SHALLA HOLLYWOOD SCRIPTS

Die Frau des Zeitreisenden (Time Traveller's Wife)

2010-05-06T20:19:00.001-07:00

Ich kann nicht singen.

I can't sing.

Das war doch gut, Henry.

That was fine, Henry.

Ich kann nicht so singen wie du.

I can't sing like you.

Natürlich nicht.

Of course not.

Du sollst ja auch so singen wie du.

You're supposed to sing like you.

Dad sagt, ich kann keinen Ton halten,

Dad says I can't carry a tune

nicht mal mit ‘ner Leine.

in a wheelbarrow.

Dad hat nur Spaß gemacht.

Dad was joking.

Ich liebe deine Stimme.

I love your voice.

Wir beide lieben deine Stimme.

We both love your voice.

Wie wär´s mit Jingle Bells?

How about "Jingle Bells"?

Das kannst du singen.

That you can sing.

Mommy!

Mommy!

Henry.

Henry.

“…zum dritten Mal wieder und sprach:

"--for the third time and said:

“Was gibst du mir,

'What will you give me

wenn ich dir noch dismal das Stroh spinne?“

if I spin the straw for you this time also?'

“Ich habe nichts mehr, das ich geben könnte“

'I have nothing left that I could give,'

Antwortete das Mädchen.

answered the girl.

“So versprich mir, wenn du Königin wirst

'Then promise me, if you should become queen,

dein erstes Kind.”

your first child.'

“Wer weiß, wie das noch geht”

'Who knows whether that will ever happen?'

dachte die Müllerstochter und wusste sich auch in der Not nicht anders zu helfen...

thought the miller's daughter."

Nein! Mommy!

- No! Mommy!

- Henry. Henry.

- Henry. Henry.

Lass mich los!

Du kannst nichts tun.

- There's nothing you can do. No. Shh.

- Let me go! Mommy!

Du kannst gar nichts tun.

There's nothing you can do.

Hör zu, hör mir zu.

Listen. Listen to me.

Ich habe nicht viel Zeit.

I don't have much time.

Du warst im Auto. Es geriet ins Schleundern.

You were in the car. It was spinning.

Und plötzlich…

And all of a sudden...

warst du wieder zu Hause.

...you were home

Das war vor 2 Wochen…

and it was two weeks ago...

und du hast dich selbst beobachtet, hast beobachtet,

...and you were watching yourself.

Wie Mom und Dad dir vorlassen.

Watching your mom and dad read to you.

Du bist durch die Zeit gereist. OK?

You time-traveled, okay?

So wie ich, weil ich dich sehen wollte.

Just like I did to come to see you.

Ich bin du, Henr. Verstehst du?

I'm you, Henry. Understand?

Wenn du erwachsen bist.

When you're grown up.

Wir sind dieselbe Person.

We're the same person.

Das ist jetzt schwer zu verstehen,

I know that's hard to understand,

aber das wirst du eines Tages.

but you will someday.

Oh, mein Gott.

Oh, my God.

Ich muß jetzt gehen.

I have to go now.

Du brauchst keine Angst zu haben, Henry.

But you don't need to be afraid, Henry.

Dir passiert nichts. Das verspreche ich.

You're gonna be okay, I promise.

Helft dem kleinen Jungen!

Help that little boy!

Das hat aber lang gedauert.

- That took you long enough.

Sie haben ja keine Ahnung.

- You have no idea.

Okay.

Na Heiligabend. Irgendwelche Pläne?

So Christmas Eve. Got any plans?

Ja, ja. Superpläne.

Yeah, yeah. Big plans.

Sonst noch was?

- Anything else?

Nein, danke.

- No, thank you.

Frohe Weihnachten! Danke gleichfalls.

Merry Christmas. Thank you very much.

Guten Morgen, Chicago.

Good morning, Chicago.

Hier ist ChiTown Radio, es ist 8 Uhr.

ChiTown radio time is 8 a.m.

Es folgen die Nachrichten und die Meldungen vom Sport.

News and sports are coming up next.

Wir können uns auf einen sehr warmen Frühlingstag freuen.

Shaping up to be a warm first day of spring

here in the Windy City.

Verzeihung, ähm, haben Sie was über

Excuse me. I'm looking for something

Die Papierherstellung der Kelmscott Press?

on papermaking at Kelmscott.

Das weiß der Mitarbeiter für Sonderausgaben.

Our special-collections librarian can help you with that.

Kann ich Ihnen helfen?

Can I help you?

Henry?

Ja?

Yes?

Henry.

Du bist es.

It's you.

Du hast mir gesagt, dass das passiert.

You told me this would happen.

Und dass ich mich normal verhalten soll,

I'm supposed to act normal,

aber ich verhalte mich überhaupt nicht normal.

but I'm not really acting very normal.

Es tut mir leid.

I'm sorry.

Ich weiß beim bestern Willen nicht, wer du bist.

I really have no idea who you are.

Ich bin Clare.

I'm Clare.

Clare Abshire.

Ja, ich weiß.

Now, I know—

Ich weiß, dass du mich nicht kennst.

I know you don't know me.

Und ich weiß auch, wie seltsam das für dich sein muß.

Look, I know how odd this must be for you.

Für mich ist es das auch.

It's odd for me.

But, um...

Können wir zusammen was essen gehen?

...would you like to have dinner with me,

Dann werde ich´s dir erklären.

and I'll explain?

Henrz, wir planen dieses Essen schon seit sehr langer Zeit.

Henry, we've been planning this dinner for a long time.

Ist das wahr?

We have?

Wir gehen ins Beau Thai.

Go to the Beau Thai.

Dein Lieblingsrestaurant.

It's your favorite.

Richtig.

- It is.

- Mm-hm.

Du scheinst es sehr schwer gehabt zu haben.

You look like you've been having a hard time.

Aber weißt du, es wird alles wieder gut.

You know, everything's gonna be okay.

Also, ähm, geht das dann klar mit dem Essen?

So, um, is it "yes," then, to dinner?

Okay.

- Okay.

- Yeah.

Ja. Ähm...

Yeah. Um....

Im Beau Thai, 19 Uhr.

- So Beau Thai, 7.

- Mm-hm.

Das ist schön.

See you there.

Oh, Sheiße.

Oh, shit.

- Hey.

Oh, Mann.

- Oh, man.

Wolltest du gerada abhauen, Arschloch?

Going somewhere, asshole?

Das können Sie sich sparen.

I wouldn't bother.

Aha. Wieso denn?

Yeah? Why's that?

Das sehen Sie gleich.

- You'll see.

Schnauze.

- Shut up.

Zentrale. Wagen 11.

- Dispatch, Unit 11.

Was gibt es?

- Go ahead, 11.

Ich hab einen… du, du...

I got a--

Großer Gott!

Jesus Christ.

Möchten Sie noch ein Glas Wein?

- would you like another glass?

Ja, gern, danke.

- Sure. Thank you.

Entschuldige. Ich war, äh, verhindert.

Sorry. I was, uh, detained.

Ist alles in Ordnung?

- Are you okay?

Ja. Nichts Wichtiges.

- Yeah, no big deal.

Danke.

Thank you.

You do understand why it is I don't know you?

Du weißt, woran es liegt, dass ich dich nicht kenne.

Aber ja.

Uh, of course.

Wenn du älter bist, reist du zurück in die Zeit, als ich noch ein kleines Mädchen war.

When you're older, you'll travel back to when I'm a little girl.

Für mich, äh…

For me, ahh--

Ich meine, zum ersten Mal sah ich dich, als 6 Jare alt war.

I mean, I've known you since--since I was 6 years old.

Als du auf der Wiese aufgetaucht bist, hinter meinem Elternhaus, wo ich immer spielte.

Since, um, you appeared in the meadow behind my parents' house where I used to play.

Um....

Im Grunde darfts du eigentlich nicht trinken.

You're not really supposed to drink.

Wieso denn nicht?

Why's that?

Weißt du, du hast mir erzählt, Dr. Kendrick hat gesagt, du mußt aufhören zu trinken,

Well, you told me that Dr. Kendrick said that you should stop drinking...

… weil es dich zum Reisen zwingt.

...because it makes you travel.

Wer ist Dr. Kendrick?

- Who's Dr. Kendrick?

Er ist dein Artz.

- He's your doctor.

Gewinner des Berger Preises für seine Forschung in Genetik.

He wins the Berger for his work in genetics.

Er… er hilft dir.

He.... He helps you.

Das ist zu viel.

This is too much.

Tut mir leid.

I'm sorry.

Du hast mir gesagt, ich soll behutsam mit dir umgehen.

You told me to go easy on you,

Und das tue ich nicht.

and, um, I'm not.

Ahh....

Ich hab´s mir jedes Mal aufgeschrieben, wenn du mich besucht hast.

I wrote down every time that you came to visit me.

Und ich vermute, das war oder wird noch ziemlich häufig sein.

Which I gather I did, or will do, fairly often.

Das letzte Mal hab ich dich gesehen, da war ich 18.

The last time that I saw you, I was 18.

Anscheinend kehrst du sehr oft an dieselben Orte zurück.

Seems that you go back to the same places a lot.

Das ist wie mit der Schwerkraft.

Yeah, it's like gravity.

Wichtige Ereignisse, ähm, ziehen einen an.

Big events pull you in.

Ich war ein wichtiges Ereignis.

I was a big event.

Scheint zu stimmen.

So it would seem.

Clare, nicht wahr?

Clare, right?

Yeah.

Können wir einen Moment lang so tun, als würden wir uns zum ersten Mal sehen?

Could we pretend just for a minute that this is the first time we've met?

Okay.

Natürlich.

Sure.

Es ist nur so…

It's just that....

Na ja, du bist mein bester Freund.

It's just that you're my best friend.

Ich liebe dich schon mein ganzes Leben lang.

I've been in love with you all my life.

Ist das wirklich nötig?

- Is this really necessary?

Ja. Zähl bis 1.000.

- Yeah. Count to 1000.

Ahh....

Okay.

Eins.

One.

Zwei.

Two.

Drei.

Three.

Vier hundert.

Four hundred.

Sex hundert.

Six hundred.

Acht hundert.

Eight hundred.

Ein Tausend.

A thousand.

Willst du was trinken?

Do you want a drink?

Ich will nichts trinken.

I don't want a drink.

Got, du bist so jung.

God, you're so young.

Erzähl es mir noch mal.

Tell me again.

Wir haben wir uns kennengelernt?

How did we meet?

Du bist älter als jetzt gerade.

You're older than you are now.

Ich glaube, ich darf dir das gar nicht erzählen.

Maybe I'm not supposed to tell you.

Ich denke, ich sollte es wissen.

Well, I think I need to know.

Wer ist da?

Who's there?

Ich grüße dich, Erdling.

Greetings, Earthling.

Mark, du Idiot!

Mark, you idiot.

Aua! Clare! Ich tu dir doch nichts, aber bitte hör auf,

Ow! Clare, I'm not gonna hurt you.

Sachen nach mir zu werfen.

Just please don't throw anything at me.

Woher weißt du, wie ich heiße? Wer bist du? Und… Wieso kommst du nicht da raus?

Who are you, how do you know my name, and why can't you come out?

Kannst du mir bitte die Decke geben?

Can you just hand me the blanket?

Ich ruf jetzt lieber meine Mom.

Maybe I should call my mom.

Nein, nein, nein, ruf nicht deine Mom, bitte!

No, no, no. Don't call your mom, please.

Gib mir einfach nur die Decke, und dann verschwinde ich.

Just hand me the blanket and I'll leave.

Wozu brauchst du den die Decke?

What do you need the blanket for?

Ich bin ein Zeitreisender.

I'm a time traveler.

Ich komme aus der Zukunft.

I come from the future.

Und wenn ich reise, darf ich meine Kleidung nicht mitnehmen.

And when I do,I don't get to bring my clothes.

Zeitreisende, die gibt es überhaupt nicht.

There's no such thing as time travelers.

Doch, allerdings.

Yes, there is.

Und wir beide, wir sind Freunde. In der Zukunft.

In fact, you and I are friends in the future.

Wenn du eine Dame bist.

- When you're a lady.

Eine hübsche Dame?

- Am I pretty?

Ja.

Yes.

Wunderschön.

Very.

Beweise mir das alles.

Prove you're from the future.

Bitte sehr. Dein Name ist Clare Abshire.

Well, your name is Clare Abshire.

Geboren 24. Mai 1972.

Born May 24th, 1972.

Die Namen deiner Eltern sind Philip und Luci...

- Your parents are Philip and Lucille—

Na, gut. Du weißt ein paar Sachen.

- So you know things.

Das beweist noch nicht, dass du aus der Zukunft bist.

That doesn't prove you're from the future.

Na gut.

Okay.

Dieses Wochenende... fällt dein Bruder Mark, der wirklich ´ne Nervensäge ist,

This weekend, your brother, Mark, who's a real pain in the ass...

von einem Baum und bricht sich den Arm.

...falls out of a tree and breaks his arm.

Ja! Aber leider weiß ich erst dann, ob du die Warheit sagst oder nicht.

Yeah, but I won't know till then if you're telling the truth or not.

Wenn du lange genug hierbleibst, wirst du sehen, wie ich verschwinde.

Well, if you hang around long enough, you'll see me disappear.

Aber du bist doch noch gar nicht lange hier.

But you just got here.

Ich werde wiederkommen.

I'll be back again.

Sehr, sehr oft.

Lots of times.

Um genau zu sein…

In fact...

Komme ich nächsten Dienstag wieder um 16 Uhr.

...I'll be back next Tuesday at 4.

Wenn du dann auch herkommst, könntest du mir vielleicht ein paar Sachen mitbringen.

And it'd be great if, when you come then, you could bring me some clothes.

Irgendwas, das dein Vater nicht mehr anzieht.

Something your dad won't miss.

Es hat mich sehr gefreut.

Nice to meet you.

Mach dir deshalb keine Gedanken.

Don't worry about that.

Das ist schon lange vorbei.

It's been over for a while.

Das ist seltsam.

This is weird.

Ich habe dich in dem Alter nicht gekannt.

I never knew you at this age.

Ich hab dich immer nur als einen...

I mean, I've only known you as this...

Reifen, weltgewandten Menschen gekannt.

...mature, worldly person.

Ich konkurriere mit mir selbst.

I'm competing against myself.

Nein.

No.

Du bist nur immer der Richtige für mich gewesen.

You were just kind of my perfect guy.

Ich kann mich einfach nicht daran gewöhnen.

I just can't get used to this.

Ich mein, ich warte immer darauf, dass du verschwindest

I mean, I just keep waiting for you to disappear.

Ah, das kommt schon noch, glaub mir.

Oh, it'll happen, believe me.

Wie fühlt sich das an?

How's it feel?

Ich meine… Ich weiß, wie es ist, mit anzusehen, wie du gehst.

I mean, I know what it's like to watch you go...

… aber wie ist es, wenn man immer der ist, der geht?

...but what's it like

to always be the one that's going?

Manchmal fühlt es sich an, als wär man zu schnell aufgestanden.

Sometimes it feels like you've stood up too quickly.

Erst kribbeln die Hände und die Füße, und dann sind sie einfach weg.

Your hands and feet are tingling, and then they're not there at all.

Manchmal ist es so, als würden deine Gedanken nur kurz abschweifen.

Sometimes it feels like your attention has wandered just for an instant...

… dann steht man nackt da. Irgendwo.

...then you're standing naked someplace.

Vielleicht war man schon mal da, vielleicht auch nicht.

Maybe you've been there before, maybe you haven't.

Man weiß nicht, wie lange es dauert, also geht man los,

You don't know how long it's gonna last, so you start walking...

… bis man was zum Anziehen gefunden hat.

...till you find some clothes.

Dann kommt man sich vor, als wäre man so wie alle anderen auch.

Then you seem just like everybody else.

Nur, dass man dort gestrandet ist und allein ist. Und darauf wartet zu verschwinden.

Except you're stranded and all alone,just waiting to disappear.

Aber dafür kannst du Menschen aus der Vergangenheit treffen.

But you get to see people from the past.

Menschen, die schon tot sind. Wie deine Mom.

People who are gone, like your mom.

Ja, aber man kann das, was ihnen passiert ist, nicht mehr ändern.

Yeah, but the thing is, you can't change what happens to them.

Ich habe es versucht.

I've tried.

Es passiert trotzdem.

It just happens anyway.

Where are we?

Wo sind wir denn hier?

Das ist Charisse, meine beste Freundin.

- And this is Charisse, my best friend.

- Hi.

Meine Mitbewohnerin.

- My roommate.

Willkommen. Und heute Abend unsere Superköchin.

- Welcome. And our excellent cook for tonight.

Dann ich kann nicht kochen.

Because I don't cook.

Sie ist ´n nettes Mädchen, aber sie kann nicht mal Toast machen.

She's a lovely girl, but she can't cook toast.

- Gomez?

Kurzform für Gomolinski.

- Yeah, short for Gomolinski.

Es ist wirklich eine große Freude.

It's really nice to meet you.

Na, so ´ne Freude ist es nun auch wieder nicht. Nur kriegen wir Clare endlich mal wieder zu sehen.

We didn't wanna meet you, but seems to be the only way to catch a glimpse of Clare.

Hör gar nicht auf Gomez.

Please ignore Gomez.

Hättest du gern ein Glas Wein, Henry?

- Do you want some wine?

Nein, vielen Dank.

- No, thanks.

Möchtest du Wasser?

Do you want some water?

Ja, gern.

- Yeah, sure.

- Yeah?

Du hast mir gar nicht erzählt, wie süß er ist.

You didn't tell me how cute he was.

So süß ist er nun auch nicht.

He's not that cute.

Und er sagt kaum was.

Doesn't talk much either.

Ich hab nichts aus ihm rausgebracht, außer, dass er Bibliothekar ist.

I couldn't get anything out of him except he's a librarian.

Vielleicht mußt du ihn ja nicht gerada ins Kreuzverhör nehmen.

Well, maybe if you would stop interrogating him....

Aber die ganzen Jahre hast du nie einen Freund gehabt.

You never had a boyfriend.

Jetzt bist du jede freie Minute bei ihm.

You spend every minute with the guy.

Ich frag mich nur, was an ihm dran ist.

- Wondering what the draw is.

Lass sie doch in Ruhe.

- Leave her alone.

Sie braucht Bestätigung, wie wir alle.

She's codependent.

Hast du gedacht, sie sei darüber erhaben?

You thought she was gonna dodge that bullet?

Keine Ahnung.

I don't know.

Süß ist nun echt übertrieben.

I just think he's not that cute.

So, können wir, äh können wir die die Kartoffeln jetzt reintun

All right, so can we put the potatoes in yet?

Oder willst du warten, bis das Gemüse gar ist?

Or do you wanna wait until the vegetables are done?

Wo ist die Pfanne?

- Where's the pan?

Woher sol lich das wissen?

- How do I know?

Du kanns auch mal helfen. Und räum auf.

- You can help.

Ich, ich wohn za mal hier.

- I don't even live here.

- You—

Also, erstens, bin ich ein Mann

- First, I'm a man.

Und zweitens, bin ich ein Gast.

Second of all, I'm a guest here.

Also, hat man so was je gehört?

Liest du mein Tagebuch?

Are you reading my diary?

Ich habe dir gesagt, das ist privat.

Told you that was private.

Ich hab es nicht gelesen.

- I didn't read it.

Aber es hat ganz so ausgesehen.

- Well, it kind of looked like you did.

Ich hab versucht, die Danken zu finden.

I was trying to find the dates.

Die, an denen ich dich besuche.

The dates that I go to see you.

Damit ich´s dem kleinen Mädchen auf der Wiese sagen kann.

So I could tell the little girl in the meadow.

Wenn ich ihr wirklich so wichtig bin...

If I'm that important to her...

… möchte ich ihr sagen, wann ich komme, damit sie nicht warten muss.

...I wanted to tell her when I was coming to see her so she wouldn't have to wait.

Got, es tut mir leid.

Christ, I'm sorry.

Ich weiß nicht, was ich mir dabei gedacht habe.

I don't know what I was thinking.

Ich gehe jetzt lieber.

I should go.

Ich will nicht, dass du gehst.

I'd like you to stay.

Du warst die ganze Nacht über da.

You were there all night.

Wie der dem da eine reingehauen hat.

- Come on, kick his ass.

Seht euch das an.

- Guys, check this out.

Das ist doch ´ne Schwuchtel.

- Come on, he's a fag. Kick his ass.

- Oh, no.

Hört auf!

Come on.

Hey, hey, hey.

Hör auf, hört sofort auf!

Break it up, break it up.

- Henry.

- Gomez.

Was machst du da?

What are you doing?

Du Schwulenhasser, du dämlicher!

Goddamn homophobe.

Sag mal, was hast du den da für Klamotten an?

Dude, what in the hell are you wearing?

Der wievielte ist heute?

- What's the date?

Wie meinst du das, ´der wievielte´?

- What do you mean, "what's the date?"

Welches Jahr?

- What year?

Was meinst du, welches Jahr?

- What do you mean, "what year?"

Vergiss es.

- Forget it.

Ich brauch was zum Anziehen.

I gotta get some clothes.

Pink steht dir überhaupt nicht.

- Yeah, the pink's not working for you. Hey.

Was wird das denn jetzt?

- What are you doing now?

Ich breche das Schloss auf.

- Picking a lock.

- Huh?

Tür zu. Los.

- Close the door.

Verdammt noch mal, sag mir, was hier los ist.

You wanna tell me what the hell's going on here?

Bist du auf Drogen?

What are you on?

Red mit mir.

Seriously.

Hez, also, wenn, wenn du´n Problem hast, vielleicht kann ich dir helfen.

Hey, you know, if you have a problem, maybe I can help.

Ja, klar.

Yeah, right.

Hör zu, du bist mir scheißegal, aber Clare mag ich sehr.

I don't give a shit about you, but Clare I care about.

Also sag mir jetzt gefälligst, was hier läuft.

- Why don't you tell me what this is about?

Du willst es wissen?

- You wanna know?

Dann sag ich es dir.

I'm gonna tell you.

Den wir beide warden sehr lange Zeit Freunde bleiben,

Because you and I are gonna be friendsfor a long time.

Da kann ich es dir eben so gut auch gleich erzählen.

You might as well know now.

So? Was den?

- Know what?

Ich sehe jetzt älter aus, oder?

- I look older, right?

Weil ich es bin.

That's because I am.

Ich komme aus der Zukunft in diese Nacht.

I've come back to this night from the future.

Ich bin ein Zeitreisender.

I'm a time traveler.

Oh, mein Gott, du bist völlig ire.

Oh, my God, you are out of your mind.

Es hat angefangen, als ich 6 Jahre alt war.

Started when I was 6 years old.

Ich becomme Anfälle, ich verschwinde.

I have fits. I disappear.

Ich reise durch die Zeit.

I travel through time.

Heute komme ich aus dem Jahr 2003.

I've come to this night from 2003.

Welches Jahr ist jetzt?

What year is this?

- 1995. Das gefällt mir nicht.

- 1995. I don't like this.

Ich werde aus der Zeit geworfen.

- I get dislocated in time.

Ich weiß nie, wann es passiert,

I never know when it's gonna happen

Und wo ich wieder auftauche.

or where I'm gonna end up.

Ich muß einbrechen, stehlen. Kleidung vom erstbesten Menschen, den ich sehe.

I have to break and enter, steal clothes from the first person I see.

Ich hab schon alles gemacht.

You name it, I've done it.

Uh-huh.

Also, irgendwas stimmt nicht mit dir?

There's something wrong with you.

Ja, du sagst es.

Yeah, there is.

Aber Clare bedeutet mir mehr als du dir vorstellen kannst. Also mach dir darum keine Sorgen.

But I care about Clare more than you can imagine, so don't worry about that.

Oh, Mann, hez, da bin ich ja erleichtert.

Whoa, hey, I'm reassured.

Hör mal. Sag mal, wird Charisse mich in der Zukunft heiraten?

Listen, in the future, do Charisse and I get married?

Und hab ich dann ´ne Glatze.

Do I go bald? Does Charisse go bald?

Von mir erfährst du nichts über deine Zukunft.

I'm not gonna tell you things about your life.

Wenn man Dinge im Voraus weiß, wird man wahnsinnig.

- Knowing stuff in advance makes you crazy.

Du redest einen Haufen Scheiße, weißt du das?

- You're full of shit, you know that?

Das denkst du gleich nicht mehr.

- You won't think that in a minute.

Aha. Und warum nicht?

- Yeah? Why's that?

- Hey.

- Hey.

- Charisse is out.

Charisse ist nicht da.

- Henry here?

Und Henry?

- No, he's at the library.

Er ist in der Bibliothek.

- Don't marry him, Clare.

Du darfst ihn nicht heiraten.

- What?

Was?

- Just don't marry Henry, okay?

Du darfst Henry nicht heiraten.

- You know, he hasn't asked me yet.

Also, er hat mich noch nicht mal gefragt...

- Yeah, you know what I'm talking about.

Ja, aber du weißt, wovon ich spreche.

I love him.

Ich liebe ihn.

Here. Come here.

Hör zu. Komm, setz dich.

I saw him last night at the Vic.

Ich habe ihn gestern Abend zufällig getroffen.

Barrel of laughs.

Es war ein Mordsspaß.

First, he beats up a guy, then we burglarize the Army-Navy store.

Erst verprügelt er ´nen Kerl auf der Straße, dann sind wir in einen ArmyLaden eingebrochen.

And then he tells me that he's a time traveler.

Und dann… dann er erzählt er mir, er wäre ein Zeitreisender.

You know, because he travels through time.

Einer, der reist. Durch die Zeit eben.

And did you believe him?

Hast du ihm das abgenommen?

Um....

Not until he disappeared right in front of me, you know?

Ähm, erst dann, als er vor meinen Augen verschwunden ist.

Like, he just disappeared.

Also, er war auf einmal weg.

Yeah, it's a problem.

Ja, das ist ein Problem.

- Are you saying you know about this?

Soll das heißen, du weißt Bescheid?

- I've known for a very long time.

Ich weiß es. Ja, ich weiß es schon seit Langem.

Okay, I don't know what the hell's going on, all right?

Ach, also, verdammt, ich will überhaupt nicht wissen, was hier los ist, klar?

I don't need to know how the whole thing works, because I don't care.

Und ich muß auch gar nicht wissen, wie das alles funktioniert. Denn es ist mir egal.

But, uh, just presuming for a second that we're not all out of our freaking minds...

Wenn wir mal kurz davon ausgehen, dass wir noch halb bei Verstand sind...

...whatever Henry has, it's, uh....

Was auch immer Henry da hat, das ist...

It's not good.

Ähm, das ist nicht gut.

I've been waiting for him my entire life, and now he's here.

Ich warte nun schon auf ihn, solange ich lebe. Und jetzt ist er da.

I mean, it's already happened.

Sieh mal, es ist alles passiert.

I couldn't even change it if I wanted to.

Ich könnte es nicht ändern, auch wenn ich es wollte.

Well, you're worse off than I thought.

Du bist ja noch schlimmer dran, als ich dachte.

Maybe I am.

Da kannst du recht haben.

That guy stole my wallet. My wallet!

Der hat meine Brieftasche geklaut! Meine Brieftasche!

That guy stole my wallet. Hold the train.

Der hat meine Brieftasche geklaut!

Excuse me.

Entschuldigen Sie, bitte.

- Are you Annette DeTamble?

Sind Sie Annette DeTamble?

- Yes.

Ja.

I love you.

Ich liebe Sie.

I mean, your work. Your SINGING.

Ihre Arbeit, meine ich. Ihren Gesang.

You have a great voice.

Ihre Stimme ist fantastisch.

Thank you. I appreciate that.

Danke. Wie nett von Ihnen.

People don't usually recognize me.

Normalerweise erkennen mich die Leute nicht.

Not on the subway, anyway. Ha, ha.

Jedenfalls nicht in der U Bahn.

My name's Henry.

Mein Name ist Henry.

How funny.

Ach wie lustig.

I have a son named Henry.

Ich hab einen Sohn namens Henry.

But he's just 3.

Aber er ist erst 3.

I met a girl.

Ich habe eine Frau kennengelernt.

And since I've been with her, I feel safe.

Und seit ich mit ihr zusammen bin, fühle ich mich geborgen.

I haven't felt that way for a long time.

So habe ich mich schon lange nicht mehr gefühlt.

Not since I was a kid.

Seit meiner Kindheit nicht.

I wish she could hear you sing.

Ich wünschte, sie könnte Sie singen hören.

Maybe she will one day.

Vielleicht wird sie das ja eines Tages.

I'm really glad I met you.

Ich freue mich, dass wir uns getroffen haben.

I'm glad I met you too.

Ich freue mich auch darüber.

Make sure that girl knows how you feel about her.

Sorgen Sie dafür, dass die Frau weiß, was Sie für sie empfinden.

Your son loves you very much.

Ihr Sohn liebt Sie von ganzem Herzen.

I know.

Ich weiß.

Hello?

Hallo?

Dad?

What are you doing here?

Was willst du hier?

I was worried.

Ich mache mir Sorgen.

I called you several times.

Ich habe dich ein paarmal angerufen.

I've been ill.

Ich war krank.

Yeah.

Ja.

- I called the orchestra.

Ich habe beim Orchester angerufen.

- Hmm.

They told me you've been on sick leave since September.

Sie haben gesagt, du seist seit September krankgeschrieben.

August.

Makes it hard to play the violin.

Damit kann man schlecht Geige spielen.

That's not gonna help.

Das hilft aber auch nicht.

Sure it does.

Doch, allerdings.

- Want one?

Möchtest du einen?

- No.

Nein.

I don't drink anymore.

Ich trinke nicht mehr.

Pity.

Wie schade.

It was our one shared enthusiasm.

Das einzige Vergnügen, das wir gemeinsam hatten.

First thing we gotta do is get someone in here to clean the place up.

Zuerst müssen wir jemanden finden, der hier sauber macht.

Make you some meals.

Und was für dich kocht.

I mean, do you even eat?

Sag mal, isst du eigentlich?

I mean, do you want me to come around more often?

Willst du vielleicht, dass ich öfter mal vorbeischaue?

Take you to the doctor?

Dich zum Artz bringe.

- Help pay some bills? What?

Rechnungen bezahle, was?

- No.

Nein.

No? "No" to what, everything?

Nein? Was nein? Alles oder nur was Bestimmtes?

Or just some of that?

Get your own life in order before you start telling me how to live mine.

Bring erst dein Leben in Ordnung, bevor du mir Vorträge über meins hältst.

I'm getting married.

Ich habe vor zu heiraten.

Who would marry you?

Wer will dich den hairaten?

- Does she know about--?

Weiß sie Bescheid wegen deiner...

- She knows everything about me.

Sie weiß ganz genau Bescheid über mich.

Everything.

Sie weiß alles.

Her name's Clare.

Ihr Name ist Clare.

Clare Abshire. She's an artist.

Sie ist Künstlerin.

I'd really like to give her Mom's wedding and engagement rings.

Und ich würde ihr gern Moms Ehe und Verlobungsringe schenken.

That's why I'm here.

Deshalb bin ich hier.

And I think Mom would really like that.

Und ich glaube, Mom hätte es gutgeheißen.

Uta Hagen Acting Class Part 4

2010-05-05T18:55:00.000-07:00

Dangerous Beauty (Beauté Dangereuse in French)

2010-05-05T18:43:00.000-07:00

Dangerous Beauty (1998)

Nous dansâmes notre jeunesse dans une ville rêvée

"We danced our youth in a dreamed-of city

Venise

Venice

Paradis du beau et de la fierté

Paradise proud and pretty

Vivant pour l’amour, le désir, la beauté

We lived for love and lust and beauty

Au plaisir seul, nous sommes obligés

Pleasure then our only duty

Flottant entre ciel et terre

Floating then 'twixt heaven and earth

Soûlés de joie bénie et légère

And drunk on plenty's blessed mirth

Nous croyant éternels et bienheureux

We thought ourselves eternal then

Notre gloire scellée de la plume de Dieu

Our glory sealed by God's own pen

Mais le paradis trouvé toujours est précaire

But paradise we found is always frail

Contre la peur de l’homme toujours il perd.

Against man's fear will always fail. "

Un souci, maman?

Is anything wrong, Mama?

No, rien.

Nothing at all.

Je me sens mal.

I feel faint.

I feel faint.

I feel faint.

Que fais-tu ?

What are you doing?

Come on, Beatrice.

Vite!

Quick!

Doucement!

Slow down!

Veronica!

Regarde!

Look!

Hello!

Voilà ton frère!

Your brother!

Salut à toi, Venise!

Hello, Venice!

Et s’il nous voit?

What if he sees us?

Il ne nous regarde pas, mais alles.

He's looking at them, not us.

Salut à toi, Venise!

Hello, Venice!

As-tu reçu mes lettres?

Did you get my letters?

Non? Je me tais.

No? I'm not talking to you anyway.

Tu m’as brisé le cœur.

You broke my heart.

Come on!

Come on!

All this for me?

Tout ça pour moi?

Oh Olivia

Oh glorious maid

Glorieuse demoiselle...

Of virtue spare

De vertu tempérée...

With bosoms like those who could care?

Tes seins te font pardonner.

My rod...

Ma gaule

...my lady, a hand.

ma dame, votre main.

- Come.

Venez.

- Hardly.

Presque!

It's Venus, come to bless the Venetians!

Vénus venue bénir les Vénitiens!

You smell like a sewer.

Tu sens l’égout.

Thank you. That's a fine welcome, little sister. Look at you.

Merci, quel charmant accueil, petite sœur. Et toi!

You might make a wife after all.

Tu es bonne à marier.

- Did you see him?

L’as-tu vu?

- Who?

Qui?

-You know who.

Tu sais qui.

-My future husband.

Mon futur époux.

Is he handsome?

Est-il beau?

- He's powerful.

Il est puissant.

- He is.

Il est.

Welcome home, Marco.

Bienvenue, Marco.

I think I've missed you.

Tu m’as manqué.

With all the court ladies to amuse you?

Entouré des femmes de la cour?

Roman women, they can't hold a candle to the Venetian.

Ces Romaines n’égalent pas les Vénitiennes.

Nor can French, Florentine nor any from Europe to the Levant.

Comme toutes les femmes de l’Europe au Levant.

No doubt you've sampled them all.

Tu as dû goûter à toutes.

All but idle amusement until you blossomed.

Le temps que tu t’épanouisses.

What keeps a son from greeting his own parents?

Quelque chose te retiens de nous saluer?

Beauty, I think.

La beauté, je pense.

You're drenched. Come on, you'll catch your death.

Tu es trempé. Tu vas attraper la mort.

I thought you were going to miss dinner again.

J’ai cru que tu manquerais encore le dîner.

Ladies have better things to do than poison their minds with books.

Une fille a mieux à faire que lire.

Such as?

Et quoi faire?

Such as minding their manners.

Surveiller ses manières.

The butcher said he must be paid.

Le boucher veut être payé.

Sera, do you know when you sail?

Sera, embarques-tu bientôt?

Next week.

La semaine prochaine.

Wish I could sail the high seas.

Ah, embarquer avec toi.

Veronica, high seas, indeed.

Courir les mers, voyons!

She'll never find a husband if she carries on like a child.

Elle est trop puérile pour trouver un mari.

How do people marry, Mother?

Comment se marie-t-on, Mère?

They strike a bargain.

On conclut un marché.

What's to bargain over if you're in love?

Pourquoi, si on est amoureux?

Marriage is a contract, not a perpetual tryst.

C’est un contrat, pas une cour galante.

Have you got someone in mind?

As-tu quelqu’un en tête?

- Love poetry?

Poème d’amour ?

- Give it back!

Rends-le moi.

"Life's harshness all forgave

Les coups du sort ai pardonnè

Hearts yearning met

Nos cœurs se sont rencontrés

When God...

Quand Dieu...

...your soul did..."

fit de ton âme...

Must be true love.

C’est vraiment de l’amour!

I'd have made a dashing courtier.

J’aurais été un beau courtisan?

Or maybe a pirate!

Ou peut-être un pirate?

Disengage to the left.

Dégage à gauche.

And again, back.

Recule encore.

Back, extend and lunge.

Recule encore, fends-toi et porte.

Nor in hope

Ni en espoir

The world can show a fatal...

Le monde ne m’offre...

... love for me

un grand Amour.

But since that I must...

Mais puisque je dois…

I really love you Please won't you love me

Je t’aime vraiment Aime-moi à ton tour

And where might you be going?

Et où penses-tu aller?

Nowhere.

Nulle part.

That 'nowhere' has a nice tenor.

Ce nulle part a une voix de ténor.

Veronica is on the canal with Marco Venier. Alone.

Veronica est sur le canal avec Marco Venier. Seule.

Mother Franco!

Mère Franco!

Elena, don't call me that. Makes me feel ancient.

Ne m’appelle pas ainsi. Ça me vieillit.

Young ladies of marriageable age must be chaperoned.

Les filles à marier doivent être chaperonnées.

A good marriage for Veronica could win me a proper commission.

Veronica bien mariée, j’aurais une charge.

I always liked Marco.

J’apprécie Marco Venier.

He won't marry her if he has her first.

Pas de mariage s’il la séduit.

Marry her? A bride of Marco's will need a king's ransom.

Mariage? Marco n’épousera qu’une fille riche.

"I see my fated stars Your eyes...

Je vois ma bonne étoile Tes yeux...

They melt me as the sun does snow"

font fondre comme neige au soleil.

I bought this in Rome for you.

Je l’ai eu à Rome pour toi.

You didn't buy it for me.

Pas pour moi.

Yes, I did.

Si.

I just didn't know it.

Mais je ne le savais pas.

Such an easy gift might easily be taken back again.

Cadeau facile à donner, facile à reprendre.

Then name me any other gift.

Demande-m’en un autre.

The book will do for now.

Le livre fait l’affaire.

I think perhaps you're too young...

Je pense que tu es peut- être trop jeune...

...to accept what I would...

pour accepter ce que je veux...

...truly give you.

te donner...

I am not so young as you are vain.

Je suis moins jeune que tu n’es vaniteux.

You haven't changed, have you?

Tu n’as pas changé...

How would you know?

Comment le sais-tu?

I fear you mistake me for one of your easy court companions.

Tu te méprends en me croyant une conquête facile.

I mistook the asking in your eyes.

Je me suis mépris sur ton regard.

Do you not like my kiss?

Tu aimes mon baiser?

I wish it were not a sin to have liked it so.

Je regrette que l’aimer soit un pèchè.

God made sin...

Dieu a crèè le pèchè...

...that we might know His mercy.

pour nous faire connaître sa pitié.

Buy SHALLA Magazine iat Amazon.com

2010-01-16T07:09:00.000-08:00

SHALLA Magazine: Pop Art pocket-edition

To order, follow this link

We Love You Michael!

2009-06-26T08:19:00.001-07:00

To the Genius, the Icon, the King of Pop...

I just have to take some time to honor Michael Jackson.

Yesterday, as soon as I heard that Michael Jackson was taken to the hospital, I immediately lit a candle for him.
I thought he'd be fine, I thought it was a heart attack--people have recovered from those... Then, I learned that it was cardiac arrest... okay, isn't that a heart attack? No, that means his heart has stopped.
I was glued to the TV, praying, sending him loving thoughts...

Michael Jackson...

1983, Philippines. I've heard his song being played on the radio over and over, I think it was Beat It... Michael Jackson, the singer's name is Michael Jackson, everyone loved his songs, everyone knew his name. Music Videos were so new... VH1 on TV was playing every afternoon and that one day, I stumbled upon it for the first time. That's when I saw him for the first time, Michael Jackson, the singer from America and he did not have white skin. As a little Filipino girl, it shook me to learn this... I didn't even know there was such a thing... it was so new to me.

Michael Jackson, he transcended color barriers, cultural barriers... what can I say, the man is legendary, the ultimate artist, the greatest entertainer of all time, the... I woke up this morning, turned on the TV, hoping it was all a bad dream, a publicity stunt, please... When I learned how to sing last year, the first song I worked on learning was Michael Jackson's Ben. When I set my goals, I shot for the stars, the best of the best--to be able to sing like Michael... I can't believe it... I can't believe it...

I love you Michael, you're always with us through your music... your magic lives on...

2009-05-03T12:25:00.001-07:00

Congrats to the PACMAN!

Hatton went down in the first round. By the second round, Hutton went down after Pacquiao easily landed a left hook to the side of his face (which is said to be like a two-ton refrigerator coming at you).

Brilliant Pacquiao cements legacy with win

Pacquiao vs. Hatton
by agarakz

***

HOME SHALLA CHATS ARTICLES RESOURCES LET'S SHALLA BLOG WHO IS SHALLA?

SHALLA: Congrats to Pacquiao and his Team!

2009-05-03T12:21:00.001-07:00

Congrats, Hatton went down in the first round. By the second round, Hutton went down after Pacquiao easily landed a left hook to the side of his face (which is said to be like a two-ton refrigerator coming at you).

Brilliant Pacquiao cements legacy with win

Pacquiao vs. Hatton
by agarakz

***

HOME SHALLA CHATS ARTICLES RESOURCES LET'S SHALLA BLOG WHO IS SHALLA?

SHALLA: Congrats to Pacquiao and his Team!

2009-05-03T12:21:00.000-07:00

Pacquiao vs. Hatton
by agarakz

***

HOME SHALLA CHATS ARTICLES RESOURCES LET'S SHALLA BLOG WHO IS SHALLA?

SHALLA: Twilight Zone Scripts

2008-11-26T12:39:00.000-08:00

The Twilight Zone

Complete:The Howling Man - A distraught man tells a weird tale...
Nick of Time - A honeymoon couple finds an unusually accurate fortune telling machine...
Nightmare at 20,000 Feet - An airline passenger starts seeing things on the wing of the plane...
Nothing in the Dark - An old woman tries to cheat Death...
Will the Real Martian Please Stand Up? - One of the stranded travelers in a roadside diner may be an alien...

Shalla: BEWARE OF IDENTITY THEFT

2008-11-26T12:37:00.000-08:00

Where's Shalla? SHALLA IN CANCUN, MEXICO & BORACAY, PHILIPPINES '08

2008-05-23T20:25:00.000-07:00

SEX AND THE CITY: Valley of the Twenty Something Guys

2008-04-18T15:08:00.000-07:00

Carrie discovers the limitations of going out with a twenty something hunk. Charlotte’s boyfriend has a sexual favor to ask; Samantha comes to the sobering realization that she’ll always be older than her boy toy.
“Did I mention I’m sleeping with him?”

Transcribed by Shalla DeGuzman www.shalladeguzman.com

Once upon a time… in a kingdom far away… a certain man—and a slightly less certain woman… kept bumping into one another. They seem to meet everywhere. On street corners, at parties. It was almost as if they were dating accidentally. And then, after another chance meeting at a wealthy lawyer’s son’s Bris… they decided to pick a time to bump into each other on purpose.
Saturday, 10:30. The hottest new restaurant in Manhattan. Samantha’s PR Firm was handling the opening…
(Girls greet each other, kiss)
Hi
Hey
So, isn’t Brian great?
Charlotte had a new boyfriend. He had her big three: looks, manners, money.
Did I tell you he wants to buy a painting from my gallery?
Love and a commission, she couldn’t have been happier.
Alright. It’s official, he’s late.
Who?
Mr. Big, who else?
Carrie, that’s great. Is it a date?
He called it a thing. He said, “Meet me… Meet me for a drink thing.”
He never used the D word.
Well, “thing” is good. I mean, “thing” comes before date.
Let’s hope so. I’m gonna go in.
Okay. See you in there.
Where did Skipper go?
Ugh, I don’t know how you can date that younger guy. I mean, they’re so scattered and convused.
We’re not dating. It’s a “fuck” thing.
Girls, isn’t this fun? I’ve turned away 20 so far. People are actually crying. (kissies)
(Inside. Carrie on the cell phone.) Oh, something came up. He’s not gonna meet me. Here, will you listen to this and tell me if you can figure out whether he’s not meeting me as a date or as a friend.
All right.
Sometimes you need a second opinion with doctors, real estate, men.
Well?
I have no idea. And I finished first in my litigation class.
How pathetic do I feel asking you if a guy kinda likes me.
There you are.
Hey, hey.
Carrie, Miranda, this is the hottest chef in New York, Jon.
Jon. J-O-N. No “H,” no last name. his blue crab strudel was so fabulous he didn’t need one.
And this is his very cute friend Sam.
Hey.
Sam? Who’s named Sam?
Me, can I get you a drink?
Oh, good luck. The bar is packed.
No problem cause the bartender is a buddy of mine.
Miranda?
Martini.
Twenty-something guys always know the really important “B” people. Busboys, bouncers. Plus, they have cute butts.
That’s the Times critic. I’d better go.
(long kiss) Did I mention I’m sleeping with him?
Skipper! He’s lost. We gotta get him.
They stopped making martinis, so I got us two rum and Cokes. Is that okay?
Well, I hate rum and I hate coke, but thanks.
Martinis, ladies.
Wow, look at you.
I was a waiter at TGIF.
Fabulous.
Hey, hey. Sam.
Skipper.
They liked each other immediately.
You wanna see something?
Can you narrow that down a little bit? Wait, I didn’t—
No fair. Do it over. Let me see.
Hey. It’s you.
I’ve been looking all over for you. Here you are, holding a tongue.
Well, your message said you weren’t coming.
I thought I said I’d try to make it for an hour.
Yeah, but then you said—
What did I say?
Never mind. You’re here, you have an hour. Let’s have a drink.
Well, I was outside trying to get in for 30 minutes inside looking for you for 20 leaving me with just enough time to tell you that I’m out of time. You have fun.
Men in their forties are like the NY Times Sunday crossword puzzle: tricky, complicated and you’re never really sure you’ve got the right answer.
This place is tired. Do you want to get out of here?
Sure. Why not? A short cab ride later, Samantha, Jon ‘no H’, Sam and I found ourselves at the nearby twenty-something club.
I can’t believe you made Jon leave his own opening.
He is way too happening to be seen someplace borderline tired.
It was a tough town, hot places had the lifespan of a medfly. Samantha, everybody in here is in their 20s.
And so are we.
As I glanced around the room, I was amazed at the wide variety of great twenty-something guys. The groovy guy. The corporate guy. The jock guy. The underage guy.
There you are. How are you? I see you found us.
Big couch.
Oh here.
That’ll work.
I’m not too heavy, am I?
Right. You weigh like nothing.
What’s cuter than that. As we took a swig from our pony-necked beers I remembered another type of twenty-something guy. So, what’s it like to kiss with that thing in?
You wanna find out?
The really good kisser guy.
Next day***
(phone) I am so fucked.
What’s wrong?
I have been fucked every way you can be fucked.
If you keep talking like that, I’m gonna have to charge you by the minute. As I searched for my morning Marlboro light, Samantha proceeded to give me a rundown of her night with Jon, no ‘h’ no inhibitions.
We did it with him on top, me on top, me on my side.
Him on his side?
Oh god yes. on his back, on his side on his face. Have you ever done that?
It’s too early to remember.
Well do it immediately, it is fabulous. These guys in their twenties they are up for anything. How did it go with you and Sam?
We kissed.
Just kissed.
No. we just kissed for 5 hours at the club, in front of the club, on the corner of the club. I forgot how much fun it is to just kiss, you know, even if I did only get 2 hours of sleep.
I didn’t sleep at all.
As Samantha went on about her sexcapades, I glanced down at my arm. There it was in Bic blue—twenty-something Sam’s phone number. I had this sudden urge to call, but I just left him. Hell, my lips were still swollen. Why this sudden craving? Are men in their twenties the new designer drug? Yes, Samantha, Miranda and I were all recreational users but were we getting into something we couldn’t handle? Okay, we were attracted to younger men for various reasons. But I couldn’t help but wonder: what do they see in us?
Women in their 30’s are just so grateful
(samples)
Later that week, Miranda and I compared notes. Shouldn’t we be dating men our own age?
Good luck finding one. There are no available men in their thirties in NY. Giuliani had them removed along with the homeless.
Then what’s really going on here?
Is it younger men feel safer?
What’s really going on here is sex. Good old fashioned eager to please do what I tell you to, Eagle Scout sex.
But I’m not having sex. It’s a kissing thing.
So what’s the big deal? It’s just a fling. It’s not like we’re throwing out our schedules or anything.
Oh sweetie, I gotta go. I’m late for a meeting with my editor.
Bye!
I didn’t want to tell her I cancelled lunch with my editor to go to Banana Republic and help twenty-something Sam pick out a shirt.
As I hand him a shirt, I think, he’s sweet, he’s fun, could he be a potential boyfriend?
(kissing)
Please! This isn’t the GAP.
And speaking of potential boyfriends later that week, the ‘crossword puzzle’ asked me to meet him for a drink blank. Not quite a date, 5 letters, starts with a T.

(Scenes missing)
But now, it wasn’t working. I wasn’t getting the same rush. Tonight, I needed more. Meanwhile, uptown, Charlotte wondered when relationships got complicated. She yearned for the time when dinner was followed by dessert, not lubricant.
I can’t Brian, I can’t. I want to, but I can’t. I mean actually, no that’s not true, I don’t’ want to. Or maybe I do. I don’t know what I want, but I’m afraid if I don’t you’ll dump me. And if I do, then I’ll be the ‘up the butt’ girl. I don’t wanna be the ‘up the butt’ girl, men don’t marry the ‘up the butt’ girl. Who ever heard of Mrs. ‘up the butt’ girl? No, no, no. I can’t. I want children and nice bedding and I just can’t handle this right now.
Can we fuck the regular way?
Yes, please.
That night, they made love the Charlotte way, polite and respectful on 300 count Egyptian cotton sheets.
Meanwhile, downtown…
That was really great. You know, when you lay like that you have the cutest little wrinkles on your neck.
Samantha realized as long as she dated someone younger she would always be older. She gave up twenty-somethings right then and there. As Samantha went cold turkey, I got in deeper and deeper. That was—
Totally awesome.
I was hooked, gone. Who cares about age, the crossword puzzle, the cab money I’d left on the table? This felt so good, I’d do anything to keep this high. And just when I thought I couldn’t get any higher, he spooned me. I woke up wanting more. Or maybe not. In the gray morning light, everything looked completely different. Candles from urban outfitter, dirty laundry, a pizza box. Suddenly reality hit. I’m in a twenty something apartment.
Good morning babe.
Good morning.
Fuck. I had this amazing dream. My father and my ex girlfriend were like dead or something. How are you doing? It’s good to see you.
Coffee. I need coffee.
It’s in the kitchen. I had these big hands, these big aluminum hands and I lived in this like big missile silo that was totally nuclear and it was surrounded by like my enemies and hit. And one by one they’d run at me! They got inside somehow. I don’t remember but they would like run at me and I would crush them to pieces with my big aluminum hands. I crushed this one guy, he had no face and stuff but I crushed him. I could crush anything with these big fucking hands, man.
You don’t have any coffee filters.
I’ll make that, that’s alright. Oh, you were in the dream as this beautiful unicorn woman with glass eyes.
You coffee. Me bathroom.
That would make a kick ass song wouldn’t it? Unicorn woman…
Ahh!
Oh that’s my roommate.
Every fiber in my 30 something being was screaming, ‘Get out, you’re too old for this.’ And just when I thought I couldn’t sink any lower—I need toilet paper.
I’m just using the last of it to make the coffee.
I decided the only way to break free was to move from one addiction to an even bigger one. Shoes. A couple of blocks and way too much money later I realized I had just entered an interesting chapter in my life. I had outgrown the boys in my past and not quite grown into the men of my future.
Hey. How are you?
Why is it in a city of 10 million men you always see the one you don’t want and never see the one you…
Hi, what are you doing down there?
It’s a wobbly table. Guess I have the touch. Would you care to join us?
Hinge.
What?
Your crossword puzzle. 5 letter word to bring together, hinge. Nice seeing you. Bye.
Bye.
Excuse me.
Hey, just so you know, I would’ve have gotten hinge on my own.
Maybe.
I have no doubt.
Now that I’ve got Jack hooked up, I’m single again. Maybe we can have dinner sometime.
I don’t know. I’m good at crossword puzzles. I’m just not so good at people puzzles.
Anywhere you want, just you and me.
Call me. As I walked away, I had a thought: maybe all men are a drug. Sometimes they bring you down, sometimes, like know, they make you so high. Damn, it would’ve been so cool if I hadn’t looked back.

Transcribed by Shalla DeGuzman www.shalladeguzman.com

SHALLA Magazine is Coming Soon!

2007-04-29T15:57:00.000-07:00

Shalla Takes Pictures for SHALLA Magazine...

Which one will make the cover?

What do you think???

Forrest Gump Script

2007-04-03T14:05:00.000-07:00

Hello.My name's Forrest. Forrest Gump.
Do you want a chocolate?

I could eatabout a million and a half of these.
My mama always saidlife was like a box of chocolates.
You never knowwhat you're going to get.

*for more

Sweet Home Alabama Script

2007-04-03T14:01:00.000-07:00

Come on, Jake.
- Slow down!

Hurry up, Jake!
- Melanie!

I gotta get home.
My mom's gonna kill me.

Wow, did you see that?

Well, answer the question!
- No!

No, you won't answer,
or no, you won't marry me?

Jake Perry, I'm years old.
I got too much to live for.

Not that way, you dolt!
Come on!

It's hot. Don't touch it.
We'll be safe here.

Says who?
- Everybody.

Lightning never strikes
the same place twice.

Why would you want to
marry me for anyhow?

So I can kiss you
any time I want.

I need more coffee, guys.

I'm gonna switch...
It's a warning!

Oh, my God.

You know, that accent of yours...

is a whole lot thicker
when you're dreaming.

*for more

SHALLA: Looking for Film Noir Scripts?

2006-11-29T11:57:00.000-08:00

Check out what Shalla found on Ask Yahoo:

Our first stop was Yahoo!'s non-commercial Screenplays category. From there we headed to Drew's Scripts-O-Rama -- the sunglasses next to the entry told us that this resource was recommended by Yahoo!'s Surfing department.

The Script-o-rama, an archive of movie and television screenplays available on the Net, primarily focuses on newer movies, but we did locate links to scripts for Casablanca (1942), Citizen Kane (1940), Hitchcock's Notorious (1946), and To Have and Have Not (1944). These movies are masterpieces, though not necessarily typical of the noir genre, despite their appearance on the lists we consulted.

Another site for screewriters, Scriptdude, offers a collection of over 100 screenplays in Adobe Portable Document format (.pdf), but again, the featured films tend to be contemporary releases.

Alas, there are many great works that are still inaccessible via the Internet, for free or for money. Hopefully, online screenplay collections will continue to grow, as time goes by...

And from So... You Wanna Sell a Script?

Maltese Falcon, The
Film Noir, Mystery
Adobe Acrobat format

Night of the Hunter, The
Thriller, Drama, Film Noir
HTML Document

Sunset Blvd.
Drama, Film Noir
HTML Document

Sweet Smell Of Success
Drama, Film Noir
HTML Document

Alfie Script - Dialogue Transcript

2006-10-23T14:26:00.000-07:00

Alfie Script --Seen the movie? Read the script :)

You're lucky, you know.

I rarely allow anyone into my flat.

I know, I know, I know.

Humble digs.

Not exactly what you'd call a ''panty peeler. ''

Do you know what I mean?

But it suits me just fine.

To be honest, I rarely spend a night in my own bed anyway.

You see, here's my theory:

For most women, if a guy's a good provider

and generally a nice chap, six-pack abs really aren't a deal-breaker.

On the flip side, however,

even though the PC boyfriend sat next to you

with his arm slung around your shoulder will deny it...

And he will deny it. For us boys, it's all about F.B.B.

Face. Boobs. Bum.

I'm just being honest.

It's been said that clothes speak the international language.

And I have to admit, I'm a bit of a fashion whore.

Unfortunately, today I've got work, and I have to tone it down a little bit,

but that's all right. Gucci. End-of-summer sale.

Very understated. And I can easily spice it up with...

What? No, no. I know what you are thinking.

If you ooze masculinity, like some of us do,

you have no reason to fear pink. Smashing.

Now, in the cologne department, most men overdo it.

Americans practically spray it on with a crop-duster.

My rule: Nothing above the neck,

though I do like a little splash on Big Ben.

You never know where the day may take you.

Almost forgot.

New word for the day.

''Ostentatious: The attempt to attract attention to oneself.''

For more: Drew's Script-O-Rama

*************

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All Nobel Laureates in Literature
SHALLA READS: Master Class in Fiction Writing: Techniques from Austen, Hemingway, and Other Greats
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SHALLA CHATS with Editors and Shalla Wins Writing Competition
Join Us! Seminar with Jerry D. Simmons, a former New York Publishing Executive

SHALLA HONORS Silent Super Star Charles "Buddy" Rogers

2006-10-15T11:59:00.000-07:00

Get Your Own! | View Slideshow

THE GOLDEN GIRLS--PILOT

2006-10-15T11:54:00.000-07:00

FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY

WRITTEN BY SUSAN HARRIS
DIRECTED BY JAY SANDRICH
PRODUCED BY PAUL JUNGER WITT AND TONY THOMAS

WITT/THOMAS/HARRIS PRODUCTIONS

FINAL DRAFT APRIL 12, 1985

CAST

DOROTHY
- BEA ARTHUR

ROSE
- BETTY WHITE

BLANCHE
- RUE McCLANAHAN

SOPHIA
- ESTELLE GETTY

COCO
- CHARLES LEVIN

HARRY
– not yet casted

MINISTER
- F. WILLIAM PARKER

COP
- MESHACH TAYLOR

ACT ONE
Scene 1:INT. LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN/LIVING ROOM ‑ EARLY EVENING
Scene 2: INT. BLANCHE'S BEDROOM ‑ CONTINUOUS ACTION
Scene 3: INT. LIVING ROOM ‑ CONTINUOUS ACTION
Scene 4: EXT. LANAI ‑ VERY LATE THAT NIGHT
Scene 5: INT. LIVING ROOM ‑ CONTINUOUS ACTION

ACT TWO
Scene 1: INT. LIVING ROOM ‑ CONTINUOUS ACTION
Scene 2: INT. BLANCHE'S BEDROOM ‑ SOME DAYS LATER
Scene 4: INT. LIVING ROOM ‑ A LITTLE WHILE LATER
Scene 5: EXT. LANAI ‑ THREE WEEKS LATER ‑ EVENING

THE GOLDEN GIRLS

ACT ONE / Scene 1
(FADE IN:)

INT. LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN/LIVING ROOM ‑ EARLY EVENING (DAY ONE)

(Dorothy, Rose, Blanche, Coco)
(DOROTHY ENTERS, CROSSES THROUGH THE LIVING ROOM, EXITS)

INT. KITCHEN
(COCO IS COOKING. DOROTHY ENTERS)

DOROTHY
I taught a class today -- the finest school in Dada County -‑ two girls had shaved heads and three boys had green hair.

COCO
They're expressing themselves.

DOROTHY
And I expressed myself. I told them to leave; they were too ugly to look at. Now the parents are mad. A father came in in a three piece suit and defended Tiffany, a bald girl with a nose ring.
(SHE LOOKS AT POT)
What is this?

COCO
Enchiladas Rancheros.

DOROTHY
Why don't you just shoot me.

(ROSE ENTERS)

ROSE
Hello.

COCO / DOROTHY
Hello, Rose.

ROSE
What a day. I had the saddest clients.

DOROTHY
Rose, you work at grief counseling.
What do you expect, comedians?

(ROSE THINKS A MINUTE)

ROSE
Well, they have grief. You think Bob Hope's happy when they don't laugh.

BLANCHE (0. S.)
Coco ‑

COCO
Yes, Blanche.

(BLANCHE ENTERS)

BLANCHE
Can I borrow your mink stole?

COCO
It's Miami in June. Only cats are wearing fur. Are you going out?

DOROTHY
No. she's going to sit here where it's a hundred and twelve degrees and eat enchiladas.

BLANCHE
I need some cucumbers to put on my eyes.

DOROTHY
You'll have trouble seeing, Blanche

BLANCHE
It's very good. It reduces puffiness.

ROSE
Does it work on thighs?

BLANCHE
I don't know. I don't need it on my thighs. (SHE EXITS)

ROSE
Who is she going out with?

COCO
Harry, again.

(COCO EXITS)

DOROTHY
Who is this Harry?

ROSE
All Blanche said was he still has his teeth and his hair.

DOROTHY
It's wonderful dating in Miami. All the single men under eighty are cocaine smugglers.

ROSE
I'd kill to be twenty again.

DOROTHY
I'd kill to be forty again. You know, I got the shock of my life today. I was in the teacher's lounge talking to some girls in their twenties. They were so pretty. At that age you don't even have to be pretty and you're pretty. Anyway, we were all talking and laughing together and I completely forgot I was older. I just became one of the girls. And I had such a good time, too. Then I got into my car and caught a glimpse of myself in the rearview mirror and almost had a heart attack. This old woman was in the mirror; I didn't recognize her.

ROSE
Who was it?

DOROTHY
It was me.

ROSE
Oh.

DOROTHY
I had felt so young, so like those girls, that I was totally unprepared for my face.

(COCO ENTERS)

ROSE
I know. It's shocking. Every time I look down, I see my mother's legs.

COCO
My legs are exactly the way they were when I was sixteen. In fact, last week I got carded.

DOROTHY
During a blackout.

COCO
Who cares? What is young? What is anything? What is blonde? What is pretty? What is wrinkles? It all changes. Inside is what stays the same.

ROSE
Oh, Coco. That is so wise. That is poetry. Isn't it, Dorothy?

DOROTHY
Why don't you write it down, Rose.

(BLANCHE ENTERS)

DOROTHY
Blanche ‑‑ who is Harry?

BLANCHE
My beau. He's wonderful. He's a real gentleman. He's very gallant. He's a great dancer and he doesn't make noises when he chews.

DOROTHY
Chewing. That's way up there on my list. Comes right after intelligent.

BLANCHE
He doesn't talk loud at the movies, he doesn't take his pulse, and he's still interested.

ROSE
In what?

DOROTHY
If you have to ask, it doesn't matter anymore.

BLANCHE
And he proposed.

(BLANCHE EXITS)

ROSE
Blanche, wait a minute

(DOROTHY AND ROSE EXIT)

INT. LIVING. ROOM ‑ CONTINUOUS
(ROSE AND DOROTHY ENTER)

ROSE (CONT'D)
He proposed? You've only‑known him a week.

BLANCHE
And he wants an answer tonight.

ROSE / DOROTHY
Tonight?

DOROTHY
What are you going to tell him?

BLANCHE
I don't know. He's very wonderful, but I've only known him a week.

ROSE
That's right.

BLANCHE
But I also don't want to lose him, so I don' t know what I'll tell him. Now I've got to put on my face.

(BLANCHE EXITS)

ROSE
Dorothy, what if she marries him? What will happen to us? This house is hers.

DOROTHY
Then we'll move.

ROSE
We can't afford to buy a house. What do we have as collateral, a gay cook? Dorothy, we'll become bag ladies.

DOROTHY
Rose, come on.

(COCO ENTERS)

ROSE
Blanche is going to get married.

COCO
She is?

DOROTHY
She hasn't said that,

ROSE
And then you'll get married and Coco'll meet a decorator and I'll be alone.

DOROTHY
Rose, how can I get married? I don't even have a date.

COCO
God, the first home I've had since eighth grade and it's going to break up. I can't stand it.

ROSE
You haven't had a home since eighth grade?

COCO
When my parents found out I was gay, my mother had a heart attack and died. My father re‑married, moved
and never left me his address.

DOROTHY
No one is getting married, Coco. No home is breaking up. Let's go talk to Blanche.

(DOROTHY EXITS)

ROSE
You're quite a guy, Coco. You've had such a hard life and you can still call yourself gay.

(ROSE EXITS) (CUT TO:)

Scene 2,

INT. BLANCHE'S BEDROOM ‑ CONTINUOUS ACTION (DAY ONE)
(Blanche, Dorothy, Rose)
(BLANCHE SITS AT MAKE‑UP TABLE APPLYING MAKE‑UP. DOROTHY
KNOCKS)

DOROTHY (O. S.)
Blanche?

BLANCHE
Come in.

(DOROTHY ENTERS)

DOROTHY
Blanche, your friend Harry wants an answer tonight. What are you going to say?

BLANCHE
I haven't decided. I guess I'll know when I hear the words come out of my mouth.

DOROTHY
You'll know when you hear it come out of your mouth? This isn't a belch, Blanche; this is
marriage. My God, you've got more colors than Benjamin Moore paints.

ROSE
You shouldn't rush into anything, Blanche. You hardly know him.

BLANCHE
What do you think my husband George would think of me and Harry?

DOROTHY
If he was alive, he probably wouldn't like it. Since he's dead, I don't think it's a problem.

BLANCHE
I just want George to know that I'm happy, but that I'll never be as happy with Harry in the same way as I was with him.

ROSE
He knows that,, Blanche. He knows. The thoughts and feelings go straight to him. You can communicate directly from your heart. Right, Dorothy?

DOROTHY
Don't ask me. I can't get through to New Jersey with MCI.

SFX: DOORBELL RINGS

BLANCHE
Ohl God, he's early. I haven't finished my face.

DOROTHY
The only thing left is to dip it in bronze. We'll get it.

For more: Un-Official

Rock You Features SHALLA

2006-09-04T10:00:00.000-07:00

| View | Add Favorite

My Family: Blind Justice (2005)

2006-06-17T17:37:00.000-07:00

My Family

*
UK, BBC (DLT Entertainment UK/Rude Boy Productions), Sitcom, colour, 2000
Starring: Robert Lindsay, Zoe Wanamaker, Kris Marshall

Ben is the harassed centre of the Harper family. His wife Susan is intelligent, sharp, witty and something of a control freak, and their still-loving marriage is a vehicle that may squeak but nonetheless keeps moving along. *for more

Scene 1 In the kitchen, Ben enters

All right, dad. Look.
Nick, that’s, uh, that’s so, um… ah, you shouldn’t have. That’s that’s really—
It’s well wrapped, isn’t it?
Yes. Yes, it’s well wrapped. Yes. You didn’t have to buy me a good luck present.
I didn’t.
It’s the salt, Nick, it’s the salt.
What’s this, English for the stupid?
Nick’s wrapped the salt seller.
I’m trying to be a wrapping artist. Like the great Christo, you know. He wraps up huge monuments for art to elicit emotional response.
Like irritation?
Good, good, go with that, go with that.
How about wrapping up the rubbish? Then you can put it in the dust bin.
But that will mean a switch from the artistic to the merely functional.
Oh, and you would never want to be functional.
Exactly, you’re on my wavelength there.
That explains the static.
Ah, got to go.
You’re wearing that, are you, Ben?
Apparently I am.
No, it’s just that if this were my first day of jury duty, I would have dressed up for the occasion.
You’d be wearing a long gown, a curly wig, and a black cap.
No, I’d love to be on jury duty. Put something back into society. Show how much I care. Might get a nice, juicy murder.
Oh, very caring.
No, it’ll be so exciting. Exhibit A, exhibit B, silence in court. Let’s reexamine the evidence before us, my lad. Exhibit C.
Susan, you do realize I’ll be forbidden from discussing the case with you, okay? Or for that matter… anything else, ever again. Of course, we can still have sex.
Don’t kid yourself.

Scene 2 Susan enters the bedroom carrying a pile of clothes.

Oh, why does he have to be so… (Susan flips the blanket over and finds her son naked with a girl) In bed?
Mum, um, I, uh—we, um. Did I mention I had the afternoon off?
No, no, no, that’s perfectly fine. I’m cool with this. (steps back)
I’m okay, you’re okay, I mean…
You’re 16, going on 17. I’m cool, I’m cool. (Susan exits, looking dumbstruck, her daughter catches her)
If cows sleep standing up and sit down when it rains, what do they do if it rains while they’re sleeping?
Susan’s still in shock.
I know, it is a real brainteaser.
Did you Michael had the afternoon off?
Are you okay?
Yes, I’m absolutely fine?
(Susan bumps into the wall)

Scene 3 Susan and Abi in the livingroom

Shouldn’t I run you to the doctor’s?
No, Abi, Abi, it’s nothing really, technically, it’s known as blindness. (sips coffee)
Oh, what kind of blindness?
Blindness.
Coughing blindness?
Psychologists call it hysterical blindness, but they’re wrong. I see it more as stress-related myopia.
What was the stress?
I went to Michael’s room and… it was a total mess.
Wow, at least you didn’t see the girl he had up there. (Abi laughs)
I don’t want to talk about it. Anyway, it’s just temporary, a little stress thing. It’s happened to me once before.
Really?
Yes, during my first driving test.
Did you pass?
Yes, and I took it 10 more times because I liked passing. Of course, I failed, I was temporarily blind.
Okay. How many fingers am I holding up?
Abi, I can’t see.
I’ll give you a clue, it’s between 1 and 3.
Oh, for god’s sake.
Don’t feel so bad, it was 2. maybe, I should ring Ben and let him know.
No, no, Abi, no, Abi, you musn’t. if he finds out my response to see Michael in bed with a girl was to get hysterical blindness then he’ll think I responded… hysterically.
Oh, didn’t you, then?
Of course not.
This isn’t me, it’s just my body letting me down. I don’t want him thinking I’m an uptight reactionary. Ust because my eyes are open are prudish.
Your eyes aren’t prudish. They’re more periwinkle blue.
Look, look, just let me sit here quietly until my sight comes back. Oh, crap.

Scene 4 Courtroom, Ben enters

Yeah, this is my kind of trial—over in time to get to the pub.
British justice, wonderful thing.
Um, I shall be just outside the door if you want anything.
Cappuccino, easy on the froth. (Ben bumps into a woman)Oh, sorry, go ahead.
Don’t patronize me.
Okay, I won’t. (Ben sits on the empty chair)
I want to sit there.
Mm—I want you to sit here so much. But even more, I don’t want to patronize you. Can we got on, please?
Yes, can we get on?
I doubt it, you’re not my type. (Ben chuckles)
(Woman eyes him)
Okay (Ben gets up)
(Woman sits on the chair)
Right, let’s get this show on the road and out of here.
The correct procedure—edsin Taylor vandalized his ex-boss’ office by placing a decomposing haddock in the heating duct.
Guilty as hell. Show of hands.
The correct procedure is to elect a foreman from amongst us which we will proceed to do after we have all proceeded to introduce ourselves.
Why bother? We’re never going to meet again.
So, let’s go around the table, starting with me. My name’s Joanna Elton Johns.
Elton Johns? (Ben chuckles and claps)
It’s my name.
Yes, I think so. It’s your name.
And what’s yours?
My name’s Ben, Ben Judy Garlands. (chuckles)

SHALLA TALKS...

2006-06-06T18:27:00.000-07:00

Coming Soon!

Golden Girls: Miles to Go (1991)

2005-12-20T14:21:00.000-08:00

Miles to Go (1991) Miles (Harold Gould) lied about his job background.

Scene 1: In the kitchen, Blanche is inspecting a new sequined silver dress when Dorothy enters.

DOROTHY: Hi Blanche.

BLANCHE: Oh, hi, how was school day?

DOROTHY: Pretty good, almost half the class came back after the fire drill.

BLANCHE: Uh, price tag pinned to right sleeve. (arranging tags)

DOROTHY: What are you doing?

BLANCHE: Oh, I’m taking the tags off this dress and saving them so I can put them back on again tomorrow. That way when I take it back, they won’t know I’ve worn it.

DOROTHY: You’re going to wear a dress and then return it, Blanche, that’s illegal.

BLANCHE: Oh, it is not illegal. It’s just wrong. (touches her earring)
See, I love the dress but I can’t afford it—not $300 worth—and I have a late date tonight, so I want to look stunning for it. Besides, it’s not like I’m not going to wear it all that much—I’m just going to put it on and take it off, then put it on, come home, and take it off again. (sips her coffee)

DOROTHY: (hand on chin)

SOPHIA: Dorothy, great news—Gladys Goldfein called. She’s taking me to see Tony Bennett.

BLANCHE: Oh, Sophia, that’s terrific.

SOPHIA: What that man does to me with his voice your father couldn’t accomplish with his hands.

BLANCHE: Oh, I kow what you’re talking about Sophia. There are men’s voices that get me going like that, too.

DOROTHY: Blanche, there are men’s socks that can get you going.

ROSE: Hi everybody.

BLANCHE: Hi.

ROSE: And do we all remember what today is?

SOPHIA: I’ll go out on a limb and say Thursday, but you can’t go by me. I’m in and out of my children’s first names.

ROSE: It’s the 117th anniversary of the birth of Robert Frost.

SOPHIA: I love him. Always nipping at your nose.

ROSE: That was Jack Frost. Robert Frost is the guy who interviewed Richard Nixon on TV. (chuckles) Who’s the dumb one now?

DOROTHY: Ah, you’re still the reigning champ Rose. That was David Frost. Robert Frost was a famous American poet.

SOPHIA: And when I was with him, he was always nipping at my nose.

ROSE: Miles is cooking dinner to celebrate Frost’s birthday. He invited us all, and we accepted.

BLANCHE: I don’t remember ever agreeing to that.

ROSE: Sure you did. I distinctly remember you said, “Oh, boy! Miles reading poetry, sign me up, sign me up.” You sounded pretty definite.

BLANCHE: Sarcasm, Rose, that’s like when I say you’re so lucky to be a natural blonde.

ROSE: (smiles) Thank you.

SOPHIA: All right, we’ll go. But I’d rather stay home and eat flot.

Scene 2: At Miles apartment

MILES: Overall then, what I’d say Frost is most significantly remembered for is his simple, clear use of uncomplicated imagery to express the quiet values of a rural New England life.

SOPHIA: Are we home yet?

BLANCHE: My, oh, my, oh, my, just look at all the other places to be. (spins globe)

MILES: It is amazing, isn’t it? How with a few carefully chosen words, a poet can convey the immediacy of a specific life experience.

ROSE: You don’t have to tell me. Remember, I grew up in a small farm town. Here a quack, there a quack… everywhere… a quack quack.

SOPHIA: Hey, look, there’s a black guy doing the news, and it isn’t even the weekend.

DOROTHY: Ma, did you turn that on?

SOPHIA: Poltergeist.

NEWSCASTER: Thanks, Steve. And lord knows, we can use the rain. In the news this hour—one of the FBI’s 10 most wanted criminal, escaped convict and underworld kingpin Mickey “the cheeseman” Moran is dead.

DOROTHY: Ma, turn it off. Now.

MILES: No. (closes book)Let’s just hear that to the end.

NEWSCASTER: He was blown up this morning outside his home in suburban Chicago by a bomb attached to the ignition of his car. A violent end to a violent man.

MILES: You know, ladies, what do you say we take a rain check on the poetry reading?

SOPHIA: I’d say no dice. Doesn’t a rain check mean we have to come back?

DOROTHY: (laughs) When she kids you like that, it means she likes you.

MILES: Well, I do have a few papers to grade, and I could use the time. Here, Rose, here are the poems I was going to read. (hands book) Look, why don’t you look them over and we’ll discuss them next time we’re all together, hum?

BLANCHE: So long.

MILES: Bye Blanche.

BLANCHE: Actually, I was describing the evening. (leaves)

MILES: (dials phone) Yeah, Burnett? Miles Weber. I just heard about the cheeseman on TV. Can it be? Am I free?

Scene 3: In kitchen, phone rings

SOPHIA: Hello? Oh, Gladys Bubbie. You what? Goldfein, I put a Sicilian curse on you. You’ll be barren. Okay, worse, you won’t be barren. And you know what else, Goldfein? That sandwich I gave you yesterday? It was ham!

DOROTHY: Ma, what is it?

SOPHIA: Gladys want to take a man to Tony Bennett in my place.

BLANCHE: Oh, Sophia, calm down. Honey, it’s all right if you want to drop your girlfriend because a man asks you out. That’s the law of the jungle.

SOPHIA: Thank you, Sheena, queen of the slut people.

DOROTHY: Ma, Gladys is your best friend. She didn’t do this to you’re your feelings. It was probably an accident. She must have forgotten that she already invited you.

SOPHIA: Let me tell you something, pussycat, there are no accidents. Nobody wrongs someone without meaning it.

DOROTHY: Come on, that’s ridiculous.

BLANCHE: Ahh! Ahhh! (coffee thrown on new dress)

DOROTHY: Oh, I’m sorry.

BLANCHE: I was going to take this dress back.

DOROTHY: I am sorry Blanche.

BLANCHE: You’re sorry?

DOROTHY: Oh, come on, it was an accident.

SOPHIA: Or was it?

BLANCHE: Well, I’ll tell you one thing—you are paying for this dress.

DOROTHY: I am not paying for the dress. I will pay for the dry cleaning and that’s all. I told you before, (goes to living room) you can’t return something after it’s been worn)

BLANCHE: I certainly can’t now, after your little spasm. I wanted to wear something tonight that Duane’s never seen me in.

SOPHIA: Maybe you should try underwear. (spins away as doorbell chimes)

ROSE: Miles, I thought you were grading papers.

MILES: No, I wasn’t. I lied.

ROSE: Oh my God, what were you grading?

MILES: Rose, Rose, I have wonderful news. But I think you better sit down first before you hear it.

ROSE: Ok, you’re the professor.

MILES: Well, you see, I’m not. I’m not really a professor.

ROSE: What?

MILES: My name is not really Miles Weber.

ROSE: Well, then… (looks around) What are you talking about Miles?

MILES: Rose, my real name is Nicholas Carbone. I was an accountant in Chicago, and my biggest client was the dead man we saw on the TV news bulletin this evening.

ROSE: The Cheeseman?

MILES: That’s right, but, Rose, you have to believe me. By the time I found out, I was too deeply involved. I was arrested. The FEDS tried to pin everything on me.

ROSE: You mean… did they –have you been to prison?

MILES: Oh, no. I couldn’t let that happen. Can you imagine what my life would have been like if the other inmates found out how much I love to dance? No. The D.A. offered me a deal and I turned state’s evidence which put my client Mr. Moran away for a long, long time. Do you understand what I’m saying?

SOPHIA: Yeah, you’re a snitch.

MILES: I’m not a snitch. I’m an informant.

SOPHIA: Oh, a snitch in a tie.

MILES: The point is, it all would have been behind me but he escaped. The government had to put me in the witness protection program, gave me a new name, a new job –whole new identity.

ROSE: I don’t know what to say. I can’t believe this story you’re telling me.

DOROTHY: But you can believe the story about Henrik Felderstuhl, St. Olaf’s half-man, half-grasshopper?

ROSE: Dorothy, I’m telling you, when he rubbed his legs together, you’d swear you were on a camping trip.

SOPHIA: Ok, let me get this straight, you mean to tell me you are personally acquainted with men who do bodily harm to private citizens for money?

MILES: I can’t deny it, Sophia, yes.

SOPHIA: Then take down this address. Gladys Goldfein, 327—

DOROTHY: Ma!

MILES: Rose, I know this is a little overwhelming for you. But try to look at it through my eyes. I have my life back now for the first time in years, I’ve been able to call my friends and let them know where I am.

ROSE: Well, you may have your life back, but I’ve had the rug pulled out from under mine.

MILES: Look, I know it sounds awful, but it’s not. I can be free. I go back to Chicago, and sweetheart, I want you there with me.

ROSE: Chicago? Go to Chicago? I don’t even know you! (throws book and runs off)

Scene 3 In the kitchen

BLANCHE: Oh, Rose, honey, we know how confused you must feel, but no matter how unfocused your emotions are, you must try to express them. So just go ahead and cry if you want to or scream or throw things if you have to. But let those feelings out, honey. Let them fill this room.

ROSE: (chest heaves) Heck!

BLANCHE: I know, baby, I know. (wraps arm around her)

DOROTHY: Oh, Rose, this is terrible. You have been robbed of the most basic sense of security. You know, no matter what else is happening, at the very least I know that when I come home at night you are you, Blanche is Blanche, and ma, if she’s taken her medication is my mother.

ROSE: I don’t know what’s real anymore. When I think of the things I’ve told Miles –the things he’s told me, the things we’ve told each other, things we’ve said in a restaurant, things we’ve said on our way to a restaurant, things we’ve said on the way home—

DOROTHY: The two of you shared! We get it!

ROSE: But who was I sharing with? If you say something to somebody who isn’t really who he is, have you actually said anything or not? And if he’s heard it as someone he really isn’t, has anything you’ve said actually been heard?

SOPHIA: Sorry, I wasn’t listening.

DOROTHY: She wants to know what to do about Miles.

SOPHIA: Drop him.

DOROTHY: Ma.

SOPHIA: When someone you trusted tells you something that later turns out not to be true, wash your hands of them give him the boot. Drop him.

DOROTHY: A little bit of Gladys Goldfein slipping into this opinion, ma?

SOPHIA: Who else are we talking about?

ROSE: Now I know how my friend Mary Jan von Helfenphfelfer felt.

BLANCHE: Oh, well, considering what you’ve been through, go ahead, Rose.

ROSE: She took a vacation to Mexico, and she found this poor, scrawny, helpless little Chihuahua puppy on the street, and she brought it home to St. Olaf with her. And she nurse it back to health. She loved it. She took it to bed with her. She taught it to fetch. She’d throw a ball, and he’d bring it back, and she’d throw a ball and he’d bring it back. Well, Ig uses I don’t have tot ell you that’s pretty much what fetch is. (makes throwing motion)

DOROTHY: How much longer are we going to circle the airport, Rose? You want to bring this baby in?

ROSE: Well, when she took the puppy in to get shots, the vet told her the bad news. He said, Mary Jane, this is no Chihuahua. This is a rat.

BLANCHE: (Blanche stretches her arms and gives her a sideway glance)

SOPHIA: (Sophia gives a sideway glance at the others)

DOROTHY: (Dorothy looks straight at her for a long time, clasps her hands under her chin) And the point, Aesop?

ROSE: I thought Miles was a chihuahuah. It turns out he was a rat.

SOPHIA: You know, I once prepared a six-course meal with what I thought was chicken. But it turned out to be—

DOROTHY: Ma! Rose, in my heart, I cannot believe that Miles is a rat. He just fell in with the wrong people, that’s all. Now, look, I know you have a date with him tomorrow night, keep it. I’m sure you’ll fine he’s the same caring, sensitive man you’ve known all along. (turns to Sophia) My God, it wasn’t my confirmation dinner, was it?!

SOPHIA: (blinks several times) Your pop sure made everyone laugh when he made the little feet dance.

DOROTHY: (hand to chest, looking disgusted)

Scene 4 Living room, Rose enters thru front door

DOROTHY: Rose, how did your date go?

ROSE: Oh, Dorothy, you were absolutely right. It was better than I could have dreamed. When we sat down to our meal, Nick ordered a whiskey neat and a shrimp cocktail which was positively uncanny because Miles always began his meal with a whiskey neat and a shrimp cocktail.

DOROTHY: You haven’t had much experience with the uncanny, have you Rose?

BLANCHE: Oh, Rose, I thought I heard your voice. Now I want you start at the beginning and tell us everything.

SOPHIA: Booze, shrimp, you’re up to speed. Go Rose.

ROSE: Well, to begin with, I had an absolutely fantastic time. He’s the same man. The man I love, and that’s why I told him… I’d go to Chicago with him.

DOROTHY: You’d what? (sits up, happy)

BLANCHE: You’re not moving, are you?

ROSE: Only for 3 months, just so he can clean up his business then we’ll come back.

DOROTHY: Oh, Rose, I’m so happy everything worked out.

SOPHIA: Rose, I never thought I’d say this, (put a hand on her shoulder) but I’m going to miss you. Your laugh, your smile, your St. Olaf stories… okay, I’m over it now.

Scene 5 Living room

(Sophia’s cleaning, dusting the table and placing flower arrangement)

DOROTHY: Gee, ma, I think it’s nice how things are working out for Rose and Miles.

SOPHIA: Well, it had to happen sometime, pussycat.

(Doorbell rings.)

Rose found a man—

and pretty soon blanche will find a man and before you know it, you... you should buy a parakeet or something.

DOROTHY: (opens door) Gladys! Honey, how are you?

GLADYS: Fine, Dorothy. Is your mother home?

DOROTHY: Uh… (Sophia’s motioning to her) No, I can’t say that she is.

GLADYS: I’ve been trying to call, but she keeps hanging up. You sure she isn’t home?

DOROTHY: (Sophia’s motioning to her) No, I still can’t say that, no. Would you like to leave a message?

GLADYS: Oh, I don’t know. I just wanted to apologize.

SOPHIA: (pushes Dorothy aside) What took you so long?

DOROTHY: Ma, when did you get in?

SOPHIA: Oh, Dorothy, grow up. So, are you reading from a prepared statement, Goldfein? Or are you feeling cocky enough to wing it?

GLADYS: I came because I was thinking at our age, the last thing you say to somebody might be the last thing you say. So I just want you to know that I’m sorry, Sophia. I want to take you to the concert. (pulls out tickets from bag)

SOPHIA: Bubbie! (shoots arms out)

GLADYS: Faccia bella!

(they hug)

SOPHIA: Dorothy learn from this. This is what friendships are built on—loyalty, mutual respect, trust—give me my ticket. (snatches them and reads)

GLADYS: What?

SOPHIA: Gladys, you yutz, these aren’t for Tony Bennett. They’re for Tony Martin.

GLADYS: Of course they’re for Tony Martin. You think I’d cam overnight for tickets to Tony Bennett?

SOPHIA: Tell you what, sweetheart, take Milton. Have a swell time. Only this time, don’t throw your underwear on stage.

GLADYS: Then why go?

SOPHIA: Why couldn’t they put Tony Bennett and Tony Martin on the same bill? (sits down on couch) Ah who am I kidding? There will never be another Woodstock. (throws arms looking up)

BLANCHE: (enters) I am never shopping at Fiedler Brothers again.

DOROTHY: I beg your pardon?

BLANCHE: It’s a little late for that. I’ve never been so humiliated in my life.

DOROTHY: What about the time you lost the key to your handcuffs and had to go with that guy on his mail route?

BLANCHE: (readjusts dress) It seems that before I returned the dress I was so busy putting the price tags back on, I neglected to remove the dry cleaning tag. Not only did they refuse to take the dress back, the store manager had the gall to accuse me of being dishonest. (looks at her nails)

DOROTHY: Oh, that’s terrible, Blanche. If I were you, I’d take my dishonesty elsewhere.

BLANCHE: They made me pay. $300 for a dress I didn’t even want.

DOROTHY: Blanche, it’s only fair. You tried something crooked, and you got caught. Now you’re going to have to scrimp and cut corners and find some way to pay for it.

BLANCHE: I already have. The rent increases go into effect tomorrow. All except Sophia.

DOROTHY: Why not her?

BLANCHE: The rent increase was her idea.

SOPHIA: So, I’m the one musketeer. I’ll make new friends.

ROSE: You won’t believe the horrible thing I just heard on the radio.

DOROTHY: Oh, Rose, we go through this everytime. This is merely a test. In the event of an actual emergency…

ROSE: No! The news! I was just listening to the news, and the cheeseman isn’t dead.

DOROTHY: What?

ROSE: A coroner’s investigation proved that Moran staged the whole thing.

BLANCHE: He’s alive, and he knows Miles is seeing Rose and Rose knows me, and they always hold the prettiest one hostage.

DOROTHY: (shakes head)

BLANCHE: Oh, if I could just do something to make myself less attractive.

SOPHIA: Try soap and water.

BLANCHE: (throws head back)

ROSE: I have to call Miles. He must be out of his mind with worry…

MILES: Rose! (enters from glass door)

ROSE: Oh, darling, we heard.

MILES: Rose, it’s awful. (hugs her) Look, we don’t have much time.

DOROTHY: Oh, I’m so sorry about this Miles.

SOPHIA: Can we get this guy out of here? I don’t want to be killed at my age. That would be like getting tackled on the one-yard line.

MILES: Rose, you realize that Chicago is out of the picture now.

ROSE: There’s no way we can just stay in Miami?

MILES: No, no, that’s impossible too sweetheart. Look, I don’t know where the government’s going to move us. But all I do know is that everything’s going to be fine as long as the two of us are together.

ROSE: I can’t believe this is happening. Maybe we better try Springfield. He’d never find us in Springfield.

MILES: Which Springfield?

ROSE: Aha! Girls don’t worry, soon as Miles and I are settled, we’ll let you know where we are.

MILES: No Rose, I’m afraid we won’t be able to let anybody know where we are.

BLANCHE: But we won’t tell a soul even when we come to visit.

MILES: You can’t visit, it’s too dangerous.

DOROTHY: But at least we’ll be able to phone.

MILES: No, I’m sorry.

ROSE: What about my children?

MILES: Rose, it’s just too risky for us and for them.

ROSE: Oh, Miles, this is an impossible decision. Oh, I love you so much.

MILES: Rose, I love you too.

ROSE: But I also love my friends and my family, and the thought of leaving…I’m sorry.

MILES: All right. I understand.

ROSE: Oh, I’m going to miss you Miles.

MILES: Rose, there won’t be a day (hugs her) I won’t be thinking about you. Good bye, Rose, darling. (they kiss) You take good care of her, ladies. (runs to front door)

ROSE: Miles, your poetry book.

MILES: Keep it. And when you read page 73, think of me. (leaves)

ROSE: (clasps book, then drops down and opens it to the page)

And when to the heart of man was it ever less than a treason to bow and accept the end of a love or of a season…

Secret Lives of Women: Transsexuals

2005-12-20T13:16:00.000-08:00

SECRET LIVES OF WOMEN: TRANSSEXUAL

Chris Blehar wants a very special birthday present, and it's not something you can pick up at your local mall.

For his 50th, Chris will undergo surgery to become a woman. Will he adapt to this new life, and will his family be able to accept their former son?

One year of continual hormone therapy and one year of full time life experience is required before SRS is performed in the U.S.

Well, I’ve been on hormones for two years and I’ve pretty much up to the point of surgery. (man shaving) You know, with the electrolysis and the hormones together, my uh, skin’s become very soft. I have to be very careful shaving make sure I don’t cut myself like I use to. It means I’m more adaptable to it now. My skin come out very soft, very nice. (he is wearing a pink bra)

Yeah, the hormone therapy, um, provides you the natural breasts you would have, if you had been born a woman. It’s a really interesting process to watch this happening, you just take some shots and pills and, for my breasts to grow like that. So I could still develop up to uh, four years, you know, it—they could still grow but, uh, they haven’t grown much in the last, uh, six months. So that’s why I’ve decided to go through the breast augmentation, I Want ‘em a little bigger than what they are.

I never liked to look in the mirror, my whole life, you know, just, that was an act. My body I really didn’t hate it (shakes his head) but I didn’t like it either. So it was really nothing to look at. (powders face) And now as I’m developing, except for one area (puts on lipstick) I just love to look at myself in the mirror, you know? I’m not being conceited it’s just I’m achieving what I’ve only dreamt about. (applies silver eye shadow)

Your hair on your head is thicker (brushes hair). The body just takes off immediately, it’s just like, it’s been waiting to become female. And for me it’s like finally going through puberty. 40 years late, but puberty at last. My life started with hormone therapy, and if I die tomorrow, I’ve had two years of happiness in my life. (smiling ear to ear)

Mother: We knew something was wrong. He was always unhappy you know, and we couldn’t understand why.

(country streets) I grew up in Redcliff Kentucky, about 30 miles South of Louisville a small town of like 155,000 people growing up…very small.

He is the middle child, I have 3 boys, they all three of ‘em are fifeent. They just really as different as daylight and dark.

I don’t know how much I realized it when I was 5, but looking back I can say, I was, I was pretty much thinking as a female then. What propels a person to go put on my mother’s clothes and start dressing? At that age what do you know in life, you know? You just go and, and you put on a bra and you put on a night gown and what drives you to do that? It’s a normal development of a young girl. (pictures of him as a cub scout)

And then at 10 I started noticing boys and then I started wondering what was going on. And then I hear talk about a phase you go through, you know. I thought, well, this is just a phase. I should be all right, you know? But then at 13, um, I realized it wasn’t a phase. And it was very hard for me. (shakes his head) Trying to deal with not beding a normal boy, I mean, I didn’t know what I was going through. I’m trying to, to compensate, I guess for what’s missing in my life.

***
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COUPLING: The Girl With Two Breasts (2000)

2005-11-25T13:44:00.000-08:00

COUPLING: The Girl With Two Breasts (2000)

Jeff is enthralled with a foreign woman who doesn’t understand English.

Jack Davenport, Gina Bellamn, Sarha Alexander.

At a Bar Patrick is carrying drinks and checks out a big breasted woman’s cleavage.

JEFF: Georgia, no, it’s too ordinary.

Sophia.

No, it’s too obvious.

I was right, it’s a foreign language book.

That’s good.

Why?

Intellectual depth. She’s learned a new language. There’s a bit more to her than just the potential for nudity.

That’s not bad, Jeff. Here’s the first time you’ve managed to express a view without lowering my opinion of you.

Plus, learning a new language is like a whole workout for the mouth.

There are times when I worry about the way you see women.

I see women as people in their own right.

In many ways, they are.

You see women as transport for breasts.

Hey, I can see past, I can see past breasts now, Steve. I need more than that.

I can tell.

I need breasts with brains. I don’t mean individual brains obviously.

Well, no.

I mean, not a brain each. You know, I like intelligent women, but you’ve got to draw the line somewhere.

And you draw the line at intelligent breasts.

Well, I think breast brains would be over-egging the woman pudding.

Besides, it would give breast the power of independent thought, and the next thing is, they don’t get on. There’s a clash of personalities.

Yes, so often happens with similar people in similar jobs, working in the same bra.

Exactly.

I mean, what if a fight broke out?

It’s going to be a tough image to shake, really, isn’t it?

Do you know, I’ve got an idea for a new film.

(Steve an Patrick sigh as woman adjusts her dress)

do you know what would be the best way to wipe out all of human kind if I were a space alien with a special kind of mind ray?

No, I don’t believe it’s ever come up, mate.

Make all women telepathic. Because if they suddenly found out about the kind of stuff that goes on in our heads, they’d kill us all on the spot. Men are not people, we are disgustoids in human form.

“Wobble Wars.”

What?

“Wobble Wars,” the title for the new porn film about the battling breast brains.

In the event of a mind ray alert, stand next to Patrick.

Yeah, but we’re all the same as Patrick. See, women think we’re normal, like them, because we talk to them like normal people. You know, we say, “hello, how are you? Haven’t seen you in this place before. What kind of music do you like?” but all the time, in our brains, we’ve got the word “breasts” on a loop. If we ever lost control for a second, we’d all start shouting “breasts, breasts, breasts, breasts, breasts.”

Did you see that?

Yeah, I certainly did.

You got a glance, Jeff.ss

Yeah, that confirmed that was a first glance. We have confirmed glancing.

Okay, time to maximize your advantage. Get over there and talk to her,. Don’t say “breasts.”

I can’t talk to her now.

Why not?

We’ve been watching her for an hour.

So?

What do you mean, so?

I’m way past the nudity buffer, be serious.

When you say things like “nudity buffer,” do you actually expect people to understand what you’re talking about?

Jeff chuckles. Right When you first see an attractive woman, you’ve got a nudity buffer of maybe five minutes before you’ve fully mapped out what she looks like naked.

A whole five?

Yeah, well, you’ve got to assess her nipple type. That takes time.

Good point.

If you don’t get in there and talk to her during the first five minutes, it’s too late. Because then she’ll be naked in your head and you’ll forget rule one of playing it cool.

Which is?

Only smile at her face.

(Woman smiles at Jeff)

forget the nudity brother, she just did another glance.

Forget it, forget the power of the buffer, Patrick? Did I tell you about the little redhead in my office?

Never mind about the little redhead.

Been there two years, but I missed the buffer. That redhead has been naked in my head for two years now, performing deviant sex acts that would make the world’s top porn stars go white and steady themselves on the furniture. I lose the ability to speak the moment she comes into the room. Every time she passes me in a corridor, I walk sideways into the wall. She thinks I’m a mute with a balance problem.

Jesus, definitely a look, possibly even a linger.

Right, if she touches her hair, you’re in.

Her hair?

Their second thoughs is always to worry about their hair.

What, when they see someone they like?

Just generally.

This is not a drill!

Right, if she angles an extremity in your direction, we’re in business.

Incoming.

Right, Mr. Spock, put the Enterprise on Red alert. And you know what that means Captain Kirk, it is time to shag the alien’s girlfriend.

Do you remember when Captain Kirk saw a beautiful woman, the screen would go all misty. I thought his eyes were steaming up because he was so excited. Every time I talked ot a girl in my class I tried to make my eyes steam up. They called me Scary Jeff.

Scary Jeff, beam over.

I can’t.

Just get over there, get us some drinks, start chatting casually, it’s dead easy. And the next time you walk past the office redhead, you’ll just smile.

No, I tried smiling at her once, I destroyed a water cooler.

Go.

(Jeff stands) I’ve got all that digustoid stuff in my head now. What if I say “gusset” accidentally?

My advice?

Yes.

Don’t.

Thanks.

Any time.

(Jeff walk to the woman and tries to move in)

Two minds, one bra?

No, I preferred “Wobble Wars.”

You can read.

(She looks at him, smiling)

I mean, you are reading. Sorry. It’s nice to see people reading. Not a lot of people read these days. People prefer to, um… hear. But all this hearing is just reading for lazy people. Kids today should be prepared to pick up a book, and not just go around the whole time with all these modern… ears. Sometimes I just want to rip people’s ears off and say, “read a book for god’s sake.” Well, actually, I’d probably say “read a book” first and then rip their ears off, otherwise they wouldn’t hear me. Actually, I probably wouldn’t rip their ears off at all. I’m not a violent person. I like ears, especially women ears, they’re my favorite. I don’t mean I collect them or anything. I don’t have a big bucket of women ears hidden away somewhere. No, no, no, I’m not after your ears really, not that there’s anything wrong with your ears, you know, if I was some kind of mad ear person, your ears would be the pride of my, um, ear bucket. Oh, my god.

(Woman speaks Hebrew)

I forgot how to understand English. I hate it when that happens.

She’s from Israel. She speaks Hebrew. (The women speak Hebrew to each other)

So sorry I exist. Men get so disappointed whent eh flat-chested friend turns up.

Well, that’s a bit unfair. It’s hardly your fault.

Thank you.

(breathing heavily) so, she doesn’t understand a word I’ve been saying?

Nope.

Result! (laughs)

Result?

That’s the first good thing that’s ever happened to me every, ever!

(Speaking Hebrew)

she’s apologizing for letting you talk so long.

No, no, no, no! It’s great! I was explaining how I collect women’s ears.

(Speaking Hebrew)

HAPPY HOLIDAYS! Shalla Finds More Scripts

2005-11-19T06:30:00.000-08:00

Looking for more scripts?

Drew Script-O-rama

***

H A P P Y H O L I D A Y S !

Happy Halloween!

2005-10-11T10:34:00.000-07:00

Why do witches use brooms to fly on?

Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy...

How do witches keep their hair in place while flying?

With scare spray...

Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?

No, they eat the fingers separately...

Why don't skeletons ever go out on the town?

Because they don't have any body to go out with...

more jokes...

NIGHT COURT: Walk Away Renee

2005-09-27T17:40:00.001-07:00

Night Court (1985) Harry Anderson, John Larroquette, Richard Moll. Bull knowingly falls in love with a prostitute.

Scene 1: In court, table, the lawyers are looking through them

HAROLD: Hey, Mac?

MAC: Yeah?

HAROLD: Bull’s been late 4 days straight, what’s going on?

MAC: Bull’s got himself a girlfriend.

DAN: Oh, really? Animal, vegetable or mineral?

BULL: (runs in) Hi, guys! Sorry, I’m late.

HAROLD: Bull, how about calling the court to order.

BULL: With pleasure, sir. (walks to the podium) All rise! Criminal court part two is now in session. The honorable, adorable, kind, compassionate Harold T. Stone presiding.

DAN: You may all be nauseated.

HAROLD: What’s this?

BULL: I wrote you a poem, sir.

HAROLD: A poem? (unfolds)

HAROLD: Da da da da da da da da da…

CHRISTINE: Oh, come on, read it to us, sir.

HAROLD: I did. (shows it) Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da…

MAC: At least it rhymes.

HAROLD: How about that first case, Mac?

MAC: Maybe we should wait until the aircraft makes its final approach.

BULL: (waving) Yoo-hoo! Renee!

RENEE: (waves) Hi.

BULL: (runs goofily)

DAN: My God, I think he’s going to kiss her.

BULL: (runs, picks her up and they kiss)

DAN: (makes a face) I was wrong, he’s going to swallow her.

BULL: Ha ha ha! How’s my little pork chop?

RENEE: Delicious!

HAROLD: I’ve never seen Bull so happy.

CHRISTINE: I’ve never seen Bull so alive.

FLORENCE: I’ve never seen Bull with a hooker. Course, I don’t get out much.

Scene 2: Bull and Renee hugging

HAROLD: Pork Chop is a hooker?

FLORENCE: (nods)

HAROLD: Are you sure?

FLORENCE: (nods) Positive. She put in so much time in holding at the Brooklyn Courthouse that we put her in the staff Christmas picture. (laughs)

CHRISTINE: No! It can’t be.

FLORENCE: I could call Brooklyn and get her file.

HAROLD: No, that would feel like we’re spying.

BULL: Here’s the signed blank checks you asked for, sugar bun.

HAROLD: Put a rush on it.

RENEE: (flips thru)

Scene 3: Court

HAROLD: That’s lunch everybody.

BULL: Sir, can Florence take this prisoner? I need to run down to the bank and cash in my I.R.A. I got my eye on a little snow blower I think Renee’s going to flip over.

CHRISTINE: Bull, your I.R.A. is for your retirement.

BULL: I’ll probably be killed in a prison break long before that.

FLORENCE: Imagine the neck muscles you need to hold up that much granite.

BULL: Sir?

HAROLD: Sure, Bull, go ahead.

DAN: Thar he spends!

CHRISTINE: You let him go? You’re just going to sit there while he cashes his life savings?

HAROLD: Well, come on, Miss Sullivan. We’re not even sure that she’s…

MAC: Still working horizontally? Afraid so. She got busted last week. Here’s her file.

CHRISTINE: Ok, ok, we have proof. Somebody has got to do something.

HAROLD: How do you tell 7 feet of unbridled emotion that the apple of his eye takes American Express?

CHRISTINE: Well, it has to come from a friend. (they look at Mac)

MAC: Uh-uh! No, I was the one who told him about the tooth fairy. Like to rip my lips off.

Scene 4: Renee smiling, eyes closed as Bull surprises her

BULL: Are your eyes closed?

RENEE: Yeah.

BULL: (pulls covers) Ta da! (motorcycle)

RENEE: Oh, Bull! What can I say?! Did you remember the optional maintenance guarantee.

BULL: You know I did. (give it to her)

RENEE: Oh!

Scene 5: A woman walks into court and covers Dan’s eyes

WOMAN: Surprise!

DAN: Sheila! (gets up)

SHEILA: Glad to see me?

DAN: Yes! Of course! But last time, I remember you said you wouldn’t—

SHEILA: Shhh… Don’t talk…just listen. Our last date was the most intense, erotic experience in my life… and I said we could never top it, but I’ve been doing more research… and I think it just might be possible… if you don’t mind taking a few risks.

DAN: (shakes head)

SHEILA: Good, I’ll pick you up after court.

BUM: Hey, you ok?

DAN: I think I’m starting to hyperventilate.

BUM: Here, breathe into this… and don’t worry about the socks in there.

Scene 6: Renee looking at her motorcycle.

RENEE: Oh, great.

CHRISTINE: Problem?

RENEE: I asked for whitewalls.

CHRISTINE: Oh, I thought maybe you wanted one that folded out into a bed.

RENEE: Who in he hell are you? And where can I get that shade of dye?

CHRISTINE: Look, Bull is a friend of mine, and I happen to care about him very much.

RENEE: Oh, that’s very nice, but I didn’t see your name on him anywhere and I’m very thorough.

CHRISTINE: My name happens to be Christine Sullivan, legal aide.

RENEE: Renee Carroll, hospitality engineer.

CHRISTINE: Listen I know who you are and I know what you are, so don’t think you can go hustling one of my friends.

RENEE: Meow! I’m going to get a cup of coffee. Can I get you a saucer of milk?

CHRISTINE: Listen, I’m warning you, I will tell him everything if I have to.

RENEE: Go ahead, tell him what I am, tell him that I’m after his money. You say you’re a friend of his, then you know. It’ll kill him.

Scene 7: Court with Harold

CHRISTINE: He gave the slut a motorcycle!

HAROLD: What slut and how many CC’s?

CHRISTINE: She admitted it, your honor. She as much as dared me to tell Bull that she was a prostitute and she was after his money.

HAROLD: And?

CHRISTINE: Well, I looked him right in the eye and chickened out.

BULL: Oh, hi, sir. Christine, I was just wondering if we had enough time left for me to run down to the tire store?

HAROLD: Bull, would you mind if we had a little chat first?

BULL: No, sir, I could listen to your feckless meandering all night. (sits)

HAROLD: Bull, it’s about Renee.

BULL: Yeah?

HAROLD: Read this.

BULL: Why don’t you just tell me?

HAROLD: Bull, Renee is a… she’s an…

DAN: For God sakes! Bull, the woman is a hooker!

BULL: (attacks him)

Scene 8: In the hall

MAC: We’re going to need a gross of pencils, 3 dozen typewriter ribbons…

[Dan screams]

[crash]

MAC: 6 pints of whole blood…

Scene 9: In the hall, smoke is coming out under the courtroom door

[banging]

MAC: (brings in cups of water) Here’s your coffee sir. Bull’s still at it, huh?

HAROLD: That was a major appliance, wasn’t it?

FLORENCE: A .44 caliber—it won’t stop him, but it should slow him down.

MAC: Oh, I just got off the phone with the hospital. They released Dan 20 min. ago.

FLORENCE: The big guy really nailed him, huh?

MAC: Bull didn’t really hit him. Dan flinched, fell backwards, bounced off the wall, tripped over a rug, and dented Harry’s refrigerator with his back.

[crash]

(Dan rolls thru, bandaged, in a wheelchair)

FLORENCE: So, that’s why they call him Dr. Strangelove.

CHRISTINE: Dan, are you all right?

DAN: I’m fine, I’ve got my friends, I’ve got my career, and an unlimited mileage rate.

[banging, door opens, Bull comes out]

BULL: All the fires are out.

HAROLD: Say, that is good news.

BULL: I figure, $5000 should cover it. (gives money)

MAC: (looks in) Oh, my dear God.

HAROLD: Is it that bad?

MAC: Did you see the Day After?

HAROLD: (looks in)

Scene 9: Bull is sitting on a table, Florence enters

FLORENCE: She really ripped your heart out, huh?

BULL: (nods)

FLORENCE: You want to talk about it?

BULL: (shakes head)

FLORENCE: You will eventually, and I’ll be there for you. (meets Renee) Fort Benning, Georgia, the 82nd Airborne Division said to say hello.

RENEE: Hey, baby, I missed you. (kisses him)

BULL: As much as all the other guys?

RENEE: Come on, you don’t think there’s another guy.

BULL: Does the name John ring a bell? You sleep with men for money.

RENEE: So, you figured it out. What are you going to do? You going to sic your judge friend on me?

BULL: Renee--

RENEE: What is he going to charge me with? Felony present-accepting? Well, I’m not going to give them back ‘cause I already hocked them.

BULL: That’s your business.

RENEE: That’s right, that is my business. My business is conning jerks like you.

BULL: Good bye, Renee.

RENEE: Wait a minute! I took you to the cleaners! You’ve been had, big boy. Don’t you get it?

BULL: Yeah, I do get it.

RENEE: Good, then go ahead and hit me. (offers her chin) Come on, I can take it. Go ahead! I been hit before.

BULL: I feel sorry for you.

RENEE: I said hit me, Bozo.

BULL: I see people like you every day. They take and take because they never fill up inside.

RENEE: Why don’t you get angry with me?!

BULL: Oh, I’m angry all right.

RENEE: See?

BULL: I’m angry at all those people that hurt you because they hurt you real bad, and it makes me sad to think about the other Renee—the one that never had a chance… the one I fell in love with. (waves) Bye.

RENEE: That’s it?

BULL: Oh, yeah, I almost forgot (scoops up a gift and gives it to her) Happy anniversary. Would have been 2 weeks tonight.

RENEE: (opens it, reveals a red gown)

Scene 10: Court, Mac brings in a paper bag

MAC: Sir.

HAROLD: What’s that?

MAC: Your couch.

HAROLD: I guess reupholstering is out of the question.

MAC: Uh-huh.

BULL: You want the next case, sir?

HAROLD: Bull, are you okay?

BULL: Sir, life may be filled with pitfalls and uncertainty… but from adversity comes strength.

HAROLD: Who said that?

BULL: It’s me, sir. Bull!

BUM: Holy cow!

RENEE: (enters in red gown)

BUM: That is a bold fashion statement!

RENEE: (walks to the court) Your honor, may I address the court?

Listen, I—I don’t—

RENEE: I… am a hooker.

BULL: Renee, don’t

RENEE: You see, I degrade myself for money because… I don’t like myself very much.

BULL: Please.

RENEE: No, that’s not entirely true. I don’t like myself at all. And this man… (points to Bull) made me feel like a princess. Do you know why? You know why? Well, I don’t know why either. Can somebody please tell me why? (cries and falls to the floor)

BULL: Ok, ok, it’s going to be ok.

HAROLD: Just call it a night.

MAC: Right.

FLORENCE: I’ll get her some water.

HAROLD: Thanks Flo. (runs to them) Everything under control, Bull? Right, I’ve been meaning to go in for that brain scan. All right folks, show’s over.

CHRISTINE: Why did she have to do this? Now I feel sorry for her.

HAROLD: Let’s take her in my office. Maybe I’ll get one for Christmas.

BULL: Ok, now… take a deep breath.

RENEE: (inhales)

BULL: Feel any better?

RENEE: I feel dizzy and nauseous.

Reality does that to you sometimes.

RENEE: I don’t even know why I came here, but I knew I just had to.

BULL: I think it had something to do with self-respect. You had an attack of dignity. Hopefully, it’s chronic.

HAROLD: Should we call a doctor?

RENEE: Good idea.

BULL: You’re hurt?

RENEE: No, I would like somebody to take an x-ray of you to tell me what you are because no man can be that compassionate.

HAROLD: You’re wrong there, Renee. He’s a man all right. Admittedly, there aren’t many around who are as special as he is, but there are a few, and if we’re lucky, if we’re very, very lucky, one crosses our path in a lifetime.

BULL: Are we talking about the film Gandhi?

HAROLD: Some of them are cute, too.

BULL: Come on now, upsy daisy.

RENEE: I feel so embarrassed.

BULL: Oh, forget it. You know something? It’s not what other people think that counts. It’s how we feel about ourselves.

RENEE: You make me feel beautiful.

BULL: Yeah, well, red’s your color. It’s not the dress, I know, but if I hear one more compliment, I think I’m going to throw up. Hey, that reminds me, I’m hungry. How about you?

RENEE: Yeah, I could use a bite.

BULL: Great, I know this quaint little all –you-can-eat liver joint down the block.

RENEE: If you’ll be there, then it’s going to be wonderful.

BULL: (offers his arm and they walk off, smiling, together)

CHRISTINE: He is one special man.

HAROLD: Yeah, he is. Come on, I know a quaint little all you can eat kelp bar next to the liver joint. (he offers his arm and they walk off, smiling together)

SHEILA: (enters) Dan. It’s time.

DAN: Huh, Sheila, about the wheelchair…

SHEILA: Shh, you’re talking again, Dan. By the way, 3 of my friends from Sweden will be joining us. I’m afraid they’re not very bright. I hope you don’t mind. (Dan shakes his head) Good. The hotel address is on the key. We’ll be waiting for you in the marquis de Sade suite. Bite. Don’t be late… or we’ll have to start without you.

DAN: (to Christine and Harold) Light a candle for me. (rolls off) Uh, could you give me a hand please?

(They clap) Bravo! Encore!

No really, come on, I’m serious.

HAROLD: Come on, gang, kelp’s on me.

DAN: Wait, no, no, wait!

FLORENCE: We would, we want to, we did.

DAN: Flo, Flo. Phil! Phil! Come here, come here! Hurry up! Look, they are waiting, you have to help me out.

BUM: Sure, pal. (takes the key and leaves) I’ll do my best!

DAN: Phil!

NIGHT COURT: Walk Away Renee

2005-09-27T17:40:00.000-07:00

Night Court (1985) Harry Anderson, John Larroquette, Richard Moll. Bull knowingly falls in love with a prostitute.

Scene 1: In court, table, the lawyers are looking through them

HAROLD: Hey, Mac?

MAC: Yeah?

HAROLD: Bull’s been late 4 days straight, what’s going on?

MAC: Bull’s got himself a girlfriend.

DAN: Oh, really? Animal, vegetable or mineral?

BULL: (runs in) Hi, guys! Sorry, I’m late.

HAROLD: Bull, how about calling the court to order.

BULL: With pleasure, sir. (walks to the podium) All rise! Criminal court part two is now in session. The honorable, adorable, kind, compassionate Harold T. Stone presiding.

DAN: You may all be nauseated.

HAROLD: What’s this?

BULL: I wrote you a poem, sir.

HAROLD: A poem? (unfolds)

HAROLD: Da da da da da da da da da…

CHRISTINE: Oh, come on, read it to us, sir.

HAROLD: I did. (shows it) Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da…

MAC: At least it rhymes.

HAROLD: How about that first case, Mac?

MAC: Maybe we should wait until the aircraft makes its final approach.

BULL: (waving) Yoo-hoo! Renee!

RENEE: (waves) Hi.

BULL: (runs goofily)

DAN: My God, I think he’s going to kiss her.

BULL: (runs, picks her up and they kiss)

DAN: (makes a face) I was wrong, he’s going to swallow her.

BULL: Ha ha ha! How’s my little pork chop?

RENEE: Delicious!

HAROLD: I’ve never seen Bull so happy.

CHRISTINE: I’ve never seen Bull so alive.

FLORENCE: I’ve never seen Bull with a hooker. Course, I don’t get out much.

Scene 2: Bull and Renee hugging

HAROLD: Pork Chop is a hooker?

FLORENCE: (nods)

HAROLD: Are you sure?

FLORENCE: (nods) Positive. She put in so much time in holding at the Brooklyn Courthouse that we put her in the staff Christmas picture. (laughs)

CHRISTINE: No! It can’t be.

FLORENCE: I could call Brooklyn and get her file.

HAROLD: No, that would feel like we’re spying.

BULL: Here’s the signed blank checks you asked for, sugar bun.

HAROLD: Put a rush on it.

RENEE: (flips thru)

Scene 3: Court

HAROLD: That’s lunch everybody.

BULL: Sir, can Florence take this prisoner? I need to run down to the bank and cash in my I.R.A. I got my eye on a little snow blower I think Renee’s going to flip over.

CHRISTINE: Bull, your I.R.A. is for your retirement.

BULL: I’ll probably be killed in a prison break long before that.

FLORENCE: Imagine the neck muscles you need to hold up that much granite.

BULL: Sir?

HAROLD: Sure, Bull, go ahead.

DAN: Thar he spends!

CHRISTINE: You let him go? You’re just going to sit there while he cashes his life savings?

HAROLD: Well, come on, Miss Sullivan. We’re not even sure that she’s…

MAC: Still working horizontally? Afraid so. She got busted last week. Here’s her file.

CHRISTINE: Ok, ok, we have proof. Somebody has got to do something.

HAROLD: How do you tell 7 feet of unbridled emotion that the apple of his eye takes American Express?

CHRISTINE: Well, it has to come from a friend. (they look at Mac)

MAC: Uh-uh! No, I was the one who told him about the tooth fairy. Like to rip my lips off.

Scene 4: Renee smiling, eyes closed as Bull surprises her

BULL: Are your eyes closed?

RENEE: Yeah.

BULL: (pulls covers) Ta da! (motorcycle)

RENEE: Oh, Bull! What can I say?! Did you remember the optional maintenance guarantee.

BULL: You know I did. (give it to her)

RENEE: Oh!

Scene 5: A woman walks into court and covers Dan’s eyes

WOMAN: Surprise!

DAN: Sheila! (gets up)

SHEILA: Glad to see me?

DAN: Yes! Of course! But last time, I remember you said you wouldn’t—

SHEILA: Shhh… Don’t talk…just listen. Our last date was the most intense, erotic experience in my life… and I said we could never top it, but I’ve been doing more research… and I think it just might be possible… if you don’t mind taking a few risks.

DAN: (shakes head)

SHEILA: Good, I’ll pick you up after court.

BUM: Hey, you ok?

DAN: I think I’m starting to hyperventilate.

BUM: Here, breathe into this… and don’t worry about the socks in there.

Scene 6: Renee looking at her motorcycle.

RENEE: Oh, great.

CHRISTINE: Problem?

RENEE: I asked for whitewalls.

CHRISTINE: Oh, I thought maybe you wanted one that folded out into a bed.

RENEE: Who in he hell are you? And where can I get that shade of dye?

CHRISTINE: Look, Bull is a friend of mine, and I happen to care about him very much.

RENEE: Oh, that’s very nice, but I didn’t see your name on him anywhere and I’m very thorough.

CHRISTINE: My name happens to be Christine Sullivan, legal aide.

RENEE: Renee Carroll, hospitality engineer.

CHRISTINE: Listen I know who you are and I know what you are, so don’t think you can go hustling one of my friends.

RENEE: Meow! I’m going to get a cup of coffee. Can I get you a saucer of milk?

CHRISTINE: Listen, I’m warning you, I will tell him everything if I have to.

RENEE: Go ahead, tell him what I am, tell him that I’m after his money. You say you’re a friend of his, then you know. It’ll kill him.

Scene 7: Court with Harold

CHRISTINE: He gave the slut a motorcycle!

HAROLD: What slut and how many CC’s?

CHRISTINE: She admitted it, your honor. She as much as dared me to tell Bull that she was a prostitute and she was after his money.

HAROLD: And?

CHRISTINE: Well, I looked him right in the eye and chickened out.

BULL: Oh, hi, sir. Christine, I was just wondering if we had enough time left for me to run down to the tire store?

HAROLD: Bull, would you mind if we had a little chat first?

BULL: No, sir, I could listen to your feckless meandering all night. (sits)

HAROLD: Bull, it’s about Renee.

BULL: Yeah?

HAROLD: Read this.

BULL: Why don’t you just tell me?

HAROLD: Bull, Renee is a… she’s an…

DAN: For God sakes! Bull, the woman is a hooker!

BULL: (attacks him)

Scene 8: In the hall

MAC: We’re going to need a gross of pencils, 3 dozen typewriter ribbons…

[Dan screams]

[crash]

MAC: 6 pints of whole blood…

Scene 9: In the hall, smoke is coming out under the courtroom door

[banging]

MAC: (brings in cups of water) Here’s your coffee sir. Bull’s still at it, huh?

HAROLD: That was a major appliance, wasn’t it?

FLORENCE: A .44 caliber—it won’t stop him, but it should slow him down.

MAC: Oh, I just got off the phone with the hospital. They released Dan 20 min. ago.

FLORENCE: The big guy really nailed him, huh?

MAC: Bull didn’t really hit him. Dan flinched, fell backwards, bounced off the wall, tripped over a rug, and dented Harry’s refrigerator with his back.

[crash]

(Dan rolls thru, bandaged, in a wheelchair)

FLORENCE: So, that’s why they call him Dr. Strangelove.

CHRISTINE: Dan, are you all right?

DAN: I’m fine, I’ve got my friends, I’ve got my career, and an unlimited mileage rate.

[banging, door opens, Bull comes out]

BULL: All the fires are out.

HAROLD: Say, that is good news.

BULL: I figure, $5000 should cover it. (gives money)

MAC: (looks in) Oh, my dear God.

HAROLD: Is it that bad?

MAC: Did you see the Day After?

HAROLD: (looks in)

Scene 9: Bull is sitting on a table, Florence enters

FLORENCE: She really ripped your heart out, huh?

BULL: (nods)

FLORENCE: You want to talk about it?

BULL: (shakes head)

FLORENCE: You will eventually, and I’ll be there for you. (meets Renee) Fort Benning, Georgia, the 82nd Airborne Division said to say hello.

RENEE: Hey, baby, I missed you. (kisses him)

BULL: As much as all the other guys?

RENEE: Come on, you don’t think there’s another guy.

BULL: Does the name John ring a bell? You sleep with men for money.

RENEE: So, you figured it out. What are you going to do? You going to sic your judge friend on me?

BULL: Renee--

RENEE: What is he going to charge me with? Felony present-accepting? Well, I’m not going to give them back ‘cause I already hocked them.

BULL: That’s your business.

RENEE: That’s right, that is my business. My business is conning jerks like you.

BULL: Good bye, Renee.

RENEE: Wait a minute! I took you to the cleaners! You’ve been had, big boy. Don’t you get it?

BULL: Yeah, I do get it.

RENEE: Good, then go ahead and hit me. (offers her chin) Come on, I can take it. Go ahead! I been hit before.

BULL: I feel sorry for you.

RENEE: I said hit me, Bozo.

BULL: I see people like you every day. They take and take because they never fill up inside.

RENEE: Why don’t you get angry with me?!

BULL: Oh, I’m angry all right.

RENEE: See?

BULL: I’m angry at all those people that hurt you because they hurt you real bad, and it makes me sad to think about the other Renee—the one that never had a chance… the one I fell in love with. (waves) Bye.

RENEE: That’s it?

BULL: Oh, yeah, I almost forgot (scoops up a gift and gives it to her) Happy anniversary. Would have been 2 weeks tonight.

RENEE: (opens it, reveals a red gown)

Scene 10: Court, Mac brings in a paper bag

MAC: Sir.

HAROLD: What’s that?

MAC: Your couch.

HAROLD: I guess reupholstering is out of the question.

MAC: Uh-huh.

BULL: You want the next case, sir?

HAROLD: Bull, are you okay?

BULL: Sir, life may be filled with pitfalls and uncertainty… but from adversity comes strength.

HAROLD: Who said that?

BULL: It’s me, sir. Bull!

BUM: Holy cow!

RENEE: (enters in red gown)

BUM: That is a bold fashion statement!

RENEE: (walks to the court) Your honor, may I address the court?

Listen, I—I don’t—

RENEE: I… am a hooker.

BULL: Renee, don’t

RENEE: You see, I degrade myself for money because… I don’t like myself very much.

BULL: Please.

RENEE: No, that’s not entirely true. I don’t like myself at all. And this man… (points to Bull) made me feel like a princess. Do you know why? You know why? Well, I don’t know why either. Can somebody please tell me why? (cries and falls to the floor)

BULL: Ok, ok, it’s going to be ok.

HAROLD: Just call it a night.

MAC: Right.

FLORENCE: I’ll get her some water.

HAROLD: Thanks Flo. (runs to them) Everything under control, Bull? Right, I’ve been meaning to go in for that brain scan. All right folks, show’s over.

CHRISTINE: Why did she have to do this? Now I feel sorry for her.

HAROLD: Let’s take her in my office. Maybe I’ll get one for Christmas.

BULL: Ok, now… take a deep breath.

RENEE: (inhales)

BULL: Feel any better?

RENEE: I feel dizzy and nauseous.

Reality does that to you sometimes.

RENEE: I don’t even know why I came here, but I knew I just had to.

BULL: I think it had something to do with self-respect. You had an attack of dignity. Hopefully, it’s chronic.

HAROLD: Should we call a doctor?

RENEE: Good idea.

BULL: You’re hurt?

RENEE: No, I would like somebody to take an x-ray of you to tell me what you are because no man can be that compassionate.

HAROLD: You’re wrong there, Renee. He’s a man all right. Admittedly, there aren’t many around who are as special as he is, but there are a few, and if we’re lucky, if we’re very, very lucky, one crosses our path in a lifetime.

BULL: Are we talking about the film Gandhi?

HAROLD: Some of them are cute, too.

BULL: Come on now, upsy daisy.

RENEE: I feel so embarrassed.

BULL: Oh, forget it. You know something? It’s not what other people think that counts. It’s how we feel about ourselves.

RENEE: You make me feel beautiful.

BULL: Yeah, well, red’s your color. It’s not the dress, I know, but if I hear one more compliment, I think I’m going to throw up. Hey, that reminds me, I’m hungry. How about you?

RENEE: Yeah, I could use a bite.

BULL: Great, I know this quaint little all –you-can-eat liver joint down the block.

RENEE: If you’ll be there, then it’s going to be wonderful.

BULL: (offers his arm and they walk off, smiling, together)

CHRISTINE: He is one special man.

HAROLD: Yeah, he is. Come on, I know a quaint little all you can eat kelp bar next to the liver joint. (he offers his arm and they walk off, smiling together)

SHEILA: (enters) Dan. It’s time.

DAN: Huh, Sheila, about the wheelchair…

SHEILA: Shh, you’re talking again, Dan. By the way, 3 of my friends from Sweden will be joining us. I’m afraid they’re not very bright. I hope you don’t mind. (Dan shakes his head) Good. The hotel address is on the key. We’ll be waiting for you in the marquis de Sade suite. Bite. Don’t be late… or we’ll have to start without you.

DAN: (to Christine and Harold) Light a candle for me. (rolls off) Uh, could you give me a hand please?

(They clap) Bravo! Encore!

No really, come on, I’m serious.

HAROLD: Come on, gang, kelp’s on me.

DAN: Wait, no, no, wait!

FLORENCE: We would, we want to, we did.

DAN: Flo, Flo. Phil! Phil! Come here, come here! Hurry up! Look, they are waiting, you have to help me out.

BUM: Sure, pal. (takes the key and leaves) I’ll do my best!

DAN: Phil!

MAMA'S FAMILY "The Return of Leonard Oates"

2005-09-27T10:19:00.000-07:00

The Return of Leonard Oates (1983) Naomi’s second husband pursues her.

Scene 1 At the supermarket where Naomi works. Mama is putting her groceries on the stand

NAOMI: Hey, kids.

BUDD: How’s it goin?

SONIA: Hi.

NAOMI: Wait a minute now, I’ve told you this check stand is 10 items or less.

THELMA: Oh, well, I know that, I know, I know, I’ve got bread, milk, fruit, meat and vegetables, that’s 5 items.

NAOMI: I know, but you got six kinds of vegetables and each one counts as an item.

THELMA: Well, I’ve also got a loaf of bread, you gonna count every slice?

NAOMI: The point is, this is the express lane. (hands her back the bread)

THELMA: Well, quit expressin’ yourself and start checkin’.

NAOMI: Vint.

VINTON: Yo!

NAOMI: Honey, come on over here, pack up these groceries for me. The sooner you get them packed up, the sooner you can get the bag home.

(Gives her a look)

SONIA: Grandma, can we get this? (brings a magazine) It has Rod Stewart on the cover.

THELMA: Well, this rag isn’t fit to wrap fish in. Wait a minute. Lookie here at Liz Taylor it says she may tie the knot again. Nice to see somebody’s been married more times than Naomi.

NAOMI: For the record, Vinton Harper is only my 3rd husband. The first one didn’t count ‘cause Tommy Ray and I were kids and didn’t know what we was doin’… at least Tommy Ray didn’t. Now, I admit that I made a big mistake with my second husband, Leonard Oates. Oh, that silver-tongued devil – he got me into so much trouble –

THELMA: Naomi, I just came in her for groceries, not to hear the untold story of your pitiful life.

NAOMI: Are you gonna buy that thing?

THELMA: I don’t read this trash.

NAOMI: Well, then, put it down. The total here is $36.44.

THELMA: 40 bucks for 10 items or less? That is highway robbery. Vinton, pay here before the prices go up.

VINTON: Oh, gee, I’m sorry, mama. I had a lot of big expenses this month.

THELMA: Too bad none of them was rent. Just give me a pen. I’ll write you out a check.

NAOMI: Ms. Harper, this is the express lane. I am forbidden to take a check. It’s cash only.

THELMA: I have been tradin’ with this market since you were knee high to that cash register. Are you gonna tell me my check’s no good?

NAOMI: Oh, just forget it! I will pay for it myself. (takes her bag and gets cash)

THELMA: Well, if that’s the way you want to handle it, that’s real nice of you, sweetheart. Kids, you want to help your daddy with these groceries?

VINTON: So long, Skeeter. (they kiss)

NAOMI: Bye, darling.

THELMA: Supper’s gonna be early, so you can give me my permanent.

NAOMI: Oh, all right, all right! It’s gonna be the highlight of my week.

(A man carrying a bouquet of roses in a red suit walks up and slips a yellow box on her stand)

NAOMI: Oh! This is the deluxe sampler, $12.95 Oh, mister! You must have one hot date.

MR. OATES: Well, no, actually, I was just hopin’ this might help me make up with my wife. (lowers flowers from face)

NAOMI: Leonard Oates.

MR. OATES: Boy when you let that hair grow, that hair can do a bit of growin’.

NAOMI: In three years, Leonard. Where’d you get that outfit, you rob a bank or somethin’?

MR. OATES: No, I didn’t rob a bank, but I could own me a couple of banks if I wanted to, Naomi. I’m only worth $2.5 million.

NAOMI: Where’d you get that kind of cash?

Worms.

NAOMI: Worms?

MR. OATES: Worms—earthworms, mealworms, night crawlers, started me a mail-order bait business. Next thing you know, Naomi, I’m sendin’ worms all over the United States. You know what they call me down in Tallahassee now?

NAOMI: What?

MR. OATES: “The Worm King.”

NAOMI: Well, I guess it takes on to breed one, Leonard. What brings you back to Raytown, gonna start a franchise here?

MR. OATES: Naomi, I have come back. And I want to give you the life that I promised you a long time ago. I want to take you back to Florida with me.

NAOMI: Well, I’m afraid you’re a little late, Leonard. I’ve married again.

MR. OATES: Oh, married, well…

NAOMI: That’s right.

MR. OATES: Don’t look like he’s doin’ too well by you, does it?

NAOMI: Why, because I’m workin’, you mean? Oh, I don’t have to do this. My husband is a very wealthy man. I just do this as a kind of public service to fill my idle time.

MR. OATES: Oh, you know, when you and I were together, we didn’t have a lot of idle time, did we? (kisses her on the neck)

NAOMI: Goodbye, Leonard. I hope you have a nice trip back to Florida.

MR. OATES: Naomi, I’m not goin’ back to Florida… not till I get what I came after. I mean, let’s face it. You can’t say no to me, you never could. (kisses her cheek)

Scene 2 kitchen, Naomi and Thelma enter

THELMA: Naomi, do somethin’. This solution’s likely to have eaten through to my scalp.

NAOMI: All right, I’m gonna rinse it off, just as soon as my angel boy turns the water back on.

VINTON: Ow!

THELMA: I should’ve known better than to trust my head to a beauty-school dropout.

NAOMI: For your information, I was head of my class in permanent wave.

FRAN: Thelma, why don’t we just go to Miss Boyland and rinse out your hair?

THELMA: Are you nuts? That woman thinks I got naturally curly hair.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

(Sonia walks in singing)

NAOMI: Oh, I’ll get it.

THELMA: (Fran and rest of the family go to bar) Now be careful Naomi, it could be a wild man with a gun to kill us all.

NAOMI: All right. (opens door and sees it’s Leonard, slams it)

THELMA: Well, who was it?

NAOMI: Behind this door is my second husband, Leonard Oates, who came through my check stand today, and he has become rich. Rather than let him rub my nose in that fact, I told him we were too, so get on out here and act prosperous! (opens door)

NAOMI: Leonard, what an unexpected surprise.

LEONARD: I’m sorry to barge in on you like this, Naomi, but I’m leavin’ town tomorrow, and I just wanted to stop by and say a—a proper goodbye.

(Whole family’s out watching)

NAOMI: How did you know where we lived?

LEONARD: Well, you know, a town this size, money talks, Naomi. (puts gift on table)

NAOMI: I’m sorry I cant ask you to stay, Leonard, but we was just on our way to the opera.

(looks at family, who is still watching)

LEONARD: I see.

NAOMI: May I present my lovin’ husband, Vinton Harper? Honey, put the wrench down! These are my stepchildren, Buzz and Sonia. This is our Aunt Fran and this is Vinton’s mama, Mrs. Harper.

LEONARD: Uh… I’m Leonard. (holds out hand)

VINTON: (shakes it) Vint.

LEONARD: Quite a family you’ve acquired here, Naomi.

THELMA: Well, enough of this chitchat, just what is it you’re sellin’?

LEONARD: Uh, I beg your pardon?

THELMA: I have watched the Days of our Lives long enough to know that ex-husbands don’t show up at the door unless they’re after somethin’. Now, I don’t know what lies Naomi’s been feedin’ you, but if it’s money you’re after, you hit a dry well.

LEONARD: Well, Ms. Harper, I’m here for one reason, ma’am. And that’s to see if Naomi is really happy.

THELMA: If you were so all-fired worried about her happiness, why’d you skip out on her? You got any idea what it’s like to live with a broken heart?

VINTON: Naomi’s with me now. She doesn’t have a broken heart.

THELMA: No, but I do!

NAOMI: Leonard, as you can see, I’m very happy. So, if you’ll excuse us, we’d like to ge—(pulls him to door)

LEONARD: Uh, Naomi, If you don’t mind, I bought a gift that I would like to leave with the family. Young fellow, would you come down here and help me with this?

VINTON: Sure. Oh, go ahead Buzz, go on.

BUZZ: Hey everybody, it’s a video game with a whole slew of cartridges! They even got Asteroid’s Revenge!

VINTON: Asteroid’s Revenge? That’s my favorite!

BUZZ: Oh, wow! Check it out, dad.

NAOMI: Thank you, Leonard, but we can’t accept this, can we, Vinton? I say, we can’t keep this.

VINTON: Ohh.

SONIA: Ohhh.

VINTON: Oh, no, i guess it wouldn’t be right.

LEONARD: Vint, ol’ boy, if you will allow me a few moments alone with your lovely wife, I bet I can make her change her mind.

SONIA: Last one in the kitchen is a rotten egg!

VINTON: Come on every body! Nobody wants to be a rotten egg.

LEONARD: That’s right. (winks and adjusts his collar)

FRAN: Oh, uh, well, come on. (pulls) Thelma, let’s just go in there and finish up those dishes. Thelma!

THELMA: Where did you get that jacket, was sittin’ bull havin’ a garage sale? (walks off to)

LEONARD: Naomi… why are you fightin’ me? You know you and I were meant for each other, honey. (blows into her ear) And you know I’m gonna give you the kind of happiness you’re never gonna find with that bozo.

NAOMI: Take your hands off me, Leonard, or I’m gonna scream.

LEONARD: (turns her around and kisses her) Scream. (let’s go)

NAOMI: Don’t do this to me, Leonard.

LEONARD: My plane leaves at 1pm tomorrow. (brushes her hair) Why don’t you meet me at the Jigger, say 12 noon? (goes to door)

NAOMI: I won’t be there.

LEONARD: 12 noon. (exits)

THELMA: Naomi, my head is on fire, are you gonna come in here and take this perm down or I just let it eat through to my brain?

NAOMI: (Naomi, arms crossed, pouts)

Scene 3 kitchen, Fran enters

FRAN: Well, good morning, Naomi. Hmm, my, you look pensive. (takes a cup)

NAOMI: No, just thinkin’. Oh, Frannie, I’m a nervous wreck this mornin’.

FRAN: You know, it’s probably all that coffee you drink all that caffeine is just a nervous shock to your system. That’s why I myself never touch it.

NAOMI: No, this is more than just a caffeine buzz. Fran, I have a terrible problem, and I need to talk to somebody about it.

FRAN: Oh.

NAOMI: Frannie, can you keep a secret?

FRAN: No! I never could. I tell everything I know. Telephone, telegraph, tell Fran. So if there’s something you don’t want repeated, you better do us both a big favor, Naomi, and don’t tell me. Just keep it to yourself.

NAOMI: Okay.

FRAN: Oh, heck. I guess I could make an exception just this once. (sits down with glass and soda can)

NAOMI: Oh, Fran, have you ever met a man who swept you off your feet and made you go so weak in the knees that you could no longer tell right from wrong?

FRAN: I need some coffee. (gets up)

NAOMI: I’m talking about the kind of man who no matter how hard you try, you cannot say no to?

FRAN: Naomi, could you possibly be referring to your Mr. Oates? (sits back down with coffee)

NAOMI: Leonard Oates came all the way from Tallahassee, Florida, to take me back with him, Fran. He’s waitin’ for me at the Jigger right this minute.

FRAN: But, Naomi, what could Leonard possibly offer you other than indulgences of the flesh?

NAOMI: $2.5 million.

FRAN: I see your dilemma.

NAOMI: It’s not that I don’t love Vinton, it’s just that whenever Leonard’s around me, Vinton kind of slips my mind.

FRAN: Well, Naomi, as I see it, it all boils down to this—no matter what decision you make, you have got to live with yourself.

THELMA: Naomi, I would like to have a word with you!

NAOMI: I’m afraid, I may have left the solution on a little long.

THELMA: A little long?! You’ve turned me into a human Q-tip!

NAOMI: Well, that’s all right, Ms. Harper. Just run on up and get the pink rollers. That’s take the kinks right out.

THELMA: You better get a move on. I’m supposed to be at that luncheon in an hour and a half!

NAOMI: Okay, get your rollers.

FRAN: Thelma! It doesn’t look that different. I don’t think anybody will even notice.

VINTON: Good mornin’ everybody!

THELMA: Notice anything different?

VINTON: If your’re talkin’ about your hair, no.

THELMA: Well, its’ a shame the Marx Brothers ain’t around anymore. Shoot, I could be mom-o. (leaves)

VINTON: Well, if you ladies will excuse me, I’m on my way to Asteroids Revenge.

NAOMI: No, you’re not, Vinton.

VINTON: Why?

NAOMI: It has to go back.

VINTON: How come?!

NAOMI: Because it’s not right for us to keep it.

VINTON: It’s just a toy! It’s not gonna hurt anybody!

NAOMI: Vinton, don’t you know there’s no such thing as a free lunch? Honey, are you so blind that you cannot see what that man is tryin’ to do?

FRAN: I need some more coffee.

VINTON: Sure, sure, I know what he’s up to. He’s tryin’ to make up for the bad way he treated you when you were married. He realizes what a good thing he lost… and what a good thing I got.

NAOMI: But, honey, Leonard’s comin’ back here has put a very big question in my mind, and I don’t know what the answer is.

VINTON: Well, I do. It’s simple.

NAOMI: It is?

VINTON: Sure! I say… there is no harm in keepin’ the game. There! Question answered. (gives her a peck) Anybody for Asteroids Revenge? (exits)

NAOMI: Frannie?

FRAN: What? Oh.

NAOMI: I’m goin’ to the Jigger. (rushes out)

FRAN: I don’t want to know that!

THELMA: All right, Naomi, let’s shake a leg, Naomi! Well, where in the world did that girl go?

FRAN: What girl?

THELMA: Frannie, are you keepin’ somethin’ from me?

FRAN: Why, no, I-I…

THELMA: You are! You know you can’t keep a secret. Telephone, telegraph, tell Fran.

FRAN: That’s not true.

THELMA: Frances Crowley, you look me in the eye.

FRAN: Don’t be ridiculous.

THELMA: In the eye, Frannie!

FRAN: She’s at the Bigger Jigger. Oh (snaps fingers)

THELMA: The Bigger Jigger, she went off on a toot and left me lookin’ like a frizzpot? Lord! Vinton, you’re takin’ me over to the Jigger to get my hair set!

FRAN: (gasps) Oh! (gets keys, and rushes out)

Scene 4 At the Bigger Jigger, country music plays. Leonard is at a table, waiting.

NAOMI: Leonard.

LEONARD: Ah, see, I knew you’d come. Bartender! Bartender, beer for my wife right over here, please.

FRAN: Ohh, Naomi, I cannot be blamed for my actions. I begged you not to tell me, oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive.

NAOMI: Spit it out, Fran.

FRAN: It’s hit the fan, Naomi, Thelma and Vint are on their way over here.

THELMA: Thelma and Vint are here, what are you doin’ here?

FRAN: Where? Oh, here? Oh, I thought it would—might be a good place to—uh, excuse me—to meet—I mean—I thought maybe it might be a good place—oh, excuse me—to make new acquaintances. (walks to the bar) Hello there. How are you?

VINTON: Well, what have we got here, a little goin’ away party? I’ll get the beer and nuts.

THELMA: I would like to know why you left me holdin’ a sack of pink rollers to come here and play footsie with your ex-husband.

NAOMI: I’m gonna give you the straight goods. Now, just sit down here and stop makin’ such a scene! Now, Ms. Harper, I know what you have always thought of me. I know that you have thought I was no better than trash ever since I married your son.

THELMA: That’s not true, I thought that long before you married him.

NAOMI: Well, be that as it may, what I’m tryin’ to tell you now is that I…

THELMA: Naomi, you could be rollin’ my hair while you’re spillin’ your guts.

NAOMI: Oh, all right. What I was tryin’—

THELMA: Are you gonna set my hair with beer?

NAOMI: I am gonna set this hair on fire if you don’t quit interrupting me. Now, as I was sayin’ I know that you all are probably very upset because you think that I have come down here today to run off with Leonard Oates.

(Vint returns with beer) Oh, now, Skeeter, nobody thinks that.

LEONARD: I do.

NAOMI: That’s because I could never refuse you nothin’, Leonard, anytime, any place, anywhere, any shape, any form—

THELMA: Well, good lord, do I have to sit here and listen to this smut?

NAOMI: That is, until today. I’m not goin’ anywhere with you, Leonard.

LEONARD: Uh, Naomi, listen—listen to me. I am offering you a life of luxury, honey. “The Worm Queen of Tallahassee”—How are you gonna turn that down?

VINTON: I’d kind of like to hear the answer to that myself.

NAOMI: It was because of you, honey.

VINTON: Me?

NAOMI: Yeah, most guys would have been real upset if their wives’ ex-husbands had come back rich and started offerin’ her the moon. Most guys would have thought that they was up to no good.

VINTON: Yeah.

NAOMI: But you trusted me… (walks to him) And that’s somethin’ that nobody else has ever done before. (sits on his lap) And then I realized that it would never even occur to you to leave me. And if that’s not love, Vinton, I don’t know what is. (kisses him)

FRAN: Isn’t that beautiful? (drinking cocktail) I was at their wedding.

THELMA: Naomi, would you get your fingers out of his hair and back into mine?

LEONARD: Naomi… may I wish you a lot of luck, honey? ‘Cause if you crazy enough to hang out with these yo-yo’s, you’re gonna need it.

THELMA: Now, you hold on just a minute. (grabs him by the collar) You… worm wrangler. Naomi may have a checkered past, she may have had more that her share of boyfriends, lord, we know she was as bimbo… but she happens to be somethin’ that she’s never been before and that is a Harper. And there ain’t nobody gonna insult a Harper, not as long as I’m alive.

LEONARD: (clears throat) Thank you, Ms. Harper. Looks like the best man won.

VINTON: Thank you.

LEONARD: No, not you—her. Naomi, I want to tell you somethin’. Honey, he’s goofy… she’s crazy, I’m gone. (winks and leaves)

NAOMI: Thank you, Ms.—mama. (hugs her)

THELMA: Oh, well, good lord.

VINTON: Well, come on, Skeeter, let’s go home. Looks like we’re all still one big happy family. Come on, come on, come on.

FRAN: It was delightful to have made your acquaintance, Bruno.

Scene 5 (living room)

VINTON: Wow! You sure blasted the daylights out of that meteor.

NAOMI: That was easy, honey. I just made believe he was Leonard Oates.

THELMA: Our little, green spaceships were there first.

FRAN: Oh, face it Thelma. You and I just weren’t cut out for intergalactic combat.

THELMA: Well, I think the force is with me, Frannie. Hang on to your asteroids!

-END-

MAMA'S FAMILY Mama Gets a Job (1983)

2005-09-05T17:38:00.000-07:00

Mama Gets a Job (1983) Mama goes to work for a travel agency.

Scene 1 Harper’s living room, Naomi’s painting her nails and Vint is reading something.

THELMA: Do you have to do that here?

NAOMI: Well, I’m just paintin’ my toenails.

THELMA: Some things should be done in the privacy of your own bedroom.

NAOMI: Some things are done in the privacy of our bedroom.

THELMA: Oh, I know, I know, I know (knitting) all the time.

VINTON: It’s part of the marriage contract.

THELMA: Well, I got a contract with the Exterminator, too, but he don’t come over here and spray for ants every blessed night of the week.

NAOMI: Ms. Harper, what has gotten into you tonight?

THELMA: Nothin’. I’m just a old lady who haven’t done nothing with my life.

NAOMI: Nonsense, you’ve got half your life ahead of you yet.

THELMA: Half my life –ha! How many people you know live to be 130?

NAOMI: Well, age doesn’t matter. It’s what’s inside that counts.

THELMA: Naomi, my insides are as old as my outsides.

VINTON: Well, mama, you been old for years. Why is it just botherin’ you know?

THELMA: Oh, put a cork in it, Vinton. I ran into crazy old Aunt Effie today, well, she starts bendin’ my ear about how she’s just gone out and gotten herself a job.

VINTON: Aunt Effie? Why she’s three days older than God.

NAOMI: Yeah, what kind of job could she possibly get?

THELMA: A good one accordin’ to her she’s workin’ as a filin’ clerk down at the courthouse, can you beat that? And you know what the old bat had the nerve to say to me after she finished braggin’ about her highfalutin job?

NAOMI: What?

THELMA: Get this—Thelma, how’s the family? ANow, what do you figure she meant by that?

Mam, don’t be silly.

THELMA: It isn’t silly! You’ve all got jobs to keep you interested. You’re doin’ somethin’ useful with your life. But what purpose do I serve? There’s gotta be somethin’ more than sittin’ here watchin’ the Days of our Lives. (gets up, goes to kitchen) and foldin’ your Fruit of the Looms.

NAOMI: I’ll take care of this, honey. (Naomi follows her)

(sits on the kitchen table)

NAOMI: Ms. Harper?

THELMA: What?

NAOMI: I know just how you feel but we gotta find somethin’ that’s gonna keep you interested. So how ‘bout a nice hobby?

THELMA: Oh, it’s come to that, has it? Sit mama a corner somewhere and let her make fancy doo daahs out of beer-can tops – no thank you.

NAOMI: Well, then, maybe you oughta go out and find yourself a job.

THELMA: A job? Well, lordy, what could I do?

NAOMI: There’s a placement agency down at the mall, they could find a job for you.

THELMA: For somebody my age?

NAOMI: Sure, they’re always looking for women who aren’t gonna run off and get married or turn around and get pregnant.

THELMA: Well, I certainly fit that description.

NAOMI: So, why don’t you get your rear in gear and go down, apply for a job?

THELMA: Oh, Naomi. You really think I could get my rear in gear and get me a job?

NAOMI: I sure do, Aunt Effie did.

THELMA: Well, that’s right, she did. If Effie can do it, so can I. Hell, she’s been runnin’ on empty for years.

Scene 2 Employment Agency, filling out application

THELMA: If 6 men can dig a ditch 3 yards wide, 4 feet deep, and 25 feet long (read aloud) in 8 hours, 8 men can dig the same ditch in 5 hours, how long would it take 2 men to… (peeks at the answers of the guy next to her, he moves away) I don’t know why these suckers don’t just drop their shovels and go have themselves a beer. (tears application) Well, what are you starin’ at? Ain’t you ever seen an old woman freak out on a test before?

EMPLOYMENT AGENT: Mrs. Harper, I’m ready to interview you now.

THELMA: Well, I ruined my test, I didn’t finish it.

EMPLOYMENT AGENT: Well, that’s all right, we’ll worry about that later, come along right this way.

Scene 3 Office

EMPLOYMENT AGENT: Now, if you’ll just sit right here.

(clears throat)

THELMA: I’m sorry I broke your pencil (shows it)

EMPLOYMENT AGENT: Well, that’s quite all right.

THELMA: I get real nervous when I take tests.

EMPLOYMENT AGENT: Well, that’s understandable, so do I.

THELMA: I’m sweatin’ bullets right now.

EMPLOYMENT AGENT: I just have a few questions I must ask you.

THELMA: Well, all right, as long as I don’t have to dig that ditch again.

EMPLOYMENT AGENT: Now, first, I must have your age, Miss Harper.

THELMA: 53.

EMPLOYMENT AGENT: (laughs) Uh, are you married?

THELMA: No, I’m widowed.

EMPLOYMENT AGENT: I’m sorry.

THELMA: So is he.

EMPLOYMENT AGENT: Did you graduate from college?

THELMA: No.

EMPLOYMENT AGENT: High school?

THELMA: No.

EMPLOYMENT AGENT: But you did complete grade school?

THELMA: Well, boy, this is sure pick on Thelma Harper day.

EMPLOYMENT AGENT: Not really, it’s just that I am trying to find something that is suited to you. Have you any experience?

THELMA: (wipes hand on table) Well, no, I haven’t worked in 40 years.

EMPLOYMENT AGENT: Well, Mrs. Harper, it’s going to be difficult finding a position for you.

THELMA: Well, why is that?

EMPLOYMENT AGENT: You have very little education, you’ve never done anything and have no special skills.

THELMA: Well, that never stopped them people down at the post office.

EMPLOYMENT AGENT: Ah, here’s something, Raytown Travel Agency. Do you know how to answer the phone?

THELMA: No, usually when it rings at my house, I run around in a little circle and yell, What’ll I do? What’ll I do? (throws hand up)

EMPLOYMENT AGENT: (fixes hair) I mean in a business office.

THELMA: I imagine they all work pretty much the same—you talk into the end that has the big holes, and the voice comes out the end with the small holes.

EMPLOYMENT AGENT: Well, I think this will be ideal for you. The Raytown Travel Agency is looking for a mature woman to answer phones and to direct people who come into the office.

THELMA: Well, I guess I can handle that.

EMPLOYMENT AGENT: Well, if you want the job, it’s yours. You start tomorrow.

THELMA: Tomorrow’s Saturday, don’t I even get a day off?

EMPLOYMENT AGENT: Usually, it’s their busiest day. Now, this is all the information you’ll need. (they get up to the door) I’ll call them and tell them to expect you.

Scene 4 Kitchen, Thelma’s dong the dishes when Vint enters

VINTON: Mama, can I talk to you?

THELMA: Well, yeah, just grab this dish towel and talk to me while you help with the dishes.

VINTON: I can’t think and dry dishes at the same time.

THELMA: Well, how do you know Vinton, you’ve never really tried either.

VINTON: Mama, tomorrow you are goin’ out there into the workin’ world. It’s a jungle out there. You’re gonna meet some mean people. (sits down with soda)

THELMA: Vinton, I’m goin’ to work for the Raytown Travel Agency, not the Roller Derby.

NAOMI: Well, for heaven’s sake, Ms. Harper. You shouldn’t be doin’ the dishes on the night before your very first day on the job. You get up first thing in the mornin’ and do ‘em then.

VINTON: She won’t have time to do ‘em—she’s got to iron my shirt.

THELMA: I ain’t ironin’ your shirt and I ain’t doin’ anymore dishes if I’m gonna be a workin’ girl, then we’re all gonna have to pitch in here, and there’s no better time to start than right now. (throws a towel at Vint)

VINTON: What? I can’t wash dishes? These are the hands of a locksmith.

THELMA: Well, this is the mouth of a mother, and this mother is sayin’ get up here. (slips apron on him) Apron goes just like that. Come on over here to the sink, say hello to Mr. Sponge, say hello to Mr. Hot Water, and say goodbye to me. Here you go. (throws towel to Naomi)

Scene 5

HERBERT: Right this way, Mrs. Harper.

THELMA: Oh, my, look at this, isn’t this nice?

HERBERT: Mrs. Harper, you are going to be very important to this office because you’re going to be the first person that the new customer sees.

THELMA: All right.

HERBERT: And we want you to greet them with a great big, cheery smile. Now, let’s see that smile.

THELMA: (smiles)

HERBERT: Thatagirl. You know how happy people are when they travel, Mrs. Harper? We want that happiness to begin right here in this office with that beautiful smile.

THELMA: Well, you sweet thing. (pats his arm)

HERBERT: Now, here’s your desk, sit there. There’s your phone. You put the customers here and then you offer them a cup of coffee.

THELMA: All right, fine, how much do I charge ‘em?

HERBERT: Oh, no, it’s free, compliments of Raytown Travel Agency.

THELMA: Well, it’s your money.

HERBERT: Now, in the top drawer, you’ll find some forms.

THELMA: Oh, yes.

HERBERT: That’s it, that’s it. Now, you simply fill that in, direct the customer to one of our agents. Any questions?

THELMA: When’s payday?

HERBERT: Every other Friday. Now, you’ll also be answering our phones and this is the way to do that. It’s a great day here at Raytown travel Agency! May I help you?! Would you try that? (gives her receiver)

THELMA: You want me to try that right now? I-It’s a great day here at Raytown travel Agency! May I help you?!

HERBERT: No, no. It’s a great day!

THELMA: It’s a great day here at Raytown travel Agency. May I help you?

HERBERT: No, no, no, May I help you?!

THELMA: May I help you?!

HERBERT: Thatagirl! If you have any problems, pop into my office any time.

THELMA: Thank you very much.

HERBERT: Let me see that smile.

THELMA: Oh, Mr. Vogelman. (shoos him off)

HERBERT: Ha ha ha, you can call me Herbert.

THELMA: Oh, Herbert. (he leaves, she practices) It’s a great… it’s a great… day here at Raytown travel Agency. May I help-- you? (takes out a pic of family, sets it down) Buzz and Sonia there. (takes out a plant) It’s a great day here… at Raytown travel Agency. May I help you? (takes out a cup) It’s a great day here at Raytown travel Agency. (raises arms with voice) May I help you? (clasps hands together, waiting) It’s a great day here -- at Raytown travel Agency. (looks around desk) May I help you? It’s a great day here. It’s a great day. (switches cup with plant) It’s a great day here at Raytown travel –

[ring]

THELMA: Uh, oh.

[ring]

It’s a great day here at Ray—[ring] It’s a great day here at Raytown travel Agency. [ring] It’s a great day here at Raytown travel Agency! May I help you? [ring] Well, what the – hello!

HERBERT: No, no, no! You have to press down the button that’s flashing.

Oh, well, it’s a great day here at the Raytown travel Agency. May I help you?

[dial tone]

Hello? Hello. Well, I guess… (puts receiver down) If it’s important, they’ll call back. I feel like such a fool, Herbert.

HERBERT: Well, it’s an honest mistake, Mrs. Harper.

THELMA: Thelma.

Now, look, it’s simple. Press down the button that’s flashing, take the message, and press the hold—that’s the red button—and press the com—the intercom—and then take the names off the list on the side of the phone. Got that?

THELMA: Not really. (he leaves) All right now, press the one that’s flashing, then, I press the hold button, that’s the red one, and then I—

(customers enter)

Well, now, I forgot to take the message here. You press the one that’s flashing then you take your message. Then you press your hold button, and then you—(sees customers) Well, just don’t stand there, come in. ( gets up) come on in, come on in, you’re standin’ there like a couple of dodos. Come on, come on. Come over here and sit down. There you go. Go on, go on, sit down there. Go on, go on, put it right down there. There you go, now you want some coffee?

MR. BRENNAN: That would be very nice.

THELMA: I’m gonna get it for you right here. Cream and sugar?

MR. BRENNAN: Yea, please, three lumps for each of us.

THELMA: Well, now, I’m only gonna put two lumps, you keep puttin’ three lumps, you’re gonna wind up with diabetes or boils on your neck.

BRENNAN’s: (look at each other)

THELMA: Alright, here we are now. (brings cups) this here is free. It’s compliments of The Raytown Travel Agency.

[rings]

Oh, well, now, I have to get that. The one that’s flashing.

It’s a great day here at Raytown travel Agency! May I help you? Oh, hello Buzz. It’s my grandson, Buzz. What is it, Buzz? No, grandma doesn’t know where your sneakers are. Well, I would imagine they’re probably right were you took ‘em off, baby. All right, bye bye sweetheart. He can’t find his sneakers for basketball practice.

MR. BRENNAN: We would like to arrange a trip to Tahiti.

THELMA: Tahiti? Well, you wouldn’t know it to look at the two of you that you had a nickel to your name. Okay, now, let’s see. (fills out paper)

[ringing]

THELMA: It’s a great day here at Raytown travel Agency! May I –well, hello Vinton. It’s my son, Vinton, well what do you want Vinton? Well, no, I didn’t iron your shirt. Well, if you don’t got one to wear to work, you just don’t. Well, maybe that wife of yours could learn how to use the iron. Tell her that the flat side goes down. Bye. Honestly. Children—they’re nothin’ but heartaches.

MRS. BRENNAN: Our children are sending us to Tahiti.

MR. BRENNAN: Uh-huh.

THELMA: I couldn’t even get mine to drive me to work. All right now, let’s see here. What is your name?

MR. BRENNAN: Mr. and Mrs. Br—

[rings]

THELMA: Well, good lord. It’s a great day here at – Naomi, I’m at work. No, I don’t know where Buzz’s sneakers are. Well, I’m real glad you got a bridal shower to go to. That’s real nice. If you can’t iron Vinton a shirt, you can’t, that’s all. Just tell him to wear the same shirt he wore yesterday. He doesn’t work hard enough to sweat anyway, bye. All right, now, what’s your name?

MR. BRENNAN: Mr. and Mrs. Brennan.

THELMA: Breannan, that’s probably got two “n’s” there in the middle.

MR. BRENNAN: Uh-huh.

THELMA: All right, and what’s that address?

MR. BRENNAN: Uh, 1608 Bedford—

[rings]

THELMA: Well, hell! Who is it? Naomi, quit screamin’ at me and tell me why you can’t go to your party. You can’t put your makeup on? Well, why not? Where is it? Just hold your horses, Breannan, I got a family crisis here. Well, why in the world would Sonia lock herself in the bathroom? Will you listen to this? Naomi’s blamin’ sonia for losin’ Buzz’s sneakers. Now, nobody can get into the bathroom. Just have Vinton get her out. Hell, he’s a locksmith, isn’t he?

MR. BRENNAN: Miss, could we get on with this?

THELMA: Well, you’re sure in an all-fired hurry to see them naked women, ain’t you?

MRS. BRENNAN: We don’t have to sit here and take this. (gets up)

THELMA: No, but I see you’re sure gulpin’ down that free coffee in a hurry.

HERBERT: (enters) Is there a problem here?

BRENNANS: Yes, we came here to arrange a trip, and we get nothing but insults form this lady.

THELMA: Well, will you just keep your drawers on? I’ll get you to Tahiti if I have to tie an inner tube to two trees and shoot you there myself.

HERBERT: Mrs. Harper! I am very disturbed at this!

THELMA: Well, that makes two of us, Herbert.

HERBERT: May I remind you that your job is to make the customers feel welcome?

THELMA: Well, that doesn’t mean I gotta let them treat me like a doormat.

HERBERT: Yes, it does! That’s the name of the game.

MR. BRENNAN: Look, we don’t want to step on anybody. All we want is a trip to Tahiti.

THELMA: Oh, will you give it a rest? We all know about the free trip you mooched off your kids.

MRS. BRENNAN: We’ll just take our business elsewhere, thank you. (give Boss their cups)

MR. BRENNAN: I take three lumps, anyway.

HERBERT: I’m afraid your employment here is terminated. Why don’t you go back home to your loved ones?

THELMA: It if wasn’t for my damned loved ones, I’d still have a job. (puts her stuff into her purse)

[rings]

I don’t care if you can’t find your sneakers, I don’t care if you don’t got a shirt, I don’t care if you can’t get to your makeup! This is not my problem! It’s for you, Herbert.

HERBERT: It’s a great day here at Raytown travel Agency! May I help you?

THELMA: The hell it is.

Scene 6

VINTON: All I’m sayin’ is, the next time you yell at the kids, plan ahead and iron me a shirt before the fight starts.

NAOMI: Oh, iron your own shirt. I am not your slave, I am your wife.

VINTON: Ironin’ is woman’s work, Na—

NAOMI: Well, Mrs. Harper, what are you doin’ home so early?

VINTON: Well, mama, I didn’t expect you back so…

BUZZ: Hey, I found my sneakers! They were right where—

THELMA: Right where you left ‘em. Get to your basketball practice.

BUZZ: Yes, grandma.

THELMA: Naomi, get your stepdaughter out of the john.

NAOMI: Yes, Ms. Harper.

THELMA: Vinton, give me five minutes, I will have your shirt ironed.

VINTON: Yes, mama.

NAOMI: (knocking) Sonia, you come out of there right this minute.

SONIA: In your dreams.

THELMA: This is your grandma speaking! You get out of there before I count to 3 or I’m comin’ in after you. 1—

SONIA: (comes out and runs) Bye, everybody, I’m going to Becky’s house.

THELMA: Naomi, you may put on a new face now if you like, and don’t anybody speak to me for the rest of the day. (goes to ironing board)

VINTON: Mama? What happened?

THELMA: (ironing) I got fired.

VINTON: Aw, mama, I’m sorry. I told you it was a jungle out there.

THELMA: Vinton, have you ever seen any of them Walt Disney true-life adventures? You know, like, where a mama has a bunch of baby birds in her nest, you know?

VINTON: Oh, yeah, I love those.

THELMA: And the mama bird protects the babies and takes care of ‘em and feeds ‘em and does all that for ‘em until the time that she feels that maybe they’re able to be out on their own.

VINTON: Yeah.

THELMA: So then she just kind of gives ‘em a little nudge out of the nest and if they can fly, they fly away and they don’t ever come back. But if they can’t… splat!

VINTON: What are you trying to tell me?

THELMA: Vinton, don’t ever climb a tree with me.

VINTON: Well, it’s not my fault you got fired.

THELMA: It is your fault. And it’s Naomi’s and it’s Buzz’s and it’s Sonia’s—it’s all your faults.

VINTON: Well, you can still get another job.

THELMA: I’ll get another job when you birds learn how to fly!

MAMA'S FAMILY (partial) "Mama's Boyfriend" (1983) Mama takes a weekend trip with an old beau.

2005-09-04T15:42:00.000-07:00

Season 1:9 Mama's Boyfriend (19-Mar-1983)

Scene 1 Thelma’s living room where she’s arranging the

THELMA: Down in the meadow in the itty-bitty pool (sings as she watches the door) Swan three little fish—(opens door) Frannie! Well, here, let me help you with that. (takes a bag of groceries) Swam three little fishies and a mama fishy, too swim, said the mama fishy, swim if you can (they walk to the kitchen) and they sawm and they swam all over the dam. Everybody! Boo, boo, dittum, dittum, why don’t you? (puts grocery bag down the table and puts on an apron)

FRANNIE: Somebody is certainly in a good mood.

THELMA: Well, what’s so unusual about that?

FRANNIE: Well, you are in an extraordinarily good mood. What’s going on here?

THELMA: Nothing’s goin’ on.

FRANNIE: What do you mean? You’re all gussied up, Thelma. My lord, you’re wearin’ lipstick and unless my poor, stuffed-up nose deceives me, is that no perfume you have on? What’s the big occasion here?

THELMA: No big occasion. I just happen to be goin’ out to dinner, that’s all. So, how was your day?

FRANNIE: My day was tragic, if you want to know. Mr. Yeagley called me from the First Methodist Church and said just because I have this little touch of laryngitis, he would propose I forgo choir practice this evening.

THELMA: Isn’t that a shame?

FRANNIE: Did you say you were goin’ out to dinner?

THELMA: Well, it’s not that unusual. I ran into an old friend today and we’re goin’ out to dinner. End of story. Don’t sit down, don’t sit down! I wanna show you somethin’.

FRANNIE: What?

THELMA: (opens refrigerator) this is your lasagna for dinner tonight. All you got to do is put it in the oven 350 degrees for 90 minutes.

FRANNIE: You are not suggesting that I prepare dinner after the exhausting and emotional day I have just had.

THELMA: Well, Vinton’s not as good with numbers as you are.

FRANNIE: I hardly think that a valid argument—

THELMA: Well, fine, they just don’t cook it! Eat a lasagna popsicle.

FRANNIE: Well, all right, I really don’t mind, I’ll do it. Actually, I’m glad to learn that you have a friend to go out to dinner with. What’s her name?

THELMA: (takes out dishes and utensils) His name is Woody Miller. (sings) Boo, boo, dittum dittum…

FRANNIE: A man?! Thelma… (runs to her) You are going to dinner with a man?

THELMA: No, Frannie, a basset hound.

FRANNIE: Oh, Thelma, it’s not that big, beady-eyed shoemaker— The one that’s always tryin’ to give you a free half sole?

THELMA: Well, for pete’s sake, Frannie.

FRANNIE: Well, it’s not that runty, little produce man? Thelma? You know, the one with the twitch?

THELMA: Well, good lord, Fran, I know more men than that.

FRANNIE: Well, I’m just tryin’ to find out. If you’re gonna go out with somebody peculiar.

THELMA: Down in the meadow in the itty-bitty-pool (sings)

FRANNIE: Thelma?

THELMA: Swam three little fishies and a mama fishy too. (goes to kitchen)

VINTON: Oh, hey, mama.

THELMA: Hello, Vinton. (opens ref) well, thank you.

VINTON: Well, look at you, all gussied up. Hee! You look great.

THELMA: Thank you.

VINTON: Oh, my lord, who died?

THELMA: Nobody died.

VINTON: Well, what are you wearin’ your funeral clothes for?

THELMA: Vinton, just because I wore this to a funeral once doesn’t make it a funeral dress. I wore it to the airport once too. Does that make it an airport dress?

FRANNIE: Your mama, it seems, has a date with a man this evening. Isn’t that wonderful?

VINTON: Well, yeah, that is wonderful. A date?! Well, I don’t know, mama, who is he?

THELMA: Woody Miller. We knew each other when we were young. (cuts cabbage) he got married and moved out of town, and I got married and stayed in town. I never saw him again till today.

VINTON: You saw him today?

THELMA: I was doin’ my marketing. Not expecting to run into anybody in particular—except for old Mrs. Potts, who always does her marketing every Wednesday afternoon. Anyhow, I noticed that somebody’s wavin’ at me.

FRANNIE: And it was Woody?

THELMA: Well, I can’t tell the story if I’m gonna be interrupted every time I open my mouth!

FRANNIE: I’m sorry, Thelma, I won’t interrupt.

THELMA: And it was Woody. He’s a widower living in Chicago, and he’s in town till tomorrow night visiting his sister.

FRANNIE: Oh, you mean he’s just in town overnight? Oh, well, isn’t that adorable? [giggles] Our Telma’s gonna have herself a fling.

THELMA: Oh, good lord, Frannie. What sort of fling could two old fossils like me and Woody have?

BUZZ: Hi, everybody. (grand kids enter)

FRANNIE: Children, look at your grandmother, doesn’t she look nice?

BUZZ: Sure do, grandma, who died?

VINTON: Nobody died, Buzz.

SONIA: Is she goin’ to the airport?

FRANNIE: Your grandma has a date with a man tonight.

BUZZ: I think that’s real nice (puts arm around her)

SONIA: I think it’s weird.

[doorbell rings]

BUZZ: I’ll get it.

THELMA: Freeze! It’s for me! (runs to the door, everyone watches) Who’s there?

WOODY: Down in the meadow in the itty-bitty pool (sings back)

THELMA: (looks at her family watching, straightens dress) Swim three little fishies (opens door)

WOODY: And a mama fishy, too.

THELMA: Swim, said the mama fishy, swim if you can (they both sing and dance) and they swam and they swam over the dam (hug)Oh, Woody!

WOODY: You cute thing you!

THELMA: Oh, bless your heart.

WOODY: I do hope that yellow roses are still your favorite. (hands her a bouquet)

THELMA: Well, you darlin’, you remembered! (they look at the family watching) That’s my family.

WOODY: That’s a relief, I thought it was a painting.

THELMA: Oh, come on out there, come meet Woody. (walk over) Come on, hurry up. Woody, this is my son, Vinton.

WOODY: Vint (shakes hand)

VINTON: Woody.

THELMA: This is Buzz and Sonia (shakes) Vinton’s children by his first wife who left him.

WOODY: Buzz, how are you?

THELMA: His current wife, Naomi, is out of town visiting relatives. Sonia, you wanna put those on water? (hands her bouquet)

WOODY: Wait a minute. (pulls one) A rose for a rose.

SONIA: (laughs and takes it) get serious.

WOODY: And who have we here?

THELMA: This is my unmarred sister, Fran.

FRANNIE: Yes. Ordinarily, they keep me hidden away in the attic. The mad spinster, don’t you know?

WOODY: (kisses hand) How do you do, Fran?

FRANNIE: Of course, I am unmarried by choice. I prefer to play the field, if you know what I mean.

THELMA: Woody, come on, we’re gonna be late.

VINTON: Uh, I don’t believe mama mentioned what line of work you’re in.

WOODY: She didn’t? I won a string of massage parlors.

VINTON: Oh?

THELMA: Oh, would you stop it?! He owns a great, big company, makes frozen foods.

WOODY: I was just pullin’ your leg, Vint.

VINTON: Well, I knew that. Frozen foods, huh? Bet there’s a pretty penny in that, huh?

WOODY: Probably not as lucrative as massage parlors, but I do alright.

THELMA: Well, you better do alright. Takin’ me to a fancy place like the Babylonian Roof Gardens.

VINTON: Babylonian Roof Gardens? Whoo! They even got valet parking down there. Boy, I’d be afraid to let one of ‘em park my car. How do you know it’s a real valet and not just some joker in a red coat who’s gonna take off in your vehicle?

THELMA: I wouldn’t worry about it, Vinton. They rarely steal pickup trucks without doors. Get the lead out, let’s go.

WOODY: Awfully nice meeting you all and don’t worry –I promise to have her home by curfew.

THELMA: Don’t wait up!

Plus-Size News! SHALLA MINGLES with screenwriter Shoe Schuster

2005-08-16T13:17:00.000-07:00

Remember Shoe Schuster?

He’s one of the writers competing in Bravo’s latest reality TV show, Situation Comedy. Yeah, from the Sperm Donor team.

--Guess what? We didn't chat, we mingled…

SHALLA MINGLES with screenwriter Shoe Schuster, get it on SHALLA GOES HOLLYWOOD this August, coming soon!

SITES-4-TRANSCRIPTS

2005-08-15T15:14:00.000-07:00

PILOTS

TELEVISION SCRIPTS IN DREWS SCRIPT'ORAMA

FREE TELEVISION SCRIPTS TVWIZ

SEX AND THE CITY Season One Transcript

2005-08-12T16:15:00.000-07:00

=======CAST: =======
Sarah Jessica Parker
as CARRIE BRADSHAW

Cynthia Nixon as MIRANDA HOBBES

Kristin Davis as CHARLOTTE YORK

Kim Cattrall as SAMANTHA JONES

SEASON ONE: Secret Sex

How many of us out there are having sex with people we are ashamed to introduce to our friends? Carrie thinks Mr. Big is keeping her a secret, while Miranda discovers a secret about her new boyfriend. Samantha has never been discreet with anyone she’s ever slept with, and Charlotte divulges her past love affair with one of God’s chosen people.

OPEN ON: Photo shoot. Fast music plays in the background and there are sounds of people talking.

Carrie is on the bed, posing, wearing a beige slip dress as flashes flare.
Carrie as voice over: Two weeks ago, I had my pic taken. It was a promotional photo for my column…

(Carrie covers her face, laughing, still poised on the bed, body laying on one side, one hand on her head, holding it up.)

Male Voice: Good, good.

(Pan to: Carrie in a pink tube top is sitting on a stool, a heavy black curtain for background behind her as flashes and sounds of a camera go off)

…scheduled to run on the side of the bus.

(Quick scene changes. One scene camera shoots her face as she looks into the camera and pans down her body and legs, still in slip dress, as she lays on the bed.)

…I had misgivings…

(Carrie sits on the end of the bed, wrapped in a white towel as her arms are on her sides while her feet kick up and down; Carrie with her laptop;)
…which was somewhat nullified when they told me I can keep the dress.

(Cut to: INT. CARRIE’S APARMENT-STUDY)

(CHARLOTTE gets up from a reclining chair, putting down a magazine she’s been reading and walks to the kitchen where Miranda and Samantha are raiding a cabinet with drinks.)

Friday night, in lieu of any actual social life of their own, Samantha, Miranda and Charlotte had all stopped by to live vicariously thru my first official date with Mr. Big.

(Charlotte goes to the refrigerator and picks up a plate of cookies sitting on top of it.)

CHARLOTTE: Carrie!
(Pan to Carrie turning the corner to them, wearing the beige slip dress.)

SAMANTHA: Oh honey, it’s fabulous! Bravooo!

MIRANDA: It’s tits on toes baby but you make it work.

CHARLOTTE: Let’s just say it, it’s the naked dress I mean you’re obviously going to have sex with him tonight.

CARRIE: Come on it’s our first date.

MIRANDA: She’s not going to have sex, she’s just gonna look like sex.

CARRIE: That’s right, I’m just a trailer.

SAMANTHA: Please. (pouring wine to a glass as we see Miranda already drinking some) If it happens, it happens. Bottoms up!

CHARLOTTE: (wearing black rimmed reading glasses) Wait a second…if you’re serious about this guy, you can’t sleep with him on the first date.

SAMANTHA: Oh god.

MIRANDA: (walking away) Here she goes again with the rules.

SAMANTHA: The women who wrote that book, they wrote it because they couldn’t get laid. (Samantha and Miranda settle in on the couch with their drinks while Charlotte and Carrie follow right behind) So they constructed this whole bullshit theory to get women who can get laid feel bad.

CHARLOTTE: (to Carrie) But if you’re serious about a guy then you have to keep him in a holding pattern for at least 5 dates.

CARRIE: Oh, you’ve gone up.

CHARLOTTE: Yes. Because the number of dates that you wait to have sex with a man is directly proportional to your age.

MIRANDA: Forget the math, just don’t screw on the first date and you’re fine.

CARRIE: 3rd date.

CHARLOTTE: Too soon.

SAMANTHA: Reality check. A guy can just as easily dump you if you screw on the first date and if you wait until the 10th.

MIRANDA: When have you ever been on a 10th date.

CHARLOTTE: And by then at least you’re emotionally involved.

SAMANTHA: Exactly. I mean isn’t it better to find out if sex is good right off the bat before anybody’s feelings get hurt?

CHARLOTTE: But it’s okay to have hurt feelings.

MIRANDA: And you always handle those so well.

CARRIE: Well there is something to be said for being straight.

SAMANTHA: Since when did you become such a Victorian.

CHARLOTTE: The Victorians were on to something. They valued romance.

MIRANDA: True romance cannot exist without good sex.

SAMANTHA: Yet, you can have good sex with someone you don’t like or respect or even remember.

(Door Buzzer)

CARRIE: Alright, well, ladies I’m going out for dinner. (Carrie puts her empty glass on the table.) Good night.

ALL: Bye!

CHARLOTTE: Have fun.

CARRIE: (excitedly) Bye!

(After she closes the door and is walking down the hall)

CARRIE: The truth is, I was dying to sleep with him. But isn’t delayed gratification the definition of maturity? (eyebrow lifts)

(CUT TO: NY street, Nighttime. A taxi and cars are parked on the side. Sounds of moving vehicles. Though the sidewalk is dimly lit, we see a man next to a car. He looks like he may be well dressed, wearing a suit.

(Pan to: Carrie in slip dress, long fur coat, walking towards him in high heels, smiling, holding a thin purse. They come face to face.)

MR. BIG: Interesting dress.

CARRIE: Meaning?

MR. BIG: Interesting dress… (he grins, opening the limo’s back door for her, she goes in. He follows and checks out her bare legs.) Don’t worry, I am perfectly capable of restraining myself.

CARRIE: So am I.(their eyes meet, voila! Passion erupts! They kiss and make out.)

(CUT TO: BEDROOM. We see legs, feet, and arms moving the rest of their bodies, hidden behind a bed.)

CARRIE: (voice over) I can’t be hemmed in by rules I go with my emotions. I mean some of the greatest romances of all time began with sex on the first date…I bet. (Pan over the bed, to the couple on the floor. Mr. Big is lying on his back, eyes closed with Carrie with her arms on his chest as she kisses his body.) I will not be the first one to speak and if he never calls me again I’ll think of him fondly, as an asshole.

CARRIE: That was really and completely…on the first date. I mean, I didn’t plan that you know. What do you think?

MR. BIG: Well…ahh. (He pulls his arm from under her.) I thought it was really pretty great but what do I know. You feel like having some sachwan?
(They look at each other)

(Cut to: INT Chinese Restaurant) Pan from the back of the cook to the plate of beans and vegetables, through the food counter, an Asian waiter in uniform who takes a plate of noodles towards a table where yards from him, we see Carrie and Mr. Big enter.

CARRIE: (voice over) Has Mr. Big discovered my weakness for great sex & greasy Chinese. Or was going out to dinner merely a diversionary tactic to keep me from spending the night. (they remove their jackets and hang them on their seats when Carrie spots someone) Before I was able to completely indulge my paranoia, it was my pal Mike Singer. We’ve known each other for 10 yrs. But never had sex because we want to know each other for another 10 years.

CARRIE: Hey.

MIKE: Carr—what are you doing here?

CARRIE: Well, I’m along with a—

MIKE: You look great.

CARRIE: Not too naked? (Carrie looks at Mike’s date but he doesn’t seem to want to introduce them)

MIKE: Just naked enough.

CARRIE: (to Mike’s date) Hi, I’m Carrie Bradshaw, I’m an old friend of
Mike’s.(they shake hands)

LIBBY: I’m Libby Viomic. It’s so nice to finally meet you.

MIKE: So I’ll call you.

CARRIE: Okay, great, have a good dinner. (she smiles, nodding to Libby) Nice to meet you. (voice over) I left the table wondering why Mike didn’t want to introduce me to his date.

Scene 4 At a Kickboxing class. Women in boxing mitts, hit punching bags. Instructor’s voice in the background.

CARRIE: That very same night something absolutely amazing happened to Miranda. (Miranda’s practicing kicking the punch bag, held by a classmate when she accidentally kicks him on the face)

MIRANDA: Oh my god! Oh my god! I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to… (she drops to the guy holding his eye)

CARRIE: (voice over) She met someone at gym class.
(After class, Miranda’s walking down the street with the classmate.)

MIRANDA: Are you sure you’re okay?

TED: I’m fine. So what exactly about my head pissed you off?

MIRANDA: I wish there was something I could do.

TED: Well you can buy me dinner sometime and a CAT scan.

CARRIE: (voice over) His name was Ted Baker. He was 32 years old, a sports doctor with an apartment overlooking the Natural History Museum. 3 prior serious relationships, none resulting in marriage.
(she kisses him on the forehead)MIRANDA: Kiss to make it better. (she kisses him on the forehead)

TED: So, really, can I call you sometime?

MIRANDA: Sure.

(EXT: PARK, leaves have fallen off of trees. Carrie’s wearing a blue scarf and brown jacket while Miranda has a white shirt and dark blue blazer on)
MIRANDA: He left a message on my machine when I got home. He wants to go out this week.

CARRIE: Hey, that’s fantastic.

MIRANDA: Well, it’s too quick. I think maybe that kick in his head scrambled his brain.

CARRIE: What’s too quick is sleeping with him on the first date. That’s too quick.

MIRANDA: You both got excited and you went for it. Stop blaming yourself.

CARRIE: No, I don’t blame myself, I blame the dress, the dress. The dress led me on, it had a life of its own. Then we went to this Chinese Restaurant afterwards and you’ll never guess who I ran into.

MIRANDA: Who?

CARRIE: Ted, out on a date.

MIRANDA: The whole world’s in love.

CARRIE: I’m not sure. I don’t know. He was acting very weird like he didn’t want me to meet her or something.

MIRANDA: What’s her name?

(INT: BED BATH AND BEYOND. Pan from shoppers looking at products to Carrie and Mike are flopped on pillows)

CARRIE: (voice over) Her name was Livvy Biollock. Mike told me everything that afternoon while I helped him pick out sheets at Bed Bath and Beyond.
CARRIE: So how long have you been seeing her?
MIKE: Awhile.
CARRIE: Is this a painful topic?
MIKE:No, it’s just that she’s not someone I date openly.
CARRIE: Why is she married? Is she a cousin?
MIKE: No, look, the thing is she’s smart, incredibly sweet…sex is great. She’s just not the one I see my self with.
CARRIE: Why not?(voice over) It was about 6 months ago. Mike had been dumped by Fiona Mavreck, a cellist from the Phil Harmonic who he was trying to forget as quickly as possible.
(Pan thru small food store) They had both loved to cook and shopping was a Saturday morning ritual so he was feeling particularly vulnerable when…
LIVVY: (Holding a big chunk of cheese) Care to try some cheese from the Taorolian Alps?
MIKE: Thanks.
(Livvy gives him a sample, Ted tastes it)
MIKE: Hmmm, it’s good.
LIVVY: It’s made by monks. Taorists monks. Geppos cheese from the Napa Valley. (she smiles and gives him another sample)
MIKE: It’s delicious.
LIVVY: It’s a triple cream from France. (she smiles and tastes her finger)
(CUT TO: Libby and Mike kissing with passion as they enter an apartment)
CARRIE: (voice over) Mike found himself very uninhibited.
(They kiss to the living room, moaning as they go. He tears open her red top. She pulls his pants down, revealing blue boxers, they fall on the bed, getting it on) Since he didn’t think Libby was that gorgeous there wasn’t any pressure. (Mike and Livvy are on the sofa naked, only a small throw and some fabric covering them.) The next morning, he woke up and felt at ease, very relaxed.
MIKE: I’m a creative director at that agency but eventually, I’d love to have my own shop.
LIVVY: I’d love to have my own shop too. Well, cheese shop I mean.
MIKE: She was one of the only women he’d ever met whom he felt he could just be with.
(Back to the Bath and Body, Carrie’s still lying on the pillows with Mike)
CARRIE: So what’s the problem?
MIKE: Look, she’s not beautiful. And we don’t have a lot in common. You know, most of her friends are in dairy. Well, she’s warm and unpretentious and…she’s the best sex I’ve ever had in my life.
CARRIE: What are you afraid of? What other people are going to think?

MIKE: Look, all I know is that she’s not the right woman for me in the larger sense. So I keep her a secret.

CARRIE: (voice over) I couldn’t decide whether Mike was being shallow or honest. But the question nagged me for days.

(INT: CARRIE’S APARTMENT) Carrie typing on computer(voice over) How many of us out there are having great sex with people we’re ashamed to introduce to our friends?

(CUT TO: INT CARRIE’S APARTMENT. Samantha has a drink in her hand.)

SAMANTHA: Did I ever have fabulous sex with someone I didn’t to admit to hmmm…did I ever tell you about that jazz musician who lived with his mother in Queens?

CARRIE: Yeah—Allan. (she’s looking thru books and papers)

SAMANTHA: What about the window washer?

CARRIE: He doesn’t wear underwear?

SAMANTHA: I met this gorgeous kid in Spy Bar last year…
CARRIE: He turned out to be in HS.

(voice over) Evidently, Samantha has had lots of sex. None of which was secret.

SAMANTHA: Fine, it just proves that I’m not ashamed of anyone whom I’ve slept with.

CARRIE: Okay, here it is (Carrie holds up a poster, rolls it onto the wall where Samantha helps her tack it on)

SAMANTHA: Aw, you look—

CARRIE: Naked. (voice over) There it was, the dress that down the garden path with Mr. Big. Should I be embarrassed?

SAMANTHA: No, you look fabulous. Besides, there’s no such thing as bad publicity.

SAMANTHA: Yeah, you would say that. You’re a publicist.

SAMANTHA: We need to go some place absolutely fabulous where we can toast you when the bus comes by and you can invite Mr. Big.

CARRIE: No, no, I don’t think so. I haven’t heard from him since we spent the night together.

SAMANTHA: Oh sweetie, forget about him. You are going to be on the side of a bus. 10 million men are going to be drooling over you every morning on their way to work. It’s the best personal ad I’ve ever seen in my life.

CARRIE: (voice over) Samantha had a particular knack for turning a desperate situation to a hopeless one.

SAMANTHA: Oh, speaking of secret sex, did Charlotte ever tell you about the rabbi?

CARRIE: The rabbi?

(CUT TO: INT: ART GALLERY. Carrie and Samantha are talking to Charlotte)

CHARLOTTE: Excuse me?

SAMANTHA: Oh, you know what we’re talking about—

CHARLOTTE: I cannot believe that the two of you came here to interrogate me at work.

CARRIE: I’m sorry, it’s my fault.

CHARLOTTE: Anyway, he wasn’t a rabbi, he was a hessidic folklorist from Brooklyn.
SAMANTHA: Close enough.

(CUT TO: EXT: STREET OF BROOKLYN, People in Jewish garb are walking, we see Charlotte asking for directions)

Evidently, Charlotte had seen Smidt’s work at Hampton and scheduled an appointment to meet him at his studio. (Cut’s to Charlotte walking down stair case of an art studio with Smidt)

CHARLOTTE: These are outstanding. So much life. You have a beautiful way with light.

SMIDT: Thank you.

CHARLOTTE: (she walks over to a huge painting) Now this one’s really special.

SMIDT: That’s my Shiva. I wanted to capture the exuberance of youth.

CARRIE: (voice over) Charlotte quickly became intoxicated by his talent, his strangeness and the smell of his wool.

CHARLOTTE: Magical
(they kiss, make out)

CARRIE: (voice over) It was so sexy. So perfect. Daddy’s little episcopelian princess in the arms of one of God’s chosen people.
(CUT TO: INT OF ART GALLERY)

CHARLOTTE: It’s all about art and Sex and the Tora.

CARRIE: Well, why didn’t you introduce him to anyone?

CHARLOTTE: I was embarrassed. I mean I couldn’t really date him. He couldn’t date me. I mean what would people think.

SAMANTHA: If the sex is good, who cares what anybody else thinks?

CHARLOTTE: Now you, do not put this in your column, promise.

CARRIE: I promise.(voice over) Was good sex the ultimate form of intimacy since it existed in a pure state exempt from the judgment of the world or is it just another way in which we deny our feelings and emotionally compartmentalize our lives? (phone rings, Mr. Big)

MR. BIG: You miss me yet?

CARRIE: Who is this?

MR. BIG: How have you been?

CARRIE: Oh, great. Fabulous, fantastic and you?

MR. BIG: Well, on the risk of sounding trite, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you.

CARRIE: I adore trite.

MR. BIG: Listen, we should have a real first date. You know the true American type, dinner and a movie? Of course, knowing us, we’ll skip the movie.

CARRIE: Just as long as we don’t skip dinner. What a relief. I had just escaped the sex on the first date curse.

(CUT TO: EXT: NY STREET) Carrie is walking streets with Mr. Big

CARRIE: That weekend I was out with a man whose name I wanted to shout from the roof tops.

MR. BIG: (He’s got his arm around her as they walk) Let me get this straight, your picture is going to be on a bus.

CARRIE: That’s right.

MR. BIG: A cross town bus or downtown bus?

CARRIE: The M2, goes right down 5th.

MR. BIG: That’s a good line.

CARRIE: I’m getting together a group of my friends tomorrow to watch them arrive maybe if you weren’t doing anything…

(A man comes out of his store with his hand out to Mr. Big) Hey, how are you?
MR. BIG: Hey (Mr. Big shakes hand with man with wife) How are you?

MAN: Good to see you. You remember Phillis.

MR. BIG: Of course, Phillis, how are you?

MAN: Everything good?

MR. BIG: Yeah, everything’s dandy.

MAN: That’s what I hear. So umm—good to see you.

MR. BIG: Good to see you again.

MAN AND PHILLIS: Ba bye, cheers.

(Carrie and Mr. Big starts walking again)

CARRIE: Who was that?

MR. BIG: Oh just some guy I skied with in Aspen.

CARRIE: (voice over) I didn’t understand, had I suddenly become the invisible woman? I tried not to let it bother me. I also tried not to let it bother me that he took me back to Fung Hoa, scene of our post coital dinner.
MR. BIG: Oh I-I can’t make it to your party tomorrow.

CARRIE: Oh no, I wanted to introduce you to my friends.

MR. BIG: Well, I’ll be home later if you miss me.

CARRIE: (voice over) As I surveyed the room, I realized it smelled like a cheap date you don’t want anyone to meet. I told Mr. Big I was on a deadline and I had to get home.
(Mike in home office, phone call from Carrie in her kitchen)CARRIE: Listen, I have a question of all the restaurants in Manhattan why did you take Libby to Fung Hoa?

MIKE: Well, it’s pretty obscure. Not much of a chance of running into anybody I know.

CARRIE: So you mean, it’s a kind of a place where men take women they don’t want to be seen with in public?

MIKE: Yes, it’s perfect for that. Ohhh, sorry.

CARRIE: (voice over) The evidence was mounting. Was it possible that I have become Mr. Big ’s secret sex girl?
(CUT TO: INT: BEAUTIFUL APARTMENT. Miranda’s in bed as Ted steps down stairs and walks towards her)

The next morning, Miranda discovered a shocking sex secret of her own. She had just spent a wonderful night with Ted who had to leave early in the morning to catch a flight to DC for a spinal conference.

MIRANDA: I can go home, it’s no big deal.

TED: No, no stay, it’s 6AM. (they kissed) Be back tonight. Wanna do something?

MIRANDA: I’d love to.

TED: I’ll call you tomorrow.

MIRANDA: Have a good flight.

CARRIE: (voice over) Miranda waited for the deadbolt to drop and then used the opportunity to ransack Ted’s apartment and look for pictures of old girlfriends. She was not at all prepared for what she found.

(CUT TO: INT: BEDROOM WATCHING VIDEO. Miranda and Carrie watching Spanked video on TV)

MIRANDA: I don’t know what to do. I can’t admit to having found this but now I don’t know if I want to see him again.

CARRIE: How can you judge him ‘til you spank him? I’m only kidding.

MIRANDA: But obviously this is what he’s into.

CARRIE: Maybe it’s just his fantasy life.

(CUT TO: EXT: NY STREET, Carrie, Charlotte, Samantha are in different colored party hats. Samantha is pouring each woman champagne)

CARRIE: Late that day, the creative NY gathered to toast the maiden voyage of my bus.

SAMANTHA: Where’s Mr. Big?

CARRIE: Couldn’t make it.

CHARLOTTE: What do you mean he couldn’t make it?

CARRIE: I don’t know it’s a work day.

CHARLOTTE: Oh, but this is your bus party. Oh…I told you you shouldn’t have, well never mind.

CARRIE: What, he’s not here because I slept with him on the first date?

CHARLOTTE: Basically yes. When you sleep with a man on the first date otherwise it won ’t be anything more than just sex.

CARRIE: Uh-huh. Cheers (toasted champagne) I didn’t want to admit that she was right.

(a bus is driving up)

SAMANTHA: Ah, here it comes!

CARRIE: (voice over) I just wanted to see my bus and get the hell out of there. (But it wasn’t the bus)

CHARLOTTE: Oh—shoot.

MIKE: Carrie!

CARRIE: Hey!

MIKE: Did I miss it?

CARRIE: No, hey, I thought you were going to bring Libby?

MIKE: Oh yeah, I finally asked her to go out with me in public, she turned me down.

CARRIE: Why?

MIKE: She told me she met somebody else who doesn’t have my problems with intimacy.

CARRIE: Oh, I’m sorry.

SAMANTHA: Ah, quiet…(a bus comes) Here you come! (they gasp, the picture had a mustache drawn on)

CHARLOTTE: Ohhh

SAMANTHA: Oh don’t worry sweetie, don’t worry. Nobody in NY notices a bus until it’s about to hit them.

CHARLOTTE: That’s right.

(CUT TO: EXT: Miranda and Ted coming out of restaurant)

CARRIE: (voice over) Meanwhile, Miranda spent another wonderful evening with Ted and began to reevaluate her options.

MIRANDA: That was one of the most amazing meals I have ever had. Thank you.

TED: My pleasure. You know, I missed you today. (he’s holding her hand)
MIRANDA: You did?

TED: I guess I’ve just been waiting all this time for a good kick in the head.

MIRANDA: And here I thought that all you really needed was a good spanking.

TED: Excuse me? (he pulls away and looks at her surprised)

MIRANDA: You heard me.

TED: Oh. (he walks away from Miranda)

CARRIE: (voice over) Ted didn’t take Miranda home that night. He never took her calls or returned her messages. And she never saw him at the gym again.

(CUT TO: INT: Carrie on to Mr. Big’s apartment)

CARRIE: (voice over) Very late that night fueled by a massive quantity of champagne I decided to say good bye to Mr. Big. (she knocks on door, he opens it, looking like he’s been sleeping)

CARRIE: I just came here to tell you that if you’re embarrassed or ashamed to be involved with me in any way then we can no longer see each other.(voice over) The truth is I blame myself. I wore the naked dress on our first date. I slept with him too fast. And now I’m on a 5th Ave bus with a mustache on my face.

MR. BIG: What are you talking about?

CARRIE: You don’t introduce me to your friends. (she goes to his bar and gets a drink in a martini glass)You bring me back to that restaurant where men take women they don’t want to be seen with. You won’t come out and meet my friends. You have me in a niche for certain events, certain restaurants, certain people like I’m only a particular fragment of the kind of person that you think you should be dating.

MR. BIG: But I’ve only gotten to know a particular fragment. Although I’m beginning to know more.

CARRIE: Well, this is not me. This is me (she flings her arm, spilling her drink) reacting to your perception of me.

MR. BIG: Oh, okay. Well, I think Fung Hoa is the best Chinese food in the city so that’s why we went there. And uh, oh, the guy we met in the street, and I couldn’t remember his name—which probably means I have altzeimers so that’s what that was about. And this afternoon I had courtside tickets to the Knicks and that’s all, folks. (Mr. BIG drinks from martini glass)

CARRIE: (voice over) I should have been jumping for joy, but I only felt a hard knot of fear.

CARRIE: So, you and me, then maybe this is for real?

MR. BIG: (Mr. B pulls her in.) Could be. (They kiss. Mr. B picks her up and pulls her to the bedroom)

-END-

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JAKE IN PROGRESS: Season One PILOT

2005-08-12T11:18:00.000-07:00

=== CAST: ===

John Stamos as Jake Phillips

Ian Gomez as Adrian

Rick Hoffman as Patrick

Wendie Malick as Naomi

Transcript

OPEN ON: [EXT. NY CITY STEET- DAY]

Camera pans up a NY Skyscraper, NY neighborhood, people, park, street sign, taxi, bus/city, pans down from a builing to Stamos in a suit with a cell phone to his ear, talking:

JAKE: Shane, listen. You gotta stop beating yourself up over this.

SHANE: This is terrible! It’s gonna wreck my career!

JAKE: Please, you’re a superstar. Now, here’s the plan. I’m gonna book you on 20/20. You’re gonna cry a little bit and then tell everyone your side of the story.

(Cut to Shane on the tub, feet up on the side.)

SHANE: Who? Who? And what’s my side of the story again?

JAKE: It was dark out. You were woozy from cough medicine.
Come on. There’s no way you could have known she was a hooker… or cop… or a man.

SHANE: Ohh! The whole world’s gonna think I’m gay.

JAKE: Oh no, they’re gonna think you’re complex. (drops down and pets a dog) You know it’s all part of the whole Shane bad-boy mystique (Jake passes a woman and they connect eye to eye)

SHANE: Good, ‘cause I’m not gay. Right?

JAKE: Absolutely, yeah. You’re not gay. Listen um, stay in tonight okay? Get some rest, because you start shooting tomorrow morning.

SHANE: Yeah, I was thinking I could do one more boxing workout before Bruckheimer sees me tomorrow.

JAKE: Okay, there’s a gym at the hotel.

SHANE: I want to do it at Madison Square Garden.

JAKE: Madison Square Garden?

SHANE: Yeah, it feels right for the character.

JAKE: All right. Let me make some calls and see what I can do.

SHANE: Hey, you sure this whole sex-with-a-guy thing isn’t a big deal?

JAKE: Shane, I’m telling you., it isn’t even news.

Jake looks down and sees latest newspaper headline SHANE NABBED AT POLICEMAN’S BALL. He closes the phone with a worried look on his face.

Cut to: The same Headliner.

KYLIE: Naomi, I’m really not sure about tonight.

NAOMI: Hey, don’t you even think about canceling on him.

KYLIE: You know how I feel about blind dates.

NAOMI: Well, blind dates are better than no dates which is what you’ve had for months.

KYLIE: Oh, you’re one to talk.

NAOMI: Oh, yeah, because nothing turns guys on more than a middle-aged pregnant woman on the loose.

KYLIE: But I barely know anything about this guy.

NAOMI: Well, he’s got a job, so you know, that might scare you off. And he doesn’t wear sandals, so you’d have to get used to that.

(split screen)

KYLIE: Excuse me for liking guys who are passionate and artistic and maybe, just maybe, have something called a soul, as opposed to some slick-suited with his ear permanently attached to his cell phone.

(3 screen split Kylie, Jake and Naomi and we see Jake exits elevator, gets greeted by co-worker with Shane’s newspaper headline; grabs balloon from flower arrangement, checks his reflection on it, hands it to secretary/receptionist who gives him a note)

NAOMI: Would you just trust me, please? Jake is different. He’s honest and he’s handsome without knowing it.

KYLIE: Uh-huh.

NAOMI: Really, he’s very charming. Oh, what can I say, Kylie? He’s just…Jake.

Jake’s walking with male assistant following right behind him with pad and pen, taking his orders down.
JAKE: Kenny, Shane Cox wants a box at Madison Square Garden. Make it happen.

KEN: How am I supposed to do that?

JAKE: Hey, we rented out the Statue of Liberty so 50 cent could have an Easter Egg Hunt. Pull some strings. Use my connections. Any calls?

KEN: Uh, yeah, Bethany.

JAKE: Again? How many times is that?

KEN: That’d be three.

JAKE: Rule of four, Ken. One more unreturned call, and she’ll get the hint. And grab my blue suit pronto. (Jake enters his office) Adrian.

ADRIAN: (sitting on his chair, watching TV, remote in hand) Hey sexy. Check out this David Blaine wannabe. He locked himself in that box for a month. Some kind of performance arts thing. People are nuts.

JAKE: Fascinating. Out of my chair. What are you doing here?

ADRIAN: Well, buddy, I got some really big news and I thought you should be the first to know. Caitlin’s out of town! (he dances)

JAKE: Stop it. Stop that.

ADRIAN: We’re going out tonight, Jakey. You and me, just like we used to. No curfew. No guilt from the wifey. No faking an asthma attack to avoid talking about our relationship

JAKE: Listen, I would love to go out with you tonight but I can’t.

ADRIAN: Wait, well, what are you talking about? Jake, this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity (follows Jake around the desk) because I’m pretty sure Caitlin’s Aunt is not going to die again. Why can’t you?

NAOMI: Oh, there he is. My knight in Shining Armani. Mmm. MMM! God, you smell good, (she hugs Jake) which already puts you leagues ahead of her last boyfriend.

JAKE: Yeah, Naomi, you remember, my collage roommate, Adrian.

NAOMI: Mmmm, yeah.

ADRIAN: Wow, you sure are big. Any day now?

NAOMI: I’m only six months pregnant.

ADRIAN: Oh. Your husband must be proud.

NAOMI: Dad is donor number 328.6A. I only care that he’s blond and not retarded. (to Jake) Okay, now listen to me. When you get over to her apartment tonight, don’t forget to compliment her photography.

JAKE: Just so we’re clear on this, does she take it, collect it or pose for it? Please tell me she poses for it in a way that makes her feel ashamed later.

NAOMI: (She takes it.) Jake, I want you to be very sweet to my baby sister. The girl hasn’t had a date in like months. So just, you know, show her a good time.

JAKE: All right.

NAOMI: Not a great time. Just, you know, a good time.

ADRIAN: You’re going on a blind date with your boss’ sister? You are so screwed.

JAKE: Oh, I’m not screwed if I don’t go. Oh, it’s my own fault. I made the mistake of telling Naomi I’m tired of dating women who never challenge me. (Jake takes his shirt off and women and even a guy watch appreciatively) I mean come on, Adrian. How many vapid, thong-wearing tantric-sex-loving models with fake tans and butterfly tattos on the small of their back can I date? It’s horrible.

ADRIAN: Caitlin doesn’t even have a small of her back. It’s all large.

JAKE: Don’t complain. At least you have someone to go home to every night. Someone who knows you and loves you. I haven’t had that since Annie left.

ADRIAN: You’ll find it again, Jake and when you do, you’ll realize it’s… overrated.

(Cut to Kylie in blue sweater.)

KYLIE: How do I look?

VAL: Like a Hasidic Jew going on your first trip to the mall.

KYLIE: All right, maybe this skirt’s a little long but I just don’t want to give off the wrong idea. What, the fun zone is off limits.

VAL: I think that’s coming thru loud and clear.

(phone rings and Kylie runs to it while roommate goes to the bathroom)

KYLIE: Hello?

PATRICK: Hi, Kylie. What are you doing?

KYLIE: Not much Patrick.

PATRICK: Really? Because it looks to me like you’re getting ready for something. Like a date, per se.

KYLIE: You got to stop watching me. (she goes to her window, it’s the Davin Blaine wannabe)

PATRICK: Um, Kylie, I’m entombed in a plexiglass right now, so there’s really not a lot to do in here, you know what I mean? Especially since my favorite fly died. Wait, Kylie, where are you going?

KYLIE: We broke up three months ago, Patrick. My life is no longer you’re business.

PATRICK: Oh, no, no, no, no. no no no no. you see, don’t you understand. I’ve stayed in this thing for 27 long days because of you. And whatk, now you’re telling me like, it’s just none of my business?

KYLIE: I didn’t ask you to do it.

PATRICK: Oh, no. You didn’t have to because I chose to create an original artistic state men as a symbol of my commitment to you.

KYLIE: Yeah, did you kind of copy that from David Blaine?

PATRICK: Okay, you know what? Ay, David Blaine is a hack, Kylie. And just so you know, I was encasing myself in plexiglass when he was still pulling coins out of kid’s asses at birthday parties. Wait, I’m sorry, I’m sorry Kylie, come back. Can you just come back? Hey? Hi. Hi, listen, K-bear, I need you.

KYLIE: You need fluids, fresh air and a trained professional for 50 minutes twice a week. Got to go. (closes blinds) Oh crap! (Clock 7:10)

Cut to another Scene (Clock that says. 7:10)

ADRIAN: Ew, you still got that disgusting sweaty palms thing.

JAKE: It’s called hyperhidrosis, and it’s a serious medical condition. Why don’t you go tease a guy in a wheelchair?

ADRIAN: Are you actually nervous about this date?

ADRIAN, I got to tell you, these random hookups are more stress than they’re worth. They’re not even fun anymore.

ADRIAN: Random hookups. All mine are scheduled and involve Caitlin.

(cell phone rings)

JAKE: Hold on. (Jake answers his cell) It’s Jake.

SHANE: Yo.

JAKE: Oh, hey, Shane, you’re all set. Madison Square Garden is yours for the next hour.

SHANE: Sweet, Jake baby! Now, just one more thing, find me a sparring partner and have him there in 10.

JAKE: But. (Shane hangs up) Pallie, how’d you like to go to a boxing match at Madison Square Garden?

ADRIAN: How are the seats?

JAKE: Very close.

Cut to Kylie’s apartment where she tries to go to bathroom but door’s lock.

KYLIE: Val, Val, open up, honey. I need a good mirror to finish my makeup.

(But Val’s in the tub with headphones listening to music and can’t hear)

KYLIE: Val? How many times do I have to tell you that when you listen to music in the tub, you can’t hear me?

(no answer)

KYLIE: why am I yhelling at you if you can’t hear me?

Cut to Adrian and Jake in a taxi

ADRIAN: He’s buff and scary and he’s gonna kill me!

JAKE: Come on, look, he’s just an actor pretending to be a boxer and he’s not that good an actor. Oh, hey, right here, right her. Look, please, just babysit the guy for an hour. That’ll give me enough time to grab a quick drink with the girl and make my boss happy. Come on, then we’ll have a good time after that, you and me. We’ll go out. Maybe we’ll go to a—

ADRIAN: Strip club and massage parlor, S& M?

JAKE: You’ve been thinking about this night for a long time, haven’t you?

ADRIAN: Maybe.

JAKE: (gets out of cab, drops wallet on floor) Oh and by the way, Shane’s a recovering alcoholic don’t let the guy near a drink.

(Jake walks up the apartment door)

ADRIAN: Ow. (to driver) Garden.

Cut to Kylie’s apartment. Val? Val. (Kylie knocks on bathroom then puts eyeliner and accidentally pierces her eye when Jake rings the doorbell.) Uh…oh. Her white top is stained by the pencil and she tries to rub it off but make it worse. Buzzer rings again.

MAN: They heard you the first time. Nobody likes a double buzzer.

JAKE: Thanks for the tip.

MAN: You’re gonna buzz again, aren’t you?

JAKE: I was thinking about it, yes.

KYLIE: Jake?

JAKE: Yep.

KYLIE: Can you come up? (having trouble with her eye, blinking rapidly)

JAKE: Sure. Oh, by the way, if this doesn’t work out, you and me, we’re going dancing.

(Man puts tobacco into his mouth, shaking his head.)

(Jake goes up the staircase-Kylie still fixing her eye in front of the mirror, Jake knocks, puts powder on his hands, shakes excess off and knocks again)

JAKE: (sighs) One drink and I’m out. (Split Screen, Jake on left side, Kylie on right still rapidly blinking, coming to open the door, a black stain now on her white top)

Compliment her photography, or her painting.

KYLIE: (split screen behind the door) This is gonna be fun. I can do this.

JAKE: No, no, her photography.

KYLIE: (opens the door, smiling.) Oh my god, it’s you.

JAKE: Yah, hi, I’m Jake Phillips. Nice to meet you.

KYLIE: Nice to meet me? (she looks upset) Nice to meet me? Ohh! (slams the door to his face)

JAKE: (chuckles) Hello? I couldn’t look that bad, could I? I love your photography…

KYLIE: (Making a face, she opens the door)

JAKE: Hi there.

KYLIE: You don’t remember me, do you?

JAKE: Yes, I do. Of course I remember you. You’re—I remember you—you’re Kylie.

KYLIE: Uh-huh.

JAKE: Naomi’s sister.

KYLIE: And?

JAKE: And her favorite sibling.

KYLIE: And?

JAKE: And quite frankly, a little conversational.

KYLIE: Okay, had a great time. Thanks for the date.

JAKE: Oh, oh, no, no I remember. Of course I remember you. You… (sneezes) you have a cat and I have allergies. See, I remember everything. Uh, so why don’t we go grab a drink?

KYLIE: I don’t think I’m gonna be grabbing a drink with you.

JAKE: Why not?

KYLIE: Oh I don’t know, maybe because I thought we had a great night together and you never called. And the worst part about it is you’re such a man whore you don’t even remember it.

JAKE: Man-whore. I think you’re confusing me with someone else.

KYLIE: Oh really? Let’s see, you cry every time you watch Jerry Mcguire.

JAKE: Who doesn’t.

KYLIE: You celebrated your 32nd birthday for the past three years because you’re terrified of getting older. And you carry around a little talcum powder in your pocket, because when you get nervous your palms get sweaty.

JAKE: H-How do you know about that? (Jake sees he leaves wet hand print on her wall

KYLIE: Because your hands were so slippery that night, I had to take my own bra off. (she turns away he pulls her back)

JAKE: Wait, wait, quick question. You haven’t mentioned any of this to your sister, have you?

KYLIE: No, not yet, but…

JAKE: He looks behind her as her roommate comes out of the bathroom naked.

Jake waves at her while Kylie’s mouth’s open in shock.

VAL: No way. (slips on the floor)

KYLIE: Oh! Can you excuse me a second?

JAKE: It’s okay, I’ve seen naked women before. I won’t remember a thing, just ask Kayla.

VAL: Kylie!

JAKE: See? (looks around looking for clues and calls friend)

ADRIAN: Hello?

JAKE: Hey Adrian, my blind date says we’ve hooked up before, but I don’t remember her.

ADRIAN: (Laughs).

JAKE: This isn’t funny. I need your help. All right, you know what I’ll do? I’m gonna send you a picture of her. You’re gonna help me figure out who the hell this girl is. Okay?

ADRIAN: Okay, all right just relax. I know exactly who can help. Just call your boss and ask her where you might have forked her little sister (laughs, leaves wallet in taxi and greasy looking man picks I tup) You are so screwed.

JAKE: Oh god, this is so terrible. I should remember someone I slept with especially this one. It’s the first girl that called on my crap in a long time and I got to tell you, it’s kind of working for me.

Cut to Kylie and roommate talking in the bedroom

VAL: Why didn’t you tell me there was a guy out there?

KYLIE: Do you realize who that is? Tricia’s wedding Jake.

VAL: The Tricia’s wedding Jake?

KYLIE: Yeah. Can you imagine that’s my sister’s idea of a guy I would be attracted to?

VAL: Well, didn’t you sleep with him?

KYLIE: Okay, but that’s not the point. We really connected that night. We drank tons of champagne. We danced to every song, even celebrate good time. I really opened up to him.

VAL: Yeah, I’ll say. How many times did you guys, uh….

KYLIE: That’d be four.

VAL: That’d be…jealous.

KYLIE: Don’t be. Stupid jerk doesn’t even remember who I am. You know what? I’m done. I don’t care anymore. Does this look cute?

JAKE: (split screen Adrian and Jake) Did the picture come through yet?

ADRIAN: Adrian checks picture on phone as sees boxer on ring) oh my sweet lord.

JAKE: You recognize her?

ADRIAN: No, god, no.

SHANE: Who are you?

ADRIAN:I-I’m your sparring partner?

SHANE: Good, because I’m in the mood to hit somebody. (boxer throws jabs)

ADRIAN: Of course you are. (grunting)

JAKE: (Jake on phone) Adrian? (cat scratches his hand) Son of a—aah! (Jake washes scratch on running water in sink)

KYLIE: You okay?

JAKE: Yes, no, I’m fine, I’m fine. I’m just bonding with your kitty. Friendly pet. Nice top. Adrian, I’ll call you back.

KYLIE: You, know, typical—I leave the room for a second and you’re already on your cell phone.

JAKE: Well, you were gone a long time.

KYLIE: I know, that was a cue for you to leave.Listen, I’m gonna let you off the hook. I won’t get you in trouble with my sister. I’ll just say that we had a great time, but that it just wasn’t meant to be (blinking rapidly) Okay?

JAKE: What’s the deal with your eye? (points to it)

KYLIE: Nothing, I poked myself with an eyeliner before you got here.

JAKE: All right, let me see

KYLIE: No, no I’m fine.

JAKE: Don’t worry, I have gentle hands.

KYLIE: Yes, I remember.

JAKE: Ahh, mmm. (sits her down) All right. (wipes hand on jacket) look up. Let’s see. Look up. (looks in her eye, pulls its side)

KYLIE: Ay, you’re being really nice right now but it doesn’t change the way I feel. One-n9ight stands might be a regular event in your world, but I had never done that before.

JAKE: Never?

KYLIE: No! I believe in romance and commitment before I do something like that.

JAKE: I believe in booze and soft lighting before I do it.

KYLIE: See, that’s exactly—

JAKE: Shh! Look up. (he wipes the rim of her eye with handkerchief) Almost. There, got it. See?

KYLIE: (She tests her eyes, rolls it around and closes it) wow, that—that’s uh, much better. Thank you.

JAKE: All right. Well, I’m gonna go.

KYLIE: Okay.

JAKE: I’m leaving. (stalls) I’m just gonna leave and once again, nice naked photography.

(telephone rings)

ANSWERING MACHINE: Hi, you’ve reached Kylie and Val. Leave a message.

JAKE: That’s cute.

PATRICK: Hi Kylie. What are you doing? I just want to say that AI hope you and that guy from Menudo over there are really happy. But who knows? Maybe he’ll give you all thoses things that you think I lack. I mean, maybe he’ll be more reliable, or he’ll have a checking accoung—oooh! Or in bed, he won’t—

KYLIE: Patrick, stop! Patrick! (raises blinds and Patrick’s face is on the window)
Aah!

PATRICK: Oh good, you’re home.

Patrick enters the house thru the window.

KYLIE: You, you get out of your cage?

PATRICK: If you mean my cell enclosure, sacrificially symbolic performance space, yes.

KYLIE: What happened to staying in there 30 days?

What happened to—I come out for—(trips then stands quickly) I came out for him. Excuse me, could I talk to you for a second? Um just so you know, I survived on nothing but stale water and sunflower seeds for 27 days. But the fire in my soul still burns strong enough to take your ass down! Is that food?

JAKE: You’re only eating sunflower seeds?

KYLIE: He’s been living in a glass box.

JAKE: Is he the guy who ripped off David Blaine?

PATRICK: Whoa, excuse me, excuse me, what did you say? What’s up with that?

KYLIE: Patrick, stop, you’re being ridiculous. Just go.

JAKE: Yeah, next time you build a glass box, put a shower in it.

PATRICK: Oh, hey, that’s a funny joke, funny bones. What are you, like a macho man? You want to tussle?

JAKE: I’m not afraid.

PATRICK: Hit me slugger. Because I’ll tell you right now, pain and I, we are old chums.

JAKE: I’m not gonna hit you in front of the lady.

PATRICK: Fine. Roof, now Chachi.

(in open mouthed shock as the men crawl out the window)

Okay homey, let’s do this.

JAKE: Yes, let’s but before we do… has Kylie ever mentioned a “Jake” to you before?

Say what?

JAKE: Look at his face, ringing any bells at all?

PATRICK: Okay, jackass, when the sugar from the cereal kicks in, guess who’s going off the ledge. (pushes Jake)

JAKE: Before anyone goes anywhere Patrick, may I give you some advice? This whole needy, desperate guy demeanor thing you’ve got going—wrong approach.

PATRICK: Oh, really pretty boy? I doubt that.

JAKE: Trust me. I’ve been in a lot of relationships okay? You can’t force it Patrick. Because if you do, you turn form romantic guy into creepy guy.

PATRICK: Eep, no, I don’t want to be creepy guy.

JAKE: You’re a little creepy.

PATRICK: Well, I don’t want to be that guy. See, you know what it is? It’s-- it’s-- I miss her…so much. (sobs, Jake puts his head closer to him as Kylie looks out the window and sees them)

JAKE: I know, I know.

(Kylie makes a face and turns away)

PATRICK: And It’s just all—It’s just her friends’ fault. It was like Val and—and—and Tricia and Nikki. I mean, no matter what I did, they never liked me.

JAKE: (pets his head) Wait, wait wait, did you just say Tricia?

PATRICK: Yeah.

JAKE: Tricia-married to Zach Tricia?

PATRICK: Zach, there’s another one who stabbed me in the back.

(pager beeps, stands) Oh snap, no, this is me, actually. The webcam hooked up to my performance space takes pictures every 10 minutes so I got to go.

JAKE: Wait, wait, hold it. Does that mean you’ve left your box before?

PATRICK: Yeah, occasionally. I have errands, dude. (goes up the ladder)

JAKE: (turns around and sees Kylie watching, smiles with a confident, knowing look and goes back thru window)

You and my ex have fun bonding?

JAKE: Yeah, I can’t believe you let that go.

Well, it was nice meeting you, Kylie…again. Oh, and um, not that it matters, but we met at Zach and Tricia’s wedding.

(crosses arms)

We stole a couple bottles champagne and we had an amazing night. I wanted to call you after and I never did. And um, it’s not something I’m proud of. It’s the kind of thing I’m trying not to do anymore. So, for what it’s worth, I’m—I’m really sorry. Good night. (walks to leave)

KYLIE: Hold on a minute.

(Jake turns back)

KYLIE: You really do remember that night?

(cell phone rings, Kylie makes a face like ‘here we go again.’)

SHANE: It’s Jake. (split screen) Man, your friend’s a horrible sparring partner. When you gonna get here?

JAKE: Um, Shane, I don’t think I’m gonna make it. (3 screen) I’m in the middle of something more important. (hangs up)

SHANE: What? I don’t believe it. He just hung up on me!

ADRIAN: He did? I’m sorry.

SHANE: So, you want to go a couple more rounds?

ADRIAN: I really cant…feel my legs.

SHANE: Well, we can go to a strip club.

ADRIAN: Strip club? I’d love to. (gets up)

(3 screen changes to split screen, Jake and Kylie)

KYLIE: One drink.

JAKE: One drink.

KYLIE: Just one drink.

JAKE: That’s all I ask.

KYLIE: This is not gonna be Tricia’s wedding all over again.

JAKE: Oh and I was so looking forward to dancing the hora.

(they exit apartment building, carrying jacket and purse.)

KYLIE: (she waves for a taxi) What, we’re walking?

JAKE: It’s three blocks away.

KYLIE: Have you seen these heels?

JAKE: Would you like me to carry you?

KYLIE: Ah, keep your sweaty hands to yourself.

~END ~

Shalla de Guzman writes multicultural, fantasy and paranormal novels with a chick lit tone. A former writer and producer of a health and fitness cable show, Shalla is now writing her top secret future NY Times best-seller. She is a member of OCC/RWA Chapter and FF&P.

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