SHALLA HOLLYWOOD SCRIPTS

We Love You Michael!

2009-06-26T08:19:00.001-07:00

To the Genius, the Icon, the King of Pop...

I just have to take some time to honor Michael Jackson.

Yesterday, as soon as I heard that Michael Jackson was taken to the hospital, I immediately lit a candle for him.
I thought he'd be fine, I thought it was a heart attack--people have recovered from those... Then, I learned that it was cardiac arrest... okay, isn't that a heart attack? No, that means his heart has stopped.
I was glued to the TV, praying, sending him loving thoughts...

Michael Jackson...

1983, Philippines. I've heard his song being played on the radio over and over, I think it was Beat It... Michael Jackson, the singer's name is Michael Jackson, everyone loved his songs, everyone knew his name. Music Videos were so new... VH1 on TV was playing every afternoon and that one day, I stumbled upon it for the first time. That's when I saw him for the first time, Michael Jackson, the singer from America and he did not have white skin. As a little Filipino girl, it shook me to learn this... I didn't even know there was such a thing... it was so new to me.

Michael Jackson, he transcended color barriers, cultural barriers... what can I say, the man is legendary, the ultimate artist, the greatest entertainer of all time, the... I woke up this morning, turned on the TV, hoping it was all a bad dream, a publicity stunt, please... When I learned how to sing last year, the first song I worked on learning was Michael Jackson's Ben. When I set my goals, I shot for the stars, the best of the best--to be able to sing like Michael... I can't believe it... I can't believe it...

I love you Michael, you're always with us through your music... your magic lives on...

2009-05-03T12:25:00.001-07:00

Congrats to the PACMAN!

Hatton went down in the first round. By the second round, Hutton went down after Pacquiao easily landed a left hook to the side of his face (which is said to be like a two-ton refrigerator coming at you).

Brilliant Pacquiao cements legacy with win

Pacquiao vs. Hatton
by agarakz

***

HOME SHALLA CHATS ARTICLES RESOURCES LET'S SHALLA BLOG WHO IS SHALLA?

SHALLA: Congrats to Pacquiao and his Team!

2009-05-03T12:21:00.001-07:00

Congrats, Hatton went down in the first round. By the second round, Hutton went down after Pacquiao easily landed a left hook to the side of his face (which is said to be like a two-ton refrigerator coming at you).

Brilliant Pacquiao cements legacy with win

Pacquiao vs. Hatton
by agarakz

***

HOME SHALLA CHATS ARTICLES RESOURCES LET'S SHALLA BLOG WHO IS SHALLA?

SHALLA: Congrats to Pacquiao and his Team!

2009-05-03T12:21:00.000-07:00

Pacquiao vs. Hatton
by agarakz

***

HOME SHALLA CHATS ARTICLES RESOURCES LET'S SHALLA BLOG WHO IS SHALLA?

SHALLA: Twilight Zone Scripts

2008-11-26T12:39:00.000-08:00

The Twilight Zone

Complete:The Howling Man - A distraught man tells a weird tale...
Nick of Time - A honeymoon couple finds an unusually accurate fortune telling machine...
Nightmare at 20,000 Feet - An airline passenger starts seeing things on the wing of the plane...
Nothing in the Dark - An old woman tries to cheat Death...
Will the Real Martian Please Stand Up? - One of the stranded travelers in a roadside diner may be an alien...

Shalla: BEWARE OF IDENTITY THEFT

2008-11-26T12:37:00.000-08:00

Where's Shalla? SHALLA IN CANCUN, MEXICO & BORACAY, PHILIPPINES '08

2008-05-23T20:25:00.000-07:00

SEX AND THE CITY: Valley of the Twenty Something Guys

2008-04-18T15:08:00.000-07:00

Carrie discovers the limitations of going out with a twenty something hunk. Charlotte’s boyfriend has a sexual favor to ask; Samantha comes to the sobering realization that she’ll always be older than her boy toy.
“Did I mention I’m sleeping with him?”

Transcribed by Shalla DeGuzman www.shalladeguzman.com

Once upon a time… in a kingdom far away… a certain man—and a slightly less certain woman… kept bumping into one another. They seem to meet everywhere. On street corners, at parties. It was almost as if they were dating accidentally. And then, after another chance meeting at a wealthy lawyer’s son’s Bris… they decided to pick a time to bump into each other on purpose.
Saturday, 10:30. The hottest new restaurant in Manhattan. Samantha’s PR Firm was handling the opening…
(Girls greet each other, kiss)
Hi
Hey
So, isn’t Brian great?
Charlotte had a new boyfriend. He had her big three: looks, manners, money.
Did I tell you he wants to buy a painting from my gallery?
Love and a commission, she couldn’t have been happier.
Alright. It’s official, he’s late.
Who?
Mr. Big, who else?
Carrie, that’s great. Is it a date?
He called it a thing. He said, “Meet me… Meet me for a drink thing.”
He never used the D word.
Well, “thing” is good. I mean, “thing” comes before date.
Let’s hope so. I’m gonna go in.
Okay. See you in there.
Where did Skipper go?
Ugh, I don’t know how you can date that younger guy. I mean, they’re so scattered and convused.
We’re not dating. It’s a “fuck” thing.
Girls, isn’t this fun? I’ve turned away 20 so far. People are actually crying. (kissies)
(Inside. Carrie on the cell phone.) Oh, something came up. He’s not gonna meet me. Here, will you listen to this and tell me if you can figure out whether he’s not meeting me as a date or as a friend.
All right.
Sometimes you need a second opinion with doctors, real estate, men.
Well?
I have no idea. And I finished first in my litigation class.
How pathetic do I feel asking you if a guy kinda likes me.
There you are.
Hey, hey.
Carrie, Miranda, this is the hottest chef in New York, Jon.
Jon. J-O-N. No “H,” no last name. his blue crab strudel was so fabulous he didn’t need one.
And this is his very cute friend Sam.
Hey.
Sam? Who’s named Sam?
Me, can I get you a drink?
Oh, good luck. The bar is packed.
No problem cause the bartender is a buddy of mine.
Miranda?
Martini.
Twenty-something guys always know the really important “B” people. Busboys, bouncers. Plus, they have cute butts.
That’s the Times critic. I’d better go.
(long kiss) Did I mention I’m sleeping with him?
Skipper! He’s lost. We gotta get him.
They stopped making martinis, so I got us two rum and Cokes. Is that okay?
Well, I hate rum and I hate coke, but thanks.
Martinis, ladies.
Wow, look at you.
I was a waiter at TGIF.
Fabulous.
Hey, hey. Sam.
Skipper.
They liked each other immediately.
You wanna see something?
Can you narrow that down a little bit? Wait, I didn’t—
No fair. Do it over. Let me see.
Hey. It’s you.
I’ve been looking all over for you. Here you are, holding a tongue.
Well, your message said you weren’t coming.
I thought I said I’d try to make it for an hour.
Yeah, but then you said—
What did I say?
Never mind. You’re here, you have an hour. Let’s have a drink.
Well, I was outside trying to get in for 30 minutes inside looking for you for 20 leaving me with just enough time to tell you that I’m out of time. You have fun.
Men in their forties are like the NY Times Sunday crossword puzzle: tricky, complicated and you’re never really sure you’ve got the right answer.
This place is tired. Do you want to get out of here?
Sure. Why not? A short cab ride later, Samantha, Jon ‘no H’, Sam and I found ourselves at the nearby twenty-something club.
I can’t believe you made Jon leave his own opening.
He is way too happening to be seen someplace borderline tired.
It was a tough town, hot places had the lifespan of a medfly. Samantha, everybody in here is in their 20s.
And so are we.
As I glanced around the room, I was amazed at the wide variety of great twenty-something guys. The groovy guy. The corporate guy. The jock guy. The underage guy.
There you are. How are you? I see you found us.
Big couch.
Oh here.
That’ll work.
I’m not too heavy, am I?
Right. You weigh like nothing.
What’s cuter than that. As we took a swig from our pony-necked beers I remembered another type of twenty-something guy. So, what’s it like to kiss with that thing in?
You wanna find out?
The really good kisser guy.
Next day***
(phone) I am so fucked.
What’s wrong?
I have been fucked every way you can be fucked.
If you keep talking like that, I’m gonna have to charge you by the minute. As I searched for my morning Marlboro light, Samantha proceeded to give me a rundown of her night with Jon, no ‘h’ no inhibitions.
We did it with him on top, me on top, me on my side.
Him on his side?
Oh god yes. on his back, on his side on his face. Have you ever done that?
It’s too early to remember.
Well do it immediately, it is fabulous. These guys in their twenties they are up for anything. How did it go with you and Sam?
We kissed.
Just kissed.
No. we just kissed for 5 hours at the club, in front of the club, on the corner of the club. I forgot how much fun it is to just kiss, you know, even if I did only get 2 hours of sleep.
I didn’t sleep at all.
As Samantha went on about her sexcapades, I glanced down at my arm. There it was in Bic blue—twenty-something Sam’s phone number. I had this sudden urge to call, but I just left him. Hell, my lips were still swollen. Why this sudden craving? Are men in their twenties the new designer drug? Yes, Samantha, Miranda and I were all recreational users but were we getting into something we couldn’t handle? Okay, we were attracted to younger men for various reasons. But I couldn’t help but wonder: what do they see in us?
Women in their 30’s are just so grateful
(samples)
Later that week, Miranda and I compared notes. Shouldn’t we be dating men our own age?
Good luck finding one. There are no available men in their thirties in NY. Giuliani had them removed along with the homeless.
Then what’s really going on here?
Is it younger men feel safer?
What’s really going on here is sex. Good old fashioned eager to please do what I tell you to, Eagle Scout sex.
But I’m not having sex. It’s a kissing thing.
So what’s the big deal? It’s just a fling. It’s not like we’re throwing out our schedules or anything.
Oh sweetie, I gotta go. I’m late for a meeting with my editor.
Bye!
I didn’t want to tell her I cancelled lunch with my editor to go to Banana Republic and help twenty-something Sam pick out a shirt.
As I hand him a shirt, I think, he’s sweet, he’s fun, could he be a potential boyfriend?
(kissing)
Please! This isn’t the GAP.
And speaking of potential boyfriends later that week, the ‘crossword puzzle’ asked me to meet him for a drink blank. Not quite a date, 5 letters, starts with a T.

(Scenes missing)
But now, it wasn’t working. I wasn’t getting the same rush. Tonight, I needed more. Meanwhile, uptown, Charlotte wondered when relationships got complicated. She yearned for the time when dinner was followed by dessert, not lubricant.
I can’t Brian, I can’t. I want to, but I can’t. I mean actually, no that’s not true, I don’t’ want to. Or maybe I do. I don’t know what I want, but I’m afraid if I don’t you’ll dump me. And if I do, then I’ll be the ‘up the butt’ girl. I don’t wanna be the ‘up the butt’ girl, men don’t marry the ‘up the butt’ girl. Who ever heard of Mrs. ‘up the butt’ girl? No, no, no. I can’t. I want children and nice bedding and I just can’t handle this right now.
Can we fuck the regular way?
Yes, please.
That night, they made love the Charlotte way, polite and respectful on 300 count Egyptian cotton sheets.
Meanwhile, downtown…
That was really great. You know, when you lay like that you have the cutest little wrinkles on your neck.
Samantha realized as long as she dated someone younger she would always be older. She gave up twenty-somethings right then and there. As Samantha went cold turkey, I got in deeper and deeper. That was—
Totally awesome.
I was hooked, gone. Who cares about age, the crossword puzzle, the cab money I’d left on the table? This felt so good, I’d do anything to keep this high. And just when I thought I couldn’t get any higher, he spooned me. I woke up wanting more. Or maybe not. In the gray morning light, everything looked completely different. Candles from urban outfitter, dirty laundry, a pizza box. Suddenly reality hit. I’m in a twenty something apartment.
Good morning babe.
Good morning.
Fuck. I had this amazing dream. My father and my ex girlfriend were like dead or something. How are you doing? It’s good to see you.
Coffee. I need coffee.
It’s in the kitchen. I had these big hands, these big aluminum hands and I lived in this like big missile silo that was totally nuclear and it was surrounded by like my enemies and hit. And one by one they’d run at me! They got inside somehow. I don’t remember but they would like run at me and I would crush them to pieces with my big aluminum hands. I crushed this one guy, he had no face and stuff but I crushed him. I could crush anything with these big fucking hands, man.
You don’t have any coffee filters.
I’ll make that, that’s alright. Oh, you were in the dream as this beautiful unicorn woman with glass eyes.
You coffee. Me bathroom.
That would make a kick ass song wouldn’t it? Unicorn woman…
Ahh!
Oh that’s my roommate.
Every fiber in my 30 something being was screaming, ‘Get out, you’re too old for this.’ And just when I thought I couldn’t sink any lower—I need toilet paper.
I’m just using the last of it to make the coffee.
I decided the only way to break free was to move from one addiction to an even bigger one. Shoes. A couple of blocks and way too much money later I realized I had just entered an interesting chapter in my life. I had outgrown the boys in my past and not quite grown into the men of my future.
Hey. How are you?
Why is it in a city of 10 million men you always see the one you don’t want and never see the one you…
Hi, what are you doing down there?
It’s a wobbly table. Guess I have the touch. Would you care to join us?
Hinge.
What?
Your crossword puzzle. 5 letter word to bring together, hinge. Nice seeing you. Bye.
Bye.
Excuse me.
Hey, just so you know, I would’ve have gotten hinge on my own.
Maybe.
I have no doubt.
Now that I’ve got Jack hooked up, I’m single again. Maybe we can have dinner sometime.
I don’t know. I’m good at crossword puzzles. I’m just not so good at people puzzles.
Anywhere you want, just you and me.
Call me. As I walked away, I had a thought: maybe all men are a drug. Sometimes they bring you down, sometimes, like know, they make you so high. Damn, it would’ve been so cool if I hadn’t looked back.

Transcribed by Shalla DeGuzman www.shalladeguzman.com

SHALLA Magazine is Coming Soon!

2007-04-29T15:57:00.000-07:00

Shalla Takes Pictures for SHALLA Magazine...

Which one will make the cover?

What do you think???

Forrest Gump Script

2007-04-03T14:05:00.000-07:00

Hello.My name's Forrest. Forrest Gump.
Do you want a chocolate?

I could eatabout a million and a half of these.
My mama always saidlife was like a box of chocolates.
You never knowwhat you're going to get.

*for more

Sweet Home Alabama Script

2007-04-03T14:01:00.000-07:00

Come on, Jake.
- Slow down!

Hurry up, Jake!
- Melanie!

I gotta get home.
My mom's gonna kill me.

Wow, did you see that?

Well, answer the question!
- No!

No, you won't answer,
or no, you won't marry me?

Jake Perry, I'm years old.
I got too much to live for.

Not that way, you dolt!
Come on!

It's hot. Don't touch it.
We'll be safe here.

Says who?
- Everybody.

Lightning never strikes
the same place twice.

Why would you want to
marry me for anyhow?

So I can kiss you
any time I want.

I need more coffee, guys.

I'm gonna switch...
It's a warning!

Oh, my God.

You know, that accent of yours...

is a whole lot thicker
when you're dreaming.

*for more

SHALLA: Looking for Film Noir Scripts?

2006-11-29T11:57:00.000-08:00

Check out what Shalla found on Ask Yahoo:

Our first stop was Yahoo!'s non-commercial Screenplays category. From there we headed to Drew's Scripts-O-Rama -- the sunglasses next to the entry told us that this resource was recommended by Yahoo!'s Surfing department.

The Script-o-rama, an archive of movie and television screenplays available on the Net, primarily focuses on newer movies, but we did locate links to scripts for Casablanca (1942), Citizen Kane (1940), Hitchcock's Notorious (1946), and To Have and Have Not (1944). These movies are masterpieces, though not necessarily typical of the noir genre, despite their appearance on the lists we consulted.

Another site for screewriters, Scriptdude, offers a collection of over 100 screenplays in Adobe Portable Document format (.pdf), but again, the featured films tend to be contemporary releases.

Alas, there are many great works that are still inaccessible via the Internet, for free or for money. Hopefully, online screenplay collections will continue to grow, as time goes by...

And from So... You Wanna Sell a Script?

Maltese Falcon, The
Film Noir, Mystery
Adobe Acrobat format

Night of the Hunter, The
Thriller, Drama, Film Noir
HTML Document

Sunset Blvd.
Drama, Film Noir
HTML Document

Sweet Smell Of Success
Drama, Film Noir
HTML Document

Alfie Script - Dialogue Transcript

2006-10-23T14:26:00.000-07:00

Alfie Script --Seen the movie? Read the script :)

You're lucky, you know.

I rarely allow anyone into my flat.

I know, I know, I know.

Humble digs.

Not exactly what you'd call a ''panty peeler. ''

Do you know what I mean?

But it suits me just fine.

To be honest, I rarely spend a night in my own bed anyway.

You see, here's my theory:

For most women, if a guy's a good provider

and generally a nice chap, six-pack abs really aren't a deal-breaker.

On the flip side, however,

even though the PC boyfriend sat next to you

with his arm slung around your shoulder will deny it...

And he will deny it. For us boys, it's all about F.B.B.

Face. Boobs. Bum.

I'm just being honest.

It's been said that clothes speak the international language.

And I have to admit, I'm a bit of a fashion whore.

Unfortunately, today I've got work, and I have to tone it down a little bit,

but that's all right. Gucci. End-of-summer sale.

Very understated. And I can easily spice it up with...

What? No, no. I know what you are thinking.

If you ooze masculinity, like some of us do,

you have no reason to fear pink. Smashing.

Now, in the cologne department, most men overdo it.

Americans practically spray it on with a crop-duster.

My rule: Nothing above the neck,

though I do like a little splash on Big Ben.

You never know where the day may take you.

Almost forgot.

New word for the day.

''Ostentatious: The attempt to attract attention to oneself.''

For more: Drew's Script-O-Rama

*************

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SHALLA HONORS Silent Super Star Charles "Buddy" Rogers

2006-10-15T11:59:00.000-07:00

Get Your Own! | View Slideshow

THE GOLDEN GIRLS--PILOT

2006-10-15T11:54:00.000-07:00

FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY

WRITTEN BY SUSAN HARRIS
DIRECTED BY JAY SANDRICH
PRODUCED BY PAUL JUNGER WITT AND TONY THOMAS

WITT/THOMAS/HARRIS PRODUCTIONS

FINAL DRAFT APRIL 12, 1985

CAST

DOROTHY
- BEA ARTHUR

ROSE
- BETTY WHITE

BLANCHE
- RUE McCLANAHAN

SOPHIA
- ESTELLE GETTY

COCO
- CHARLES LEVIN

HARRY
– not yet casted

MINISTER
- F. WILLIAM PARKER

COP
- MESHACH TAYLOR

ACT ONE
Scene 1:INT. LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN/LIVING ROOM ‑ EARLY EVENING
Scene 2: INT. BLANCHE'S BEDROOM ‑ CONTINUOUS ACTION
Scene 3: INT. LIVING ROOM ‑ CONTINUOUS ACTION
Scene 4: EXT. LANAI ‑ VERY LATE THAT NIGHT
Scene 5: INT. LIVING ROOM ‑ CONTINUOUS ACTION

ACT TWO
Scene 1: INT. LIVING ROOM ‑ CONTINUOUS ACTION
Scene 2: INT. BLANCHE'S BEDROOM ‑ SOME DAYS LATER
Scene 4: INT. LIVING ROOM ‑ A LITTLE WHILE LATER
Scene 5: EXT. LANAI ‑ THREE WEEKS LATER ‑ EVENING

THE GOLDEN GIRLS

ACT ONE / Scene 1
(FADE IN:)

INT. LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN/LIVING ROOM ‑ EARLY EVENING (DAY ONE)

(Dorothy, Rose, Blanche, Coco)
(DOROTHY ENTERS, CROSSES THROUGH THE LIVING ROOM, EXITS)

INT. KITCHEN
(COCO IS COOKING. DOROTHY ENTERS)

DOROTHY
I taught a class today -- the finest school in Dada County -‑ two girls had shaved heads and three boys had green hair.

COCO
They're expressing themselves.

DOROTHY
And I expressed myself. I told them to leave; they were too ugly to look at. Now the parents are mad. A father came in in a three piece suit and defended Tiffany, a bald girl with a nose ring.
(SHE LOOKS AT POT)
What is this?

COCO
Enchiladas Rancheros.

DOROTHY
Why don't you just shoot me.

(ROSE ENTERS)

ROSE
Hello.

COCO / DOROTHY
Hello, Rose.

ROSE
What a day. I had the saddest clients.

DOROTHY
Rose, you work at grief counseling.
What do you expect, comedians?

(ROSE THINKS A MINUTE)

ROSE
Well, they have grief. You think Bob Hope's happy when they don't laugh.

BLANCHE (0. S.)
Coco ‑

COCO
Yes, Blanche.

(BLANCHE ENTERS)

BLANCHE
Can I borrow your mink stole?

COCO
It's Miami in June. Only cats are wearing fur. Are you going out?

DOROTHY
No. she's going to sit here where it's a hundred and twelve degrees and eat enchiladas.

BLANCHE
I need some cucumbers to put on my eyes.

DOROTHY
You'll have trouble seeing, Blanche

BLANCHE
It's very good. It reduces puffiness.

ROSE
Does it work on thighs?

BLANCHE
I don't know. I don't need it on my thighs. (SHE EXITS)

ROSE
Who is she going out with?

COCO
Harry, again.

(COCO EXITS)

DOROTHY
Who is this Harry?

ROSE
All Blanche said was he still has his teeth and his hair.

DOROTHY
It's wonderful dating in Miami. All the single men under eighty are cocaine smugglers.

ROSE
I'd kill to be twenty again.

DOROTHY
I'd kill to be forty again. You know, I got the shock of my life today. I was in the teacher's lounge talking to some girls in their twenties. They were so pretty. At that age you don't even have to be pretty and you're pretty. Anyway, we were all talking and laughing together and I completely forgot I was older. I just became one of the girls. And I had such a good time, too. Then I got into my car and caught a glimpse of myself in the rearview mirror and almost had a heart attack. This old woman was in the mirror; I didn't recognize her.

ROSE
Who was it?

DOROTHY
It was me.

ROSE
Oh.

DOROTHY
I had felt so young, so like those girls, that I was totally unprepared for my face.

(COCO ENTERS)

ROSE
I know. It's shocking. Every time I look down, I see my mother's legs.

COCO
My legs are exactly the way they were when I was sixteen. In fact, last week I got carded.

DOROTHY
During a blackout.

COCO
Who cares? What is young? What is anything? What is blonde? What is pretty? What is wrinkles? It all changes. Inside is what stays the same.

ROSE
Oh, Coco. That is so wise. That is poetry. Isn't it, Dorothy?

DOROTHY
Why don't you write it down, Rose.

(BLANCHE ENTERS)

DOROTHY
Blanche ‑‑ who is Harry?

BLANCHE
My beau. He's wonderful. He's a real gentleman. He's very gallant. He's a great dancer and he doesn't make noises when he chews.

DOROTHY
Chewing. That's way up there on my list. Comes right after intelligent.

BLANCHE
He doesn't talk loud at the movies, he doesn't take his pulse, and he's still interested.

ROSE
In what?

DOROTHY
If you have to ask, it doesn't matter anymore.

BLANCHE
And he proposed.

(BLANCHE EXITS)

ROSE
Blanche, wait a minute

(DOROTHY AND ROSE EXIT)

INT. LIVING. ROOM ‑ CONTINUOUS
(ROSE AND DOROTHY ENTER)

ROSE (CONT'D)
He proposed? You've only‑known him a week.

BLANCHE
And he wants an answer tonight.

ROSE / DOROTHY
Tonight?

DOROTHY
What are you going to tell him?

BLANCHE
I don't know. He's very wonderful, but I've only known him a week.

ROSE
That's right.

BLANCHE
But I also don't want to lose him, so I don' t know what I'll tell him. Now I've got to put on my face.

(BLANCHE EXITS)

ROSE
Dorothy, what if she marries him? What will happen to us? This house is hers.

DOROTHY
Then we'll move.

ROSE
We can't afford to buy a house. What do we have as collateral, a gay cook? Dorothy, we'll become bag ladies.

DOROTHY
Rose, come on.

(COCO ENTERS)

ROSE
Blanche is going to get married.

COCO
She is?

DOROTHY
She hasn't said that,

ROSE
And then you'll get married and Coco'll meet a decorator and I'll be alone.

DOROTHY
Rose, how can I get married? I don't even have a date.

COCO
God, the first home I've had since eighth grade and it's going to break up. I can't stand it.

ROSE
You haven't had a home since eighth grade?

COCO
When my parents found out I was gay, my mother had a heart attack and died. My father re‑married, moved
and never left me his address.

DOROTHY
No one is getting married, Coco. No home is breaking up. Let's go talk to Blanche.

(DOROTHY EXITS)

ROSE
You're quite a guy, Coco. You've had such a hard life and you can still call yourself gay.

(ROSE EXITS) (CUT TO:)

Scene 2,

INT. BLANCHE'S BEDROOM ‑ CONTINUOUS ACTION (DAY ONE)
(Blanche, Dorothy, Rose)
(BLANCHE SITS AT MAKE‑UP TABLE APPLYING MAKE‑UP. DOROTHY
KNOCKS)

DOROTHY (O. S.)
Blanche?

BLANCHE
Come in.

(DOROTHY ENTERS)

DOROTHY
Blanche, your friend Harry wants an answer tonight. What are you going to say?

BLANCHE
I haven't decided. I guess I'll know when I hear the words come out of my mouth.

DOROTHY
You'll know when you hear it come out of your mouth? This isn't a belch, Blanche; this is
marriage. My God, you've got more colors than Benjamin Moore paints.

ROSE
You shouldn't rush into anything, Blanche. You hardly know him.

BLANCHE
What do you think my husband George would think of me and Harry?

DOROTHY
If he was alive, he probably wouldn't like it. Since he's dead, I don't think it's a problem.

BLANCHE
I just want George to know that I'm happy, but that I'll never be as happy with Harry in the same way as I was with him.

ROSE
He knows that,, Blanche. He knows. The thoughts and feelings go straight to him. You can communicate directly from your heart. Right, Dorothy?

DOROTHY
Don't ask me. I can't get through to New Jersey with MCI.

SFX: DOORBELL RINGS

BLANCHE
Ohl God, he's early. I haven't finished my face.

DOROTHY
The only thing left is to dip it in bronze. We'll get it.

For more: Un-Official

Rock You Features SHALLA

2006-09-04T10:00:00.000-07:00

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My Family: Blind Justice (2005)

2006-06-17T17:37:00.000-07:00

My Family

*
UK, BBC (DLT Entertainment UK/Rude Boy Productions), Sitcom, colour, 2000
Starring: Robert Lindsay, Zoe Wanamaker, Kris Marshall

Ben is the harassed centre of the Harper family. His wife Susan is intelligent, sharp, witty and something of a control freak, and their still-loving marriage is a vehicle that may squeak but nonetheless keeps moving along. *for more

Scene 1 In the kitchen, Ben enters

All right, dad. Look.
Nick, that’s, uh, that’s so, um… ah, you shouldn’t have. That’s that’s really—
It’s well wrapped, isn’t it?
Yes. Yes, it’s well wrapped. Yes. You didn’t have to buy me a good luck present.
I didn’t.
It’s the salt, Nick, it’s the salt.
What’s this, English for the stupid?
Nick’s wrapped the salt seller.
I’m trying to be a wrapping artist. Like the great Christo, you know. He wraps up huge monuments for art to elicit emotional response.
Like irritation?
Good, good, go with that, go with that.
How about wrapping up the rubbish? Then you can put it in the dust bin.
But that will mean a switch from the artistic to the merely functional.
Oh, and you would never want to be functional.
Exactly, you’re on my wavelength there.
That explains the static.
Ah, got to go.
You’re wearing that, are you, Ben?
Apparently I am.
No, it’s just that if this were my first day of jury duty, I would have dressed up for the occasion.
You’d be wearing a long gown, a curly wig, and a black cap.
No, I’d love to be on jury duty. Put something back into society. Show how much I care. Might get a nice, juicy murder.
Oh, very caring.
No, it’ll be so exciting. Exhibit A, exhibit B, silence in court. Let’s reexamine the evidence before us, my lad. Exhibit C.
Susan, you do realize I’ll be forbidden from discussing the case with you, okay? Or for that matter… anything else, ever again. Of course, we can still have sex.
Don’t kid yourself.

Scene 2 Susan enters the bedroom carrying a pile of clothes.

Oh, why does he have to be so… (Susan flips the blanket over and finds her son naked with a girl) In bed?
Mum, um, I, uh—we, um. Did I mention I had the afternoon off?
No, no, no, that’s perfectly fine. I’m cool with this. (steps back)
I’m okay, you’re okay, I mean…
You’re 16, going on 17. I’m cool, I’m cool. (Susan exits, looking dumbstruck, her daughter catches her)
If cows sleep standing up and sit down when it rains, what do they do if it rains while they’re sleeping?
Susan’s still in shock.
I know, it is a real brainteaser.
Did you Michael had the afternoon off?
Are you okay?
Yes, I’m absolutely fine?
(Susan bumps into the wall)

Scene 3 Susan and Abi in the livingroom

Shouldn’t I run you to the doctor’s?
No, Abi, Abi, it’s nothing really, technically, it’s known as blindness. (sips coffee)
Oh, what kind of blindness?
Blindness.
Coughing blindness?
Psychologists call it hysterical blindness, but they’re wrong. I see it more as stress-related myopia.
What was the stress?
I went to Michael’s room and… it was a total mess.
Wow, at least you didn’t see the girl he had up there. (Abi laughs)
I don’t want to talk about it. Anyway, it’s just temporary, a little stress thing. It’s happened to me once before.
Really?
Yes, during my first driving test.
Did you pass?
Yes, and I took it 10 more times because I liked passing. Of course, I failed, I was temporarily blind.
Okay. How many fingers am I holding up?
Abi, I can’t see.
I’ll give you a clue, it’s between 1 and 3.
Oh, for god’s sake.
Don’t feel so bad, it was 2. maybe, I should ring Ben and let him know.
No, no, Abi, no, Abi, you musn’t. if he finds out my response to see Michael in bed with a girl was to get hysterical blindness then he’ll think I responded… hysterically.
Oh, didn’t you, then?
Of course not.
This isn’t me, it’s just my body letting me down. I don’t want him thinking I’m an uptight reactionary. Ust because my eyes are open are prudish.
Your eyes aren’t prudish. They’re more periwinkle blue.
Look, look, just let me sit here quietly until my sight comes back. Oh, crap.

Scene 4 Courtroom, Ben enters

Yeah, this is my kind of trial—over in time to get to the pub.
British justice, wonderful thing.
Um, I shall be just outside the door if you want anything.
Cappuccino, easy on the froth. (Ben bumps into a woman)Oh, sorry, go ahead.
Don’t patronize me.
Okay, I won’t. (Ben sits on the empty chair)
I want to sit there.
Mm—I want you to sit here so much. But even more, I don’t want to patronize you. Can we got on, please?
Yes, can we get on?
I doubt it, you’re not my type. (Ben chuckles)
(Woman eyes him)
Okay (Ben gets up)
(Woman sits on the chair)
Right, let’s get this show on the road and out of here.
The correct procedure—edsin Taylor vandalized his ex-boss’ office by placing a decomposing haddock in the heating duct.
Guilty as hell. Show of hands.
The correct procedure is to elect a foreman from amongst us which we will proceed to do after we have all proceeded to introduce ourselves.
Why bother? We’re never going to meet again.
So, let’s go around the table, starting with me. My name’s Joanna Elton Johns.
Elton Johns? (Ben chuckles and claps)
It’s my name.
Yes, I think so. It’s your name.
And what’s yours?
My name’s Ben, Ben Judy Garlands. (chuckles)

SHALLA TALKS...

2006-06-06T18:27:00.000-07:00

Coming Soon!

Golden Girls: Miles to Go (1991)

2005-12-20T14:21:00.000-08:00

Miles to Go (1991) Miles (Harold Gould) lied about his job background.

Scene 1: In the kitchen, Blanche is inspecting a new sequined silver dress when Dorothy enters.

DOROTHY: Hi Blanche.

BLANCHE: Oh, hi, how was school day?

DOROTHY: Pretty good, almost half the class came back after the fire drill.

BLANCHE: Uh, price tag pinned to right sleeve. (arranging tags)

DOROTHY: What are you doing?

BLANCHE: Oh, I’m taking the tags off this dress and saving them so I can put them back on again tomorrow. That way when I take it back, they won’t know I’ve worn it.

DOROTHY: You’re going to wear a dress and then return it, Blanche, that’s illegal.

BLANCHE: Oh, it is not illegal. It’s just wrong. (touches her earring)
See, I love the dress but I can’t afford it—not $300 worth—and I have a late date tonight, so I want to look stunning for it. Besides, it’s not like I’m not going to wear it all that much—I’m just going to put it on and take it off, then put it on, come home, and take it off again. (sips her coffee)

DOROTHY: (hand on chin)

SOPHIA: Dorothy, great news—Gladys Goldfein called. She’s taking me to see Tony Bennett.

BLANCHE: Oh, Sophia, that’s terrific.

SOPHIA: What that man does to me with his voice your father couldn’t accomplish with his hands.

BLANCHE: Oh, I kow what you’re talking about Sophia. There are men’s voices that get me going like that, too.

DOROTHY: Blanche, there are men’s socks that can get you going.

ROSE: Hi everybody.

BLANCHE: Hi.

ROSE: And do we all remember what today is?

SOPHIA: I’ll go out on a limb and say Thursday, but you can’t go by me. I’m in and out of my children’s first names.

ROSE: It’s the 117th anniversary of the birth of Robert Frost.

SOPHIA: I love him. Always nipping at your nose.

ROSE: That was Jack Frost. Robert Frost is the guy who interviewed Richard Nixon on TV. (chuckles) Who’s the dumb one now?

DOROTHY: Ah, you’re still the reigning champ Rose. That was David Frost. Robert Frost was a famous American poet.

SOPHIA: And when I was with him, he was always nipping at my nose.

ROSE: Miles is cooking dinner to celebrate Frost’s birthday. He invited us all, and we accepted.

BLANCHE: I don’t remember ever agreeing to that.

ROSE: Sure you did. I distinctly remember you said, “Oh, boy! Miles reading poetry, sign me up, sign me up.” You sounded pretty definite.

BLANCHE: Sarcasm, Rose, that’s like when I say you’re so lucky to be a natural blonde.

ROSE: (smiles) Thank you.

SOPHIA: All right, we’ll go. But I’d rather stay home and eat flot.

Scene 2: At Miles apartment

MILES: Overall then, what I’d say Frost is most significantly remembered for is his simple, clear use of uncomplicated imagery to express the quiet values of a rural New England life.

SOPHIA: Are we home yet?

BLANCHE: My, oh, my, oh, my, just look at all the other places to be. (spins globe)

MILES: It is amazing, isn’t it? How with a few carefully chosen words, a poet can convey the immediacy of a specific life experience.

ROSE: You don’t have to tell me. Remember, I grew up in a small farm town. Here a quack, there a quack… everywhere… a quack quack.

SOPHIA: Hey, look, there’s a black guy doing the news, and it isn’t even the weekend.

DOROTHY: Ma, did you turn that on?

SOPHIA: Poltergeist.

NEWSCASTER: Thanks, Steve. And lord knows, we can use the rain. In the news this hour—one of the FBI’s 10 most wanted criminal, escaped convict and underworld kingpin Mickey “the cheeseman” Moran is dead.

DOROTHY: Ma, turn it off. Now.

MILES: No. (closes book)Let’s just hear that to the end.

NEWSCASTER: He was blown up this morning outside his home in suburban Chicago by a bomb attached to the ignition of his car. A violent end to a violent man.

MILES: You know, ladies, what do you say we take a rain check on the poetry reading?

SOPHIA: I’d say no dice. Doesn’t a rain check mean we have to come back?

DOROTHY: (laughs) When she kids you like that, it means she likes you.

MILES: Well, I do have a few papers to grade, and I could use the time. Here, Rose, here are the poems I was going to read. (hands book) Look, why don’t you look them over and we’ll discuss them next time we’re all together, hum?

BLANCHE: So long.

MILES: Bye Blanche.

BLANCHE: Actually, I was describing the evening. (leaves)

MILES: (dials phone) Yeah, Burnett? Miles Weber. I just heard about the cheeseman on TV. Can it be? Am I free?

Scene 3: In kitchen, phone rings

SOPHIA: Hello? Oh, Gladys Bubbie. You what? Goldfein, I put a Sicilian curse on you. You’ll be barren. Okay, worse, you won’t be barren. And you know what else, Goldfein? That sandwich I gave you yesterday? It was ham!

DOROTHY: Ma, what is it?

SOPHIA: Gladys want to take a man to Tony Bennett in my place.

BLANCHE: Oh, Sophia, calm down. Honey, it’s all right if you want to drop your girlfriend because a man asks you out. That’s the law of the jungle.

SOPHIA: Thank you, Sheena, queen of the slut people.

DOROTHY: Ma, Gladys is your best friend. She didn’t do this to you’re your feelings. It was probably an accident. She must have forgotten that she already invited you.

SOPHIA: Let me tell you something, pussycat, there are no accidents. Nobody wrongs someone without meaning it.

DOROTHY: Come on, that’s ridiculous.

BLANCHE: Ahh! Ahhh! (coffee thrown on new dress)

DOROTHY: Oh, I’m sorry.

BLANCHE: I was going to take this dress back.

DOROTHY: I am sorry Blanche.

BLANCHE: You’re sorry?

DOROTHY: Oh, come on, it was an accident.

SOPHIA: Or was it?

BLANCHE: Well, I’ll tell you one thing—you are paying for this dress.

DOROTHY: I am not paying for the dress. I will pay for the dry cleaning and that’s all. I told you before, (goes to living room) you can’t return something after it’s been worn)

BLANCHE: I certainly can’t now, after your little spasm. I wanted to wear something tonight that Duane’s never seen me in.

SOPHIA: Maybe you should try underwear. (spins away as doorbell chimes)

ROSE: Miles, I thought you were grading papers.

MILES: No, I wasn’t. I lied.

ROSE: Oh my God, what were you grading?

MILES: Rose, Rose, I have wonderful news. But I think you better sit down first before you hear it.

ROSE: Ok, you’re the professor.

MILES: Well, you see, I’m not. I’m not really a professor.

ROSE: What?

MILES: My name is not really Miles Weber.

ROSE: Well, then… (looks around) What are you talking about Miles?

MILES: Rose, my real name is Nicholas Carbone. I was an accountant in Chicago, and my biggest client was the dead man we saw on the TV news bulletin this evening.

ROSE: The Cheeseman?

MILES: That’s right, but, Rose, you have to believe me. By the time I found out, I was too deeply involved. I was arrested. The FEDS tried to pin everything on me.

ROSE: You mean… did they –have you been to prison?

MILES: Oh, no. I couldn’t let that happen. Can you imagine what my life would have been like if the other inmates found out how much I love to dance? No. The D.A. offered me a deal and I turned state’s evidence which put my client Mr. Moran away for a long, long time. Do you understand what I’m saying?

SOPHIA: Yeah, you’re a snitch.

MILES: I’m not a snitch. I’m an informant.

SOPHIA: Oh, a snitch in a tie.

MILES: The point is, it all would have been behind me but he escaped. The government had to put me in the witness protection program, gave me a new name, a new job –whole new identity.

ROSE: I don’t know what to say. I can’t believe this story you’re telling me.

DOROTHY: But you can believe the story about Henrik Felderstuhl, St. Olaf’s half-man, half-grasshopper?

ROSE: Dorothy, I’m telling you, when he rubbed his legs together, you’d swear you were on a camping trip.

SOPHIA: Ok, let me get this straight, you mean to tell me you are personally acquainted with men who do bodily harm to private citizens for money?

MILES: I can’t deny it, Sophia, yes.

SOPHIA: Then take down this address. Gladys Goldfein, 327—

DOROTHY: Ma!

MILES: Rose, I know this is a little overwhelming for you. But try to look at it through my eyes. I have my life back now for the first time in years, I’ve been able to call my friends and let them know where I am.

ROSE: Well, you may have your life back, but I’ve had the rug pulled out from under mine.

MILES: Look, I know it sounds awful, but it’s not. I can be free. I go back to Chicago, and sweetheart, I want you there with me.

ROSE: Chicago? Go to Chicago? I don’t even know you! (throws book and runs off)

Scene 3 In the kitchen

BLANCHE: Oh, Rose, honey, we know how confused you must feel, but no matter how unfocused your emotions are, you must try to express them. So just go ahead and cry if you want to or scream or throw things if you have to. But let those feelings out, honey. Let them fill this room.

ROSE: (chest heaves) Heck!

BLANCHE: I know, baby, I know. (wraps arm around her)

DOROTHY: Oh, Rose, this is terrible. You have been robbed of the most basic sense of security. You know, no matter what else is happening, at the very least I know that when I come home at night you are you, Blanche is Blanche, and ma, if she’s taken her medication is my mother.

ROSE: I don’t know what’s real anymore. When I think of the things I’ve told Miles –the things he’s told me, the things we’ve told each other, things we’ve said in a restaurant, things we’ve said on our way to a restaurant, things we’ve said on the way home—

DOROTHY: The two of you shared! We get it!

ROSE: But who was I sharing with? If you say something to somebody who isn’t really who he is, have you actually said anything or not? And if he’s heard it as someone he really isn’t, has anything you’ve said actually been heard?

SOPHIA: Sorry, I wasn’t listening.

DOROTHY: She wants to know what to do about Miles.

SOPHIA: Drop him.

DOROTHY: Ma.

SOPHIA: When someone you trusted tells you something that later turns out not to be true, wash your hands of them give him the boot. Drop him.

DOROTHY: A little bit of Gladys Goldfein slipping into this opinion, ma?

SOPHIA: Who else are we talking about?

ROSE: Now I know how my friend Mary Jan von Helfenphfelfer felt.

BLANCHE: Oh, well, considering what you’ve been through, go ahead, Rose.

ROSE: She took a vacation to Mexico, and she found this poor, scrawny, helpless little Chihuahua puppy on the street, and she brought it home to St. Olaf with her. And she nurse it back to health. She loved it. She took it to bed with her. She taught it to fetch. She’d throw a ball, and he’d bring it back, and she’d throw a ball and he’d bring it back. Well, Ig uses I don’t have tot ell you that’s pretty much what fetch is. (makes throwing motion)

DOROTHY: How much longer are we going to circle the airport, Rose? You want to bring this baby in?

ROSE: Well, when she took the puppy in to get shots, the vet told her the bad news. He said, Mary Jane, this is no Chihuahua. This is a rat.

BLANCHE: (Blanche stretches her arms and gives her a sideway glance)

SOPHIA: (Sophia gives a sideway glance at the others)

DOROTHY: (Dorothy looks straight at her for a long time, clasps her hands under her chin) And the point, Aesop?

ROSE: I thought Miles was a chihuahuah. It turns out he was a rat.

SOPHIA: You know, I once prepared a six-course meal with what I thought was chicken. But it turned out to be—

DOROTHY: Ma! Rose, in my heart, I cannot believe that Miles is a rat. He just fell in with the wrong people, that’s all. Now, look, I know you have a date with him tomorrow night, keep it. I’m sure you’ll fine he’s the same caring, sensitive man you’ve known all along. (turns to Sophia) My God, it wasn’t my confirmation dinner, was it?!

SOPHIA: (blinks several times) Your pop sure made everyone laugh when he made the little feet dance.

DOROTHY: (hand to chest, looking disgusted)

Scene 4 Living room, Rose enters thru front door

DOROTHY: Rose, how did your date go?

ROSE: Oh, Dorothy, you were absolutely right. It was better than I could have dreamed. When we sat down to our meal, Nick ordered a whiskey neat and a shrimp cocktail which was positively uncanny because Miles always began his meal with a whiskey neat and a shrimp cocktail.

DOROTHY: You haven’t had much experience with the uncanny, have you Rose?

BLANCHE: Oh, Rose, I thought I heard your voice. Now I want you start at the beginning and tell us everything.

SOPHIA: Booze, shrimp, you’re up to speed. Go Rose.

ROSE: Well, to begin with, I had an absolutely fantastic time. He’s the same man. The man I love, and that’s why I told him… I’d go to Chicago with him.

DOROTHY: You’d what? (sits up, happy)

BLANCHE: You’re not moving, are you?

ROSE: Only for 3 months, just so he can clean up his business then we’ll come back.

DOROTHY: Oh, Rose, I’m so happy everything worked out.

SOPHIA: Rose, I never thought I’d say this, (put a hand on her shoulder) but I’m going to miss you. Your laugh, your smile, your St. Olaf stories… okay, I’m over it now.

Scene 5 Living room

(Sophia’s cleaning, dusting the table and placing flower arrangement)

DOROTHY: Gee, ma, I think it’s nice how things are working out for Rose and Miles.

SOPHIA: Well, it had to happen sometime, pussycat.

(Doorbell rings.)

Rose found a man—

and pretty soon blanche will find a man and before you know it, you... you should buy a parakeet or something.

DOROTHY: (opens door) Gladys! Honey, how are you?

GLADYS: Fine, Dorothy. Is your mother home?

DOROTHY: Uh… (Sophia’s motioning to her) No, I can’t say that she is.

GLADYS: I’ve been trying to call, but she keeps hanging up. You sure she isn’t home?

DOROTHY: (Sophia’s motioning to her) No, I still can’t say that, no. Would you like to leave a message?

GLADYS: Oh, I don’t know. I just wanted to apologize.

SOPHIA: (pushes Dorothy aside) What took you so long?

DOROTHY: Ma, when did you get in?

SOPHIA: Oh, Dorothy, grow up. So, are you reading from a prepared statement, Goldfein? Or are you feeling cocky enough to wing it?

GLADYS: I came because I was thinking at our age, the last thing you say to somebody might be the last thing you say. So I just want you to know that I’m sorry, Sophia. I want to take you to the concert. (pulls out tickets from bag)

SOPHIA: Bubbie! (shoots arms out)

GLADYS: Faccia bella!

(they hug)

SOPHIA: Dorothy learn from this. This is what friendships are built on—loyalty, mutual respect, trust—give me my ticket. (snatches them and reads)

GLADYS: What?

SOPHIA: Gladys, you yutz, these aren’t for Tony Bennett. They’re for Tony Martin.

GLADYS: Of course they’re for Tony Martin. You think I’d cam overnight for tickets to Tony Bennett?

SOPHIA: Tell you what, sweetheart, take Milton. Have a swell time. Only this time, don’t throw your underwear on stage.

GLADYS: Then why go?

SOPHIA: Why couldn’t they put Tony Bennett and Tony Martin on the same bill? (sits down on couch) Ah who am I kidding? There will never be another Woodstock. (throws arms looking up)

BLANCHE: (enters) I am never shopping at Fiedler Brothers again.

DOROTHY: I beg your pardon?

BLANCHE: It’s a little late for that. I’ve never been so humiliated in my life.

DOROTHY: What about the time you lost the key to your handcuffs and had to go with that guy on his mail route?

BLANCHE: (readjusts dress) It seems that before I returned the dress I was so busy putting the price tags back on, I neglected to remove the dry cleaning tag. Not only did they refuse to take the dress back, the store manager had the gall to accuse me of being dishonest. (looks at her nails)

DOROTHY: Oh, that’s terrible, Blanche. If I were you, I’d take my dishonesty elsewhere.

BLANCHE: They made me pay. $300 for a dress I didn’t even want.

DOROTHY: Blanche, it’s only fair. You tried something crooked, and you got caught. Now you’re going to have to scrimp and cut corners and find some way to pay for it.

BLANCHE: I already have. The rent increases go into effect tomorrow. All except Sophia.

DOROTHY: Why not her?

BLANCHE: The rent increase was her idea.

SOPHIA: So, I’m the one musketeer. I’ll make new friends.

ROSE: You won’t believe the horrible thing I just heard on the radio.

DOROTHY: Oh, Rose, we go through this everytime. This is merely a test. In the event of an actual emergency…

ROSE: No! The news! I was just listening to the news, and the cheeseman isn’t dead.

DOROTHY: What?

ROSE: A coroner’s investigation proved that Moran staged the whole thing.

BLANCHE: He’s alive, and he knows Miles is seeing Rose and Rose knows me, and they always hold the prettiest one hostage.

DOROTHY: (shakes head)

BLANCHE: Oh, if I could just do something to make myself less attractive.

SOPHIA: Try soap and water.

BLANCHE: (throws head back)

ROSE: I have to call Miles. He must be out of his mind with worry…

MILES: Rose! (enters from glass door)

ROSE: Oh, darling, we heard.

MILES: Rose, it’s awful. (hugs her) Look, we don’t have much time.

DOROTHY: Oh, I’m so sorry about this Miles.

SOPHIA: Can we get this guy out of here? I don’t want to be killed at my age. That would be like getting tackled on the one-yard line.

MILES: Rose, you realize that Chicago is out of the picture now.

ROSE: There’s no way we can just stay in Miami?

MILES: No, no, that’s impossible too sweetheart. Look, I don’t know where the government’s going to move us. But all I do know is that everything’s going to be fine as long as the two of us are together.

ROSE: I can’t believe this is happening. Maybe we better try Springfield. He’d never find us in Springfield.

MILES: Which Springfield?

ROSE: Aha! Girls don’t worry, soon as Miles and I are settled, we’ll let you know where we are.

MILES: No Rose, I’m afraid we won’t be able to let anybody know where we are.

BLANCHE: But we won’t tell a soul even when we come to visit.

MILES: You can’t visit, it’s too dangerous.

DOROTHY: But at least we’ll be able to phone.

MILES: No, I’m sorry.

ROSE: What about my children?

MILES: Rose, it’s just too risky for us and for them.

ROSE: Oh, Miles, this is an impossible decision. Oh, I love you so much.

MILES: Rose, I love you too.

ROSE: But I also love my friends and my family, and the thought of leaving…I’m sorry.

MILES: All right. I understand.

ROSE: Oh, I’m going to miss you Miles.

MILES: Rose, there won’t be a day (hugs her) I won’t be thinking about you. Good bye, Rose, darling. (they kiss) You take good care of her, ladies. (runs to front door)

ROSE: Miles, your poetry book.

MILES: Keep it. And when you read page 73, think of me. (leaves)

ROSE: (clasps book, then drops down and opens it to the page)

And when to the heart of man was it ever less than a treason to bow and accept the end of a love or of a season…

Secret Lives of Women: Transsexuals

2005-12-20T13:16:00.000-08:00

SECRET LIVES OF WOMEN: TRANSSEXUAL

Chris Blehar wants a very special birthday present, and it's not something you can pick up at your local mall.

For his 50th, Chris will undergo surgery to become a woman. Will he adapt to this new life, and will his family be able to accept their former son?

One year of continual hormone therapy and one year of full time life experience is required before SRS is performed in the U.S.

Well, I’ve been on hormones for two years and I’ve pretty much up to the point of surgery. (man shaving) You know, with the electrolysis and the hormones together, my uh, skin’s become very soft. I have to be very careful shaving make sure I don’t cut myself like I use to. It means I’m more adaptable to it now. My skin come out very soft, very nice. (he is wearing a pink bra)

Yeah, the hormone therapy, um, provides you the natural breasts you would have, if you had been born a woman. It’s a really interesting process to watch this happening, you just take some shots and pills and, for my breasts to grow like that. So I could still develop up to uh, four years, you know, it—they could still grow but, uh, they haven’t grown much in the last, uh, six months. So that’s why I’ve decided to go through the breast augmentation, I Want ‘em a little bigger than what they are.

I never liked to look in the mirror, my whole life, you know, just, that was an act. My body I really didn’t hate it (shakes his head) but I didn’t like it either. So it was really nothing to look at. (powders face) And now as I’m developing, except for one area (puts on lipstick) I just love to look at myself in the mirror, you know? I’m not being conceited it’s just I’m achieving what I’ve only dreamt about. (applies silver eye shadow)

Your hair on your head is thicker (brushes hair). The body just takes off immediately, it’s just like, it’s been waiting to become female. And for me it’s like finally going through puberty. 40 years late, but puberty at last. My life started with hormone therapy, and if I die tomorrow, I’ve had two years of happiness in my life. (smiling ear to ear)

Mother: We knew something was wrong. He was always unhappy you know, and we couldn’t understand why.

(country streets) I grew up in Redcliff Kentucky, about 30 miles South of Louisville a small town of like 155,000 people growing up…very small.

He is the middle child, I have 3 boys, they all three of ‘em are fifeent. They just really as different as daylight and dark.

I don’t know how much I realized it when I was 5, but looking back I can say, I was, I was pretty much thinking as a female then. What propels a person to go put on my mother’s clothes and start dressing? At that age what do you know in life, you know? You just go and, and you put on a bra and you put on a night gown and what drives you to do that? It’s a normal development of a young girl. (pictures of him as a cub scout)

And then at 10 I started noticing boys and then I started wondering what was going on. And then I hear talk about a phase you go through, you know. I thought, well, this is just a phase. I should be all right, you know? But then at 13, um, I realized it wasn’t a phase. And it was very hard for me. (shakes his head) Trying to deal with not beding a normal boy, I mean, I didn’t know what I was going through. I’m trying to, to compensate, I guess for what’s missing in my life.

***
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COUPLING: The Girl With Two Breasts (2000)

2005-11-25T13:44:00.000-08:00

COUPLING: The Girl With Two Breasts (2000)

Jeff is enthralled with a foreign woman who doesn’t understand English.

Jack Davenport, Gina Bellamn, Sarha Alexander.

At a Bar Patrick is carrying drinks and checks out a big breasted woman’s cleavage.

JEFF: Georgia, no, it’s too ordinary.

Sophia.

No, it’s too obvious.

I was right, it’s a foreign language book.

That’s good.

Why?

Intellectual depth. She’s learned a new language. There’s a bit more to her than just the potential for nudity.

That’s not bad, Jeff. Here’s the first time you’ve managed to express a view without lowering my opinion of you.

Plus, learning a new language is like a whole workout for the mouth.

There are times when I worry about the way you see women.

I see women as people in their own right.

In many ways, they are.

You see women as transport for breasts.

Hey, I can see past, I can see past breasts now, Steve. I need more than that.

I can tell.

I need breasts with brains. I don’t mean individual brains obviously.

Well, no.

I mean, not a brain each. You know, I like intelligent women, but you’ve got to draw the line somewhere.

And you draw the line at intelligent breasts.

Well, I think breast brains would be over-egging the woman pudding.

Besides, it would give breast the power of independent thought, and the next thing is, they don’t get on. There’s a clash of personalities.

Yes, so often happens with similar people in similar jobs, working in the same bra.

Exactly.

I mean, what if a fight broke out?

It’s going to be a tough image to shake, really, isn’t it?

Do you know, I’ve got an idea for a new film.

(Steve an Patrick sigh as woman adjusts her dress)

do you know what would be the best way to wipe out all of human kind if I were a space alien with a special kind of mind ray?

No, I don’t believe it’s ever come up, mate.

Make all women telepathic. Because if they suddenly found out about the kind of stuff that goes on in our heads, they’d kill us all on the spot. Men are not people, we are disgustoids in human form.

“Wobble Wars.”

What?

“Wobble Wars,” the title for the new porn film about the battling breast brains.

In the event of a mind ray alert, stand next to Patrick.

Yeah, but we’re all the same as Patrick. See, women think we’re normal, like them, because we talk to them like normal people. You know, we say, “hello, how are you? Haven’t seen you in this place before. What kind of music do you like?” but all the time, in our brains, we’ve got the word “breasts” on a loop. If we ever lost control for a second, we’d all start shouting “breasts, breasts, breasts, breasts, breasts.”

Did you see that?

Yeah, I certainly did.

You got a glance, Jeff.ss

Yeah, that confirmed that was a first glance. We have confirmed glancing.

Okay, time to maximize your advantage. Get over there and talk to her,. Don’t say “breasts.”

I can’t talk to her now.

Why not?

We’ve been watching her for an hour.

So?

What do you mean, so?

I’m way past the nudity buffer, be serious.

When you say things like “nudity buffer,” do you actually expect people to understand what you’re talking about?

Jeff chuckles. Right When you first see an attractive woman, you’ve got a nudity buffer of maybe five minutes before you’ve fully mapped out what she looks like naked.

A whole five?

Yeah, well, you’ve got to assess her nipple type. That takes time.

Good point.

If you don’t get in there and talk to her during the first five minutes, it’s too late. Because then she’ll be naked in your head and you’ll forget rule one of playing it cool.

Which is?

Only smile at her face.

(Woman smiles at Jeff)

forget the nudity brother, she just did another glance.

Forget it, forget the power of the buffer, Patrick? Did I tell you about the little redhead in my office?

Never mind about the little redhead.

Been there two years, but I missed the buffer. That redhead has been naked in my head for two years now, performing deviant sex acts that would make the world’s top porn stars go white and steady themselves on the furniture. I lose the ability to speak the moment she comes into the room. Every time she passes me in a corridor, I walk sideways into the wall. She thinks I’m a mute with a balance problem.

Jesus, definitely a look, possibly even a linger.

Right, if she touches her hair, you’re in.

Her hair?

Their second thoughs is always to worry about their hair.

What, when they see someone they like?

Just generally.

This is not a drill!

Right, if she angles an extremity in your direction, we’re in business.

Incoming.

Right, Mr. Spock, put the Enterprise on Red alert. And you know what that means Captain Kirk, it is time to shag the alien’s girlfriend.

Do you remember when Captain Kirk saw a beautiful woman, the screen would go all misty. I thought his eyes were steaming up because he was so excited. Every time I talked ot a girl in my class I tried to make my eyes steam up. They called me Scary Jeff.

Scary Jeff, beam over.

I can’t.

Just get over there, get us some drinks, start chatting casually, it’s dead easy. And the next time you walk past the office redhead, you’ll just smile.

No, I tried smiling at her once, I destroyed a water cooler.

Go.

(Jeff stands) I’ve got all that digustoid stuff in my head now. What if I say “gusset” accidentally?

My advice?

Yes.

Don’t.

Thanks.

Any time.

(Jeff walk to the woman and tries to move in)

Two minds, one bra?

No, I preferred “Wobble Wars.”

You can read.

(She looks at him, smiling)

I mean, you are reading. Sorry. It’s nice to see people reading. Not a lot of people read these days. People prefer to, um… hear. But all this hearing is just reading for lazy people. Kids today should be prepared to pick up a book, and not just go around the whole time with all these modern… ears. Sometimes I just want to rip people’s ears off and say, “read a book for god’s sake.” Well, actually, I’d probably say “read a book” first and then rip their ears off, otherwise they wouldn’t hear me. Actually, I probably wouldn’t rip their ears off at all. I’m not a violent person. I like ears, especially women ears, they’re my favorite. I don’t mean I collect them or anything. I don’t have a big bucket of women ears hidden away somewhere. No, no, no, I’m not after your ears really, not that there’s anything wrong with your ears, you know, if I was some kind of mad ear person, your ears would be the pride of my, um, ear bucket. Oh, my god.

(Woman speaks Hebrew)

I forgot how to understand English. I hate it when that happens.

She’s from Israel. She speaks Hebrew. (The women speak Hebrew to each other)

So sorry I exist. Men get so disappointed whent eh flat-chested friend turns up.

Well, that’s a bit unfair. It’s hardly your fault.

Thank you.

(breathing heavily) so, she doesn’t understand a word I’ve been saying?

Nope.

Result! (laughs)

Result?

That’s the first good thing that’s ever happened to me every, ever!

(Speaking Hebrew)

she’s apologizing for letting you talk so long.

No, no, no, no! It’s great! I was explaining how I collect women’s ears.

(Speaking Hebrew)

HAPPY HOLIDAYS! Shalla Finds More Scripts

2005-11-19T06:30:00.000-08:00

Looking for more scripts?

Drew Script-O-rama

***

H A P P Y H O L I D A Y S !

Happy Halloween!

2005-10-11T10:34:00.000-07:00

Why do witches use brooms to fly on?

Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy...

How do witches keep their hair in place while flying?

With scare spray...

Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?

No, they eat the fingers separately...

Why don't skeletons ever go out on the town?

Because they don't have any body to go out with...

more jokes...

NIGHT COURT: Walk Away Renee

2005-09-27T17:40:00.001-07:00

Night Court (1985) Harry Anderson, John Larroquette, Richard Moll. Bull knowingly falls in love with a prostitute.

Scene 1: In court, table, the lawyers are looking through them

HAROLD: Hey, Mac?

MAC: Yeah?

HAROLD: Bull’s been late 4 days straight, what’s going on?

MAC: Bull’s got himself a girlfriend.

DAN: Oh, really? Animal, vegetable or mineral?

BULL: (runs in) Hi, guys! Sorry, I’m late.

HAROLD: Bull, how about calling the court to order.

BULL: With pleasure, sir. (walks to the podium) All rise! Criminal court part two is now in session. The honorable, adorable, kind, compassionate Harold T. Stone presiding.

DAN: You may all be nauseated.

HAROLD: What’s this?

BULL: I wrote you a poem, sir.

HAROLD: A poem? (unfolds)

HAROLD: Da da da da da da da da da…

CHRISTINE: Oh, come on, read it to us, sir.

HAROLD: I did. (shows it) Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da…

MAC: At least it rhymes.

HAROLD: How about that first case, Mac?

MAC: Maybe we should wait until the aircraft makes its final approach.

BULL: (waving) Yoo-hoo! Renee!

RENEE: (waves) Hi.

BULL: (runs goofily)

DAN: My God, I think he’s going to kiss her.

BULL: (runs, picks her up and they kiss)

DAN: (makes a face) I was wrong, he’s going to swallow her.

BULL: Ha ha ha! How’s my little pork chop?

RENEE: Delicious!

HAROLD: I’ve never seen Bull so happy.

CHRISTINE: I’ve never seen Bull so alive.

FLORENCE: I’ve never seen Bull with a hooker. Course, I don’t get out much.

Scene 2: Bull and Renee hugging

HAROLD: Pork Chop is a hooker?

FLORENCE: (nods)

HAROLD: Are you sure?

FLORENCE: (nods) Positive. She put in so much time in holding at the Brooklyn Courthouse that we put her in the staff Christmas picture. (laughs)

CHRISTINE: No! It can’t be.

FLORENCE: I could call Brooklyn and get her file.

HAROLD: No, that would feel like we’re spying.

BULL: Here’s the signed blank checks you asked for, sugar bun.

HAROLD: Put a rush on it.

RENEE: (flips thru)

Scene 3: Court

HAROLD: That’s lunch everybody.

BULL: Sir, can Florence take this prisoner? I need to run down to the bank and cash in my I.R.A. I got my eye on a little snow blower I think Renee’s going to flip over.

CHRISTINE: Bull, your I.R.A. is for your retirement.

BULL: I’ll probably be killed in a prison break long before that.

FLORENCE: Imagine the neck muscles you need to hold up that much granite.

BULL: Sir?

HAROLD: Sure, Bull, go ahead.

DAN: Thar he spends!

CHRISTINE: You let him go? You’re just going to sit there while he cashes his life savings?

HAROLD: Well, come on, Miss Sullivan. We’re not even sure that she’s…

MAC: Still working horizontally? Afraid so. She got busted last week. Here’s her file.

CHRISTINE: Ok, ok, we have proof. Somebody has got to do something.

HAROLD: How do you tell 7 feet of unbridled emotion that the apple of his eye takes American Express?

CHRISTINE: Well, it has to come from a friend. (they look at Mac)

MAC: Uh-uh! No, I was the one who told him about the tooth fairy. Like to rip my lips off.

Scene 4: Renee smiling, eyes closed as Bull surprises her

BULL: Are your eyes closed?

RENEE: Yeah.

BULL: (pulls covers) Ta da! (motorcycle)

RENEE: Oh, Bull! What can I say?! Did you remember the optional maintenance guarantee.

BULL: You know I did. (give it to her)

RENEE: Oh!

Scene 5: A woman walks into court and covers Dan’s eyes

WOMAN: Surprise!

DAN: Sheila! (gets up)

SHEILA: Glad to see me?

DAN: Yes! Of course! But last time, I remember you said you wouldn’t—

SHEILA: Shhh… Don’t talk…just listen. Our last date was the most intense, erotic experience in my life… and I said we could never top it, but I’ve been doing more research… and I think it just might be possible… if you don’t mind taking a few risks.

DAN: (shakes head)

SHEILA: Good, I’ll pick you up after court.

BUM: Hey, you ok?

DAN: I think I’m starting to hyperventilate.

BUM: Here, breathe into this… and don’t worry about the socks in there.

Scene 6: Renee looking at her motorcycle.

RENEE: Oh, great.

CHRISTINE: Problem?

RENEE: I asked for whitewalls.

CHRISTINE: Oh, I thought maybe you wanted one that folded out into a bed.

RENEE: Who in he hell are you? And where can I get that shade of dye?

CHRISTINE: Look, Bull is a friend of mine, and I happen to care about him very much.

RENEE: Oh, that’s very nice, but I didn’t see your name on him anywhere and I’m very thorough.

CHRISTINE: My name happens to be Christine Sullivan, legal aide.

RENEE: Renee Carroll, hospitality engineer.

CHRISTINE: Listen I know who you are and I know what you are, so don’t think you can go hustling one of my friends.

RENEE: Meow! I’m going to get a cup of coffee. Can I get you a saucer of milk?

CHRISTINE: Listen, I’m warning you, I will tell him everything if I have to.

RENEE: Go ahead, tell him what I am, tell him that I’m after his money. You say you’re a friend of his, then you know. It’ll kill him.

Scene 7: Court with Harold

CHRISTINE: He gave the slut a motorcycle!

HAROLD: What slut and how many CC’s?

CHRISTINE: She admitted it, your honor. She as much as dared me to tell Bull that she was a prostitute and she was after his money.

HAROLD: And?

CHRISTINE: Well, I looked him right in the eye and chickened out.

BULL: Oh, hi, sir. Christine, I was just wondering if we had enough time left for me to run down to the tire store?

HAROLD: Bull, would you mind if we had a little chat first?

BULL: No, sir, I could listen to your feckless meandering all night. (sits)

HAROLD: Bull, it’s about Renee.

BULL: Yeah?

HAROLD: Read this.

BULL: Why don’t you just tell me?

HAROLD: Bull, Renee is a… she’s an…

DAN: For God sakes! Bull, the woman is a hooker!

BULL: (attacks him)

Scene 8: In the hall

MAC: We’re going to need a gross of pencils, 3 dozen typewriter ribbons…

[Dan screams]

[crash]

MAC: 6 pints of whole blood…

Scene 9: In the hall, smoke is coming out under the courtroom door

[banging]

MAC: (brings in cups of water) Here’s your coffee sir. Bull’s still at it, huh?

HAROLD: That was a major appliance, wasn’t it?

FLORENCE: A .44 caliber—it won’t stop him, but it should slow him down.

MAC: Oh, I just got off the phone with the hospital. They released Dan 20 min. ago.

FLORENCE: The big guy really nailed him, huh?

MAC: Bull didn’t really hit him. Dan flinched, fell backwards, bounced off the wall, tripped over a rug, and dented Harry’s refrigerator with his back.

[crash]

(Dan rolls thru, bandaged, in a wheelchair)

FLORENCE: So, that’s why they call him Dr. Strangelove.

CHRISTINE: Dan, are you all right?

DAN: I’m fine, I’ve got my friends, I’ve got my career, and an unlimited mileage rate.

[banging, door opens, Bull comes out]

BULL: All the fires are out.

HAROLD: Say, that is good news.

BULL: I figure, $5000 should cover it. (gives money)

MAC: (looks in) Oh, my dear God.

HAROLD: Is it that bad?

MAC: Did you see the Day After?

HAROLD: (looks in)

Scene 9: Bull is sitting on a table, Florence enters

FLORENCE: She really ripped your heart out, huh?

BULL: (nods)

FLORENCE: You want to talk about it?

BULL: (shakes head)

FLORENCE: You will eventually, and I’ll be there for you. (meets Renee) Fort Benning, Georgia, the 82nd Airborne Division said to say hello.

RENEE: Hey, baby, I missed you. (kisses him)

BULL: As much as all the other guys?

RENEE: Come on, you don’t think there’s another guy.

BULL: Does the name John ring a bell? You sleep with men for money.

RENEE: So, you figured it out. What are you going to do? You going to sic your judge friend on me?

BULL: Renee--

RENEE: What is he going to charge me with? Felony present-accepting? Well, I’m not going to give them back ‘cause I already hocked them.

BULL: That’s your business.

RENEE: That’s right, that is my business. My business is conning jerks like you.

BULL: Good bye, Renee.

RENEE: Wait a minute! I took you to the cleaners! You’ve been had, big boy. Don’t you get it?

BULL: Yeah, I do get it.

RENEE: Good, then go ahead and hit me. (offers her chin) Come on, I can take it. Go ahead! I been hit before.

BULL: I feel sorry for you.

RENEE: I said hit me, Bozo.

BULL: I see people like you every day. They take and take because they never fill up inside.

RENEE: Why don’t you get angry with me?!

BULL: Oh, I’m angry all right.

RENEE: See?

BULL: I’m angry at all those people that hurt you because they hurt you real bad, and it makes me sad to think about the other Renee—the one that never had a chance… the one I fell in love with. (waves) Bye.

RENEE: That’s it?

BULL: Oh, yeah, I almost forgot (scoops up a gift and gives it to her) Happy anniversary. Would have been 2 weeks tonight.

RENEE: (opens it, reveals a red gown)

Scene 10: Court, Mac brings in a paper bag

MAC: Sir.

HAROLD: What’s that?

MAC: Your couch.

HAROLD: I guess reupholstering is out of the question.

MAC: Uh-huh.

BULL: You want the next case, sir?

HAROLD: Bull, are you okay?

BULL: Sir, life may be filled with pitfalls and uncertainty… but from adversity comes strength.

HAROLD: Who said that?

BULL: It’s me, sir. Bull!

BUM: Holy cow!

RENEE: (enters in red gown)

BUM: That is a bold fashion statement!

RENEE: (walks to the court) Your honor, may I address the court?

Listen, I—I don’t—

RENEE: I… am a hooker.

BULL: Renee, don’t

RENEE: You see, I degrade myself for money because… I don’t like myself very much.

BULL: Please.

RENEE: No, that’s not entirely true. I don’t like myself at all. And this man… (points to Bull) made me feel like a princess. Do you know why? You know why? Well, I don’t know why either. Can somebody please tell me why? (cries and falls to the floor)

BULL: Ok, ok, it’s going to be ok.

HAROLD: Just call it a night.

MAC: Right.

FLORENCE: I’ll get her some water.

HAROLD: Thanks Flo. (runs to them) Everything under control, Bull? Right, I’ve been meaning to go in for that brain scan. All right folks, show’s over.

CHRISTINE: Why did she have to do this? Now I feel sorry for her.

HAROLD: Let’s take her in my office. Maybe I’ll get one for Christmas.

BULL: Ok, now… take a deep breath.

RENEE: (inhales)

BULL: Feel any better?

RENEE: I feel dizzy and nauseous.

Reality does that to you sometimes.

RENEE: I don’t even know why I came here, but I knew I just had to.

BULL: I think it had something to do with self-respect. You had an attack of dignity. Hopefully, it’s chronic.

HAROLD: Should we call a doctor?

RENEE: Good idea.

BULL: You’re hurt?

RENEE: No, I would like somebody to take an x-ray of you to tell me what you are because no man can be that compassionate.

HAROLD: You’re wrong there, Renee. He’s a man all right. Admittedly, there aren’t many around who are as special as he is, but there are a few, and if we’re lucky, if we’re very, very lucky, one crosses our path in a lifetime.

BULL: Are we talking about the film Gandhi?

HAROLD: Some of them are cute, too.

BULL: Come on now, upsy daisy.

RENEE: I feel so embarrassed.

BULL: Oh, forget it. You know something? It’s not what other people think that counts. It’s how we feel about ourselves.

RENEE: You make me feel beautiful.

BULL: Yeah, well, red’s your color. It’s not the dress, I know, but if I hear one more compliment, I think I’m going to throw up. Hey, that reminds me, I’m hungry. How about you?

RENEE: Yeah, I could use a bite.

BULL: Great, I know this quaint little all –you-can-eat liver joint down the block.

RENEE: If you’ll be there, then it’s going to be wonderful.

BULL: (offers his arm and they walk off, smiling, together)

CHRISTINE: He is one special man.

HAROLD: Yeah, he is. Come on, I know a quaint little all you can eat kelp bar next to the liver joint. (he offers his arm and they walk off, smiling together)

SHEILA: (enters) Dan. It’s time.

DAN: Huh, Sheila, about the wheelchair…

SHEILA: Shh, you’re talking again, Dan. By the way, 3 of my friends from Sweden will be joining us. I’m afraid they’re not very bright. I hope you don’t mind. (Dan shakes his head) Good. The hotel address is on the key. We’ll be waiting for you in the marquis de Sade suite. Bite. Don’t be late… or we’ll have to start without you.

DAN: (to Christine and Harold) Light a candle for me. (rolls off) Uh, could you give me a hand please?

(They clap) Bravo! Encore!

No really, come on, I’m serious.

HAROLD: Come on, gang, kelp’s on me.

DAN: Wait, no, no, wait!

FLORENCE: We would, we want to, we did.

DAN: Flo, Flo. Phil! Phil! Come here, come here! Hurry up! Look, they are waiting, you have to help me out.

BUM: Sure, pal. (takes the key and leaves) I’ll do my best!

DAN: Phil!

NIGHT COURT: Walk Away Renee

2005-09-27T17:40:00.000-07:00

Night Court (1985) Harry Anderson, John Larroquette, Richard Moll. Bull knowingly falls in love with a prostitute.

Scene 1: In court, table, the lawyers are looking through them

HAROLD: Hey, Mac?

MAC: Yeah?

HAROLD: Bull’s been late 4 days straight, what’s going on?

MAC: Bull’s got himself a girlfriend.

DAN: Oh, really? Animal, vegetable or mineral?

BULL: (runs in) Hi, guys! Sorry, I’m late.

HAROLD: Bull, how about calling the court to order.

BULL: With pleasure, sir. (walks to the podium) All rise! Criminal court part two is now in session. The honorable, adorable, kind, compassionate Harold T. Stone presiding.

DAN: You may all be nauseated.

HAROLD: What’s this?

BULL: I wrote you a poem, sir.

HAROLD: A poem? (unfolds)

HAROLD: Da da da da da da da da da…

CHRISTINE: Oh, come on, read it to us, sir.

HAROLD: I did. (shows it) Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da…

MAC: At least it rhymes.

HAROLD: How about that first case, Mac?

MAC: Maybe we should wait until the aircraft makes its final approach.

BULL: (waving) Yoo-hoo! Renee!

RENEE: (waves) Hi.

BULL: (runs goofily)

DAN: My God, I think he’s going to kiss her.

BULL: (runs, picks her up and they kiss)

DAN: (makes a face) I was wrong, he’s going to swallow her.

BULL: Ha ha ha! How’s my little pork chop?

RENEE: Delicious!

HAROLD: I’ve never seen Bull so happy.

CHRISTINE: I’ve never seen Bull so alive.

FLORENCE: I’ve never seen Bull with a hooker. Course, I don’t get out much.

Scene 2: Bull and Renee hugging

HAROLD: Pork Chop is a hooker?

FLORENCE: (nods)

HAROLD: Are you sure?

FLORENCE: (nods) Positive. She put in so much time in holding at the Brooklyn Courthouse that we put her in the staff Christmas picture. (laughs)

CHRISTINE: No! It can’t be.

FLORENCE: I could call Brooklyn and get her file.

HAROLD: No, that would feel like we’re spying.

BULL: Here’s the signed blank checks you asked for, sugar bun.

HAROLD: Put a rush on it.

RENEE: (flips thru)

Scene 3: Court

HAROLD: That’s lunch everybody.

BULL: Sir, can Florence take this prisoner? I need to run down to the bank and cash in my I.R.A. I got my eye on a little snow blower I think Renee’s going to flip over.

CHRISTINE: Bull, your I.R.A. is for your retirement.

BULL: I’ll probably be killed in a prison break long before that.

FLORENCE: Imagine the neck muscles you need to hold up that much granite.

BULL: Sir?

HAROLD: Sure, Bull, go ahead.

DAN: Thar he spends!

CHRISTINE: You let him go? You’re just going to sit there while he cashes his life savings?

HAROLD: Well, come on, Miss Sullivan. We’re not even sure that she’s…

MAC: Still working horizontally? Afraid so. She got busted last week. Here’s her file.

CHRISTINE: Ok, ok, we have proof. Somebody has got to do something.

HAROLD: How do you tell 7 feet of unbridled emotion that the apple of his eye takes American Express?

CHRISTINE: Well, it has to come from a friend. (they look at Mac)

MAC: Uh-uh! No, I was the one who told him about the tooth fairy. Like to rip my lips off.

Scene 4: Renee smiling, eyes closed as Bull surprises her

BULL: Are your eyes closed?

RENEE: Yeah.

BULL: (pulls covers) Ta da! (motorcycle)

RENEE: Oh, Bull! What can I say?! Did you remember the optional maintenance guarantee.

BULL: You know I did. (give it to her)

RENEE: Oh!

Scene 5: A woman walks into court and covers Dan’s eyes

WOMAN: Surprise!

DAN: Sheila! (gets up)

SHEILA: Glad to see me?

DAN: Yes! Of course! But last time, I remember you said you wouldn’t—

SHEILA: Shhh… Don’t talk…just listen. Our last date was the most intense, erotic experience in my life… and I said we could never top it, but I’ve been doing more research… and I think it just might be possible… if you don’t mind taking a few risks.

DAN: (shakes head)

SHEILA: Good, I’ll pick you up after court.

BUM: Hey, you ok?

DAN: I think I’m starting to hyperventilate.

BUM: Here, breathe into this… and don’t worry about the socks in there.

Scene 6: Renee looking at her motorcycle.

RENEE: Oh, great.

CHRISTINE: Problem?

RENEE: I asked for whitewalls.

CHRISTINE: Oh, I thought maybe you wanted one that folded out into a bed.

RENEE: Who in he hell are you? And where can I get that shade of dye?

CHRISTINE: Look, Bull is a friend of mine, and I happen to care about him very much.

RENEE: Oh, that’s very nice, but I didn’t see your name on him anywhere and I’m very thorough.

CHRISTINE: My name happens to be Christine Sullivan, legal aide.

RENEE: Renee Carroll, hospitality engineer.

CHRISTINE: Listen I know who you are and I know what you are, so don’t think you can go hustling one of my friends.

RENEE: Meow! I’m going to get a cup of coffee. Can I get you a saucer of milk?

CHRISTINE: Listen, I’m warning you, I will tell him everything if I have to.

RENEE: Go ahead, tell him what I am, tell him that I’m after his money. You say you’re a friend of his, then you know. It’ll kill him.

Scene 7: Court with Harold

CHRISTINE: He gave the slut a motorcycle!

HAROLD: What slut and how many CC’s?

CHRISTINE: She admitted it, your honor. She as much as dared me to tell Bull that she was a prostitute and she was after his money.

HAROLD: And?

CHRISTINE: Well, I looked him right in the eye and chickened out.

BULL: Oh, hi, sir. Christine, I was just wondering if we had enough time left for me to run down to the tire store?

HAROLD: Bull, would you mind if we had a little chat first?

BULL: No, sir, I could listen to your feckless meandering all night. (sits)

HAROLD: Bull, it’s about Renee.

BULL: Yeah?

HAROLD: Read this.

BULL: Why don’t you just tell me?

HAROLD: Bull, Renee is a… she’s an…

DAN: For God sakes! Bull, the woman is a hooker!

BULL: (attacks him)

Scene 8: In the hall

MAC: We’re going to need a gross of pencils, 3 dozen typewriter ribbons…

[Dan screams]

[crash]

MAC: 6 pints of whole blood…

Scene 9: In the hall, smoke is coming out under the courtroom door

[banging]

MAC: (brings in cups of water) Here’s your coffee sir. Bull’s still at it, huh?

HAROLD: That was a major appliance, wasn’t it?

FLORENCE: A .44 caliber—it won’t stop him, but it should slow him down.

MAC: Oh, I just got off the phone with the hospital. They released Dan 20 min. ago.

FLORENCE: The big guy really nailed him, huh?

MAC: Bull didn’t really hit him. Dan flinched, fell backwards, bounced off the wall, tripped over a rug, and dented Harry’s refrigerator with his back.

[crash]

(Dan rolls thru, bandaged, in a wheelchair)

FLORENCE: So, that’s why they call him Dr. Strangelove.

CHRISTINE: Dan, are you all right?

DAN: I’m fine, I’ve got my friends, I’ve got my career, and an unlimited mileage rate.

[banging, door opens, Bull comes out]

BULL: All the fires are out.

HAROLD: Say, that is good news.

BULL: I figure, $5000 should cover it. (gives money)

MAC: (looks in) Oh, my dear God.

HAROLD: Is it that bad?

MAC: Did you see the Day After?

HAROLD: (looks in)

Scene 9: Bull is sitting on a table, Florence enters

FLORENCE: She really ripped your heart out, huh?

BULL: (nods)

FLORENCE: You want to talk about it?

BULL: (shakes head)

FLORENCE: You will eventually, and I’ll be there for you. (meets Renee) Fort Benning, Georgia, the 82nd Airborne Division said to say hello.

RENEE: Hey, baby, I missed you. (kisses him)

BULL: As much as all the other guys?

RENEE: Come on, you don’t think there’s another guy.

BULL: Does the name John ring a bell? You sleep with men for money.

RENEE: So, you figured it out. What are you going to do? You going to sic your judge friend on me?

BULL: Renee--

RENEE: What is he going to charge me with? Felony present-accepting? Well, I’m not going to give them back ‘cause I already hocked them.

BULL: That’s your business.

RENEE: That’s right, that is my business. My business is conning jerks like you.

BULL: Good bye, Renee.

RENEE: Wait a minute! I took you to the cleaners! You’ve been had, big boy. Don’t you get it?

BULL: Yeah, I do get it.

RENEE: Good, then go ahead and hit me. (offers her chin) Come on, I can take it. Go ahead! I been hit before.

BULL: I feel sorry for you.

RENEE: I said hit me, Bozo.

BULL: I see people like you every day. They take and take because they never fill up inside.

RENEE: Why don’t you get angry with me?!

BULL: Oh, I’m angry all right.

RENEE: See?

BULL: I’m angry at all those people that hurt you because they hurt you real bad, and it makes me sad to think about the other Renee—the one that never had a chance… the one I fell in love with. (waves) Bye.

RENEE: That’s it?

BULL: Oh, yeah, I almost forgot (scoops up a gift and gives it to her) Happy anniversary. Would have been 2 weeks tonight.

RENEE: (opens it, reveals a red gown)

Scene 10: Court, Mac brings in a paper bag

MAC: Sir.

HAROLD: What’s that?

MAC: Your couch.

HAROLD: I guess reupholstering is out of the question.

MAC: Uh-huh.

BULL: You want the next case, sir?

HAROLD: Bull, are you okay?

BULL: Sir, life may be filled with pitfalls and uncertainty… but from adversity comes strength.

HAROLD: Who said that?

BULL: It’s me, sir. Bull!

BUM: Holy cow!

RENEE: (enters in red gown)

BUM: That is a bold fashion statement!

RENEE: (walks to the court) Your honor, may I address the court?

Listen, I—I don’t—

RENEE: I… am a hooker.

BULL: Renee, don’t

RENEE: You see, I degrade myself for money because… I don’t like myself very much.

BULL: Please.

RENEE: No, that’s not entirely true. I don’t like myself at all. And this man… (points to Bull) made me feel like a princess. Do you know why? You know why? Well, I don’t know why either. Can somebody please tell me why? (cries and falls to the floor)

BULL: Ok, ok, it’s going to be ok.

HAROLD: Just call it a night.

MAC: Right.

FLORENCE: I’ll get her some water.

HAROLD: Thanks Flo. (runs to them) Everything under control, Bull? Right, I’ve been meaning to go in for that brain scan. All right folks, show’s over.

CHRISTINE: Why did she have to do this? Now I feel sorry for her.

HAROLD: Let’s take her in my office. Maybe I’ll get one for Christmas.

BULL: Ok, now… take a deep breath.

RENEE: (inhales)

BULL: Feel any better?

RENEE: I feel dizzy and nauseous.

Reality does that to you sometimes.

RENEE: I don’t even know why I came here, but I knew I just had to.

BULL: I think it had something to do with self-respect. You had an attack of dignity. Hopefully, it’s chronic.

HAROLD: Should we call a doctor?

RENEE: Good idea.

BULL: You’re hurt?

RENEE: No, I would like somebody to take an x-ray of you to tell me what you are because no man can be that compassionate.

HAROLD: You’re wrong there, Renee. He’s a man all right. Admittedly, there aren’t many around who are as special as he is, but there are a few, and if we’re lucky, if we’re very, very lucky, one crosses our path in a lifetime.

BULL: Are we talking about the film Gandhi?

HAROLD: Some of them are cute, too.

BULL: Come on now, upsy daisy.

RENEE: I feel so embarrassed.

BULL: Oh, forget it. You know something? It’s not what other people think that counts. It’s how we feel about ourselves.

RENEE: You make me feel beautiful.

BULL: Yeah, well, red’s your color. It’s not the dress, I know, but if I hear one more compliment, I think I’m going to throw up. Hey, that reminds me, I’m hungry. How about you?

RENEE: Yeah, I could use a bite.

BULL: Great, I know this quaint little all –you-can-eat liver joint down the block.

RENEE: If you’ll be there, then it’s going to be wonderful.

BULL: (offers his arm and they walk off, smiling, together)

CHRISTINE: He is one special man.

HAROLD: Yeah, he is. Come on, I know a quaint little all you can eat kelp bar next to the liver joint. (he offers his arm and they walk off, smiling together)

SHEILA: (enters) Dan. It’s time.

DAN: Huh, Sheila, about the wheelchair…

SHEILA: Shh, you’re talking again, Dan. By the way, 3 of my friends from Sweden will be joining us. I’m afraid they’re not very bright. I hope you don’t mind. (Dan shakes his head) Good. The hotel address is on the key. We’ll be waiting for you in the marquis de Sade suite. Bite. Don’t be late… or we’ll have to start without you.

DAN: (to Christine and Harold) Light a candle for me. (rolls off) Uh, could you give me a hand please?

(They clap) Bravo! Encore!

No really, come on, I’m serious.

HAROLD: Come on, gang, kelp’s on me.

DAN: Wait, no, no, wait!

FLORENCE: We would, we want to, we did.

DAN: Flo, Flo. Phil! Phil! Come here, come here! Hurry up! Look, they are waiting, you have to help me out.

BUM: Sure, pal. (takes the key and leaves) I’ll do my best!

DAN: Phil!