NIGHT COURT: Walk Away Renee

Night Court (1985) Harry Anderson, John Larroquette, Richard Moll. Bull knowingly falls in love with a prostitute.

Scene 1: In court, table, the lawyers are looking through them

HAROLD: Hey, Mac?

MAC: Yeah?

HAROLD: Bull’s been late 4 days straight, what’s going on?

MAC: Bull’s got himself a girlfriend.

DAN: Oh, really? Animal, vegetable or mineral?

BULL: (runs in) Hi, guys! Sorry, I’m late.

HAROLD: Bull, how about calling the court to order.

BULL: With pleasure, sir. (walks to the podium) All rise! Criminal court part two is now in session. The honorable, adorable, kind, compassionate Harold T. Stone presiding.

DAN: You may all be nauseated.

HAROLD: What’s this?

BULL: I wrote you a poem, sir.

HAROLD: A poem? (unfolds)

HAROLD: Da da da da da da da da da…

CHRISTINE: Oh, come on, read it to us, sir.

HAROLD: I did. (shows it) Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da…

MAC: At least it rhymes.

HAROLD: How about that first case, Mac?

MAC: Maybe we should wait until the aircraft makes its final approach.

BULL: (waving) Yoo-hoo! Renee!

RENEE: (waves) Hi.

BULL: (runs goofily)

DAN: My God, I think he’s going to kiss her.

BULL: (runs, picks her up and they kiss)

DAN: (makes a face) I was wrong, he’s going to swallow her.

BULL: Ha ha ha! How’s my little pork chop?

RENEE: Delicious!

HAROLD: I’ve never seen Bull so happy.

CHRISTINE: I’ve never seen Bull so alive.

FLORENCE: I’ve never seen Bull with a hooker. Course, I don’t get out much.


Scene 2: Bull and Renee hugging

HAROLD: Pork Chop is a hooker?

FLORENCE: (nods)

HAROLD: Are you sure?

FLORENCE: (nods) Positive. She put in so much time in holding at the Brooklyn Courthouse that we put her in the staff Christmas picture. (laughs)

CHRISTINE: No! It can’t be.

FLORENCE: I could call Brooklyn and get her file.

HAROLD: No, that would feel like we’re spying.

BULL: Here’s the signed blank checks you asked for, sugar bun.

HAROLD: Put a rush on it.

RENEE: (flips thru)


Scene 3: Court

HAROLD: That’s lunch everybody.

BULL: Sir, can Florence take this prisoner? I need to run down to the bank and cash in my I.R.A. I got my eye on a little snow blower I think Renee’s going to flip over.

CHRISTINE: Bull, your I.R.A. is for your retirement.

BULL: I’ll probably be killed in a prison break long before that.

FLORENCE: Imagine the neck muscles you need to hold up that much granite.

BULL: Sir?

HAROLD: Sure, Bull, go ahead.

DAN: Thar he spends!

CHRISTINE: You let him go? You’re just going to sit there while he cashes his life savings?

HAROLD: Well, come on, Miss Sullivan. We’re not even sure that she’s…

MAC: Still working horizontally? Afraid so. She got busted last week. Here’s her file.

CHRISTINE: Ok, ok, we have proof. Somebody has got to do something.

HAROLD: How do you tell 7 feet of unbridled emotion that the apple of his eye takes American Express?

CHRISTINE: Well, it has to come from a friend. (they look at Mac)

MAC: Uh-uh! No, I was the one who told him about the tooth fairy. Like to rip my lips off.


Scene 4: Renee smiling, eyes closed as Bull surprises her

BULL: Are your eyes closed?

RENEE: Yeah.

BULL: (pulls covers) Ta da! (motorcycle)

RENEE: Oh, Bull! What can I say?! Did you remember the optional maintenance guarantee.

BULL: You know I did. (give it to her)

RENEE: Oh!


Scene 5: A woman walks into court and covers Dan’s eyes

WOMAN: Surprise!

DAN: Sheila! (gets up)

SHEILA: Glad to see me?

DAN: Yes! Of course! But last time, I remember you said you wouldn’t—

SHEILA: Shhh… Don’t talk…just listen. Our last date was the most intense, erotic experience in my life… and I said we could never top it, but I’ve been doing more research… and I think it just might be possible… if you don’t mind taking a few risks.

DAN: (shakes head)

SHEILA: Good, I’ll pick you up after court.

BUM: Hey, you ok?

DAN: I think I’m starting to hyperventilate.

BUM: Here, breathe into this… and don’t worry about the socks in there.


Scene 6: Renee looking at her motorcycle.

RENEE: Oh, great.

CHRISTINE: Problem?

RENEE: I asked for whitewalls.

CHRISTINE: Oh, I thought maybe you wanted one that folded out into a bed.

RENEE: Who in he hell are you? And where can I get that shade of dye?

CHRISTINE: Look, Bull is a friend of mine, and I happen to care about him very much.

RENEE: Oh, that’s very nice, but I didn’t see your name on him anywhere and I’m very thorough.

CHRISTINE: My name happens to be Christine Sullivan, legal aide.

RENEE: Renee Carroll, hospitality engineer.

CHRISTINE: Listen I know who you are and I know what you are, so don’t think you can go hustling one of my friends.

RENEE: Meow! I’m going to get a cup of coffee. Can I get you a saucer of milk?

CHRISTINE: Listen, I’m warning you, I will tell him everything if I have to.

RENEE: Go ahead, tell him what I am, tell him that I’m after his money. You say you’re a friend of his, then you know. It’ll kill him.


Scene 7: Court with Harold

CHRISTINE: He gave the slut a motorcycle!

HAROLD: What slut and how many CC’s?

CHRISTINE: She admitted it, your honor. She as much as dared me to tell Bull that she was a prostitute and she was after his money.

HAROLD: And?

CHRISTINE: Well, I looked him right in the eye and chickened out.

BULL: Oh, hi, sir. Christine, I was just wondering if we had enough time left for me to run down to the tire store?

HAROLD: Bull, would you mind if we had a little chat first?

BULL: No, sir, I could listen to your feckless meandering all night. (sits)

HAROLD: Bull, it’s about Renee.

BULL: Yeah?

HAROLD: Read this.

BULL: Why don’t you just tell me?

HAROLD: Bull, Renee is a… she’s an…

DAN: For God sakes! Bull, the woman is a hooker!

BULL: (attacks him)


Scene 8: In the hall

MAC: We’re going to need a gross of pencils, 3 dozen typewriter ribbons…

[Dan screams]

[crash]

MAC: 6 pints of whole blood…


Scene 9: In the hall, smoke is coming out under the courtroom door

[banging]

MAC: (brings in cups of water) Here’s your coffee sir. Bull’s still at it, huh?

HAROLD: That was a major appliance, wasn’t it?

FLORENCE: A .44 caliber—it won’t stop him, but it should slow him down.

MAC: Oh, I just got off the phone with the hospital. They released Dan 20 min. ago.

FLORENCE: The big guy really nailed him, huh?

MAC: Bull didn’t really hit him. Dan flinched, fell backwards, bounced off the wall, tripped over a rug, and dented Harry’s refrigerator with his back.

[crash]

(Dan rolls thru, bandaged, in a wheelchair)

FLORENCE: So, that’s why they call him Dr. Strangelove.

CHRISTINE: Dan, are you all right?

DAN: I’m fine, I’ve got my friends, I’ve got my career, and an unlimited mileage rate.

[banging, door opens, Bull comes out]

BULL: All the fires are out.

HAROLD: Say, that is good news.

BULL: I figure, $5000 should cover it. (gives money)

MAC: (looks in) Oh, my dear God.

HAROLD: Is it that bad?

MAC: Did you see the Day After?

HAROLD: (looks in)


Scene 9: Bull is sitting on a table, Florence enters

FLORENCE: She really ripped your heart out, huh?

BULL: (nods)

FLORENCE: You want to talk about it?

BULL: (shakes head)

FLORENCE: You will eventually, and I’ll be there for you. (meets Renee) Fort Benning, Georgia, the 82nd Airborne Division said to say hello.

RENEE: Hey, baby, I missed you. (kisses him)

BULL: As much as all the other guys?

RENEE: Come on, you don’t think there’s another guy.

BULL: Does the name John ring a bell? You sleep with men for money.

RENEE: So, you figured it out. What are you going to do? You going to sic your judge friend on me?

BULL: Renee--

RENEE: What is he going to charge me with? Felony present-accepting? Well, I’m not going to give them back ‘cause I already hocked them.

BULL: That’s your business.

RENEE: That’s right, that is my business. My business is conning jerks like you.

BULL: Good bye, Renee.

RENEE: Wait a minute! I took you to the cleaners! You’ve been had, big boy. Don’t you get it?

BULL: Yeah, I do get it.

RENEE: Good, then go ahead and hit me. (offers her chin) Come on, I can take it. Go ahead! I been hit before.

BULL: I feel sorry for you.

RENEE: I said hit me, Bozo.

BULL: I see people like you every day. They take and take because they never fill up inside.

RENEE: Why don’t you get angry with me?!

BULL: Oh, I’m angry all right.

RENEE: See?

BULL: I’m angry at all those people that hurt you because they hurt you real bad, and it makes me sad to think about the other Renee—the one that never had a chance… the one I fell in love with. (waves) Bye.

RENEE: That’s it?

BULL: Oh, yeah, I almost forgot (scoops up a gift and gives it to her) Happy anniversary. Would have been 2 weeks tonight.

RENEE: (opens it, reveals a red gown)


Scene 10: Court, Mac brings in a paper bag

MAC: Sir.

HAROLD: What’s that?

MAC: Your couch.

HAROLD: I guess reupholstering is out of the question.

MAC: Uh-huh.

BULL: You want the next case, sir?

HAROLD: Bull, are you okay?

BULL: Sir, life may be filled with pitfalls and uncertainty… but from adversity comes strength.

HAROLD: Who said that?

BULL: It’s me, sir. Bull!

BUM: Holy cow!

RENEE: (enters in red gown)

BUM: That is a bold fashion statement!

RENEE: (walks to the court) Your honor, may I address the court?

Listen, I—I don’t—

RENEE: I… am a hooker.

BULL: Renee, don’t

RENEE: You see, I degrade myself for money because… I don’t like myself very much.

BULL: Please.

RENEE: No, that’s not entirely true. I don’t like myself at all. And this man… (points to Bull) made me feel like a princess. Do you know why? You know why? Well, I don’t know why either. Can somebody please tell me why? (cries and falls to the floor)

BULL: Ok, ok, it’s going to be ok.

HAROLD: Just call it a night.

MAC: Right.

FLORENCE: I’ll get her some water.

HAROLD: Thanks Flo. (runs to them) Everything under control, Bull? Right, I’ve been meaning to go in for that brain scan. All right folks, show’s over.

CHRISTINE: Why did she have to do this? Now I feel sorry for her.

HAROLD: Let’s take her in my office. Maybe I’ll get one for Christmas.

BULL: Ok, now… take a deep breath.

RENEE: (inhales)

BULL: Feel any better?

RENEE: I feel dizzy and nauseous.

Reality does that to you sometimes.

RENEE: I don’t even know why I came here, but I knew I just had to.

BULL: I think it had something to do with self-respect. You had an attack of dignity. Hopefully, it’s chronic.

HAROLD: Should we call a doctor?

RENEE: Good idea.

BULL: You’re hurt?

RENEE: No, I would like somebody to take an x-ray of you to tell me what you are because no man can be that compassionate.

HAROLD: You’re wrong there, Renee. He’s a man all right. Admittedly, there aren’t many around who are as special as he is, but there are a few, and if we’re lucky, if we’re very, very lucky, one crosses our path in a lifetime.

BULL: Are we talking about the film Gandhi?

HAROLD: Some of them are cute, too.

BULL: Come on now, upsy daisy.

RENEE: I feel so embarrassed.

BULL: Oh, forget it. You know something? It’s not what other people think that counts. It’s how we feel about ourselves.

RENEE: You make me feel beautiful.

BULL: Yeah, well, red’s your color. It’s not the dress, I know, but if I hear one more compliment, I think I’m going to throw up. Hey, that reminds me, I’m hungry. How about you?

RENEE: Yeah, I could use a bite.

BULL: Great, I know this quaint little all –you-can-eat liver joint down the block.

RENEE: If you’ll be there, then it’s going to be wonderful.

BULL: (offers his arm and they walk off, smiling, together)

CHRISTINE: He is one special man.

HAROLD: Yeah, he is. Come on, I know a quaint little all you can eat kelp bar next to the liver joint. (he offers his arm and they walk off, smiling together)

SHEILA: (enters) Dan. It’s time.

DAN: Huh, Sheila, about the wheelchair…

SHEILA: Shh, you’re talking again, Dan. By the way, 3 of my friends from Sweden will be joining us. I’m afraid they’re not very bright. I hope you don’t mind. (Dan shakes his head) Good. The hotel address is on the key. We’ll be waiting for you in the marquis de Sade suite. Bite. Don’t be late… or we’ll have to start without you.

DAN: (to Christine and Harold) Light a candle for me. (rolls off) Uh, could you give me a hand please?

(They clap) Bravo! Encore!

No really, come on, I’m serious.

HAROLD: Come on, gang, kelp’s on me.

DAN: Wait, no, no, wait!

FLORENCE: We would, we want to, we did.

DAN: Flo, Flo. Phil! Phil! Come here, come here! Hurry up! Look, they are waiting, you have to help me out.

BUM: Sure, pal. (takes the key and leaves) I’ll do my best!

DAN: Phil!

NIGHT COURT: Walk Away Renee

Night Court (1985) Harry Anderson, John Larroquette, Richard Moll. Bull knowingly falls in love with a prostitute.

Scene 1: In court, table, the lawyers are looking through them

HAROLD: Hey, Mac?

MAC: Yeah?

HAROLD: Bull’s been late 4 days straight, what’s going on?

MAC: Bull’s got himself a girlfriend.

DAN: Oh, really? Animal, vegetable or mineral?

BULL: (runs in) Hi, guys! Sorry, I’m late.

HAROLD: Bull, how about calling the court to order.

BULL: With pleasure, sir. (walks to the podium) All rise! Criminal court part two is now in session. The honorable, adorable, kind, compassionate Harold T. Stone presiding.

DAN: You may all be nauseated.

HAROLD: What’s this?

BULL: I wrote you a poem, sir.

HAROLD: A poem? (unfolds)

HAROLD: Da da da da da da da da da…

CHRISTINE: Oh, come on, read it to us, sir.

HAROLD: I did. (shows it) Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da…

MAC: At least it rhymes.

HAROLD: How about that first case, Mac?

MAC: Maybe we should wait until the aircraft makes its final approach.

BULL: (waving) Yoo-hoo! Renee!

RENEE: (waves) Hi.

BULL: (runs goofily)

DAN: My God, I think he’s going to kiss her.

BULL: (runs, picks her up and they kiss)

DAN: (makes a face) I was wrong, he’s going to swallow her.

BULL: Ha ha ha! How’s my little pork chop?

RENEE: Delicious!

HAROLD: I’ve never seen Bull so happy.

CHRISTINE: I’ve never seen Bull so alive.

FLORENCE: I’ve never seen Bull with a hooker. Course, I don’t get out much.


Scene 2: Bull and Renee hugging

HAROLD: Pork Chop is a hooker?

FLORENCE: (nods)

HAROLD: Are you sure?

FLORENCE: (nods) Positive. She put in so much time in holding at the Brooklyn Courthouse that we put her in the staff Christmas picture. (laughs)

CHRISTINE: No! It can’t be.

FLORENCE: I could call Brooklyn and get her file.

HAROLD: No, that would feel like we’re spying.

BULL: Here’s the signed blank checks you asked for, sugar bun.

HAROLD: Put a rush on it.

RENEE: (flips thru)


Scene 3: Court

HAROLD: That’s lunch everybody.

BULL: Sir, can Florence take this prisoner? I need to run down to the bank and cash in my I.R.A. I got my eye on a little snow blower I think Renee’s going to flip over.

CHRISTINE: Bull, your I.R.A. is for your retirement.

BULL: I’ll probably be killed in a prison break long before that.

FLORENCE: Imagine the neck muscles you need to hold up that much granite.

BULL: Sir?

HAROLD: Sure, Bull, go ahead.

DAN: Thar he spends!

CHRISTINE: You let him go? You’re just going to sit there while he cashes his life savings?

HAROLD: Well, come on, Miss Sullivan. We’re not even sure that she’s…

MAC: Still working horizontally? Afraid so. She got busted last week. Here’s her file.

CHRISTINE: Ok, ok, we have proof. Somebody has got to do something.

HAROLD: How do you tell 7 feet of unbridled emotion that the apple of his eye takes American Express?

CHRISTINE: Well, it has to come from a friend. (they look at Mac)

MAC: Uh-uh! No, I was the one who told him about the tooth fairy. Like to rip my lips off.


Scene 4: Renee smiling, eyes closed as Bull surprises her

BULL: Are your eyes closed?

RENEE: Yeah.

BULL: (pulls covers) Ta da! (motorcycle)

RENEE: Oh, Bull! What can I say?! Did you remember the optional maintenance guarantee.

BULL: You know I did. (give it to her)

RENEE: Oh!


Scene 5: A woman walks into court and covers Dan’s eyes

WOMAN: Surprise!

DAN: Sheila! (gets up)

SHEILA: Glad to see me?

DAN: Yes! Of course! But last time, I remember you said you wouldn’t—

SHEILA: Shhh… Don’t talk…just listen. Our last date was the most intense, erotic experience in my life… and I said we could never top it, but I’ve been doing more research… and I think it just might be possible… if you don’t mind taking a few risks.

DAN: (shakes head)

SHEILA: Good, I’ll pick you up after court.

BUM: Hey, you ok?

DAN: I think I’m starting to hyperventilate.

BUM: Here, breathe into this… and don’t worry about the socks in there.


Scene 6: Renee looking at her motorcycle.

RENEE: Oh, great.

CHRISTINE: Problem?

RENEE: I asked for whitewalls.

CHRISTINE: Oh, I thought maybe you wanted one that folded out into a bed.

RENEE: Who in he hell are you? And where can I get that shade of dye?

CHRISTINE: Look, Bull is a friend of mine, and I happen to care about him very much.

RENEE: Oh, that’s very nice, but I didn’t see your name on him anywhere and I’m very thorough.

CHRISTINE: My name happens to be Christine Sullivan, legal aide.

RENEE: Renee Carroll, hospitality engineer.

CHRISTINE: Listen I know who you are and I know what you are, so don’t think you can go hustling one of my friends.

RENEE: Meow! I’m going to get a cup of coffee. Can I get you a saucer of milk?

CHRISTINE: Listen, I’m warning you, I will tell him everything if I have to.

RENEE: Go ahead, tell him what I am, tell him that I’m after his money. You say you’re a friend of his, then you know. It’ll kill him.


Scene 7: Court with Harold

CHRISTINE: He gave the slut a motorcycle!

HAROLD: What slut and how many CC’s?

CHRISTINE: She admitted it, your honor. She as much as dared me to tell Bull that she was a prostitute and she was after his money.

HAROLD: And?

CHRISTINE: Well, I looked him right in the eye and chickened out.

BULL: Oh, hi, sir. Christine, I was just wondering if we had enough time left for me to run down to the tire store?

HAROLD: Bull, would you mind if we had a little chat first?

BULL: No, sir, I could listen to your feckless meandering all night. (sits)

HAROLD: Bull, it’s about Renee.

BULL: Yeah?

HAROLD: Read this.

BULL: Why don’t you just tell me?

HAROLD: Bull, Renee is a… she’s an…

DAN: For God sakes! Bull, the woman is a hooker!

BULL: (attacks him)


Scene 8: In the hall

MAC: We’re going to need a gross of pencils, 3 dozen typewriter ribbons…

[Dan screams]

[crash]

MAC: 6 pints of whole blood…


Scene 9: In the hall, smoke is coming out under the courtroom door

[banging]

MAC: (brings in cups of water) Here’s your coffee sir. Bull’s still at it, huh?

HAROLD: That was a major appliance, wasn’t it?

FLORENCE: A .44 caliber—it won’t stop him, but it should slow him down.

MAC: Oh, I just got off the phone with the hospital. They released Dan 20 min. ago.

FLORENCE: The big guy really nailed him, huh?

MAC: Bull didn’t really hit him. Dan flinched, fell backwards, bounced off the wall, tripped over a rug, and dented Harry’s refrigerator with his back.

[crash]

(Dan rolls thru, bandaged, in a wheelchair)

FLORENCE: So, that’s why they call him Dr. Strangelove.

CHRISTINE: Dan, are you all right?

DAN: I’m fine, I’ve got my friends, I’ve got my career, and an unlimited mileage rate.

[banging, door opens, Bull comes out]

BULL: All the fires are out.

HAROLD: Say, that is good news.

BULL: I figure, $5000 should cover it. (gives money)

MAC: (looks in) Oh, my dear God.

HAROLD: Is it that bad?

MAC: Did you see the Day After?

HAROLD: (looks in)


Scene 9: Bull is sitting on a table, Florence enters

FLORENCE: She really ripped your heart out, huh?

BULL: (nods)

FLORENCE: You want to talk about it?

BULL: (shakes head)

FLORENCE: You will eventually, and I’ll be there for you. (meets Renee) Fort Benning, Georgia, the 82nd Airborne Division said to say hello.

RENEE: Hey, baby, I missed you. (kisses him)

BULL: As much as all the other guys?

RENEE: Come on, you don’t think there’s another guy.

BULL: Does the name John ring a bell? You sleep with men for money.

RENEE: So, you figured it out. What are you going to do? You going to sic your judge friend on me?

BULL: Renee--

RENEE: What is he going to charge me with? Felony present-accepting? Well, I’m not going to give them back ‘cause I already hocked them.

BULL: That’s your business.

RENEE: That’s right, that is my business. My business is conning jerks like you.

BULL: Good bye, Renee.

RENEE: Wait a minute! I took you to the cleaners! You’ve been had, big boy. Don’t you get it?

BULL: Yeah, I do get it.

RENEE: Good, then go ahead and hit me. (offers her chin) Come on, I can take it. Go ahead! I been hit before.

BULL: I feel sorry for you.

RENEE: I said hit me, Bozo.

BULL: I see people like you every day. They take and take because they never fill up inside.

RENEE: Why don’t you get angry with me?!

BULL: Oh, I’m angry all right.

RENEE: See?

BULL: I’m angry at all those people that hurt you because they hurt you real bad, and it makes me sad to think about the other Renee—the one that never had a chance… the one I fell in love with. (waves) Bye.

RENEE: That’s it?

BULL: Oh, yeah, I almost forgot (scoops up a gift and gives it to her) Happy anniversary. Would have been 2 weeks tonight.

RENEE: (opens it, reveals a red gown)


Scene 10: Court, Mac brings in a paper bag

MAC: Sir.

HAROLD: What’s that?

MAC: Your couch.

HAROLD: I guess reupholstering is out of the question.

MAC: Uh-huh.

BULL: You want the next case, sir?

HAROLD: Bull, are you okay?

BULL: Sir, life may be filled with pitfalls and uncertainty… but from adversity comes strength.

HAROLD: Who said that?

BULL: It’s me, sir. Bull!

BUM: Holy cow!

RENEE: (enters in red gown)

BUM: That is a bold fashion statement!

RENEE: (walks to the court) Your honor, may I address the court?

Listen, I—I don’t—

RENEE: I… am a hooker.

BULL: Renee, don’t

RENEE: You see, I degrade myself for money because… I don’t like myself very much.

BULL: Please.

RENEE: No, that’s not entirely true. I don’t like myself at all. And this man… (points to Bull) made me feel like a princess. Do you know why? You know why? Well, I don’t know why either. Can somebody please tell me why? (cries and falls to the floor)

BULL: Ok, ok, it’s going to be ok.

HAROLD: Just call it a night.

MAC: Right.

FLORENCE: I’ll get her some water.

HAROLD: Thanks Flo. (runs to them) Everything under control, Bull? Right, I’ve been meaning to go in for that brain scan. All right folks, show’s over.

CHRISTINE: Why did she have to do this? Now I feel sorry for her.

HAROLD: Let’s take her in my office. Maybe I’ll get one for Christmas.

BULL: Ok, now… take a deep breath.

RENEE: (inhales)

BULL: Feel any better?

RENEE: I feel dizzy and nauseous.

Reality does that to you sometimes.

RENEE: I don’t even know why I came here, but I knew I just had to.

BULL: I think it had something to do with self-respect. You had an attack of dignity. Hopefully, it’s chronic.

HAROLD: Should we call a doctor?

RENEE: Good idea.

BULL: You’re hurt?

RENEE: No, I would like somebody to take an x-ray of you to tell me what you are because no man can be that compassionate.

HAROLD: You’re wrong there, Renee. He’s a man all right. Admittedly, there aren’t many around who are as special as he is, but there are a few, and if we’re lucky, if we’re very, very lucky, one crosses our path in a lifetime.

BULL: Are we talking about the film Gandhi?

HAROLD: Some of them are cute, too.

BULL: Come on now, upsy daisy.

RENEE: I feel so embarrassed.

BULL: Oh, forget it. You know something? It’s not what other people think that counts. It’s how we feel about ourselves.

RENEE: You make me feel beautiful.

BULL: Yeah, well, red’s your color. It’s not the dress, I know, but if I hear one more compliment, I think I’m going to throw up. Hey, that reminds me, I’m hungry. How about you?

RENEE: Yeah, I could use a bite.

BULL: Great, I know this quaint little all –you-can-eat liver joint down the block.

RENEE: If you’ll be there, then it’s going to be wonderful.

BULL: (offers his arm and they walk off, smiling, together)

CHRISTINE: He is one special man.

HAROLD: Yeah, he is. Come on, I know a quaint little all you can eat kelp bar next to the liver joint. (he offers his arm and they walk off, smiling together)

SHEILA: (enters) Dan. It’s time.

DAN: Huh, Sheila, about the wheelchair…

SHEILA: Shh, you’re talking again, Dan. By the way, 3 of my friends from Sweden will be joining us. I’m afraid they’re not very bright. I hope you don’t mind. (Dan shakes his head) Good. The hotel address is on the key. We’ll be waiting for you in the marquis de Sade suite. Bite. Don’t be late… or we’ll have to start without you.

DAN: (to Christine and Harold) Light a candle for me. (rolls off) Uh, could you give me a hand please?

(They clap) Bravo! Encore!

No really, come on, I’m serious.

HAROLD: Come on, gang, kelp’s on me.

DAN: Wait, no, no, wait!

FLORENCE: We would, we want to, we did.

DAN: Flo, Flo. Phil! Phil! Come here, come here! Hurry up! Look, they are waiting, you have to help me out.

BUM: Sure, pal. (takes the key and leaves) I’ll do my best!

DAN: Phil!

MAMA'S FAMILY "The Return of Leonard Oates"

The Return of Leonard Oates (1983) Naomi’s second husband pursues her.

Scene 1 At the supermarket where Naomi works. Mama is putting her groceries on the stand

NAOMI: Hey, kids.

BUDD: How’s it goin?

SONIA: Hi.

NAOMI: Wait a minute now, I’ve told you this check stand is 10 items or less.

THELMA: Oh, well, I know that, I know, I know, I’ve got bread, milk, fruit, meat and vegetables, that’s 5 items.

NAOMI: I know, but you got six kinds of vegetables and each one counts as an item.

THELMA: Well, I’ve also got a loaf of bread, you gonna count every slice?

NAOMI: The point is, this is the express lane. (hands her back the bread)

THELMA: Well, quit expressin’ yourself and start checkin’.

NAOMI: Vint.

VINTON: Yo!

NAOMI: Honey, come on over here, pack up these groceries for me. The sooner you get them packed up, the sooner you can get the bag home.

(Gives her a look)

SONIA: Grandma, can we get this? (brings a magazine) It has Rod Stewart on the cover.

THELMA: Well, this rag isn’t fit to wrap fish in. Wait a minute. Lookie here at Liz Taylor it says she may tie the knot again. Nice to see somebody’s been married more times than Naomi.

NAOMI: For the record, Vinton Harper is only my 3rd husband. The first one didn’t count ‘cause Tommy Ray and I were kids and didn’t know what we was doin’… at least Tommy Ray didn’t. Now, I admit that I made a big mistake with my second husband, Leonard Oates. Oh, that silver-tongued devil – he got me into so much trouble –

THELMA: Naomi, I just came in her for groceries, not to hear the untold story of your pitiful life.

NAOMI: Are you gonna buy that thing?

THELMA: I don’t read this trash.

NAOMI: Well, then, put it down. The total here is $36.44.

THELMA: 40 bucks for 10 items or less? That is highway robbery. Vinton, pay here before the prices go up.

VINTON: Oh, gee, I’m sorry, mama. I had a lot of big expenses this month.

THELMA: Too bad none of them was rent. Just give me a pen. I’ll write you out a check.

NAOMI: Ms. Harper, this is the express lane. I am forbidden to take a check. It’s cash only.

THELMA: I have been tradin’ with this market since you were knee high to that cash register. Are you gonna tell me my check’s no good?

NAOMI: Oh, just forget it! I will pay for it myself. (takes her bag and gets cash)

THELMA: Well, if that’s the way you want to handle it, that’s real nice of you, sweetheart. Kids, you want to help your daddy with these groceries?

VINTON: So long, Skeeter. (they kiss)

NAOMI: Bye, darling.

THELMA: Supper’s gonna be early, so you can give me my permanent.

NAOMI: Oh, all right, all right! It’s gonna be the highlight of my week.

(A man carrying a bouquet of roses in a red suit walks up and slips a yellow box on her stand)

NAOMI: Oh! This is the deluxe sampler, $12.95 Oh, mister! You must have one hot date.

MR. OATES: Well, no, actually, I was just hopin’ this might help me make up with my wife. (lowers flowers from face)

NAOMI: Leonard Oates.

MR. OATES: Boy when you let that hair grow, that hair can do a bit of growin’.

NAOMI: In three years, Leonard. Where’d you get that outfit, you rob a bank or somethin’?

MR. OATES: No, I didn’t rob a bank, but I could own me a couple of banks if I wanted to, Naomi. I’m only worth $2.5 million.

NAOMI: Where’d you get that kind of cash?

Worms.

NAOMI: Worms?

MR. OATES: Worms—earthworms, mealworms, night crawlers, started me a mail-order bait business. Next thing you know, Naomi, I’m sendin’ worms all over the United States. You know what they call me down in Tallahassee now?

NAOMI: What?

MR. OATES: “The Worm King.”

NAOMI: Well, I guess it takes on to breed one, Leonard. What brings you back to Raytown, gonna start a franchise here?

MR. OATES: Naomi, I have come back. And I want to give you the life that I promised you a long time ago. I want to take you back to Florida with me.

NAOMI: Well, I’m afraid you’re a little late, Leonard. I’ve married again.

MR. OATES: Oh, married, well…

NAOMI: That’s right.

MR. OATES: Don’t look like he’s doin’ too well by you, does it?

NAOMI: Why, because I’m workin’, you mean? Oh, I don’t have to do this. My husband is a very wealthy man. I just do this as a kind of public service to fill my idle time.

MR. OATES: Oh, you know, when you and I were together, we didn’t have a lot of idle time, did we? (kisses her on the neck)

NAOMI: Goodbye, Leonard. I hope you have a nice trip back to Florida.

MR. OATES: Naomi, I’m not goin’ back to Florida… not till I get what I came after. I mean, let’s face it. You can’t say no to me, you never could. (kisses her cheek)

Scene 2 kitchen, Naomi and Thelma enter

THELMA: Naomi, do somethin’. This solution’s likely to have eaten through to my scalp.

NAOMI: All right, I’m gonna rinse it off, just as soon as my angel boy turns the water back on.

VINTON: Ow!

THELMA: I should’ve known better than to trust my head to a beauty-school dropout.

NAOMI: For your information, I was head of my class in permanent wave.

FRAN: Thelma, why don’t we just go to Miss Boyland and rinse out your hair?

THELMA: Are you nuts? That woman thinks I got naturally curly hair.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

(Sonia walks in singing)

NAOMI: Oh, I’ll get it.

THELMA: (Fran and rest of the family go to bar) Now be careful Naomi, it could be a wild man with a gun to kill us all.

NAOMI: All right. (opens door and sees it’s Leonard, slams it)

THELMA: Well, who was it?

NAOMI: Behind this door is my second husband, Leonard Oates, who came through my check stand today, and he has become rich. Rather than let him rub my nose in that fact, I told him we were too, so get on out here and act prosperous! (opens door)

NAOMI: Leonard, what an unexpected surprise.

LEONARD: I’m sorry to barge in on you like this, Naomi, but I’m leavin’ town tomorrow, and I just wanted to stop by and say a—a proper goodbye.

(Whole family’s out watching)

NAOMI: How did you know where we lived?

LEONARD: Well, you know, a town this size, money talks, Naomi. (puts gift on table)

NAOMI: I’m sorry I cant ask you to stay, Leonard, but we was just on our way to the opera.

(looks at family, who is still watching)

LEONARD: I see.

NAOMI: May I present my lovin’ husband, Vinton Harper? Honey, put the wrench down! These are my stepchildren, Buzz and Sonia. This is our Aunt Fran and this is Vinton’s mama, Mrs. Harper.

LEONARD: Uh… I’m Leonard. (holds out hand)

VINTON: (shakes it) Vint.

LEONARD: Quite a family you’ve acquired here, Naomi.

THELMA: Well, enough of this chitchat, just what is it you’re sellin’?

LEONARD: Uh, I beg your pardon?

THELMA: I have watched the Days of our Lives long enough to know that ex-husbands don’t show up at the door unless they’re after somethin’. Now, I don’t know what lies Naomi’s been feedin’ you, but if it’s money you’re after, you hit a dry well.

LEONARD: Well, Ms. Harper, I’m here for one reason, ma’am. And that’s to see if Naomi is really happy.

THELMA: If you were so all-fired worried about her happiness, why’d you skip out on her? You got any idea what it’s like to live with a broken heart?

VINTON: Naomi’s with me now. She doesn’t have a broken heart.

THELMA: No, but I do!

NAOMI: Leonard, as you can see, I’m very happy. So, if you’ll excuse us, we’d like to ge—(pulls him to door)

LEONARD: Uh, Naomi, If you don’t mind, I bought a gift that I would like to leave with the family. Young fellow, would you come down here and help me with this?

VINTON: Sure. Oh, go ahead Buzz, go on.

BUZZ: Hey everybody, it’s a video game with a whole slew of cartridges! They even got Asteroid’s Revenge!

VINTON: Asteroid’s Revenge? That’s my favorite!

BUZZ: Oh, wow! Check it out, dad.

NAOMI: Thank you, Leonard, but we can’t accept this, can we, Vinton? I say, we can’t keep this.

VINTON: Ohh.

SONIA: Ohhh.

VINTON: Oh, no, i guess it wouldn’t be right.

LEONARD: Vint, ol’ boy, if you will allow me a few moments alone with your lovely wife, I bet I can make her change her mind.

SONIA: Last one in the kitchen is a rotten egg!

VINTON: Come on every body! Nobody wants to be a rotten egg.

LEONARD: That’s right. (winks and adjusts his collar)

FRAN: Oh, uh, well, come on. (pulls) Thelma, let’s just go in there and finish up those dishes. Thelma!

THELMA: Where did you get that jacket, was sittin’ bull havin’ a garage sale? (walks off to)

LEONARD: Naomi… why are you fightin’ me? You know you and I were meant for each other, honey. (blows into her ear) And you know I’m gonna give you the kind of happiness you’re never gonna find with that bozo.

NAOMI: Take your hands off me, Leonard, or I’m gonna scream.

LEONARD: (turns her around and kisses her) Scream. (let’s go)

NAOMI: Don’t do this to me, Leonard.

LEONARD: My plane leaves at 1pm tomorrow. (brushes her hair) Why don’t you meet me at the Jigger, say 12 noon? (goes to door)

NAOMI: I won’t be there.

LEONARD: 12 noon. (exits)

THELMA: Naomi, my head is on fire, are you gonna come in here and take this perm down or I just let it eat through to my brain?

NAOMI: (Naomi, arms crossed, pouts)


Scene 3 kitchen, Fran enters

FRAN: Well, good morning, Naomi. Hmm, my, you look pensive. (takes a cup)

NAOMI: No, just thinkin’. Oh, Frannie, I’m a nervous wreck this mornin’.

FRAN: You know, it’s probably all that coffee you drink all that caffeine is just a nervous shock to your system. That’s why I myself never touch it.

NAOMI: No, this is more than just a caffeine buzz. Fran, I have a terrible problem, and I need to talk to somebody about it.

FRAN: Oh.

NAOMI: Frannie, can you keep a secret?

FRAN: No! I never could. I tell everything I know. Telephone, telegraph, tell Fran. So if there’s something you don’t want repeated, you better do us both a big favor, Naomi, and don’t tell me. Just keep it to yourself.

NAOMI: Okay.

FRAN: Oh, heck. I guess I could make an exception just this once. (sits down with glass and soda can)

NAOMI: Oh, Fran, have you ever met a man who swept you off your feet and made you go so weak in the knees that you could no longer tell right from wrong?

FRAN: I need some coffee. (gets up)

NAOMI: I’m talking about the kind of man who no matter how hard you try, you cannot say no to?

FRAN: Naomi, could you possibly be referring to your Mr. Oates? (sits back down with coffee)

NAOMI: Leonard Oates came all the way from Tallahassee, Florida, to take me back with him, Fran. He’s waitin’ for me at the Jigger right this minute.

FRAN: But, Naomi, what could Leonard possibly offer you other than indulgences of the flesh?

NAOMI: $2.5 million.

FRAN: I see your dilemma.

NAOMI: It’s not that I don’t love Vinton, it’s just that whenever Leonard’s around me, Vinton kind of slips my mind.

FRAN: Well, Naomi, as I see it, it all boils down to this—no matter what decision you make, you have got to live with yourself.

THELMA: Naomi, I would like to have a word with you!

NAOMI: I’m afraid, I may have left the solution on a little long.

THELMA: A little long?! You’ve turned me into a human Q-tip!

NAOMI: Well, that’s all right, Ms. Harper. Just run on up and get the pink rollers. That’s take the kinks right out.

THELMA: You better get a move on. I’m supposed to be at that luncheon in an hour and a half!

NAOMI: Okay, get your rollers.

FRAN: Thelma! It doesn’t look that different. I don’t think anybody will even notice.

VINTON: Good mornin’ everybody!

THELMA: Notice anything different?

VINTON: If your’re talkin’ about your hair, no.

THELMA: Well, its’ a shame the Marx Brothers ain’t around anymore. Shoot, I could be mom-o. (leaves)

VINTON: Well, if you ladies will excuse me, I’m on my way to Asteroids Revenge.

NAOMI: No, you’re not, Vinton.

VINTON: Why?

NAOMI: It has to go back.

VINTON: How come?!

NAOMI: Because it’s not right for us to keep it.

VINTON: It’s just a toy! It’s not gonna hurt anybody!

NAOMI: Vinton, don’t you know there’s no such thing as a free lunch? Honey, are you so blind that you cannot see what that man is tryin’ to do?

FRAN: I need some more coffee.

VINTON: Sure, sure, I know what he’s up to. He’s tryin’ to make up for the bad way he treated you when you were married. He realizes what a good thing he lost… and what a good thing I got.

NAOMI: But, honey, Leonard’s comin’ back here has put a very big question in my mind, and I don’t know what the answer is.

VINTON: Well, I do. It’s simple.

NAOMI: It is?

VINTON: Sure! I say… there is no harm in keepin’ the game. There! Question answered. (gives her a peck) Anybody for Asteroids Revenge? (exits)

NAOMI: Frannie?

FRAN: What? Oh.

NAOMI: I’m goin’ to the Jigger. (rushes out)

FRAN: I don’t want to know that!

THELMA: All right, Naomi, let’s shake a leg, Naomi! Well, where in the world did that girl go?

FRAN: What girl?

THELMA: Frannie, are you keepin’ somethin’ from me?

FRAN: Why, no, I-I…

THELMA: You are! You know you can’t keep a secret. Telephone, telegraph, tell Fran.

FRAN: That’s not true.

THELMA: Frances Crowley, you look me in the eye.

FRAN: Don’t be ridiculous.

THELMA: In the eye, Frannie!

FRAN: She’s at the Bigger Jigger. Oh (snaps fingers)

THELMA: The Bigger Jigger, she went off on a toot and left me lookin’ like a frizzpot? Lord! Vinton, you’re takin’ me over to the Jigger to get my hair set!

FRAN: (gasps) Oh! (gets keys, and rushes out)






Scene 4 At the Bigger Jigger, country music plays. Leonard is at a table, waiting.

NAOMI: Leonard.

LEONARD: Ah, see, I knew you’d come. Bartender! Bartender, beer for my wife right over here, please.

FRAN: Ohh, Naomi, I cannot be blamed for my actions. I begged you not to tell me, oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive.

NAOMI: Spit it out, Fran.

FRAN: It’s hit the fan, Naomi, Thelma and Vint are on their way over here.

THELMA: Thelma and Vint are here, what are you doin’ here?

FRAN: Where? Oh, here? Oh, I thought it would—might be a good place to—uh, excuse me—to meet—I mean—I thought maybe it might be a good place—oh, excuse me—to make new acquaintances. (walks to the bar) Hello there. How are you?

VINTON: Well, what have we got here, a little goin’ away party? I’ll get the beer and nuts.

THELMA: I would like to know why you left me holdin’ a sack of pink rollers to come here and play footsie with your ex-husband.

NAOMI: I’m gonna give you the straight goods. Now, just sit down here and stop makin’ such a scene! Now, Ms. Harper, I know what you have always thought of me. I know that you have thought I was no better than trash ever since I married your son.

THELMA: That’s not true, I thought that long before you married him.

NAOMI: Well, be that as it may, what I’m tryin’ to tell you now is that I…

THELMA: Naomi, you could be rollin’ my hair while you’re spillin’ your guts.

NAOMI: Oh, all right. What I was tryin’—

THELMA: Are you gonna set my hair with beer?

NAOMI: I am gonna set this hair on fire if you don’t quit interrupting me. Now, as I was sayin’ I know that you all are probably very upset because you think that I have come down here today to run off with Leonard Oates.

(Vint returns with beer) Oh, now, Skeeter, nobody thinks that.

LEONARD: I do.

NAOMI: That’s because I could never refuse you nothin’, Leonard, anytime, any place, anywhere, any shape, any form—

THELMA: Well, good lord, do I have to sit here and listen to this smut?

NAOMI: That is, until today. I’m not goin’ anywhere with you, Leonard.

LEONARD: Uh, Naomi, listen—listen to me. I am offering you a life of luxury, honey. “The Worm Queen of Tallahassee”—How are you gonna turn that down?

VINTON: I’d kind of like to hear the answer to that myself.

NAOMI: It was because of you, honey.

VINTON: Me?

NAOMI: Yeah, most guys would have been real upset if their wives’ ex-husbands had come back rich and started offerin’ her the moon. Most guys would have thought that they was up to no good.

VINTON: Yeah.

NAOMI: But you trusted me… (walks to him) And that’s somethin’ that nobody else has ever done before. (sits on his lap) And then I realized that it would never even occur to you to leave me. And if that’s not love, Vinton, I don’t know what is. (kisses him)

FRAN: Isn’t that beautiful? (drinking cocktail) I was at their wedding.

THELMA: Naomi, would you get your fingers out of his hair and back into mine?

LEONARD: Naomi… may I wish you a lot of luck, honey? ‘Cause if you crazy enough to hang out with these yo-yo’s, you’re gonna need it.

THELMA: Now, you hold on just a minute. (grabs him by the collar) You… worm wrangler. Naomi may have a checkered past, she may have had more that her share of boyfriends, lord, we know she was as bimbo… but she happens to be somethin’ that she’s never been before and that is a Harper. And there ain’t nobody gonna insult a Harper, not as long as I’m alive.

LEONARD: (clears throat) Thank you, Ms. Harper. Looks like the best man won.

VINTON: Thank you.

LEONARD: No, not you—her. Naomi, I want to tell you somethin’. Honey, he’s goofy… she’s crazy, I’m gone. (winks and leaves)

NAOMI: Thank you, Ms.—mama. (hugs her)

THELMA: Oh, well, good lord.

VINTON: Well, come on, Skeeter, let’s go home. Looks like we’re all still one big happy family. Come on, come on, come on.

FRAN: It was delightful to have made your acquaintance, Bruno.




Scene 5 (living room)

VINTON: Wow! You sure blasted the daylights out of that meteor.

NAOMI: That was easy, honey. I just made believe he was Leonard Oates.

THELMA: Our little, green spaceships were there first.

FRAN: Oh, face it Thelma. You and I just weren’t cut out for intergalactic combat.

THELMA: Well, I think the force is with me, Frannie. Hang on to your asteroids!

-END-

MAMA'S FAMILY Mama Gets a Job (1983)

Mama Gets a Job (1983) Mama goes to work for a travel agency.



Scene 1 Harper’s living room, Naomi’s painting her nails and Vint is reading something.

THELMA: Do you have to do that here?

NAOMI: Well, I’m just paintin’ my toenails.

THELMA: Some things should be done in the privacy of your own bedroom.

NAOMI: Some things are done in the privacy of our bedroom.

THELMA: Oh, I know, I know, I know (knitting) all the time.

VINTON: It’s part of the marriage contract.

THELMA: Well, I got a contract with the Exterminator, too, but he don’t come over here and spray for ants every blessed night of the week.

NAOMI: Ms. Harper, what has gotten into you tonight?

THELMA: Nothin’. I’m just a old lady who haven’t done nothing with my life.

NAOMI: Nonsense, you’ve got half your life ahead of you yet.

THELMA: Half my life –ha! How many people you know live to be 130?

NAOMI: Well, age doesn’t matter. It’s what’s inside that counts.

THELMA: Naomi, my insides are as old as my outsides.

VINTON: Well, mama, you been old for years. Why is it just botherin’ you know?

THELMA: Oh, put a cork in it, Vinton. I ran into crazy old Aunt Effie today, well, she starts bendin’ my ear about how she’s just gone out and gotten herself a job.

VINTON: Aunt Effie? Why she’s three days older than God.

NAOMI: Yeah, what kind of job could she possibly get?

THELMA: A good one accordin’ to her she’s workin’ as a filin’ clerk down at the courthouse, can you beat that? And you know what the old bat had the nerve to say to me after she finished braggin’ about her highfalutin job?

NAOMI: What?

THELMA: Get this—Thelma, how’s the family? ANow, what do you figure she meant by that?

Mam, don’t be silly.

THELMA: It isn’t silly! You’ve all got jobs to keep you interested. You’re doin’ somethin’ useful with your life. But what purpose do I serve? There’s gotta be somethin’ more than sittin’ here watchin’ the Days of our Lives. (gets up, goes to kitchen) and foldin’ your Fruit of the Looms.

NAOMI: I’ll take care of this, honey. (Naomi follows her)

(sits on the kitchen table)

NAOMI: Ms. Harper?

THELMA: What?

NAOMI: I know just how you feel but we gotta find somethin’ that’s gonna keep you interested. So how ‘bout a nice hobby?

THELMA: Oh, it’s come to that, has it? Sit mama a corner somewhere and let her make fancy doo daahs out of beer-can tops – no thank you.

NAOMI: Well, then, maybe you oughta go out and find yourself a job.

THELMA: A job? Well, lordy, what could I do?

NAOMI: There’s a placement agency down at the mall, they could find a job for you.

THELMA: For somebody my age?

NAOMI: Sure, they’re always looking for women who aren’t gonna run off and get married or turn around and get pregnant.

THELMA: Well, I certainly fit that description.

NAOMI: So, why don’t you get your rear in gear and go down, apply for a job?

THELMA: Oh, Naomi. You really think I could get my rear in gear and get me a job?

NAOMI: I sure do, Aunt Effie did.

THELMA: Well, that’s right, she did. If Effie can do it, so can I. Hell, she’s been runnin’ on empty for years.


Scene 2 Employment Agency, filling out application

THELMA: If 6 men can dig a ditch 3 yards wide, 4 feet deep, and 25 feet long (read aloud) in 8 hours, 8 men can dig the same ditch in 5 hours, how long would it take 2 men to… (peeks at the answers of the guy next to her, he moves away) I don’t know why these suckers don’t just drop their shovels and go have themselves a beer. (tears application) Well, what are you starin’ at? Ain’t you ever seen an old woman freak out on a test before?

EMPLOYMENT AGENT: Mrs. Harper, I’m ready to interview you now.

THELMA: Well, I ruined my test, I didn’t finish it.

EMPLOYMENT AGENT: Well, that’s all right, we’ll worry about that later, come along right this way.


Scene 3 Office

EMPLOYMENT AGENT: Now, if you’ll just sit right here.

(clears throat)

THELMA: I’m sorry I broke your pencil (shows it)

EMPLOYMENT AGENT: Well, that’s quite all right.

THELMA: I get real nervous when I take tests.

EMPLOYMENT AGENT: Well, that’s understandable, so do I.

THELMA: I’m sweatin’ bullets right now.

EMPLOYMENT AGENT: I just have a few questions I must ask you.

THELMA: Well, all right, as long as I don’t have to dig that ditch again.

EMPLOYMENT AGENT: Now, first, I must have your age, Miss Harper.

THELMA: 53.

EMPLOYMENT AGENT: (laughs) Uh, are you married?

THELMA: No, I’m widowed.

EMPLOYMENT AGENT: I’m sorry.

THELMA: So is he.

EMPLOYMENT AGENT: Did you graduate from college?

THELMA: No.

EMPLOYMENT AGENT: High school?

THELMA: No.

EMPLOYMENT AGENT: But you did complete grade school?

THELMA: Well, boy, this is sure pick on Thelma Harper day.

EMPLOYMENT AGENT: Not really, it’s just that I am trying to find something that is suited to you. Have you any experience?

THELMA: (wipes hand on table) Well, no, I haven’t worked in 40 years.

EMPLOYMENT AGENT: Well, Mrs. Harper, it’s going to be difficult finding a position for you.

THELMA: Well, why is that?

EMPLOYMENT AGENT: You have very little education, you’ve never done anything and have no special skills.

THELMA: Well, that never stopped them people down at the post office.

EMPLOYMENT AGENT: Ah, here’s something, Raytown Travel Agency. Do you know how to answer the phone?

THELMA: No, usually when it rings at my house, I run around in a little circle and yell, What’ll I do? What’ll I do? (throws hand up)

EMPLOYMENT AGENT: (fixes hair) I mean in a business office.

THELMA: I imagine they all work pretty much the same—you talk into the end that has the big holes, and the voice comes out the end with the small holes.

EMPLOYMENT AGENT: Well, I think this will be ideal for you. The Raytown Travel Agency is looking for a mature woman to answer phones and to direct people who come into the office.

THELMA: Well, I guess I can handle that.

EMPLOYMENT AGENT: Well, if you want the job, it’s yours. You start tomorrow.

THELMA: Tomorrow’s Saturday, don’t I even get a day off?

EMPLOYMENT AGENT: Usually, it’s their busiest day. Now, this is all the information you’ll need. (they get up to the door) I’ll call them and tell them to expect you.



Scene 4 Kitchen, Thelma’s dong the dishes when Vint enters

VINTON: Mama, can I talk to you?

THELMA: Well, yeah, just grab this dish towel and talk to me while you help with the dishes.

VINTON: I can’t think and dry dishes at the same time.

THELMA: Well, how do you know Vinton, you’ve never really tried either.

VINTON: Mama, tomorrow you are goin’ out there into the workin’ world. It’s a jungle out there. You’re gonna meet some mean people. (sits down with soda)

THELMA: Vinton, I’m goin’ to work for the Raytown Travel Agency, not the Roller Derby.

NAOMI: Well, for heaven’s sake, Ms. Harper. You shouldn’t be doin’ the dishes on the night before your very first day on the job. You get up first thing in the mornin’ and do ‘em then.

VINTON: She won’t have time to do ‘em—she’s got to iron my shirt.

THELMA: I ain’t ironin’ your shirt and I ain’t doin’ anymore dishes if I’m gonna be a workin’ girl, then we’re all gonna have to pitch in here, and there’s no better time to start than right now. (throws a towel at Vint)

VINTON: What? I can’t wash dishes? These are the hands of a locksmith.

THELMA: Well, this is the mouth of a mother, and this mother is sayin’ get up here. (slips apron on him) Apron goes just like that. Come on over here to the sink, say hello to Mr. Sponge, say hello to Mr. Hot Water, and say goodbye to me. Here you go. (throws towel to Naomi)


Scene 5

HERBERT: Right this way, Mrs. Harper.

THELMA: Oh, my, look at this, isn’t this nice?

HERBERT: Mrs. Harper, you are going to be very important to this office because you’re going to be the first person that the new customer sees.

THELMA: All right.

HERBERT: And we want you to greet them with a great big, cheery smile. Now, let’s see that smile.

THELMA: (smiles)

HERBERT: Thatagirl. You know how happy people are when they travel, Mrs. Harper? We want that happiness to begin right here in this office with that beautiful smile.

THELMA: Well, you sweet thing. (pats his arm)

HERBERT: Now, here’s your desk, sit there. There’s your phone. You put the customers here and then you offer them a cup of coffee.

THELMA: All right, fine, how much do I charge ‘em?

HERBERT: Oh, no, it’s free, compliments of Raytown Travel Agency.

THELMA: Well, it’s your money.

HERBERT: Now, in the top drawer, you’ll find some forms.

THELMA: Oh, yes.

HERBERT: That’s it, that’s it. Now, you simply fill that in, direct the customer to one of our agents. Any questions?

THELMA: When’s payday?

HERBERT: Every other Friday. Now, you’ll also be answering our phones and this is the way to do that. It’s a great day here at Raytown travel Agency! May I help you?! Would you try that? (gives her receiver)

THELMA: You want me to try that right now? I-It’s a great day here at Raytown travel Agency! May I help you?!

HERBERT: No, no. It’s a great day!

THELMA: It’s a great day here at Raytown travel Agency. May I help you?

HERBERT: No, no, no, May I help you?!

THELMA: May I help you?!

HERBERT: Thatagirl! If you have any problems, pop into my office any time.

THELMA: Thank you very much.

HERBERT: Let me see that smile.

THELMA: Oh, Mr. Vogelman. (shoos him off)

HERBERT: Ha ha ha, you can call me Herbert.

THELMA: Oh, Herbert. (he leaves, she practices) It’s a great… it’s a great… day here at Raytown travel Agency. May I help-- you? (takes out a pic of family, sets it down) Buzz and Sonia there. (takes out a plant) It’s a great day here… at Raytown travel Agency. May I help you? (takes out a cup) It’s a great day here at Raytown travel Agency. (raises arms with voice) May I help you? (clasps hands together, waiting) It’s a great day here -- at Raytown travel Agency. (looks around desk) May I help you? It’s a great day here. It’s a great day. (switches cup with plant) It’s a great day here at Raytown travel –

[ring]

THELMA: Uh, oh.

[ring]

It’s a great day here at Ray—[ring] It’s a great day here at Raytown travel Agency. [ring] It’s a great day here at Raytown travel Agency! May I help you? [ring] Well, what the – hello!

HERBERT: No, no, no! You have to press down the button that’s flashing.

Oh, well, it’s a great day here at the Raytown travel Agency. May I help you?

[dial tone]

Hello? Hello. Well, I guess… (puts receiver down) If it’s important, they’ll call back. I feel like such a fool, Herbert.

HERBERT: Well, it’s an honest mistake, Mrs. Harper.

THELMA: Thelma.

Now, look, it’s simple. Press down the button that’s flashing, take the message, and press the hold—that’s the red button—and press the com—the intercom—and then take the names off the list on the side of the phone. Got that?

THELMA: Not really. (he leaves) All right now, press the one that’s flashing, then, I press the hold button, that’s the red one, and then I—

(customers enter)

Well, now, I forgot to take the message here. You press the one that’s flashing then you take your message. Then you press your hold button, and then you—(sees customers) Well, just don’t stand there, come in. ( gets up) come on in, come on in, you’re standin’ there like a couple of dodos. Come on, come on. Come over here and sit down. There you go. Go on, go on, sit down there. Go on, go on, put it right down there. There you go, now you want some coffee?

MR. BRENNAN: That would be very nice.

THELMA: I’m gonna get it for you right here. Cream and sugar?

MR. BRENNAN: Yea, please, three lumps for each of us.

THELMA: Well, now, I’m only gonna put two lumps, you keep puttin’ three lumps, you’re gonna wind up with diabetes or boils on your neck.

BRENNAN’s: (look at each other)

THELMA: Alright, here we are now. (brings cups) this here is free. It’s compliments of The Raytown Travel Agency.

[rings]

Oh, well, now, I have to get that. The one that’s flashing.


It’s a great day here at Raytown travel Agency! May I help you? Oh, hello Buzz. It’s my grandson, Buzz. What is it, Buzz? No, grandma doesn’t know where your sneakers are. Well, I would imagine they’re probably right were you took ‘em off, baby. All right, bye bye sweetheart. He can’t find his sneakers for basketball practice.

MR. BRENNAN: We would like to arrange a trip to Tahiti.

THELMA: Tahiti? Well, you wouldn’t know it to look at the two of you that you had a nickel to your name. Okay, now, let’s see. (fills out paper)

[ringing]

THELMA: It’s a great day here at Raytown travel Agency! May I –well, hello Vinton. It’s my son, Vinton, well what do you want Vinton? Well, no, I didn’t iron your shirt. Well, if you don’t got one to wear to work, you just don’t. Well, maybe that wife of yours could learn how to use the iron. Tell her that the flat side goes down. Bye. Honestly. Children—they’re nothin’ but heartaches.

MRS. BRENNAN: Our children are sending us to Tahiti.

MR. BRENNAN: Uh-huh.

THELMA: I couldn’t even get mine to drive me to work. All right now, let’s see here. What is your name?

MR. BRENNAN: Mr. and Mrs. Br—

[rings]

THELMA: Well, good lord. It’s a great day here at – Naomi, I’m at work. No, I don’t know where Buzz’s sneakers are. Well, I’m real glad you got a bridal shower to go to. That’s real nice. If you can’t iron Vinton a shirt, you can’t, that’s all. Just tell him to wear the same shirt he wore yesterday. He doesn’t work hard enough to sweat anyway, bye. All right, now, what’s your name?

MR. BRENNAN: Mr. and Mrs. Brennan.

THELMA: Breannan, that’s probably got two “n’s” there in the middle.

MR. BRENNAN: Uh-huh.

THELMA: All right, and what’s that address?

MR. BRENNAN: Uh, 1608 Bedford—

[rings]

THELMA: Well, hell! Who is it? Naomi, quit screamin’ at me and tell me why you can’t go to your party. You can’t put your makeup on? Well, why not? Where is it? Just hold your horses, Breannan, I got a family crisis here. Well, why in the world would Sonia lock herself in the bathroom? Will you listen to this? Naomi’s blamin’ sonia for losin’ Buzz’s sneakers. Now, nobody can get into the bathroom. Just have Vinton get her out. Hell, he’s a locksmith, isn’t he?

MR. BRENNAN: Miss, could we get on with this?

THELMA: Well, you’re sure in an all-fired hurry to see them naked women, ain’t you?

MRS. BRENNAN: We don’t have to sit here and take this. (gets up)

THELMA: No, but I see you’re sure gulpin’ down that free coffee in a hurry.

HERBERT: (enters) Is there a problem here?

BRENNANS: Yes, we came here to arrange a trip, and we get nothing but insults form this lady.

THELMA: Well, will you just keep your drawers on? I’ll get you to Tahiti if I have to tie an inner tube to two trees and shoot you there myself.

HERBERT: Mrs. Harper! I am very disturbed at this!

THELMA: Well, that makes two of us, Herbert.

HERBERT: May I remind you that your job is to make the customers feel welcome?

THELMA: Well, that doesn’t mean I gotta let them treat me like a doormat.

HERBERT: Yes, it does! That’s the name of the game.

MR. BRENNAN: Look, we don’t want to step on anybody. All we want is a trip to Tahiti.

THELMA: Oh, will you give it a rest? We all know about the free trip you mooched off your kids.

MRS. BRENNAN: We’ll just take our business elsewhere, thank you. (give Boss their cups)

MR. BRENNAN: I take three lumps, anyway.

HERBERT: I’m afraid your employment here is terminated. Why don’t you go back home to your loved ones?

THELMA: It if wasn’t for my damned loved ones, I’d still have a job. (puts her stuff into her purse)

[rings]

I don’t care if you can’t find your sneakers, I don’t care if you don’t got a shirt, I don’t care if you can’t get to your makeup! This is not my problem! It’s for you, Herbert.

HERBERT: It’s a great day here at Raytown travel Agency! May I help you?

THELMA: The hell it is.


Scene 6

VINTON: All I’m sayin’ is, the next time you yell at the kids, plan ahead and iron me a shirt before the fight starts.

NAOMI: Oh, iron your own shirt. I am not your slave, I am your wife.

VINTON: Ironin’ is woman’s work, Na—

NAOMI: Well, Mrs. Harper, what are you doin’ home so early?

VINTON: Well, mama, I didn’t expect you back so…

BUZZ: Hey, I found my sneakers! They were right where—

THELMA: Right where you left ‘em. Get to your basketball practice.

BUZZ: Yes, grandma.

THELMA: Naomi, get your stepdaughter out of the john.

NAOMI: Yes, Ms. Harper.

THELMA: Vinton, give me five minutes, I will have your shirt ironed.

VINTON: Yes, mama.

NAOMI: (knocking) Sonia, you come out of there right this minute.

SONIA: In your dreams.

THELMA: This is your grandma speaking! You get out of there before I count to 3 or I’m comin’ in after you. 1—

SONIA: (comes out and runs) Bye, everybody, I’m going to Becky’s house.

THELMA: Naomi, you may put on a new face now if you like, and don’t anybody speak to me for the rest of the day. (goes to ironing board)

VINTON: Mama? What happened?

THELMA: (ironing) I got fired.

VINTON: Aw, mama, I’m sorry. I told you it was a jungle out there.

THELMA: Vinton, have you ever seen any of them Walt Disney true-life adventures? You know, like, where a mama has a bunch of baby birds in her nest, you know?

VINTON: Oh, yeah, I love those.

THELMA: And the mama bird protects the babies and takes care of ‘em and feeds ‘em and does all that for ‘em until the time that she feels that maybe they’re able to be out on their own.

VINTON: Yeah.

THELMA: So then she just kind of gives ‘em a little nudge out of the nest and if they can fly, they fly away and they don’t ever come back. But if they can’t… splat!

VINTON: What are you trying to tell me?

THELMA: Vinton, don’t ever climb a tree with me.

VINTON: Well, it’s not my fault you got fired.

THELMA: It is your fault. And it’s Naomi’s and it’s Buzz’s and it’s Sonia’s—it’s all your faults.

VINTON: Well, you can still get another job.

THELMA: I’ll get another job when you birds learn how to fly!

MAMA'S FAMILY (partial) "Mama's Boyfriend" (1983) Mama takes a weekend trip with an old beau.

Season 1:9 Mama's Boyfriend (19-Mar-1983)



Scene 1 Thelma’s living room where she’s arranging the

THELMA: Down in the meadow in the itty-bitty pool (sings as she watches the door) Swan three little fish—(opens door) Frannie! Well, here, let me help you with that. (takes a bag of groceries) Swam three little fishies and a mama fishy, too swim, said the mama fishy, swim if you can (they walk to the kitchen) and they sawm and they swam all over the dam. Everybody! Boo, boo, dittum, dittum, why don’t you? (puts grocery bag down the table and puts on an apron)

FRANNIE: Somebody is certainly in a good mood.

THELMA: Well, what’s so unusual about that?

FRANNIE: Well, you are in an extraordinarily good mood. What’s going on here?

THELMA: Nothing’s goin’ on.

FRANNIE: What do you mean? You’re all gussied up, Thelma. My lord, you’re wearin’ lipstick and unless my poor, stuffed-up nose deceives me, is that no perfume you have on? What’s the big occasion here?

THELMA: No big occasion. I just happen to be goin’ out to dinner, that’s all. So, how was your day?

FRANNIE: My day was tragic, if you want to know. Mr. Yeagley called me from the First Methodist Church and said just because I have this little touch of laryngitis, he would propose I forgo choir practice this evening.

THELMA: Isn’t that a shame?

FRANNIE: Did you say you were goin’ out to dinner?

THELMA: Well, it’s not that unusual. I ran into an old friend today and we’re goin’ out to dinner. End of story. Don’t sit down, don’t sit down! I wanna show you somethin’.

FRANNIE: What?

THELMA: (opens refrigerator) this is your lasagna for dinner tonight. All you got to do is put it in the oven 350 degrees for 90 minutes.

FRANNIE: You are not suggesting that I prepare dinner after the exhausting and emotional day I have just had.

THELMA: Well, Vinton’s not as good with numbers as you are.

FRANNIE: I hardly think that a valid argument—

THELMA: Well, fine, they just don’t cook it! Eat a lasagna popsicle.

FRANNIE: Well, all right, I really don’t mind, I’ll do it. Actually, I’m glad to learn that you have a friend to go out to dinner with. What’s her name?

THELMA: (takes out dishes and utensils) His name is Woody Miller. (sings) Boo, boo, dittum dittum…

FRANNIE: A man?! Thelma… (runs to her) You are going to dinner with a man?

THELMA: No, Frannie, a basset hound.

FRANNIE: Oh, Thelma, it’s not that big, beady-eyed shoemaker— The one that’s always tryin’ to give you a free half sole?

THELMA: Well, for pete’s sake, Frannie.

FRANNIE: Well, it’s not that runty, little produce man? Thelma? You know, the one with the twitch?

THELMA: Well, good lord, Fran, I know more men than that.

FRANNIE: Well, I’m just tryin’ to find out. If you’re gonna go out with somebody peculiar.

THELMA: Down in the meadow in the itty-bitty-pool (sings)

FRANNIE: Thelma?

THELMA: Swam three little fishies and a mama fishy too. (goes to kitchen)

VINTON: Oh, hey, mama.

THELMA: Hello, Vinton. (opens ref) well, thank you.

VINTON: Well, look at you, all gussied up. Hee! You look great.

THELMA: Thank you.

VINTON: Oh, my lord, who died?

THELMA: Nobody died.

VINTON: Well, what are you wearin’ your funeral clothes for?

THELMA: Vinton, just because I wore this to a funeral once doesn’t make it a funeral dress. I wore it to the airport once too. Does that make it an airport dress?

FRANNIE: Your mama, it seems, has a date with a man this evening. Isn’t that wonderful?

VINTON: Well, yeah, that is wonderful. A date?! Well, I don’t know, mama, who is he?

THELMA: Woody Miller. We knew each other when we were young. (cuts cabbage) he got married and moved out of town, and I got married and stayed in town. I never saw him again till today.

VINTON: You saw him today?

THELMA: I was doin’ my marketing. Not expecting to run into anybody in particular—except for old Mrs. Potts, who always does her marketing every Wednesday afternoon. Anyhow, I noticed that somebody’s wavin’ at me.

FRANNIE: And it was Woody?

THELMA: Well, I can’t tell the story if I’m gonna be interrupted every time I open my mouth!

FRANNIE: I’m sorry, Thelma, I won’t interrupt.

THELMA: And it was Woody. He’s a widower living in Chicago, and he’s in town till tomorrow night visiting his sister.

FRANNIE: Oh, you mean he’s just in town overnight? Oh, well, isn’t that adorable? [giggles] Our Telma’s gonna have herself a fling.

THELMA: Oh, good lord, Frannie. What sort of fling could two old fossils like me and Woody have?

BUZZ: Hi, everybody. (grand kids enter)

FRANNIE: Children, look at your grandmother, doesn’t she look nice?

BUZZ: Sure do, grandma, who died?

VINTON: Nobody died, Buzz.

SONIA: Is she goin’ to the airport?

FRANNIE: Your grandma has a date with a man tonight.

BUZZ: I think that’s real nice (puts arm around her)

SONIA: I think it’s weird.

[doorbell rings]

BUZZ: I’ll get it.

THELMA: Freeze! It’s for me! (runs to the door, everyone watches) Who’s there?

WOODY: Down in the meadow in the itty-bitty pool (sings back)

THELMA: (looks at her family watching, straightens dress) Swim three little fishies (opens door)

WOODY: And a mama fishy, too.

THELMA: Swim, said the mama fishy, swim if you can (they both sing and dance) and they swam and they swam over the dam (hug)Oh, Woody!

WOODY: You cute thing you!

THELMA: Oh, bless your heart.

WOODY: I do hope that yellow roses are still your favorite. (hands her a bouquet)



THELMA: Well, you darlin’, you remembered! (they look at the family watching) That’s my family.

WOODY: That’s a relief, I thought it was a painting.

THELMA: Oh, come on out there, come meet Woody. (walk over) Come on, hurry up. Woody, this is my son, Vinton.

WOODY: Vint (shakes hand)

VINTON: Woody.

THELMA: This is Buzz and Sonia (shakes) Vinton’s children by his first wife who left him.

WOODY: Buzz, how are you?

THELMA: His current wife, Naomi, is out of town visiting relatives. Sonia, you wanna put those on water? (hands her bouquet)

WOODY: Wait a minute. (pulls one) A rose for a rose.

SONIA: (laughs and takes it) get serious.

WOODY: And who have we here?

THELMA: This is my unmarred sister, Fran.

FRANNIE: Yes. Ordinarily, they keep me hidden away in the attic. The mad spinster, don’t you know?

WOODY: (kisses hand) How do you do, Fran?

FRANNIE: Of course, I am unmarried by choice. I prefer to play the field, if you know what I mean.

THELMA: Woody, come on, we’re gonna be late.

VINTON: Uh, I don’t believe mama mentioned what line of work you’re in.

WOODY: She didn’t? I won a string of massage parlors.

VINTON: Oh?

THELMA: Oh, would you stop it?! He owns a great, big company, makes frozen foods.

WOODY: I was just pullin’ your leg, Vint.

VINTON: Well, I knew that. Frozen foods, huh? Bet there’s a pretty penny in that, huh?

WOODY: Probably not as lucrative as massage parlors, but I do alright.

THELMA: Well, you better do alright. Takin’ me to a fancy place like the Babylonian Roof Gardens.

VINTON: Babylonian Roof Gardens? Whoo! They even got valet parking down there. Boy, I’d be afraid to let one of ‘em park my car. How do you know it’s a real valet and not just some joker in a red coat who’s gonna take off in your vehicle?

THELMA: I wouldn’t worry about it, Vinton. They rarely steal pickup trucks without doors. Get the lead out, let’s go.

WOODY: Awfully nice meeting you all and don’t worry –I promise to have her home by curfew.

THELMA: Don’t wait up!