She looks at him, smiling)
I mean, you are reading. Sorry. It’s nice to see people reading. Not a lot of people read these days. People prefer to, um… hear. But all this hearing is just reading for lazy people. Kids today should be prepared to pick up a book, and not just go around the whole time with all these modern… ears. Sometimes I just want to rip people’s ears off and say, “read a book for god’s sake.” Well, actually, I’d probably say “read a book” first and then rip their ears off, otherwise they wouldn’t hear me. Actually, I probably wouldn’t rip their ears off at all. I’m not a violent person. I like ears, especially women ears, they’re my favorite. I don’t mean I collect them or anything. I don’t have a big bucket of women ears hidden away somewhere. No, no, no, I’m not after your ears really, not that there’s anything wrong with your ears, you know, if I was some kind of mad ear person, your ears would be the pride of my, um, ear bucket. Oh, my god.
(Woman speaks Hebrew)
I forgot how to understand English. I hate it when that happens.
She’s from Israel. She speaks Hebrew. (The women speak Hebrew to each other)
So sorry I exist. Men get so disappointed whent eh flat-chested friend turns up.
Well, that’s a bit unfair. It’s hardly your fault.
Thank you.
(breathing heavily) so, she doesn’t understand a word I’ve been saying?
Nope.
Result! (laughs)
Result?
That’s the first good thing that’s ever happened to me every, ever!
(Speaking Hebrew)
she’s apologizing for letting you talk so long.
No, no, no, no! It’s great! I was explaining how I collect women’s ears.
(Speaking Hebrew)
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